‘The time is come,’ the walrus said,
     ‘To talk of many things.’ 
     ‘Alice in Wonderland.’

It was on April 1, the green young year’s beginning, that Mab arrived in England.  She had hired a seagull-no, the seagull offered his services for nothing; I was forgetting that it was not an English, but a Polynesian seagull-to take her across.  She did not altogether admire the missionaries, as we have seen, in their proceedings, the fact being that she had grown used to Polynesians in the course of the centuries she had spent among them, and the missionaries were such a remarkable contrast to the Polynesians.  But their advent was certainly a source of mental improvement to her, for fairies as we know, understand things almost by instinct, and Queen Mab, one evening, chanced to overhear a good deal of the missionaries’ conversation.  She learned, for instance, the precise meanings, and the bearings on modern theology and metaphysics, of such words as kathenotheism, hagiography, transubstantiation, eschatology, Positivist, noumenony begriffy vorstellung, Paulisimus, wissenschaft, and others, quite new to her, and of great benefit in general conversation.

With this additional knowledge she started on the voyage, leaving her faithful subjects to take care of the island and themselves, till she came back to tell them whether their return to England would ever be practicable.  She landed in Great Britain, then, on April 1, and the seagull went across to the Faroe Islands and waited there till the time which she had appointed for him to come and carry her back to Polynesia.

Queen Mab found England a good deal altered.  There were still fairy circles in the grass; but they were attributed, not to fairy dances, but to unscientific farming and the absence of artificial phosphates.  The country did not smell of April and May, but of brick-kilns and the manufacture of chemicals.  The rivers, which she had left bright and clear, were all black and poisonous.  Water for drinking purposes was therefore supplied by convoys from the Apollinaris and other foreign wells, and it was thought that, if a war broke out, the natives of England would die of thirst.  This was not the only disenchantment of Queen Mab.  She found that in Europe she was an anachronism.  She did not know, at first, what the word meant, but the sense of it gradually dawned upon her.  Now there is always something uncomfortable about being an anachronism; but still people may become accustomed to it, and even take a kind of a pride in it, if they are only anachronisms on the right side-so far in the van of the bulk of humanity, for instance, that the bulk of humanity considers them not wholly in their right minds.  There must surely be a sense of superiority in knowing oneself a century or two in front of one’s fellow-creatures that counterbalances the sense of solitude.  Queen Mab had no such consolation.  She was an anachronism hundreds of years on the wrong side; in fact, a relic of Paganism.

Of course she was acquainted with the language of all the beasts and birds and insects, and she counted on their befriending her, however much men had changed.  Her brief experience of modern sailors and missionaries, whether English or German, had indeed convinced her that men were, even now, far from perfection.  But it was a crushing blow to find that all the beasts were traitors, and all the insects.

If it had not been for the loyal birds she would have gone back to Polynesia at once; but they flocked faithfully to her standard, led by the Owl, the wisest of all feathered things, who had lived too long, and had too much good feeling to ignore fairies, though he was, perhaps, just a little of a prig.  The insects, however, who, considering the size of their brains, one might have thought would believe in fairies and in the supernatural in general, if anybody did, behaved disgracefully, and the ant was the worst all.  She started by saying that her brain was larger in proportion than the brain of any other insect.  Perhaps Queen Mab was not aware that Sir John Lubbock had devoted a volume to the faculties and accomplishments of ants, together with some minor details relating to bees and wasps, of which these insects magnified the importance.  Under these circumstances, it was impossible for her to countenance a mere vulgar superstition, like faith in fairies.  She begged leave to refer Queen Mab to various works in the International Scientific Series for a complete explanation of her motives, and mentioned, casually, that she also held credentials from Mr. Romanes.  Then, explaining that her character with the sluggard was at stake, she hurried away.  Evidently she did not care to be seen talking to a fairy.  It may be mentioned here, however, that Queen Mab’s faith in entomological nature was considerably shaken by the fact that when no one was looking at her the ant always folded up her work and went to sleep-though, if surprised in a siesta, she explained that she had only just succumbed to complete exhaustion, and lamented that mind, though infinitely superior to, was not yet independent of matter.

