THE RESPONSIBILITY OF MOTHERHOOD

As far as the necessities for it go in the animal world, nearly all animals have a very strong sense of the responsibility of motherhood ­unless they have become over-civilised, or live under unnatural circumstances.  A striking example of the consequences of the latter state of being is shown by “Barbara,” that thrillingly attractive Polar bear in the Zoo, whose twelfth and thirteenth infants were only the other day condemned to follow their brothers and sisters to an early grave through their parents’ ­and especially their mother’s ­gross stupidity about their bringing-up and welfare.  And we who are human animals, given by God conscious souls, ought to realise the fact that civilisation and pampered environment have enormously blunted our natural instincts in this respect, just as they have Barbara’s, and so we should try to restore the loss by consciously cultivating our understanding of the subject and deliberately realising the tremendous responsibilities we incur by bringing children into the world.  When we think about the matter quietly, the magnitude of it is almost overwhelming, and yet there are hundreds and thousands of women who never give it a serious thought!  They have some vague idea that to have children is the inevitable result of matrimony, and that if they pay others to feed and clothe the little creatures, and give them some instruction in the way that they should go, their own part of the affair is finished.  That, until a child is grown to an age to judge for itself, the parents will be held responsible for their stewardship of its body and soul at the great tribunal of God does not strike them, and it is only perhaps when the boomerang of their neglect has returned to them and blasted them with calamity that they become conscious of their past negligence.

In this article I do not propose to touch upon the father’s side of the question, important as it is, but shall confine myself to the mother’s, because this has always been one of my deep preoccupations to think out the meaning of it all, and how best to fulfil the trust.  Obviously the sole aim of true motherhood is the moral and physical welfare of the child, and to accomplish this end we should understand that it is quite impossible to lay down any set rule, or go by any recognised and unchangeable method.  For in one age certain precepts are taught which are obsolete in the next, because science and the improvement of mechanical aids to well-being advance with such giant strides.  But if we keep the end in view it is simple enough to see that common sense and discrimination, unclouded by custom or sentiment or superstition, can accomplish miracles.  The circumstances of the particular case must always govern the method to be used in order to obtain the same given end, no matter what the station in life of the parents.  Thus every mother, from the humblest to the highest, ought to think out how she can best procure her child moral and physical welfare according to her means.

In the lives of the very poor the only thing to be done for the betterment of the understanding of the responsibility of motherhood seems to be to teach the simplest rules of hygiene which animals know by instinct, and after that for the State to take care of the children as much as possible.  For this very strange fact is in operation, namely, that while Nature leaves an insatiable desire to create life, she allows civilisation to rob human beings of instinctive knowledge of how to preserve it in its earliest stages, and that the human mother is of all creation the only one entirely at the mercy of imparted knowledge as regards the proper treatment of her offspring.

Into the conception of the duties of motherhood among the very poor we cannot go in this short paper ­the subject is too vast ­so we must confine ourselves to discussing those of a higher class where, having the means to do well, the responsibilities are far greater.  I want, if I can, to open a window, as it were, upon the outlook of the general responsibility of motherhood and let each class apply what it gathers of the meaning, if it wishes, to its own circumstances.

It is the aim and end of a thing which is of sole importance; in this case the aim and end being the happiness and welfare of the child.  And that is the point which I want to harp upon, the necessity of keeping the goal in view and of not wandering off into side issues.  It was for the sake of the end, namely, obtaining happiness, that I tried to show in my articles upon marriage how common sense might secure this desired state.  And it was to the end of what might be best for England that I pleaded for the necessity of using fair judgment over the question of facilitating or restricting divorce.  And it is now to the end of helping the coming race to be fine and true that I want to talk about the responsibility of motherhood.

Let us take the subject from the very beginning.

PRE-NATAL INFLUENCES

The thought for the child should commence with the first knowledge of its coming birth.  A tremendous control of self, and emotions, and foolish habits, and a stern command of nerves should be the prospective mother’s constant effort, as science has proved that all pre-natal influences have such powerful effect upon the child; and, surely, if any woman stopped to think of the colossal responsibility she has undertaken in having become the vehicle to bring a soul from God to earth, she would at least try to employ as much intelligence in the fulfilment of her obligation as she puts into succeeding in any of the worldly pursuits in life.  Think of the hours some women spend in painful discipline by going through exercises to keep their figures young and their faces beautiful ­the massage! the cures! and the “rests” they take to this end ­but who let their waiting time for motherhood be passed in a sort of relaxation of all control ­getting into tempers, indulging in nerves, over-smoking, or tiring themselves out with excitement without one thought for the coming little one, except as an inevitable necessity or a shocking nuisance.  During this period the wise woman ought to study such matters as heredity.  She ought to view the characteristics of her own and her husband’s families, and then firmly determine to counteract the objectionable features in them by making her own mind dwell upon only good and fine attributes for her child.  She ought to try to keep herself in perfect health by using common sense, and, above all, she should determine to fight and conquer the nervous emotions which more or less beset all women at such time.  She ought to encourage happy and loving relations with her husband, and try in every way to be in herself good and gentle and brave.  It is the most important moment in the whole of a woman’s life for self-discipline, because of the prodigious results of all her moods and actions upon the child, and yet, as I said before, it is one of the commonest sights to see a woman who at other times is a very good sort of creature, simply letting herself go and becoming an insupportable bore to her husband and the whole house, with her perverseness and her nerves and her fads.

