Read Actus Secundus. Scena Prima of The Mad Lover, free online book, by Francis Beaumont and John Fletcher, on

Enter Memnon alone.

Mem. ’Tis but to dye, Dogs do it, Ducks with dabling, Birds sing away their Souls, & Babies sleep ’em, Why do I talk of that is treble vantage? For in the other World she is bound to have me; Her Princely word is past: my great desert too Will draw her to come after presently, ’Tis justice, and the gods must see it done too. Besides, no Brother, Father, Kindred there Can hinder us, all languages are alike too. There love is everlasting, ever young, Free from Diseases, ages, jealousies, Bawds, Beldames, Painters, Purgers: dye? ’tis nothing, Men drown themselves for joy to draw in Juleps When they are hot with Wine: In dreams we do it. And many a handsom Wench that loves the sport well, Gives up her Soul so in her Lovers bosome; But I must be incis’d first, cut and open’d, My heart, and handsomely, ta’n from me; stay there, Dead once, stay, let me think again, who do I know there? For else to wander up and down unwaited on And unregarded in my place and project, Is for a Sowters Soul, not an old Souldiers. My brave old Regiments I there it goes, That have been kill’d before me, right.

Enter Chilax.

Chil. He’s here, and I must trouble him.

Mem. Then those I have conquer’d
To make my train full.

Chi. Sir.

Mem. My Captains then

Chi. Sir, I beseech ye.

Mem. For to meet her there
Being a Princess and a Kings sole Sister
With great accommodation must be cared for.

Chi. Weigh but the Souldiers poverty.

Mem. Mine own Troop first
For they shall die.

Chi. How, what’s this?

Mem. Next

Chi. Shall I speak louder, Sir?

Mem. A square Battalia

Chi. You do not think of us.

Mem. Their Armours gilded

Chi. Good noble Sir.

Mem. And round about such Engines
Shall make Hell shake.

Chi. Ye do not mock me.

Mem. For, Sir,
I will be strong, as brave

Chi. Ye may consider,
You know we have serv’d you long enough.

Mem. No Souldier
That ever landed on the blest Elyzium
Did or shall march, as I will.

Chi. Would ye would march, Sir,
Up to the King and get us

Mem. King nor Keiser
Shall equal me in that world.

Chi. What a Devil ails he?

Mem. Next, the rare beauties of those Towns I fir’d.

Chi. I speak of money, Sir.

Mem. Ten thousand Coaches

Chi. O pounds, Sir, pounds I beseech your Lordship,
Let Coaches run out of your remembrance.

Mem. In which the wanton Cupids, and the Graces
Drawn with the Western winds kindling desires,
And then our Poets

Chi. Then our pay.

Mem. For Chilax when the triumph comes; the Princess
Then, for I will have a Heaven made

Chi. Bless your Lordship!
Stand still, Sir.

Mem. So I do, and in it

Chi. Death Sir,
You talk you know not what.

Mem. Such rare devices:
Make me I say a Heaven.

Chi. I say so too, Sir.

Mem. For here shall run a Constellation.

Chi. And there a pissing Conduit.

Mem. Ha!

Chi. With wine, Sir.

Mem. A Sun there in his height, there such a Planet.

Chi. But where’s our money, where runs that?

Mem. Ha?

Chi. Money,
Money an’t like your Lordship.

Mem. Why all the carriage shall come behind, the stuff,
Rich hangings, treasure;
Or say we have none.

Chi. I may say so truly,
For hang me if I have a Groat: I have serv’d well
And like an honest man: I see no reason

Mem. Thou must needs die good Chilax.

Chi. Very well, Sir.

Mem. I will have honest, valiant souls about me,
I cannot miss thee.

Chi. Dye?

Mem. Yes die, and Pelius,
Eumenes and Polybius: I shall think
Of more within these two hours.

Chi. Dye Sir?

Mem. I, Sir,
And ye shall dye.

Chi. When, I beseech your Lordship?

Mem. To morrow see ye do dye.

Ci. A short warning,
Troth, Sir, I am ill prepar’d.

Mem. I dye my self then,
Beside there’s reason

Chi. Oh!

Mem. I pray thee tell me,
For thou art a great Dreamer.

Chi. I can dream, Sir,
If I eat well and sleep well.

Mem. Was it never
By Dream or Apparition open’d to thee

Chi. He’s mad.

