i
In the succeeding quietness, Emmy
fumbled at the old man’s hands; then quickly
at his breast, near the heart. Trembling violently,
she looked up at Alf, as if beseeching his aid.
He too knelt, and Emmy took Pa’s lolling head
into her lap, as though by her caress she thought to
restore colour and life to the features. The two
discoverers did not speak nor reason: they were
wholly occupied with the moment’s horror.
At last Alf said, almost in a whisper:
“I think it’s all right.
He’s hit his head. Feel his head, and see
if it’s bleeding.”
Emmy withdrew one hand. A finger
was faintly smeared with blood. She shuddered,
looking in horror at the colour against her hand; and
Alf nodded sharply at seeing his supposition verified.
His eye wandered from the insensible body, to a chair,
to the open cupboard, to the topmost shelf of the
cupboard. Emmy followed his glance point by point,
and in conclusion they looked straight into each other’s
eyes, with perfect understanding. Alf’s
brows arched.
“Get some water quick!”
Emmy cried sharply. She drew her handkerchief
from her breast as Alf returned with a jugful of water;
and, having folded it, she dangled the kerchief in
the jug.
“Slap it on!” urged Alf. “He
can’t feel it, you know.”
So instructed, Emmy first of all turned
Pa’s head to discover the wound, and saw that
her skirt was already slightly stained by the oozing
blood. With her wetted handkerchief she gently
wiped the blood from Pa’s hair. It was
still quite moist, and more blood flowed at the touch.
That fact made her realise instinctively that the
accident, the stages of which had been indicated by
Alf’s wandering glances, had happened within
a few minutes of their arrival. When Alf took
the jug and threw some of its contents upon the old
man’s grey face, splashing her, she made an
impatient gesture of protest.
“No, no!” she cried.
“It’s all over me!” “Been
after his beer, he has,” Alf unnecessarily explained.
“That’s what it is. Got up on the
chair, and fell off it, trying to get at it. Bad
boy!”
As she did not answer, from the irritation
caused by nervous apprehensiveness, he soaked his
own handkerchief and began to slap it across Pa’s
face, until the jug was empty. Alf thoughtfully
sprinkled the last drops from it so that they fell
cascading about Pa. He was turning away to refill
the jug, when a notion occurred to him.
“Any brandy in the house?”
he asked. “Ought to have thought of it
before. Pubs are all closed now.”
“See if there’s any ...
up there.” Emmy pointed vaguely upwards.
She was bent over Pa, gently wiping the trickles of
water from his ghastly face, caressing with her wet
handkerchief the closed eyes and the furrowed brow.
Alf climbed upon the chair from which
Pa had fallen, and reached his hand round to the back
of the high shelf, feeling for whatever was there.
With her face upturned, Emmy watched and listened.
She heard a very faint clink, as if two small bottles
had been knocked together, and then a little dump,
as if one of them had fallen over.
“Glory!” said Alf, still
in the low voice that he had used earlier. “Believe
I’ve got it!”
“Got it? Is there any in
it?” Emmy at the same instant was asking.
Alf was sniffing at the little bottle
which he had withdrawn from the cupboard. He
then descended carefully from the chair, and held the
uncorked bottle under her nose, for a corroborative
sniff. It was about half full of brandy.
Satisfied, he knelt as before, now trying, however,
to force Pa’s teeth apart, and rubbing some of
the brandy upon the parted lips.
“This’ll do it!”
Alf cheerfully and reassuringly cried. “Half
a tick. I’ll get some water to wet his
head again.” He stumbled once more out
into the scullery, and the careful Emmy unconsciously
flinched as she heard the jug struck hard in the darkness
against the tap. Her eye was fixed upon the jug
as it was borne brimming and splashing back to her
side. She could not help feeling such housewifely
anxiety even amid the tremors of her other acute concern.
