Read THE GOOP DIRECTORY of The Goop Directory, free online book, by Gelett Burgess, on ReadCentral.com.

INTRODUCTION

In this directory you’ll see
Just what you never ought to be;
And so, it should Direct your way
To Good Behavior, every day. 
The children of whose faults I tell
Are known by other names, as well,
So see that you aren’t in this group
Of Naughty Ones. Don’t be a Goop!

MARMADUKE ARGYLL

A Goop that always
    makes me smile
Is this one: 
    Marmaduke Argyll. 
His mouth is full
    from cheek to cheek,
Why should he then
    attempt to speak? 
It makes me smile,
    but still, the fact is,
It is a most
    unpleasant practice.

On the sidewalk
    Nancy Beal
Throws her old
    banana peel;
Throws her apple
    skin and cores,
Right in front
    of people’s doors! 
Isn’t that a
    shocking trick? 
Ask that Goop
    to stop it, quick!

MASTER BILDAD

A puppy, when he
    gets a bone,
Will keep it for
    himself alone. 
So Bildad would not
    share his toys
Or lend them to
    the other boys. 
He was a Goop;
    and so are you
If you are ever
    selfish, too!

PERCY BINGG

Percy Bingg,
    when he’s at play,
Is almost always
    in the way;
In the room,
    or in the street,
Always under
    people’s feet! 
Goops like that
    annoy me so!
You keep out
    the way, I know!

BETSY BIRCH

Look at little
    Betsy Birch,
Always whispering
    in church! 
Always playing
    with the books,
Never caring
    how she looks! 
Never knowing
    Goops like her
Ought to neither
    talk nor stir!

LEVI BOING

Are you a Goop,
    like Levi Boing? 
He never looks
    where he is going;
He’s always bumping
    into chairs,
And stumbling, when
    he goes upstairs;
He tips things over,
    bumps his nose. 
He can’t be careful,
    I suppose!

MARY C. C. CALL

Mary Carey
    Cory Call-
Hear her cry and
    hear her bawl! 
Hear her groan! 
    Hear her growl! 
Hear her moan!-
    Hear her howl! 
She’s the goopiest
    Goop of all,
Mary Carey
    Cory Call!

LITTLE CORALIE

Though Coralie
    was small and sweet,
She always, always
    had wet feet. 
She liked to walk
    through puddles; so,
She always had
    a cold, you know. 
But as you aren’t
    a Goop, you try
To keep your tootsies
    warm and dry.

ANDREW CROSSETT

Have you heard how
    Andrew Crossett
Meddled with the
    water-faucet? 
Letting water
    flood the sink? 
Andrew was
    a Goop, I think;
Otherwise he
    would have known
He should let
    such things alone!

ANNABELLA DAY

How slow is
    Annabella Day! 
She’s so reluctant
    to obey! 
She acts so sluggish
    and so sickly! 
Oh, Anna, why not
    do it quickly? 
Oh, Anna, do be
    prompt, and then,
No one will call
    you “Goop” again!

GWENDOLYN De V. De WITT

Miss Gwendolyn
    De Vere De Witt
Is having such
    a sulky fit! 
Because she couldn’t
    have her way
With other children
    at their play. 
A sulky Goop
    I really call
As bad as those
    who cry and bawl.

ADOLPHUS ELFINSTONE

Adolphus Elfinstone,
    of Nachez,
Thought it was fun
    to play with matches
Until the little Goop
    had learned
It hurt a lot
    when he got burned! 
A little fire
    is queer and curious;
But soon it grows
    quite big and furious.

AMANDA FISH

If there’s sugar
    in the dish,
Who will take it? 
    Mandy Fish? 
If there is a
    box of candy,
Just look out
    for little Mandy! 
She goops the fruit,
    and leaves the peeling-
She calls it fun;
    I call it stealing!

FREDERICK FISHER

Freddie Fisher
    fairly fussed
When he came
    to eat his crust! 
Often on the floor
    he’d throw it,
Hoping mother
    wouldn’t know it! 
Goops all hate
    to eat the crust;
If you’re told to,
    then you must!

EZRA HECHT

What in the world
    would you expect
Of a Goop whose name
    was Ezra Hecht? 
Of course he would
    refuse to heed
Or mind his mother-
    yes indeed! 
Of course he would. 
    Of course he did. 
But you must do
    what you are bid.

M. AND B. HOPPER

Mother always
    is distressed
If you fidget
    when you’re dressed. 
If you fidget
    like Miss Midget,
Hopper, or her
    sister Bridget. 
Goops like that
    are so much bother,
That they ought to
    dress each other!

AMANDA M. JAMES

Amanda Minnesinger
    James
She called her sister
    horrid names! 
She called her brother
    names, as well,
So bad I wouldn’t
    dare to tell! 
It’s shocking how
    a Goop will act! 
They have no manners,
    that’s a fact.

SUSIE KLEIN

When e’er I hear
    a puppy whine,
I always think
    of Susie Klein;
I think of how
    she hangs her head,
She doesn’t speak-
    she whines, instead! 
Don’t whine!  If you
    don’t speak right out,
You are a Goop,
    without a doubt!