Mem. What the other world was, or Elyzium?
Didst never travel in thy sleep?

Chi. To Taverns, When I was drunk o’re night; or to a Wench, There’s an Elyzium for ye, a young Lady Wrapt round about ye like a Snake: is that it? Or if that strange Elyzium that you talk of Be where the Devil is, I have dream’t of him, And that I have had him by the horns, and rid him, He trots the Dagger out o’th’ sheath.

Mem. Elyzium,
The blessed fields man.

Chi. I know no fields blessed, but those I have gain’d by.
I have dream’t I have been in Heaven too.

Mem. There, handle that place; that’s Elyzium.

Chi. Brave singing, and brave dancing,
And rare things.

Mem. All full of flowers.

Chi. And Pot-herbs.

Mem. Bowers for lovers,
And everlasting ages of delight.

Chi. I slept not so far.

Mem. Meet me on those banks
Some two days hence.

Chi. In Dream, Sir?

Mem. No in death, Sir.
And there I Muster all, and pay the Souldier.
Away, no more, no more.

Chi. God keep your Lordship:
This is fine dancing for us.

Enter Siphax.

Si. Where’s the General?

Chi. There’s the old sign of Memnon, where the soul is
You may go look as I have.

Si. What’s the matter?

Chi. Why question him and see; he talks of Devils,
Hells, Heavens, Princes, Powers, and Potentates,
You must to th’ pot too.

Si. How?

Chi. Do you know Elyzium? a tale he talks the Wild-goose chase of.

Si. Elyzium? I have read of such a place.

Chi. Then get ye to him,
Ye are as fine company as can be fitted. [Exit Chilax.
Your Worships fairly met.

Si. Mercy upon us,
What ails this Gentleman?

Mem. Provision

Si. How his head works!

Mem. Between two Ribbs,
If he cut short or mangle me; I’le take him
And twirle his neck about.

Si. Now Gods defend us.

Mem. In a pure Cup transparent, with a writing
To signifie

Si. I never knew him thus:
Sure he’s bewitch’d, or poyson’d.

Mem. Who’s there?

Si. I Sir.

Mem. Come hither, Siphax.

Si. Yes, how does your Lordship?

Mem. Well, God a mercy Souldier, very well,
But prithee tell me

Si. Any thing I can, Sir.

Mem. What durst thou do to gain the rarest Beauty
The World has?

Si. That the World has? ’tis worth doing.

Mem. Is it so; but what doing bears it?

Si. Why! any thing; all danger it appears to.

Mem. Name some of those things: do.

Si. I would undertake, Sir,
A Voyage round about the World.

Mem. Short, Siphax.
A Merchant does it to spice pots of Ale.

Si. I wou’d swim in Armour.

Mem. Short still; a poor Jade
Loaden will take a stream and stem it strongly
To leap a Mare.

Si. The plague, I durst.

Mem. Still shorter,
I’ll cure it with an Onion.

Si. Surfeits.

Mem. Short still:
They are often Physicks for our healths, and help us.

Si. I wou’d stand a breach.

Mem. Thine honour bids thee, Souldier:
’Tis shame to find a second cause.

Si. I durst, Sir,
Fight with the fellest Monster.

Mem. That’s the poorest,
Man was ordain’d their Master; durst ye dye, Sir?

Si. How? dye my Lord!

Mem. Dye Siphax; take thy Sword,
And come by that door to her; there’s a price
To buy a lusty love at.

Si. I am content, Sir,
To prove no Purchaser.

Mem. Away thou World-worm,
Thou win a matchless Beauty?

Si. ’Tis to lose’t Sir,
For being dead, where’s the reward I reach at?
The love I labour for?

Mem. There it begins Fool, Thou art meerly cozen’d; for the loves we now know Are but the heats of half an hour; and hated Desires stir’d up by nature to encrease her; Licking of one another to a lust; Course and base appetites, earths meer inheritours And Heirs of Idleness and blood; Pure Love, That, that the soul affects, and cannot purchase While she is loaden with our flesh, that Love, Sir, Which is the price of honour, dwells not here, Your Ladies eyes are lampless to that Vertue, That beauty smiles not on a cheek washt over, Nor scents the sweet of Ambers; below, Siphax Below us, in the other World Elyzium, Where’s no more dying, no despairing, mourning, Where all desires are full, desarts down loaden, There Siphax, there, where loves are ever living.

Si. Why do we love in this World then?