As Alf knelt he lavishly sprinkled some more water
upon Pa’s face, and set the jug ready to Emmy’s
hand, working with a quiet deftness that aroused her
watchful admiration. He was here neither clumsy
nor rough: if his methods were as primitive as
the means at hand his gentle treatment of the senseless
body showed him to be adaptable to an emergency.
How she loved him! Pride gleamed in Emmy’s
eyes. She could see in him the eternal handy-man
of her delight, made for husbandhood and as clearly
without nonsense as any working wife could have wished.
Pa’s nightshirt was blackened
with great splashes of water, and the soaked parts
clung tightly to his breast. At the neck it was
already open, and they both thought they could see
at this moment a quick contraction of the throat.
An additional augury was found in the fact that Alf
simultaneously had succeeded in dribbling some of the
brandy between Pa’s teeth, and although some
of it ran out at the corners of his mouth and out
on to his cheeks, some also was retained and would
help to revive him. Alf gave another quick nod,
this time one of satisfaction.
“Feel his heart!” Emmy
whispered. He did so. “Can you feel
it?”
“It’s all right. Famous!”
Pa gave a little groan. He seemed
to stir. Emmy felt his shoulders move against
her knees; and she looked quickly up, a faint relieved
smile crossing her anxious face. Then, as Alf
returned her glance, his eyes became fixed, and he
looked beyond her and up over her head. Jenny
stood in the doorway, fully dressed, but without either
hat or coat, her face blanched at the picture before
her.
ii
To Jenny, coming with every precautionary
quietness into the house, the sight came as the greatest
shock. She found the kitchen door ajar, heard
voices, and then burst upon the three feebly illumined
figures. Emmy, still in her out-of-doors coat,
knelt beside Alf upon the floor; and between them,
with a face terribly grey, lay Pa, still in his old
red nightshirt, with one of his bare feet showing.
The stained shirt, upon which the marks of water,
looking in this light perfectly black, might have
been those of blood, filled Jenny with horror.
It was only when she saw both Emmy and Alf staring
mutely at her that she struggled against the deadly
faintness that was thickening a veil of darkness before
her eyes. It was a dreadful moment.
“Hullo Jen!” Alf said. “Look
here!”
“I thought you must be in bed,” Emmy murmured.
“Isn’t it awful!”
Not a suspicion! Her heart felt
as if somebody had sharply pinched it. They did
not know she had been out! It made her tremble
in a sudden flurry of excited relief. She quickly
came forward, bending over Pa. Into his cheeks
there had come the faintest wash of colour. His
eyelids fluttered. Jenny stooped and took his
hand, quite mechanically, pressing it between hers
and against her heart. And at that moment Pa’s
eyes opened wide, and he stared up at her. With
Alf at his side and Emmy behind him, supporting his
head upon her lap, Pa could see only Jenny, and a
twitching grin fled across his face a grin
of loving recognition. It was succeeded by another
sign of recovery, a peculiar fumbling suggestion of
remembered cunning.
“Jenny, my dearie,” whispered
Pa, gaspingly. “A good ... boy!” His
eyes closed again.
Emmy looked in quick challenge at
Alf, as if to say “You see how it is! She
comes in last, and it’s her luck that he should
see her.... Always the same!” And Jenny
was saying, very low:
“It looks to me as if you’d been a bad
boy!”
“Can’t be with him all
the time!” Emmy put in, having reached a point
of general self-defence in the course of her mental
explorations. She was recovering from her shock
and her first horrible fears.
“Shall we get him to bed?
Carry him back in there?” Jenny asked. “The
floor’s soaking wet.” She had not
to receive any rebuke: Emmy, although shaken,
was reviving in happiness and in graciousness with
each second’s diminution of her dread.
