1 - THE PECULIAR HISTORY OF THE CHEWING-GUM MAN.

O Willie, an’ Wallie, an’ Huldy Ann, They went an’ built a big CHEWIN’-GUM MAN:  It was none o’ your teenty little dots, With pinhole eyes an’ pencil-spots; But this was a terribul big one-well, ’T was a’most as high as the Palace Hotel! It took ’em a year to chew the gum!! And Willie he done it all, ’cept some That Huldy got her ma to chew, By the time the head was ready to do.

Well, Willie he chewed it for days ‘n’ days; They brung it to him in gret big drays; An’ fast as he got it good an’ soft, Then Wallie he come and carried it oft.  Then he’d roll it into a gret big ball, An’ he made a-more’n a MILLION in all! Then Huldy Ann she spanked ’em flat An’ pinched an’ poked, an’ the like o’ that, Till she got it inter a gret big hunk- My! didn’t Huldy have the spunk!  And then she sliced one end half-way To make the laigs (’cause they never stay When you stick ’em on in a seprit piece- Seems like the ends was made o’ grease); And she slit an arm right up each side,- I couldn’t a done it if I’d a tried!  O’ course, her brothers they helped her, though, An’ rolled the arms an’ laigs out, so They all was smooth with roundin’ bends An’ chopped the fingers inter the ends!  An’ when their mother had chewn the head, She went an’ stuck it on, instead!

    An’ then, when the man was almost done,
    They had an awful lots o’ fun. 
    A-walkin’ down his stummick was best
    To make the buttons onter his vest! 
    They struck big cartwheels in him for eyes;
    His eyes was both tremendous size;
    His nose was a barrel-an’ then beneath
    They used a ladder, to make his teeth! 
    An’ when he was layin’ acrost the street
    Along come their daddy, as white ’s a sheet,-
    He was skeert half outer his wits, I guess,
    An’ he didn’t know whatter make o’ the mess,-
    But Huldy she up an’ begun to coax
    To have him down town, to skeer the folks! 
    So her dad he grabbed him offen the street,
    An’ Willie an’ Wallie they took his feet,
    An’ they dragged him clean down to the Cogswell fountain,
    An’ stood him up as big as a mountain! 
    You’d orter seen him a-standin’ there,
    A-straddlin’ Market street in the air!

    Well, he stood up straight for a week ‘n’ a half
    An’ the folks, Gee! didn’t they yell ‘n’ laff: 
    The boys clum up his laigs quite bold-
    The gum was so soft they got good hold;
    The cars run under him day an’ night,
    An’ the people come miles to see the sight! 
    Well, after he’d stayed as stiff ’s a post,
    With his head on top o’ the roofts almost,
    The sun come outer the fog one day
    An’-well, I guess you can see the way
    That gret big feller begun to melt;-
    Imagine how Willie and Wallie felt!
    For first he cocked his head out some,
    An’ when the heat got inter the gum
    He slowly waved his arms ahead
    An’ slanted forred, just like he was dead!

    An’ all day long he leaned an’ bent
    Till all expected he would have went
    An’ pitched right over.  They roped the street
    To keep the crowd away from his feet. 
    I tell yer he was a sight; my soul! 
    Twicet as high as a telegraft pole,
    Wavin’ his arms an’ slumpin’ his feet
    An’ a-starin’ away down Market street.

    Then, what did I tell yer-that blame old head
    Their mother had made a-seprit, instead,-
    It fell right off an’ squashed a horse! 
    (’T was so soft, it didn’t kill him, o’ course.)
    When his hands got so they touched the ground
    A hundred policemen they come around;
    They stuck a cable-car to his feet,
    An’ one to his head, a goin’ up street,
    An’ then they pulled him opposite ways,
    An’ they pulled him for days ‘n’ days ‘n’ days,
    An’ they drored him out so slim an’ small
    That he reached a mile ‘n’ a half, in all.

    An’ that was the end o’ the CHEWIN’-GUM MAN
    For Willie, an’ Wallie, an’ Huldy Ann. 
    They come along with an ax next day,
    An’ chopped him up, and guv him away.

  2-  My Feet they haul me ’round the House;
      They hoist me up the Stairs;
    I only have to steer them and
      They ride me everywheres.

 3-   I’d never dare to walk across
      A Bridge I could not see,
    For quite afraid of falling off
      I fear that I should be!