Mem. To preserve it,
The maker lost his work else; but mark Siphax,
What issues that love bears.

Si. Why Children, Sir.
I never heard him talk thus; thus divinely
And sensible before.

Mem. It does so, Siphax, Things like our selves, as sensual, vain, unvented Bubbles, and breaths of air, got with an itching As blisters are, and bred, as much corruption Flows from their lives, sorrow conceives and shapes ’em, And oftentimes the death of those we love most. The breeders bring them to the World to curse ’em, Crying they creep amongst us like young Cats. Cares and continual Crosses keeping with ’em, They make Time old to tend them, and experience An ass, they alter so; they grow and goodly, Ere we can turn our thoughts, like drops of water They fall into the main, are known no more; This is the love of this World; I must tell thee For thou art understanding.

Si. What you please, Sir.

Mem. And as a faithful man:
Nay I dare trust thee,
I love the Princess.

Si. There ’tis, that has fired him,
I knew he had some inspiration.
But does she know it, Sir?

Mem. Yes marry does she,
I have given my heart unto her.

Si. If ye love her.

Mem. Nay, understand me, my heart taken from me, Out of my Body, man, and so brought to her. How lik’st thou that brave offer? there’s the love I told thee of; and after death, the living; She must in justice come Boy, ha?

Si. Your heart, Sir?

Mem. I, so by all means, Siphax.

Si. He loves roast well
That eats the Spit.

Mem. And since thou art come thus fitly, I’ll do it presently and thou shalt carry it, For thou canst tell a story and describe it. And I conjure thee, Siphax, by thy gentry, Next by the glorious Battels we have fought in, By all the dangers, wounds, heats, colds, distresses, Thy love next, and obedience, nay thy life.

Si. But one thing, first, Sir, if she pleas’d to grant it,
Could ye not love her here and live? consider.

Mem. Ha? Yes, I think I could.

Si. ’Twould be far nearer,
Besides the sweets here would induce the last love
And link it in.

Mem. Thou sayest right, but our ranks here
And bloods are bars between us, she must stand off too
As I perceive she does.

Si. Desert and Duty
Makes even all, Sir.

Mem. Then the King, though I Have merited as much as man can, must not let her, So many Princes covetous of her beauty; I wou’d with all my heart, but ’tis impossible.

Si. Why, say she marry after.

Mem. No, she dares not;
The gods dare not do ill; come.

Si. Do you mean it?

Mem. Lend me thy knife, and help me off.

Si. For heaven sake,
Be not so stupid mad, dear General.

Mem. Dispatch, I say.

Si. As ye love that ye look for,
Heaven and the blessed life.

Mem. Hell take thee, Coxcomb,
Why dost thou keep me from it? thy knife I say.

Si. Do but this one thing, on my knees I beg it, Stay but two hours till I return again. For I will to her, tell her all your merits, Your most unvalu’d love, and last your danger; If she relent, then live still, and live loving, Happy, and high in favour: if she frown

Mem. Shall I be sure to know it?

Si. As I live, Sir,
My quick return shall either bring ye fortune,
Or leave you to your own fate.

Mem. Two hours?

Si. Yes, Sir.

Mem. Let it be kept, away, I will expect it. [Ex. Mem. Si.

Enter Chilax, Fool and Boy.

Chi. You dainty wits! two of ye to a Cater,
To cheat him of a dinner?

Boy. Ten at Court, Sir,
Are few enough, they are as wise as we are.

Chi. Hang ye, I’le eat at any time, and any where,
I never make that part of want, preach to me
What ye can do, and when ye list.

Fool. Your patience,
’Tis a hard day at Court, a fish day.

Chi. So it seems, Sir,
The fins grow out of thy face.

Fool. And to purchase This day the company of one dear Custard, Or a mess of Rice ap Thomas, needs a main wit; Beef we can bear before us lined with Brewes And tubs of Pork; vociferating Veals, And Tongues that ne’re told lye yet.

Chi. Line thy mouth with ’em.

Fool. Thou hast need, and great need, For these finny fish-dayes, The Officers understandings are so flegmatick, They cannot apprehend us.

Chi. That’s great pity, For you deserve it, and being apprehended The whip to boot; Boy what do you so near me? I dare not trust your touch Boy.

Enter Stremon and his Boy.

Boy. As I am vertuous,
What, thieves amongst our selves?

Chi. Stremon.