She now agreed to Pa’s removal; and they all
stumbled into his bedroom and laid him upon his own
bed. Alf went quickly back again to the kitchen
for the brandy; and presently a good dose of this
was sending its thrilling and reviving fire through
Pa’s person. Emmy had busied herself in
making a bandage for his wounded head; and Jenny had
arranged him more comfortably, drying his chest and
laying a little towel between his body and the night-short
lest he should take cold. Pa was very complacently
aware of these ministrations, and by the time they
were in full order completed he was fast asleep, having
expressed no sort of contrition for his naughtiness
or for the alarm he had given them all.
Reassured, the party returned to the kitchen.
iii
Alf could not now wait to sit down
to supper; but he drank a glass of beer, after getting
it down for himself and rather humorously illustrating
how Pa’s designs must have been frustrated.
He then, with a quick handshake with Jenny, hurried
away.
“I’ll let you out,”
Emmy said. There were quick exchanged glances.
Jenny was left alone in the kitchen for two or three
minutes until Emmy returned, humming a little self-consciously,
and no longer pale.
“Quite a commotion,” said Emmy, with assumed
ease.
Jenny was looking at her, and Jenny’s
heart felt as though it were bursting. She had
never in her life known such a sensation of guilt guilt
at the suppression of a vital fact. Yet above
that sense of guilt, which throbbed within all her
consciousness, was a more superficial concern with
the happenings of the moment.
“Yes,” Jenny said.
“And.... Had you been in long?” she
asked quickly.
“Only a minute. We found
him like that. We didn’t come straight home.”
“Oh,” said Jenny, significantly,
though her heart was thudding. “You didn’t
come straight home.” Emmy’s colour
rose still higher. She faltered slightly, and
tears appeared in her eyes. She could not explain.
Some return of her jealousy, some feeling of what Jenny
would “think,” checked her. The communication
must be made by other means than words. The two
sisters eyed each other. They were very near,
and Emmy’s lids were the first to fall.
Jenny stepped forward, and put a protective arm round
her; and as if Emmy had been waiting for that she began
smiling and crying at one and the same moment.
“Looks to me as if....”
Jenny went on after this exchange.
“I’m sorry I was a beast,”
Emmy said. “I’m as different as anything
now.”
“You’re a dear!”
Jenny assured her. “Never mind about what
you said.”
It was an expansive moment. Their
hearts were charged. To both the evening had
been the one poignant moment of their lives, an evening
to provide reflections for a thousand other evenings.
And Emmy was happy, for the first time for many days,
with the thought of happy life before her. She
described in detail the events of the theatre and the
walk. She did not give an exactly true story.
It was not to be expected that she would do so.
Jenny did not expect it. She gave indications
of her happiness, which was her main object; and she
gave further indications, less intentional, of her
character, as no author can avoid doing. And
Jenny, immediately discounting, and in the light of
her own temperament re-shaping and re-proportioning
the form of Emmy’s narrative, was like the eternal
critic apprehending only what she could
personally recognise. But both took pleasure
in the tale, and both saw forward into the future
a very satisfactory ending to Emmy’s romance.
“And we got back just as twelve
was striking,” Emmy concluded.
A deep flush overspread Jenny’s
face. She turned away quickly in order that it
might not be seen. Emmy still continued busy with
her thoughts. It occurred to her to be surprised
that Jenny should be fully dressed. The surprise
pressed her further onward with the narrative.
“And then, of course, we found
Pa. Wasn’t it strange of him to do it?
He couldn’t have been there long.... He
must have waited for you to go up. He must have
listened. I must find another place to keep it,
though he’s never done such a thing before in
his life. He must have listened for you going
up, and then come creeping out here.... Why, there’s
his candle on the floor! Fancy that! Might
have set fire to the whole house! See, you couldn’t
have been upstairs long.... I thought you must
have been, seeing the fire was black out. Did
you go to sleep in front of it? I thought you
might have laid a bit of supper for us. I thought
you would have. But if you were asleep,
I don’t wonder. I thought you’d have
been in bed hours. Did you hear anything?
He must have made a racket falling off the chair.
What made you come down again? Pa must have listened
like anything.”