The bees hummed much to the same tune.  The Queen Bee recommended our foreigner to read a work on ‘Bees and Wasps,’ with a few minor details relating to Ants, by Sir John Lubbock, in the International Scientific Series.  She was not, indeed quite so timid about her reputation as the ant, and even volunteered to give her visitor an account of the formation of hexagonal cells by Natural Selection, culled from the pages of the ‘Origin of Species’; but she observed that, though her brain might be smaller in proportion than the brains of some inferior insects, it was of finer quality, what there was of it, and that fairies were merely an outgrowth of the anthropomorphic tendency which had been noticed by distinguished writers as persisting even in the present day.  Then she departed, humming gaily, to the tune of a popular hymn in the ‘Ancient and Modern’ collection: 

     ’And gather honey all the day
     From every opening flower?

But the whole sad history of Queen Mab’s failures to enlist sympathy and protection it would be vain to tell.  The fishes, all that were left of them, took her part; but they lived in the water, and she had never had very much to do with them.  In the birds she found her true allies.  They were not attached to the higher civilisation.  The higher civilisation, so far, had treated them inconsiderately, at sparrow clubs.  The Owl talked a good deal about the low moral tone of the human race in this respect, and was pessimistic about it, failing to perceive that higher types of organisms always like to signify their superiority over lower ones by shooting them, or otherwise making their lives a burden.  The Owl, however, was a very talented bird, and one felt that even his fallacies were a mark of attainments beyond those common to his race.  He had read and thought a great deal, and could tell Queen Mab about almost anything she asked him.  This was pleasant, and she sat with him on a very high oak in Epping Forest, above a pond, and made observations.  It was lovely weather, just the weather for sitting on the uppermost branches of a great oak, and she began to feel like herself again.  She had forgotten to put her invisible cloak on; but as she was only half a foot high, and dressed in green, no one saw her up there.  Having reached the Forest at night, she had met as yet with few British subjects; but the Owl explained that she would see hundreds of them before the day was over, coming to admire Nature.

‘The English people,’ he observed, ’are great worshippers of Nature, and write many guide-books about her, some on large paper at ten guineas the volume.  I have sometimes fancied, indeed,’ he added, doubtfully,’ that it was their own capacity for admiring Nature that they admired, but that were a churlish thought.  For, do they not run innumerable excursion trains for the purpose of bowing at her shrine?  Epping Forest must be one of Nature’s favourite haunts, from the numbers of people who come here to worship her, especially on Bank Holidays.  Those are her high festivals, when her adorers troop down, and build booths and whirligigs and circuses in her honour, and gamble, and ride donkeys, and shy sticks at cocoanuts before her.  Also they partake of sandwiches and many other appropriate offerings at the shrine, and pour libations of bottled ale, and nectar, and zoedone, and brandy, and soda-water, and ginger-beer.  They always leave the corks about, and confectionery paper bags, for the next people to gaze upon who come to worship Nature:  you may see them now, if you look down.  I have often thought those corks, and cigar-ends, and such tokens that the British public always leaves behind it, must be symbolical of something-offerings to Nature, you know, an invariable part of the rite, and typical-well, the question is, of what are they typical?’ mused the Owl, getting beyond his depth, as he had a way of doing.

‘However,’ he resumed, ’it is certain that their devotion is strong, and they offer to Nature the sacrifices dearest to their own hearts, and probably dearest, therefore, to the heart of Nature.  They cut their names all over her shrine, which is, I have no doubt, a welcome attention; but they do not look at her any more than they can help, for they stay where the beer is, and they are very warm, and flirt.’

‘What is “flirt"?’

‘A recreation,’ said the Owl decorously; ‘a pastime.’

‘And does nobody believe in fairies?’ sighed Queen Mab.