ROBERTO LEES

How thoughtless was
    Roberto Lees! 
(For only thoughtless
    children tease). 
He teased the little
    pussy cat,
He teased the puppy! 
    Think of that! 
He even teased
    his sister, too! 
I think he was
    a Goop-don’t you?

ANNIE A. LeGRAND

The queerest Goop
    in all the land
Was Annie Annabelle
    LeGrand;
She often said
    what wasn’t true-
Which is an awful
    thing to do! 
But we are honest,
    you and I,
We think it’s wrong
    to tell a lie!

MISS MACKADOO

This is a Goop-
    Miss Mackadoo;
She never speaks
    when spoken to. 
When spoken to,
    she turns her eyes,
And never answers
    or replies. 
She hangs her head
    and sucks her thumb-
You’d think that she
    was deaf and dumb!

ISABEL McCLUNG

Do you ever
    stick your tongue
Out, like
    Isabel McClung? 
No one but
    a Goop would show
Rudeness such as that,
    I know! 
If you’re good,
    take my advice;
Please don’t do it! 
    ’Tisn’t nice.

ALEXANDER B. McGIFF

Young Alexander
    B. McGiff
Each day had a
    clean handkerchief. 
In spite of this,
    if you’ll believe,
He wiped his nose
    upon his sleeve! 
Nobody but a Goop
    would do it;
His mother’d scold him,
    if she knew it.

ELIAS E. McGUFF

Elias Ethelbert
    McGuff,
Oh, he was rude
    and he was rough! 
He used to pinch,
    he used to poke,
And called his rudeness
    just a joke. 
What made him plague
    his playmates so? 
He was a Goop
    and didn’t know!

SOLOMON McKIM

I wonder if
    you ever meet
The Goop who always
    scuffs his feet? 
He makes them drag
    along the floor
As if they weighed
    a ton or more. 
Just think of
    Solomon McKim,
And don’t be slovenly
    like him!

JOHN D. PELL

When John D. Pell
    wants something done,
D’you think he asks
    of anyone? 
Oh, no!  He orders
    someone to,
With “Get my hat!”
    or, “Tie my shoe!”
The Goops all say
    rude things like these,
But you, of course,
    say, “If you please!”

ESAU POUND

When you’re finished
    with your play,
Do you put
    your toys away? 
Do you put
    away your hat,
And your coat,
    and things like that? 
Or, are you
    like Esau Pound? 
He’s the Goop
    who leaves things ’round!

ELIZA PUDDINGFOOT

If you should ask
    why Rosamund
Eliza Puddingfoot
    was shunned,
I’d say, because
    she’d always cheat
In every game,
    so she could beat. 
Only a Goop
    would act that way
And be dishonest
    in her play.

AMELIA PRATT

“I won’t!” says young
    Amelia Pratt;
“I won’t do this!”
    “I won’t do that!”
Now isn’t “won’t”
    the naughtiest word
That anyone
    has ever heard? 
Now isn’t that
    the rudest way
A Goop could answer? 
    I should say!

JUMBO RAY

No children ever
    like to play
With such a Goop
    as Jumbo Ray. 
For he will snatch
    and grab the toys
Of all the little
    girls and boys. 
Though Jumbo loves
    to fuss and fight,
You know, of course,
    it isn’t right.

ANNIE F. R. RIFF

Annie Fanny
    Ruffle Riff;
Hear her snuffle! 
    Hear her sniff! 
Hear her sniffle! 
    Hear her snuff!-
See her-well,
    I’ve said enough.
You have seen her,
    I suppose,
The Goop who seldom
    blows her nose?

FELICIA ROPPS

Funny, how
    Felicia Ropps
Always handles
    things in shops! 
Always pinching,
    always poking,
Alwyas feeling,
    always stroking
Things she has
    no right to touch! 
Goops like that
    annoy me much!

PERCIVAL B. SLOOP

Just look at
    Percival B. Sloop,
A most unpleasant
    sort of Goop;
He pokes his fingers
    in his nose
And wipes his hands
    upon his clothes;
He does a lot
    of things that you,
I know, would never,
    never do!

SUSIE SMALT

“Oh,” says little
    Susie Smalt,
“It is someone
    else’s fault!”
She began it!”
    “She’s to blame!”
She’s the one that
    spoiled the game!”
So Goops always
    blame each other;
Do you own up
    your fault to Mother?

SPERRY SPROOKS

Have you ever
    chanced to look
At a torn and
    dirty book? 
At a book that’s
    ragged, soiled,
Inked and finger-
    marked and spoiled? 
Who has done it? 
    Sperry Sprooks! 
He’s the Goop
    that spoils the books!

URIAH STEAD

I never saw
    Uriah Stead
When he was glad
    to go to bed. 
There always was
    one thing to do
Before he could
    take off a shoe! 
The little Goop
    was always late;
I hope you don’t
    pro-cras-ti-nate!

ROSIE L. V. TROOD

Rosie Lily
    Violet Trood,
Always messes
    with her food;
Always plays with
    her potatoes,
Meat and gravy
    and tomatoes! 
Callers, who are
    asked to dine,
Knowing she’s
    a Goop, decline!