“I didn’t come down,”
Jenny said, in a slow, passionless voice. “I
hadn’t gone to bed. I was out. I’d
been out all the evening ... since quarter-to-nine.”
iv
At first Emmy could not understand.
She stood, puzzled, unable to collect her thoughts.
“Jenny!” at last she said,
unbelievingly. Accusing impulses showed in her
face. The softer mood, just passing, was replaced
by one of anger. “Well, I must say it’s
like you,” Emmy concluded. “I’m
not to have a moment out of the house.
I can’t even leave you....”
“Half-an-hour after you’d
gone,” urged Jenny, “I got a note from
Keith.”
“Keith!” It was Emmy’s sign that
she had noted the name.
“I told you.... He’d only got the
one evening in London.”
“Couldn’t he have come here?”
“He mustn’t leave his
ship. I didn’t know what to do. At
first I thought I couldn’t go. But
the man was waiting
“Man!” cried Emmy. “What man?”
“The chauffeur.”
Emmy’s face changed. Her whole manner changed.
She was outraged.
“Jenny! Is he that
sort! Oh, I warned you.... There’s
never any good in it. He’ll do you no good.”
“He’s a captain of a little
yacht. He’s not what you think,” Jenny
protested, very pale, her heart sinking under such
a rebuke, under such knowledge as she alone possessed.
“Still, to go to him!”
Emmy was returned to that aspect of the affair.
“And leave Pa!”
“I know. I know,”
Jenny cried. She was no longer protective.
She was herself in need of comfort. “But
I had to go. You’d have gone yourself!”
She met Emmy’s gaze steadily, but without defiance.
“No I shouldn’t!”
It was Emmy who became defiant. Emmy’s jealousy
was again awake. “However much I wanted
to go. I should have stayed.”
“And lost him!” Jenny cried.
“Are you sure of him now?” asked Emmy
swiftly. “If he’s gone again.”
With her cheeks crimson, Jenny turned upon her sister.
“Yes, I’m sure of him.
And I love him. I love him as much as you love
Alf.” She had the impulse, almost irresistible,
to add “More!” but she restrained her
tongue just in time. That was a possibility Emmy
could never admit. It was only that they were
different.
“But to leave Pa!” Emmy’s
bewildered mind went back to what was the real difficulty.
Jenny protested.
“He was in bed. I thought
he’d be safe. He was tucked up. Supposing
I hadn’t gone. Supposing I’d gone
up to bed an hour ago. Still he’d have
done the same.”
“You know he wouldn’t,”
Emmy said, very quietly. Jenny felt a wave of
hysteria pass through her. It died down.
She held herself very firmly. It was true.
She knew that she was only defending herself.
“I don’t know,”
she said, in a false, aggrieved voice. “How
do I know?”
“You do. He knew you were
out. He very likely woke up and felt frightened.”
“Felt thirsty, more like it!” Jenny exclaimed.
“Well, you did wrong,”
Emmy said. “However you like to put it to
yourself, you did wrong.”
“I always manage to. Don’t
I!” Jenny’s speech still was without defiance.
She was humble. “It’s a funny thing;
but it’s true....”
“You always want to go your own way,”
Emmy reproved.
“Oh, I don’t think that’s
wrong!” hastily said Jenny. “Why should
you go anybody else’s way?”
“I don’t know,” admitted Emmy.
“But it’s safer.”
“Whose way do you go?”
Jenny had stumbled upon a question so unanswerable
that she was at liberty to answer it for herself.
“I don’t know whose way you go now; but
I do know whose way you’ll go soon. You’ll
go Alf’s way.”
“Well?” demanded Emmy. “If
it’s a good way?”
“Well, I go Keith’s way!”
Jenny answered, in a fine glow. “And he
goes mine.”
Emmy looked at her, shaking her head
in a kind of narrow wisdom.