’No, or at least hardly anyone.  A few of the children, perhaps, and a very, very few grown-up people-persons who believe in Faith-healing and Esoteric Buddhism, and Thought-reading, and Arbitration, and Phonetic Spelling, can believe in anything, except what their mothers taught them on their knees.  All of these are in just now.’

‘What do you mean by “in"?’

’In fashion; and what is fashionable is to be believed in.  Why, you might be the fashion again,’ said the Owl excitedly.  ’Why not? and then people would believe in you.  What a game it all is, to be sure!  But the fashions of this kind don’t last,’ the bird added; ’they get snuffed out by the scientific men.’

‘Tell me exactly who the scientific men are,’ said the fairy.  ’I have heard so much about them since I came.’

‘They are the men.’ sighed the Owl, ’who go about with microscopes, that is, instruments for looking into things as they are not meant to be looked at and seeing them as they were never intended to be seen.  They have put everything under their microscopes, except stars and First Causes; but they had to take telescopes to the stars, because they were so far off; and First Causes they examined by stéthoscopes, which each philosopher applied to his own breast.  But, as all the breasts are different, they now call First Causes no business of theirs.  They make most things their business, though.  They have had a good deal of trouble with the poets, because the poets liked to put themselves and their critics under their own microscopes, and they objected to the microscopes of the scientific men.  You know what poets are?’

‘Yes, indeed,’ said Queen Mab, feeling at home on the subject.  ’I have forgotten a good many things, I daresay, with living in Polynesia, but not about the poets.  I remember Shakespeare very well, and Herrick is at my court in the Pacific.’

’Ah, he was a great man, Shakespeare, almost too large for a microscope!’ said the Owl reflectively.  They have put him under a good many since he died, however, especially German lenses.  But we were talking about the philosophers-another name for the scientific men -the men who don’t know everything.’

‘I should have thought they did,’ said Queen Mab.

‘No,’ said the Owl.  ’It is the theologians who know everything, or at least they used to do so.  But lately it has become such a mark of mental inferiority to know everything, that they are always casting it in each other’s teeth.  It has grown into a war-cry with both parties:  “You think you know everything,” and it is hard for a bird to find out how it all began and what it is all about.  I believe it sprang originally out of the old microscope difficulty.  The philosophers wanted to put theology under the microscope, and the theologians excommunicated microscopes, and said theology ought never to be looked at except with the Eye of Faith.  Now the philosophers are borrowing an eye of Faith from the theologians, and adding it on to their own microscope like another lens, and they have detected a kind of Absolute, a sort of a Something, the Higher Pantheism.  I could never tell you all about it, and I don’t even know whether they have really put theology under the microscope, or only theologians.’

‘And the people worship St. George still?’ asked Queen Mab, who, being only a fairy, and owning no soul, had private theories of belief, based merely on observation of popular customs.

’Oh yes, St. George and the Dragon.  They have them both together on the beads of their rosaries-the yellow things they count, and pray with, or pay with.’ said the Owl rather vaguely.

‘St. George and the Dragon! Why, St. George killed the Dragon.’

‘Ah! the Dragon was not really killed.’ said the Owl coolly.  ’It was only syncope, and he kept quiet for a time, and grew seven other heads worse than the first.  Some say St George worships the Dragon now, himself; but people always are saying unpleasant things, and probably it isn’t true.  At all events, the English worship St George and the Dragon till they don’t seem to know which is which.’

‘What, has St George grown like the Dragon then?’ cried Queen Mab distractedly, wringing her hands.

‘Oh no,’ replied the Owl, with some condescending pity for the foreigner’s ignorance.  ’But the Dragon has grown vastly like St. George.’

‘Is that all they worship?’ said Queen Mab.

’Oh no, there are plenty of other patent religions.  A hundred religions and only one sauce-melted butter, as the Frenchman said, but the sauce has outlived many of the patent religions.’

‘I don’t understand how religions are patent.’ remarked her inquisitive Majesty.

