I

In the Five Towns the following history is related by those who know it as something side-splittingly funny-as one of the best jokes that ever occurred in a district devoted to jokes.  And I, too, have hitherto regarded it as such.  But upon my soul, now that I come to write it down, it strikes me as being, after all, a pretty grim tragedy.  However, you shall judge, and laugh or cry as you please.

It began in the little house of Mrs Carpole, up at Bleakridge, on the hill between Bursley and Hanbridge.  Mrs Carpole was the second Mrs Carpole, and her husband was dead.  She had a stepson, Horace, and a son of her own, Sidney.  Horace is the hero, or the villain, of the history.  On the day when the unfortunate affair began he was nineteen years old, and a model youth.  Not only was he getting on in business, not only did he give half his evenings to the study of the chemistry of pottery and the other half to various secretaryships in connection with the Wesleyan Methodist Chapel and Sunday-school, not only did he save money, not only was he a comfort to his stepmother and a sort of uncle to Sidney, not only was he an early riser, a total abstainer, a non-smoker, and a good listener; but, in addition to the practice of these manifold and rare virtues, he found time, even at that tender age, to pay his tailor’s bill promptly and to fold his trousers in the same crease every night-so that he always looked neat and dignified.  Strange to say, he made no friends.  Perhaps he was just a thought too perfect for a district like the Five Towns; a sin or so might have endeared him to the entire neighbourhood.  Perhaps his loneliness was due to his imperfect sense of humour, or perhaps to the dull, unsmiling heaviness of his somewhat flat features.

Sidney was quite a different story.  Sidney, to use his mother’s phrase, was a little jockey.  His years were then eight.  Fair-haired and blue-eyed, as most little jockeys are, he had a smile and a scowl that were equally effective in tyrannizing over both his mother and Horace, and he was beloved by everybody.  Women turned to look at him in the street.  Unhappily, his health was not good.  He was afflicted by a slight deafness, which, however, the doctor said he would grow out of; the doctor predicted for him a lusty manhood.  In the meantime, he caught every disease that happened to be about, and nearly died of each one.  His latest acquisition had been scarlet fever.  Now one afternoon, after he had ‘peeled’ and his room had been disinfected, and he was beginning to walk again, Horace came home and decided that Sidney should be brought downstairs for tea as a treat, to celebrate his convalescence, and that he, Horace, would carry him downstairs.  Mrs Carpole was delighted with the idea, and Sidney also, except that Sidney did not want to be carried downstairs-he wanted to walk down.

‘I think it will be better for him to walk, Horace dear,’ said Mrs Carpole, in her thin, plaintive voice.  ’He can, quite well.  And you know how clumsy you are.  Supposing you were to fall!’

Horace, nevertheless, in pursuance of his programme of being uncle to Sidney, was determined to carry Sidney.  And carry Sidney he did, despite warnings and kickings.  At least he carried him as far as the turn in the steep stairs, at which point he fell, just as his stepmother had feared, and Sidney with him.  The half-brothers arrived on the ground floor in company, but Horace, with his eleven stone two, was on top, and the poor suffering little convalescent lay moveless and insensible.

It took the doctor forty minutes to bring him to, and all the time the odour of grilled herrings, which formed part of the uneaten tea, made itself felt through the house like a Satanic comment on the spectacle of human life.  The scene was dreadful at first.  The agony then passed.  There were no bruises on the boy, not a mark, and in a couple of hours he seemed to be perfectly himself.  Horace breathed again, and thanked Heaven it was no worse.  His gratitude to Heaven was, however, slightly premature, for in the black middle of the night poor Sidney was seized with excruciating pains in the head, and the doctor lost four hours’ sleep.  These pains returned at intervals of a few days, and naturally the child’s convalescence was retarded.  Then Horace said that Airs Carpole should take Sidney to Buxton for a fortnight, and he paid all the expenses of the trip out of his savings.  He was desolated, utterly stricken; he said he should never forgive himself.  Sidney improved, slowly.

II

After several months, during which Horace had given up all his limited spare time to the superintendence of the child’s first steps in knowledge, Sidney was judged to be sufficiently strong to go to school, and it was arranged that he should attend the Endowed School at the Wedgwood Institution.  Horace accompanied him thither on the opening day of the term-it was an inclement morning in January-and left the young delicate sprig, apparently joyous and content, to the care of his masters and the mercy of his companions.  But Sidney came home for dinner weeping-weeping in spite of his new mortar-board cap, his new satchel, his new box of compasses, and his new books.  His mother kept him at home in the afternoon, and by the evening another of those terrible attacks had supervened.  The doctor and Horace and Mrs Carpole once more lost much precious sleep.  The mysterious malady continued.  School was out of the question.