If they could analyse causes, what bitter reproaches many poor little diseased, neurotic children might truly throw at their irresponsible mothers for endowing them with these evils before birth.

THE CASE OF TWO WOMEN

When the child is born ­again it is only its welfare which should be thought of by the mother, and not what custom or family opinion would enforce.  To me it seems that no mother ought to undertake any of the so-called duties of a mother that she is incapable of performing to the advantage of the child, who would be better cared for by employing highly trained service.  She should only force herself to do her best in uncongenial tasks if circumstances make it impossible for her to obtain a better nurse or teacher for her infant than she herself could be.  She must constantly keep the end in view, so as to stamp out prejudice and out-of-date methods; especially she should guard against making the child suffer for her own fads and experiments.  I believe I shall better illustrate what I mean by “keeping the end in view” if I give a few concrete examples, instead of trying to explain in the abstract.

Here is one example.

There were two women of my acquaintance, one of whom had an exquisitely obedient, perfectly brought-up little girl of five who was her constant thought, and a baby of two months.  This mother could afford an excellent nurse, and left all the physical care of the infant to her, concentrating her intelligence upon wise general supervision, and upon the training of the little girl whose dawning character was her study.  The other mother had two very ill-behaved, disobedient children of five and seven, and a baby of three months.  She spent her time washing and dressing the infant, fussing over it and caressing it from morning to night, and interfering with the paid nurse, who well knew her duties.  She was also quite indifferent to her appearance, and wearied her husband to death with her over-domesticity.  But she felt herself to be a perfect and affectionate wife and mother, and strongly censured the other woman when she admitted that she had never washed or dressed her baby, and was even rather nervous when she held it in case she should hurt its tender neck and head.  But the proof that the first woman was a true and good guardian of God’s gift to her was in the finely trained little girl, and the proof of the second woman’s undevelopment from the animal stage was in her concentrated and, in the circumstances, unnecessary preoccupation with the infant, to the entire neglect of the character training of the elder children.  Had they both been so poor that actual physical care of the infants devolved solely upon each mother, the first would have used all her intelligence to discover the sensible and common-sense way to carry out her duties, and the second would have continued using any obsolete method she had been accustomed to, while she lavished silly fuss and attention upon the baby.

FORE-THOUGHT FOR BEAUTY

The first woman had the end in view; the second did not look ahead at all, but simply indulged her own selfishly animal instincts, without a thought of what would be best for her child.

The apparently “good” mothers might be divided into two classes ­the animal mothers and the spiritual mothers.  The animal mothers are better than indifferent, and therefore abnormal, mothers, but are far below spiritual mothers, for they, the animal mothers, are only obeying natural instincts which have happily survived in them, but obeying them only as animals do, without reason or conscience.  And the spiritual mother uses her common sense and tries to secure the continual welfare of her child, looking ahead for all eventualities, from matters of health to personal appearance, as well as character training and soul elevation.

Numbers of women think that if they follow out the same lines of bringing-up for their children as are the recognised ones employed by their class they have fully done their duty, and that if the children do not profit by the stereotyped lessons of religion and behaviour that have been imparted to them by proper teachers it is the fault of the children, and a misfortune which they, the mothers, must bear with more or less resignation.

But indeed this is not so.

Let us take a spiritual mother’s duties in rotation, beginning with the most material.  After bringing into the world the healthiest infant her common sense has been able to secure, she should guard against any physical disability accruing to it that she can prevent.  In all matters of health she should either make a great study of the subject herself, or employ trained aid to its accomplishment; but beyond this there are other things which, if she neglects them, the boy or girl could reproach her for afterwards and with reason.  One is the fore-thought for beauty.  How many boys’ whole personal appearances are ruined by standing-out ears!  How many little girls’ complexions are irretrievably spoilt by unsuitable soap having been used which has burnt red veins into their tender cheeks.  These two small examples are entirely the fault of the mother and do not lie at the door of uncorrected habits in the children themselves.  No boy’s ears need stick out; there are caps and every sort of contrivance yearly being improved upon to obviate this disfigurement.  No girl need have anything but a beautiful skin if her mother uses intelligence and supervises the early treatment of it.  Because if she has the end in view, the mother will know that her little boy or girl will probably grow up and desire affection and happiness, and that beauty is a means not to be discounted to obtain these good things, and, for the securing of them, is relatively as important as having a well-endowed mind.