“Not if he sends a chauffeur,”
she said slowly. “Not that sort of man.”
v
For a moment Jenny’s heart burned
with indignation. Then it turned cold. If
Emmy were right! Supposing just supposing....
Savagely she thrust doubt of Keith from her:
her trust in him was forced by dread into still warmer
and louder proclamation.
“You don’t understand!”
she cried. “You couldn’t.
You’ve never seen him. Wait a minute!”
She went quickly out of the kitchen and up to her
bedroom. There, secretly kept from every eye,
was the little photograph of Keith. She brought
it down. In anxious triumph she showed it to Emmy.
Emmy’s three years’ seniority had never
been of so much account. “There,”
Jenny said. “That’s Keith. Look
at him!”
Emmy held the photograph under the
meagre light. She was astonished, although she
kept outwardly calm; because Keith besides
being obviously what is called a gentleman looked
honest and candid. She could not find fault with
the face.
“He’s very good-looking,”
she admitted, in a critical tone. “Very.”
“Not the sort of man you thought,”
emphasised Jenny, keenly elated at Emmy’s dilemma.
“Is he ... has he got any money?”
“Never asked him. No I
don’t think he has. It wasn’t his
chauffeur. A lord’s.”
“There! He knows lords....
Oh, Jenny!” Emmy’s tone was still one of
warning. “He won’t marry you.
I’m sure he won’t.”
“Yes he will,” Jenny said
confidently. But the excitement had shaken her,
and she was not the firm Jenny of custom. She
looked imploringly at Emmy. “Say you
believe it!” she begged. Emmy returned her
urgent gaze, and felt Jenny’s arm round her.
Their two faces were very close. “You’d
have done the same,” Jenny urged.
Something in her tone awakened a suspicion
in Emmy’s mind. She tried to see what lay
behind those glowing mysteries that were so close to
hers. Her own eyes were shining as if from an
inner brightness. The sisters, so unlike, so
inexpressibly contrary in every phase of their outlook,
in every small detail of their history, had this in
common that each, in her own manner, and
with the consequences drawn from differences of character
and aim, had spent happy hours with the man she loved.
What was to follow remained undetermined. But
Emmy’s heart was warmed with happiness:
she was for the first time filled only with impulses
of kindness and love for Jenny. She would blame
no more for Jenny’s desertion. It was just
enough, since the consequences of that desertion had
been remedied, to enhance Emmy’s sense of her
own superiority. There remained only the journey
taken by Jenny. She again took from her sister’s
hand the little photograph. Alf’s face seemed
to come between the photograph and her careful, poring
scrutiny, more the jealous scrutiny of a mother than
that of a sister.
“He’s rather thin",
Emmy ventured, dubiously. “What colour are
his eyes?”
“Blue. And his hair’s brown....
He’s lovely.”
“He looks nice,” Emmy said, relenting.
“He is nice. Em, dear.... Say
you’d have done the same!”
Emmy gave Jenny a great hug, kissing
her as if Jenny had been her little girl. To
Emmy the moment was without alloy. Her own future
assured, all else fell into the orderly picture which
made up her view of life. But she was not quite
calm, and it even surprised her to feel so much warmth
of love for Jenny. Still holding her sister, she
was conscious of a quick impulse that was both exulting
and pathetically shy.
“It’s funny us both being
happy at once. Isn’t it!” she whispered,
all sparkling.
vi
To herself Jenny groaned a sufficient retort.
“I don’t know that I’m
feeling so tremendously happy my own self,” she
thought. For the reaction had set in. She
was glad enough to bring about by various movements
their long-delayed bedward journey. She was beginning
to feel that her head and her heart were both aching,
and that any more confidences from Emmy would be unbearable.
And where Emmy had grown communicative since
Emmy had nothing to conceal Jenny had felt
more and more that her happiness was staled as thought
corroded it. By the time they turned out the
kitchen gas the clock pointed to twenty minutes past
two, and the darkest hour was already recorded.