And when Sidney took the air, in charge of his mother, everybody stopped to sympathize with him and to stroke his curls and call him a poor dear, and also to commiserate Mrs Carpole.  As for Horace, Bursley tried to feel sorry for Horace, but it only succeeded in showing Horace that it was hiding a sentiment of indignation against him.  Each friendly face as it passed Horace in the street said, without words, ’There goes the youth who probably ruined his young stepbrother’s life.  And through sheer obstinacy too!  He dropped the little darling in spite of warnings and protests, and then fell on the top of him.  Of course, he didn’t do it on purpose, but-’

The doctor mentioned Greatorex of Manchester, the celebrated brain specialist.  And Horace took Sidney to Manchester.  They had to wait an hour and a quarter to see Greatorex, his well-known consulting-rooms in John Dalton Street being crowded with imperfect brains; but their turn came at last, and they found themselves in Greatorex’s presence.  Greatorex was a fat man, with the voice of a thin man, who seemed to spend the whole of his career in the care of his fingernails.

‘Well, my little fellow,’ said Greatorex, ‘don’t cry.’ (For Sidney was already crying.) And then to Horace, in a curt tone:  ‘What is it?’

And Horace was obliged to humiliate himself and relate the accident in detail, together with all that had subsequently happened.

‘Yes, yes, yes, yes!’ Greatorex would punctuate the recital, and when tired of ‘yes’ he would say ‘Hum, hum, hum, hum!’

When he had said ‘hum’ seventy-two times he suddenly remarked that his fee was three guineas, and told Horace to strengthen Sidney all he could, not to work him too hard, and to bring him back in a year’s time.

Horace paid the money, Greatorex emitted a final ‘hum’, and then the stepbrothers were whisked out by an expeditious footman.  The experience cost Horace over four pounds and the loss of a day’s time.  And the worst was that Sidney had a violent attack that very night.

School being impossible for him, Sidney had intermittent instruction from professors of both sexes at home.  But he learnt practically nothing except the banjo.  Horace had to buy him a banjo:  it cost the best part of a ten-pound note; still, Horace could do no less.  Sidney’s stature grew rapidly; his general health certainly improved, yet not completely; he always had a fragile, interesting air.  Moreover, his deafness did not disappear:  there were occasions when it was extremely pronounced.  And he was never quite safe from these attacks in the head.  He spent a month or six weeks each year in the expensive bracing atmosphere of some seaside resort, and altogether he was decidedly a heavy drain on Horace’s resources.  People were aware of this, and they said that Horace ought to be happy that he was in a position to spend money freely on his poor brother.  Had not the doctor predicted, before the catastrophe due to Horace’s culpable negligence, that Sidney would grow into a strong man, and that his deafness would leave him?  The truth was, one never knew the end of those accidents in infancy!  Further, was not Sidney’s sad condition slowly killing his mother?  It was whispered about that, since the disaster, Sidney had not been quite sound mentally.  Was not the mere suspicion of this enough to kill any mother?

And, as a fact, Mrs Carpole did die.  She died of quinsy, doubtless aggravated by Sidney’s sad condition.

Not long afterwards Horace came into a small fortune from his maternal grandfather.  But poor Sidney did not come into any fortune, and people somehow illogically inferred that Horace had not behaved quite nicely in coming into a fortune while his suffering invalid brother, whom he had so deeply harmed, came into nothing.  Even Horace had compunctions due to the visitations of a similar idea.  And with part of the fortune he bought a house with a large garden up at Toft End, the highest hill of the hilly Five Towns, so that Sidney might have the benefit of the air.  He also engaged a housekeeper and servants.  With the remainder of the fortune he obtained a partnership in the firm of earthenware manufacturers for whom he had been acting as highly-paid manager.

Sidney reached the age of eighteen, and was most effective to look upon, his bright hair being still curly, and his eyes a wondrous blue, and his form elegant; and the question of Sidney’s future arose.  His health was steadily on the up grade.  The deafness had quite disappeared.  He had inclinations towards art, and had already amused himself by painting some beautiful vases.  So it was settled that he should enter Horace’s works on the art side, with a view to becoming, ultimately, art director.  Horace gave him three pounds a week, in order that he might feel perfectly independent, and, to the same end, Sidney paid Horace seven-and-sixpence a week for board and lodging.  But the change of life upset the youth’s health again.  After only two visits to the works he had a grave recurrence of the head-attacks, and he was solemnly exhorted not to apply himself too closely to business.  He therefore took several half-holidays a week, and sometimes a whole one.  And even when he put in one of his full days he would arrive at the works three hours after Horace, and restore the balance by leaving an hour earlier.  The entire town watched over him as a mother watches over a son.  The notion that he was not quite right in the pate gradually died away, and everybody was thankful for that, though it was feared an untimely grave might be his portion.