THE SPIRITUAL MOTHER

When the first dawning characteristics begin to show, the spiritual mother’s study of heredity will begin to stand her in good stead, for she must never forget that every expressed thought and action of a small child shows the indication of some undeveloped instinct, and should be watched by a sensible mother, so that she may decide which one to encourage and which one to curb, and, if possible, eradicate.  Should there be some strong inherited tendency which is not good, then her most careful care and influence will be needed.  There is not the slightest use in making rules and then leaving their enforcement to servants and governesses ­the true mother should see that her child thoroughly understands what it is being asked to do, and why it is being asked to do it.  She should appeal to its intelligence from earliest days, and make it comprehend it is for its own benefit.  For children cannot when very young be influenced by high moral considerations which come with maturer years, but only by personal gain or fear ­and if ruled by fear they invariably become deceitful.  It is a spiritual mother’s business to show interest in all her child’s tastes and occupations, and to supervise and direct them into the best channels, and if she has several children she should watch each one’s idiosyncrasies and not imagine that the same method will do for them all.  What good gardener would treat a rose-tree in the same fashion which he does a tulip bulb?  The spiritual mother should think out for herself, guided by what she sees are their personal needs, the best method of instructing her children in true morality ­that is, honour and truth, and freedom from all hypocrisy and deceit.  She should not be influenced by any set-down rules of religion or dogma, or by any precepts she may have been taught herself in her youth, if they no longer convey conviction because of the change in time, otherwise she will be following custom and losing sight of the end.  She should make her children understand that the soiling of their own souls by committing mean actions is the greatest sin, and that what other people think or do not think of them is of no consequence, but the only vital things are what God thinks and they think of themselves.  Hundreds of children’s afterlives are shipwrecked because they were only taught all the dry dogmas and seemings of religion, and the real meaning was never explained to them.  I know a rigorously strict clergyman’s family where the children are taught and conform to all the observances of their father’s church, and yet a falser, more paltry set of young creatures could not be found ­they have never had it explained to them that it is impossible to hoodwink God.  For a perfect example of the religious spirit not to employ towards children, all mothers ought to read the immortal scene between Trilby before she dies and Mrs. Bagot ­when the narrow woman expresses her puny views and Trilby puts forth her broad and true ones.  It is so incredibly stupid to use obsolete methods which can never obtain the desired end just because the dominion of custom is still strong upon us, and we have not been intelligent enough to grasp and benefit by the spirit of the age.  For all mothers must realise that they can never dominate the spirit of the age, and must either make vain fights with it, and be conquered to their loss, or must make terms with it and use it in its brightest and best aspect.  The spirit of this age is a totally different one to the spirit of their own childhood’s age.  It is shorn of reverence and unquestioning obedience to elders, and is an independent creature who will only obey through conviction of good or personal benefit.  Children are unerring and pitiless judges of those placed over them, and how can a mother, just because she is a mother, expect respect and reverence in her children if she earns their contempt by her conduct and selfishness?

It is the spiritual mother’s duty to instil chivalry towards the other sex into her little sons from earliest years, by making them polite to herself and to their sisters.  She should, before they go to school and when they return for the holidays, endeavour to influence them into liking cleanliness and care of their persons, especially when with ladies.  She should try to make these little men so happy and contented, so certain of sympathy and understanding that home spells heaven for them and remains the dearest memory of their lives, and for her little girls, over whom she has a far vaster influence, she should polish their minds, explain all the true and pure principles of life ­teach them the value of self-control and self-respect, and watch for and encourage all their graces, so that when they arrive at the ages of seventeen and eighteen they may be fitted in all points to shine in whatever world they belong to, and take their places among the best of their class.  Space forbids me to go on longer, although the subject seems only just to have been begun, so large is its sphere of action, but I must give one last concrete example of two women’s methods, to enforce my meaning of the importance of the end.

Both sent their girls to the same school, where every accomplishment was taught and the highest tone prevailed that the masters could inculcate.  The first mother showed deep interest in the holidays, in all her child’s lessons, directed and encouraged her, opening her understanding and broadening her point of view, while she attended to every physical grace.  She explained how her child should apply the knowledge she acquired during term, so that it should grow interesting, and as far as it lay in her power she endeavoured that her daughter should be fitted with every charm and attraction which could procure for her later on a larger selection from which to choose her partner in life.  The other mother let her girl run wild during the holidays, and allowed her to feel that all she learned was just an irksome duty to be forgotten the moment school was over.  Her appearance, her gentle manners, her refinement, her point of view, were all left to take their own chance, from the mistaken idea that it would encourage vanity and egotism in the girl to discuss these things with her ­and that she, the mother, had done all that was required of her in simply providing a good education!  This second mother had completely lost sight of the end, you see, and was unconsciously only thinking of herself and not of her child at all.

And this ­to think of the welfare of the child and allow no other point to obscure this ­is the whole meaning of the responsibility of motherhood.