In three more hours the sun would rise, and Jenny
knew that long before then she would see the sky greying
as though the successive veils of the transformation
were to reveal the crystal grotto. She preceded
Emmy up the stairs, carrying a candle and lighting
the way. At the top of the staircase Emmy would
find her own candle, and they would part. They
were now equally eager for the separation, Emmy because
she wanted to think over and over again the details
of her happiness, and to make plans for a kind of
life that was to open afresh in days that lay ahead.
Arrived at the landing the sisters did not pause or
kiss, but each looked and smiled seriously as she
entered her bedroom. With the closing of the
doors noise seemed to depart from the little house,
though Jenny heard Emmy moving in her room. The
house was in darkness. Emmy was gone; Pa lay
asleep in the dim light, his head bandaged and the
water slowly soaking into the towel protectively laid
upon his chest; in the kitchen the ailing clock ticked
away the night. Everything seemed at peace but
Jenny, who, when she had closed the door and set her
candle down, went quickly to the bed, sitting upon
its edge and looking straight before her with dark
and sober eyes.
She had much to think of. She
would never forgive herself now for leaving Pa.
It might have been a more serious accident that had
happened during her absence; she could even plead,
to Emmy, that the accident might have happened if
she had not left the house at all; but nothing her
quick brain could urge had really satisfied Jenny.
The stark fact remained that she had been there under
promise to tend Pa; and that she had failed in her
acknowledged trust. He might have died. If
he had died, she would have been to blame. Not
Pa! He couldn’t help himself! He was
driven by inner necessity to do things which he must
not be allowed to do. Jenny might have pleaded
the same justification. She had done so before
this. It had been a necessity to her to go to
Keith. As far as that went she did not question
the paramount power of impulse. Not will, but
the strongest craving, had led her. Jenny could
perhaps hardly discourse learnedly upon such things:
she must follow the dictates of her nature. But
she never accused Pa of responsibility. He was
an irresponsible. She had been left to look after
him. She had not stayed; and ill had befallen.
A bitter smile curved Jenny’s lips.
“I suppose they’d say
it was a punishment,” she whispered. “They’d
like to think it was.”
After that she stayed a long time
silent, swaying gently while her candle flickered,
her head full of a kind of formless musing. Then
she rose from the bed and took her candle so that
she could see her face in the small mirror upon the
dressing-table. The candle flickered still more
in the draught from the open window; and Jenny saw
her breath hang like a cloud before her. In the
mirror her face looked deadly pale; and her lips were
slightly drawn as if she were about to cry. Dark
shadows were upon her face, whether real or the work
of the feeble light she did not think to question.
She was looking straight at her own eyes, black with
the dilation of pupil, and somehow struck with the
horror which was her deepest emotion. Jenny was
speaking to the girl in the glass.
“I shouldn’t have thought
it of you,” she was saying. “You come
out of a respectable home and you do things like this.
Silly little fool, you are. Silly little fool.
Because you can’t stand his not loving you ...
you go and do that.” For a moment she stopped,
turning away, her lip bitten, her eyes veiled.
“Oh, but he does love me!” she breathed.
“Quite as much ... quite as much ... nearly
... nearly as much....” She sighed deeply,
standing lone in the centre of the room, her long,
thin shadow thrown upon the wall in front of her.
“And to leave Pa!” she was thinking, and
shaking her head. “That was wrong, when
I’d promised. I shall always know it was
wrong. I shall never be able to forget it as
long as I live. Not as long as I live. And
if I hadn’t gone, I’d never have seen
Keith again never! He’d have
gone off; and my heart would have broken. I should
have got older and older, and hated everybody.
Hated Pa, most likely. And now I just hate myself....
Oh, it’s so difficult!” She moved impatiently,
and at last went back to the mirror, not to look into
it but to remove the candle, to blow it out, and to
leave the room in darkness. This done, Jenny drew
up the blind, so that she could see the outlines of
the roofs opposite. It seemed to her that for
a long distance there was no sound at all: only
there, all the time, far behind all houses, somewhere
buried in the heart of London, there was the same
unintermittent low growl. It was always in her
ears, even at night, like a sleepless pulse, beating
steadily through the silences.