Stre. Lieutenant.

Chi. Welcome a shore, a shore.

Fool. What Mounsieur Musick?

Stre. My fine Fool.

Boy. Fellow Crack, why what a consort
Are we now blest withal?

Fool. Fooling and fidling,
Nay and we live not now boys; what new songs, Sirra?

Stre. A thousand, man, a thousand.

Fool. Itching Airs
Alluding to the old sport.

Stre. Of all sizes.

Fool. And how does small Tym Treble here; the heart on’t?

2 Boy. To do you service.

Fool. O Tym the times, the times Tym.

Stre. How does the General,
And next what money’s stirring?

Chi. For the General He’s here, but such a General! The time’s chang’d, Stremon, He was the liberal General, and the loving, The feeder of a Souldier, and the Father, But now become the stupid’st.

Stre. Why, what ails he?

Chi. Nay, if a Horse knew, and his head’s big enough, I’le hang for’t; did’st thou ever see a Dog Run mad o’th’ tooth-ache, such another toy Is he now, so he glotes and grins, and bites.

Fool. Why hang him quickly,
And then he cannot hurt folks.

Chi. One hour raving, Another smiling, not a word the third hour, I tell thee Stremon h’as a stirring soul, What ever it attempts or labours at Would wear out twenty bodies in another.

Fool. I’le keep it out of me, for mine’s but Buckram,
He would bownce that out in two hours.

Chi. Then he talks The strangest and the maddest stuff from reason, Or any thing ye offer; stand thou there, I’le show thee how he is, for I’le play Memnon The strangest General that ere thou heardst of, Stremon.

Stre. My Lord.

Chi. Go presently and find me A black Horse with a blew tail; bid the blank Cornet Charge through the Sea, and sink the Navy: softly, Our souls are things not to be waken’d in us With larums, and loud bawlings, for in Elyzium Stilness and quietness, and sweetness, Sirra, I will have, for it much concerns mine honour, Such a strong reputation for my welcome As all the world shall say: for in the forefront So many on white Unicorns, next them My Gentlemen, my Cavaliers and Captains, Ten deep and trapt with Tenter-hooks to take hold Of all occasions: for Friday cannot fish out The end I aim at; tell me of Diocles, And what he dares do? dare he meet me naked? Thunder in this hand? in his left Fool

Fool. Yes, Sir.

Chi. Fool, I would have thee fly i’th’ Air, fly swiftly
To that place where the Sun sets, there deliver.

Fool. Deliver? what, Sir?

Chi. This Sir, this ye slave, Sir, [All laugh.
Death ye rude Rogues, ye Scarabe’s.

Fool. Hold for Heav’ns sake, Lieutenant, sweet Lieutenant.

Chi. I have done, Sir.

Boy. You have wrung his neck off.

Chi. No Boy, ’tis the nature
Of this strange passion when’t hits to hale people
Along by th’ hair, to kick ’em, break their heads.

Fool. Do ye call this Acting, was your part to beat me?

Chi. Yes, I must act all that he does.

Fool. Plague act ye,
I’le act no more.

Stre. ’Tis but to shew man.

Fool. Then man He should have shew’d it only, and not done it, I am sure he beat me beyond Action, Goûts o’ your heavy fist.

Chi. I’le have thee to him,
Thou hast a fine wit, fine fool, and canst play rarely.
He’l hug thee, Boy, and stroke thee.

Fool. I’le to the stocks first,
E’re I be strok’t thus.

Strem. But how came he, Chilax?

Chi. I know not that.

Strem. I’le to him.

Chi. He loves thee well,
And much delights to hear thee sing; much taken
He has been with thy battel songs.

Stre. If Musick
Can find his madness; I’le so fiddle him,
That out it shall by th’ shoulders.

Chi. My fine Fidler, He’l firk you and ye take not heed too: ’twill be rare sport To see his own trade triumph over him; His Lute lac’d to his head, for creeping hedges; For mony there’s none stirring; try good Stremon Now what your silver sound can do; our voices Are but vain Echoes.

Stre. Something shall be done Shall make him understand all; let’s toth’ Tavern, I have some few Crowns left yet: my whistle wet once I’le pipe him such a Paven

Chi. Hold thy head up,
I’le cure it with a quart of wine; come Coxcomb,
Come Boy take heed of Napkins.

Fool. Youl’d no more acting?

Chi. No more Chicken.