III

She was a nice girl:  the nicest girl that Horace had ever met with, because her charming niceness included a faculty of being really serious about serious things-and yet she could be deliciously gay.  In short, she was a revelation to Horace.  And her name was Ella, and she had come one year to spend some weeks with Mrs Penkethman, the widowed headmistress of the Wesleyan Day School, who was her cousin.  Mrs Penkethman and Ella had been holidaying together in France; their arrival in Bursley naturally coincided with the reopening of the school in August for the autumn term.

Now at this period Horace was rather lonely in his large house and garden; for Sidney, in pursuit of health, had gone off on a six weeks’ cruise round Holland, Finland, Norway, and Sweden, in one of those Atlantic liners which, translated like Enoch without dying, become in their old age ‘steam-yachts’, with fine names apt to lead to confusion with the private yacht of the Tsar of Russia.  Horace had offered him the trip, and Horace was also paying his weekly salary as usual.

So Horace, who had always been friendly with Mrs Penkethman, grew now more than ever friendly with Mrs Penkethman.  And Mrs Penkethman and Ella were inseparable.  The few aristocrats left in Bursley in September remarked that Horace knew what he was about, as it was notorious that Ella had the most solid expectations.  But as a matter of fact Horace did not know what he was about, and he never once thought of Ella’s expectations.  He was simply, as they say in Bursley, knocked silly by Ella.  He honestly imagined her to be the wonderfullest woman on the earth’s surface, with her dark eyes and her expressive sympathetic gestures, and her alterations of seriousness and gaiety.  It astounded him that a girl of twenty-one could have thought so deeply upon life as she had.  The inexplicable thing was that she looked up to him.  She evidently admired him.  He wanted to tell her that she was quite wrong about him, much too kind in her estimate of him-that really he was a very ordinary man indeed.  But another instinct prevented him from thus undeceiving her.

And one Saturday afternoon, the season being late September, Horace actually got those two women up to tea in his house and garden.  He had not dared to dream of such bliss.  He had hesitated long before asking them to come, and in asking them he had blushed and stammered:  the invitation had seemed to him to savour of audacity.  But, bless you! they had accepted with apparent ecstasy.  They gave him to think that they had genuinely wanted to come.  And they came extra-specially dressed-visions, lilies of the field.  And as the day was quite warm, tea was served in the garden, and everybody admired the view; and there was no restraint, no awkwardness.  In particular Ella talked with an ease and a distinction that enchanted Horace, and almost made him talk with ease and distinction too.  He said to himself that, seeing he had only known her a month, he was getting on amazingly.  He said to himself that his good luck passed belief.

Then there was a sound of cab-wheels on the other side of the garden-wall, and presently Horace heard the housekeeper complimenting Sidney on his good looks, and Sidney asking the housekeeper to lend him three shillings to pay the cabman.  The golden youth had returned without the slightest warning from his cruise.  The tea trio, at the lower end of the garden, saw him standing in the porch, tanned, curly, graceful, and young.  Horace half rose, and then sat down again.  Ella stared hard.

‘That must be your brother,’ she said.

‘Yes, that’s Sid,’ Horace answered; and then, calling out loudly:  ’Come down here, Sid, and tell them to bring another cup and saucer.’

‘Right you are, old man,’ Sidney shouted.  ’You see I’m back.  What!  Mrs Penkethman, is that you?’ He came down the central path of the garden like a Narcissus.

‘He does look delicate,’ said Ella under her breath to Horace.  Tears came to her eyes.

Naturally Ella knew all about Sidney.  She enjoyed the entire confidence of Mrs Penkethman, and what Mrs Penkethman didn’t know of the private history of the upper classes in Bursley did not amount to very much.

These were nearly the last words that Ella spoke to Horace that afternoon.  The introduction was made, and Sidney slipped into the party as comfortably as he slipped into everything, like a candle slipping into a socket.  But nevertheless Ella talked no more.  She just stared at Sidney, and listened to him.  Horace was proud that Sidney had made such an impression on her; he was glad that she showed no aversion to Sidney, because, in the event of Horace’s marriage, where would Sidney live, if not with Horace and Horace’s wife?  Still, he could have wished that Ella would continue to display her conversational powers.