Jenny was not happy. Her heart
was cold. She continued to look from the window,
her face full of gravity. She was hearing again
Keith’s voice as he planned their future; but
she was not sanguine now. It all seemed too far
away, and so much had happened. So much had happened
that seemed as though it could never be realised,
never be a part of memory at all, so blank and sheer
did it now stand, pressing upon her like overwhelming
darkness. She thought again of the bridge, and
the striking hours; the knock, the letter, the hurried
ride; she remembered her supper and the argument with
Emmy; the argument with Alf; and her fleeting moods,
so many, so painful, during her time with Keith.
To love, to be loved: that was her sole commandment
of life how learned she knew not. To
love and to work she knew was the theory of Emmy.
But how different they were, how altogether unlike!
Emmy with Alf; Jenny with Keith....
“Yes, but she’s got what
she wants,” Jenny whispered in the darkness.
“That’s what she wants. It wouldn’t
do for me. Only in this world you’ve all
got to have one pattern, whether it suits you or not.
Else you’re not ‘right.’ ‘They’
don’t like it. And I’m outside ...
I’m a misfit. Eh, well: it’s
no good whimpering about it. What must be, must;
as they say!”
Soberly she moved from the window
and began to undress in the darkness, stopping every
now and then as if she were listening to that low humming
far beyond the houses, when the thought of unresting
life made her heart beat more quickly. Away there
upon the black running current of the river was Keith,
on that tiny yacht so open upon the treacherous sea
to every kind of danger. And nothing between
Keith and sudden, horrible death but that wooden hulk
and his own seamanship. She was Keith’s:
she belonged to him; but he did not belong to her.
To Keith she might, she would give all, as she had
done; but he would still be apart from her. He
might give his love, his care: but she knew that
her pride and her love must be the love and pride
to submit not Keith’s. Away from
him, released from the spell, Jenny knew that she
had yielded to him the freedom she so cherished as
her inalienable right. She had given him her
freedom. It was in his power. For her real
freedom was her innocence and her desire to do right.
It was not that she wanted to defy, so much as that
she could bear no shackles, and that she had no respect
for the belief that things should be done only because
they were always done, and for no other reason but
that of tradition. And she feared nothing but
her own merciless judgment.
It was not now that she dreaded Emmy’s
powerlessness to forgive her, or the opinion of anybody
else in the world. It was that she could not
forgive herself. Those who are strong enough to
live alone in the world, so long as they are young
and vigorous, have this rare faculty of self-judgment.
It is only when they are exhausted that they turn
elsewhere for judgment and pardon.
Jenny sat once again upon the bed.
“Oh Keith, my dearest....”
she began. “My Keith....” Her
thoughts flew swiftly to the yacht, to Keith.
With unforgettable pain she heard his voice ringing
in her ears, saw his clear eyes, as honest as the day,
looking straight into her own. Pain mingled with
love and pride; and battled there within her heart,
making a fine tumult of sensation; and Jenny felt
herself smiling in the darkness at such a conflict.
She even began very softly to laugh. But as if
the sound checked her and awoke the secret sadness
that the tumultuous sensations were trying to hide,
her courage suddenly gave way.
“Keith!” she gently called,
her voice barely audible. Only silence was there.
Keith was far away unreachable. Jenny
pressed her hands to her lips, that were trembling
uncontrollably. She rose, struggling for composure,
struggling to get back to the old way of looking at
everything. It seemed imperative that she should
do so. In a forlorn, quivering voice she ventured:
“What a life! Golly, what a life!”
But the effort to pretend that she
could still make fun of the events of the evening
was too great for Jenny. She threw herself upon
the bed, burying her face in the pillow.
“Keith ... oh Keith!...”