‘We call it a patent religion.’ said the Owl, ’when it has only been recently invented, and is so insufficiently advertised, that it is only to be found in a very few houses indeed, and is not a commodity in general request.  The Patentees then call themselves a Church, and devote their energies to advertising the new “Cult,” as they generally style it.  For example, you have Esoteric Buddhism, so named because it is not Buddhism, nor Esoteric.  It is imported by an American company with a manufactory in Thibet, and has had some success among fashionable people.’

‘What do the Esoteric Buddhists worship?’

‘Teacups and cigarettes, standing where they ought not.’ replied the owl; ’but I believe these things are purely symbolical, and that au fond the Priestess of Esoteric Buddhism herself adores the Dragon.’

’That is enough about that.  Are there no patent religions warranted free from Dragon worship?’

‘Well.’ said the Owl dubiously, ’there are the Altruists. ’They worship humanity.  As a rule, you may have noticed that adorers think the object of adoration better than themselves,-an unexpected instance in most cases, of the modesty of their species.  But the Altruists worship Humanity.’

‘And they don’t think Humanity better than themselves?’

’Far from it.  Their leading idea is that they are the cream of Humanity.  Their principal industry is to scold and lecture Humanity.  Whatever Humanity may be doing-making war or making peace, or making love to its Deceased Wife’s Sister-the Altruists cry out, “Don’t do that.”  And they preach sermons to Humanity, always beginning, “We think;” and they publish their remarks in high-class periodicals, and they invariably show that everyone, and especially Mr. Herbert Spencer, is in the wrong, and nobody pays the slightest attention to them.  In their way the Altruists do to others as they would have others do to them, To my mind, while they pretend that Humanity is what they worship, they really want to be worshipped by Humanity.’

‘Are there many of this sect?’ asked Mab.

‘There were twenty-seven of them.’ said the Owl, ’but they quarrelled about canonising the Emperor Tiberius, and now there are only thirteen and a half.’

‘Where do you get the fraction?’ said Mab.

‘That is a mystery.’ said the Owl.  ’Every religion should have its mystery, and the Altruists possess only this example; it is a cheap one, but they are not a luxurious sect.’

‘Well.’ said Mab mournfully at last, ’I must go back to Samoa; there is too much mystery here for me.  But who is that?’

She broke off suddenly, for a new and mysterious object had just entered the glade, and was advancing towards the pool.

‘Hush!’ said the Owl.  ’Do take care.  It is a scientific man-a philosopher.’

It was a tall, thin personage, with spectacles and a knapsack, and what reminded Queen Mab of a small green landing-net, but was really intended to catch butterflies.  He came up to the pond, and she imagined he was going to fish; but no, he only unfastened his knapsack and took some small phials and a tin box out of it Then, bending down to the edge of the water, he began to skim its surface cautiously with a ladle and empty the contents into one of his phials.  Suddenly a look of delight came into his face, and he uttered a cry-’Stephanoceros!’

Queen Mab thought it was an incantation, and, trembling with fear, she relaxed her hold of the bough and fell.  Not into the pond!  She had wings, of course, and half petrified with horror though she was, she yet fluttered away from that stagnant water.  But alas, in the very effort to escape, she had caught the eye of the Professor; he sprang up-pond, animalcule all forgotten in the chase of this extraordinary butterfly.  The fairy’s courage failed her:  her presence of mind vanished, and the wild gyrations of the owl, who, too late, realised the peril of his companion, only increased her confusion.  In another moment she was a prisoner under the butterfly-net.

Beaming with delight, the philosopher turned her carefully into the tin box, shut the lid and hastened home, too much enraptured with his prize even to pause to secure the valuable Stephanoceros.

But Queen Mab had fainted, as even fairies must do at such a terrible crisis; and perhaps it was as well that she had, for the professor forbore to administer chloroform, under the impression that his lovely captive had completely succumbed.  He put her, therefore, straight into a tall glass bottle, and began to survey her carefully, walking round and round.  Truly, he had never seen such a remarkable butterfly.