Presently, Sidney lighted a cigarette.  He was of those young men whose delicate mouths seem to have been fashioned for the nice conduct of a cigarette.  And he had a way of blowing out the smoke that secretly ravished every feminine beholder.  Horace still held to his boyhood’s principles; but he envied Sidney a little.

At the conclusion of the festivity these two women naturally could not be permitted to walk home alone.  And, naturally, also, the four could not walk abreast on the narrow pavements.  Horace went first with Mrs Penkethman.  He was mad with anxiety to appropriate Ella, but he dared not.  It would not have been quite correct; it would have been, as they say in Bursley, too thick.  Besides, there was the question of age.  Horace was over thirty, and Mrs Penkethman was also-over thirty; whereas Sidney was twenty-one, and so was Ella.  Hence Sidney walked behind with Ella, and the procession started in silence.  Horace did not look round too often-that would not have been quite proper-but whenever he did look round the other couple had lagged farther and farther behind, and Ella seemed perfectly to have recovered her speech.  At length he looked round, and lo! they had not turned the last corner; and they arrived at Mrs Penkethman’s cottage at Hillport a quarter of an hour after their elders.

IV

The wedding cost Horace a large sum of money.  You see, he could not do less than behave handsomely by the bride, owing to his notorious admiration for her; and of course the bridegroom needed setting up.  Horace practically furnished their home for them out of his own pocket; it was not to be expected that Sidney should have resources.  Further, Sidney as a single man, paying seven-and-six a week for board and lodging, could no doubt struggle along upon three pounds weekly.  But Sidney as a husband, with the nicest girl in the world to take care of, and house-rent to pay, could not possibly perform the same feat.  Although he did no more work at the manufactory-Horace could not have been so unbrotherly as to demand it-Horace paid him eight pounds a week instead of three.

And the affair cost Horace a good deal besides money.  But what could Horace do?  He decidedly would not have wished to wreck the happiness of two young and beautiful lives, even had he possessed the power to do so.  And he did not possess the power.  Those two did not consult Horace before falling in love.  They merely fell in love, and there was an end of it-and an end of Horace too!  Horace had to suffer.  He did suffer.

Perhaps it was for his highest welfare that other matters came to monopolize his mind.  One sorrow drives out another.  If you sit on a pin you are apt to forget that you have the toothache.  The earthenware manufactory was not going well.  Plenty of business was being done, but not at the right prices.  Crushed between the upper and nether millstones of the McKinley Tariff and German competition, Horace, in company with other manufacturers, was breathing out his life’s blood in the shape of capital.  The truth was that he had never had enough capital.  He had heavily mortgaged the house at Toft End in order to purchase his partners’ shares in the business and have the whole undertaking to himself, and he profoundly regretted it.  He needed every penny that he could collect; the strictest economy was necessary if he meant to survive the struggle.  And here he was paying eight pounds a week to a personage purely ornamental, after having squandered hundreds in rendering that personage comfortable!  The situation was dreadful.

You may ask, Why did he not explain the situation to Sidney?  Well, partly because he was too kind, and partly because he was too proud, and partly because Sidney would not have understood.  Horace fought on, keeping up a position in the town and hoping that miracles would occur.

Then Ella’s expectations were realized.  Sidney and she had some twenty thousand pounds to play with.  And they played the most agreeable games.  But not in Bursley.  No.  They left Horace in Bursley and went to Llandudno for a spell.  Horace envied them, but he saw them off at the station as an elder brother should, and tipped the porters.

Certainly he was relieved of the formality of paying eight pounds a week to his brother.  But this did not help him much.  The sad fact was that ‘things’ (by which is meant fate, circumstances, credit, and so on) had gone too far.  It was no longer a question of eight pounds a week; it was a question of final ruin.

Surely he might have borrowed money from Sidney?  Sidney had no money; the money was Ella’s, and Horace could not have brought himself to borrow money from a woman-from Ella, from a heavenly creature who always had a soothing sympathetic word for him.  That would have been to take advantage of Ella.  No, if you suggest such a thing, you do not know Horace.

I stated in the beginning that he had no faults.  He was therefore absolutely honest.  And he called his creditors together while he could yet pay them twenty shillings in the pound.  It was a noble act, rare enough in the Five Towns and in other parts of England.  But he received no praise for it.  He had only done what every man in his position ought to do.  If Horace had failed for ten times the sum that his debts actually did amount to, and then paid two shillings in the pound instead of twenty, he would have made a stir in the world and been looked up to as no ordinary man of business.

Having settled his affairs in this humdrum, idiotic manner, Horace took a third-class return to Llandudno.  Sidney and Ella were staying at the hydro with the strange Welsh name, and he found Sidney lolling on the sunshiny beach in front of the hydro discoursing on the banjo to himself.  When asked where his wife was, Sidney replied that she was lying down, and was obliged to rest as much as possible.