Fool. Go then. [Exeunt omnes.

Enter Siphax at one door, and a Gentleman at the other.

Si. God save you Sir; pray how might I see the Princess?

Gent. Why very fitly, Sir, she’s even now ready
To walk out this way intoth’ Park; stand there,
Ye cannot miss her sight, Sir.

Si. I much thank ye. [Exit Gentleman.

Enter Calis, Lucippe, and Cleanthe.

Cal. Let’s have a care, for I’le assure ye Wenches I wou’d not meet him willingly again; For though I do not fear him, yet his fashion I wou’d not be acquainted much with.

Clé. Gentle Lady,
Ye need not fear, the walks are view’d and empty,
But me thinks, Madam, this kind heart of his

Lucip. He’s slow a coming.

Si. Keep me ye blest Angels,
What killing power is this?

Cal. Why, dost thou look for’t?
Dost think he spoke in earnest?

Lucip. Methinks, Madam,
A Gentleman should keep his word; and to a Lady,
A Lady of your excellencies.

Cal. Out Fool!
Send me his heart? what should we do with’t? dance it?

Lucip. Dry it and drink it for the Worms.

Cal. Who’s that?
What man stands there?

Clean. Where?

Cal. There.

Clé. A Gentleman,
Which I beseech your grace to honour so much,
As know him for your servants Brother.

Cal. Siphax?

Clé. The same an’t please your grace; what does he here?
Upon what business? and I ignorant?

Cal. He’s grown a handsome Gentleman: good Siphax Y’are welcome from the Wars; wou’d ye with us, Sir? Pray speak your will: he blushes, be not fearfull, I can assure ye for your Sisters sake, Sir, There’s my hand on it.

Clé. Do you hear, Sir?

Cal. Sure these Souldiers
Are all grown senseless.

Clé. Do ye know where ye are, Sir?

Cal. Tongue-tyed,
He looks not well too, by my life, I think

Clé. Speak for shame speak.

Lucip. A man wou’d speak

Cal. These Souldiers
Are all dumb Saints: consider and take time, Sir,
Let’s forward Wenches, come, his Palat’s down.

Luc. Dare these men charge i’th’ face of fire and bullets?
And hang their heads down at a handsome Woman?
Good master Mars, that’s a foul fault. [Ex. Prin. Lucippe.

Clé. Fye beast,
No more my Brother.

Si. Sister, honoured Sister.

Clé. Dishonoured fool.

Si. I do confess.

Clé. Fye on thee.

Si. But stay till I deliver.

Clé. Let me go,
I am asham’d to own thee.

Si. Fare ye well then,
Ye must ne’re see me more.

Clé. Why stay dear Siphax,
My anger’s past; I will hear ye speak.

Si. O Sister!

Clé. Out with it Man.

Si. O I have drunk my mischief.

Clé. Ha? what?

Si. My destruction.
In at mine eyes I have drunk it; O the Princess,
The rare sweet Princess!

Clé. How fool? the rare Princess?
Was it the Princess that thou said’st?

Si. The Princess.

Clé. Thou dost not love her sure, thou darst not.

Si. Yes by Heaven.

Clé. Yes by Heaven? I know thou darst not. The Princess? ’tis thy life the knowledge of it, Presumption that will draw into it all thy kindred, And leave ’em slaves and succourless; the Princess? Why she’s a sacred thing to see and worship, Fixt from us as the Sun is, high, and glorious, To be ador’d not doted on; desire things possible, Thou foolish young man, nourish not a hope Will hale thy heart out.

Si. ’Tis my destinie,
And I know both disgrace and death will quit it,
If it be known.

Clé. Pursue it not then, Siphax,
Get thee good wholesome thoughts may nourish thee,
Go home and pray.

Si. I cannot.

Clé. Sleep then, Siphax,
And dream away thy doting.

Si. I must have her,
Or you no more your Brother; work Cleanthe,
Work, and work speedily, or I shall die Wench.

Clé. Dye then, I dare forget; farewel.

Si. Farewel Sister.
Farewel for ever, see me buried.

Clé. Stay.
Pray stay: he’s all my brothers: no way Siphax,
No other Woman?

Si. None, none, she or sinking.

Clé. Go and hope well, my life I’le venture for thee And all my art, a Woman may work miracles; No more, pray heartily against my fortunes, For much I fear a main one.

Si. I shall do it. [Exeunt.