Horace, ashamed to trouble this domestic idyl, related his misfortunes as airily as he could.

And Sidney said he was awfully sorry, and had no notion how matters stood, and could he do anything for Horace?  If so, Horace might-

‘No,’ said Horace.  ’I’m all right.  I’ve very fortunately got an excellent place as manager in a big new manufactory in Germany.’ (This is how we deal with German competition in the Five Towns.)

‘Germany?’ cried Sidney.

‘Yes,’ said Horace; ‘and I start the day after tomorrow.’

‘Well,’ said Sidney, ‘at any rate you’ll stay the night.’

‘Thanks,’ said Horace, ‘you’re very kind.  I will.’

So they went into the hydro together, Sidney caressing his wonderful new pearl-inlaid banjo; and Horace talked in low tones to Ella as she lay on the sofa.  He convinced Ella that his departure to Germany was the one thing he had desired all his life, because it was not good that Ella should be startled, shocked, or grieved.

They dined well.

But in the night Sidney had a recurrence of his old illness-a bad attack; and Horace sat up through the dark hours, fetched the doctor, and bought things at the chemist’s.  Towards morning Sidney was better.  And Horace, standing near the bed, gazed at his stepbrother and tried in his stupid way to read the secrets beneath that curly hair.  But he had no success.  He caught himself calculating how much Sidney had cost him, at periods of his career when he could ill spare money; and, having caught himself, he was angry with himself for such baseness.  At eight o’clock he ventured to knock at Ella’s door and explain to her that Sidney had not been quite well.  She had passed a peaceful night, for he had, of course, refrained from disturbing her.

He was not quite sure whether Sidney had meant him to stay at the hydro as his guest, so he demanded a bill, paid it, said good-bye, and left for Bonn-on-the-Rhine.  He was very exhausted and sleepy.  Happily the third-class carriages on the London & North-Western are pretty comfortable.  Between Chester and Crewe he had quite a doze, and dreamed that he had married Ella after all, and that her twenty thousand pounds had put the earthenware business on a footing of magnificent and splendid security.

V

A few months later Horace’s house and garden at Toft End were put up to auction by arrangement with his mortgagee and his trade-creditors.  And Sidney was struck with the idea of buying the place.  The impression was that it would go cheap.  Sidney said it would be a pity to let the abode pass out of the family.  Ella said that the idea of buying it was a charming one, because in the garden it was that she had first met her Sidney.  So the place was duly bought, and Sidney and Ella went to live there.

Several years elapsed.

Then one day little Horace was informed that his uncle Horace, whom he had never seen, was coming to the house on a visit, and that he must be a good boy, and polite to his uncle, and all the usual sort of thing.

And in effect Horace the elder did arrive in the afternoon.  He found no one to meet him at the station, or at the garden gate of the pleasaunce that had once been his, or even at the front door.  A pert parlour-maid told him that her master and mistress were upstairs in the nursery, and that he was requested to go up.  And he went up, and to be sure Sidney met him at the top of the stairs, banjo in hand, cigarette in mouth, smiling, easy and elegant as usual-not a trace of physical weakness in his face or form.  And Horace was jocularly ushered into the nursery and introduced to his nephew.  Ella had changed.  She was no longer slim, and no longer gay and serious by turns.  She narrowly missed being stout, and she was continuously gay, like Sidney.  The child was also gay.  Everybody was glad to see Horace, but nobody seemed deeply interested in Horace’s affairs.  As a fact he had done rather well in Germany, and had now come back to England in order to assume a working partnership in a small potting concern at Hanbridge.  He was virtually beginning life afresh.  But what concerned Sidney and Ella was themselves and their offspring.  They talked incessantly about the infinitesimal details of their daily existence, and the alterations which they had made, or meant to make, in the house and garden.  And occasionally Sidney thrummed a tune on the banjo to amuse the infant.  Horace had expected them to be curious about Germany and his life in Germany.  But not a bit!  He might have come in from the next street and left them only yesterday, for all the curiosity they exhibited.

‘Shall we go down to the drawing-room and have tea, eh?’ said Ella.

‘Yes, let’s go and kill the fatted calf,’ said Sidney.

And strangely enough, inexplicably enough, Horace did feel like a prodigal.

Sidney went off with his precious banjo, and Ella picked up sundry belongings without which she never travelled about the house.

‘You carry me down-stairs, unky?’ the little nephew suggested, with an appealing glance at his new uncle.  ‘No,’ said Horace, ’I’m dashed if I do!’