ADULT’S DEPARTMENT:

    Oh, Willie and Wallie and Pinkie Jane! 
    They run away with a Railroad Train! 
    ’T was Wallie got up the ridiculous plan,-
    ’T was most as good as the Chewin’-Gum Man! 
    Wallie is terribul funny-My! 
    He can make up a face that would make you die,
    An’ when Pinkie Jane come down to the city
    He tried to show off, for she’s awful pretty. 
    So they all went over across the Bay,
    To have a picnic, and spend the day. 
    At Sixteenth Street they got off the cars
    A-grinnin’ an’ giggling so,-My Stars! 
    A Enormus Crowd begun to collect,
    But nobuddy knew just what to expect. 
    Then up the track come a little spot,
    An’ nearer and nearer and NEARER it got,
    And Willie and Wallie and Pinkie Jane
    Stood right in the road of the Overland Train!!! 
    The folks on the platform begun to yell,
    “Look out!-get off!!” an’ the engine bell

4 - THE RUNAWAY TRAIN: 

    Was ringin’ like mad,-but them children stood
    As calm as if they was made of wood! 
    And a great big fat man yelled,-“Oh Golly! 
    For Heaven’s sakes, just look at Wallie!”
    As the train came thunderin’ down the rail,
    The wimmin all turned terribul pale. 
    But Wallie he stood there, stiff ’s a soldier,
    An’ then (you remember what I told yer)
    He made up a horribul face,-and whack! 
    He SCARED THE ENGINE RIGHT OFF’N THE TRACK! 
    An’ the train jumped forreds an’ squirmed around,
    A-wrigglin’ an’ jigglin’ over the ground;
    And all the people they had to git,
    For the blame old engine it had a fit! 
    But when the train got onto the track,
    Them children they clum right onto its back,
    And they tickled it so that all to once
    It gave ’em a lot of shivers an’ grunts,
    And it humped itself way up in the air,
    And p’raps it didn’t give them a scare!

AN IMPOSSIBLE EPIC: 

    Then it puffed an’ puffed, a-faster an’ faster,
    While Wallie sat there like an old school-master,
    A-drivin’ that train till, I tell you what! 
    You no idea what a nerve he’s got! 
    Willie he held on to Wallie, an’ Jane
    Held onto Willie with might and main. 
    Then they hitched along, like an old inch-worm,
    With now a spazzum, and then a squirm;
    But Willie and Wallie and Pinkie Jane,
    They soon got sick o’ that Railroad train! 
    But when they crawled to the last end car
    To jump on the ground, where it wasn’t far,
    They got a heap worse off, instead,
    For that nasty train, it stood on its head! 
    An’ they all yelled, “Telegraft Huldy Ann,
    And make her come as quick as she can. 
    We can’t get off.  Oh, hurry up, please! 
    What would we do if the thing should sneeze?”

SEQUEL TO THE CHEWING-GUM MAN

    I tell yer them children was in a fix
    While that mad engine was doin’ his tricks. 
    But the messenger-boy found Huldy Ann,
    An’ she said, “I’m glad that I ain’t a man! 
    I’ll show ’em how!” an’ she crossed the Bay,
    An’ she see in a wink where the trouble lay. 
    An’ she said, “You go, an’ you telegraft back
    For a load o’ candy to block the track!”
    An’ when they sent it, she piled it high
    With chocolate caramels, good ones,-My! 
    Peppermint drops and cocoanut cream,
    Till it looked too good for a Christmas dream! 
    And the sun it melted and finished the job
    Into one great elegant sticky gob! 
    So the train run into it lickety-split,
    An’ the cow-catcher stuck, when the engine hit,-
    An’ the tail o’ the train flew up and threw
    Them children into that caramel goo! 
    They fell clear in,-way over their head,
    But Ann eat ’em out, an’ sent ’em to bed!

    5 - There is a Theory some deny,
      That Lamp Posts once were three foot high,
    And a Little Boy was terrible strong,
      And he stretched ’em out to ’leven foot long!

  6-   I picked some Leaves from off a Tree,
      And then I nearly Fainted: 
    For somehow it Astonished me
      To find they’d All been Painted!

   7- I never saw a PURPLE COW, I never HOPE to see one;
    But I can tell you, anyhow, I’d rather SEE than BE one!

    8 - My House is made of Graham Bread,
      Except the ceiling ’s made of White;
    Of Angel Cake I make my Bed;
      I eat my Pillow every night!

  9-  I’d rather have Fingers than Toes;
    I’d rather have Ears than a Nose;
        And as for my Hair,
        I’m glad it’s all there,
    I’ll be awfully sad when it goes!

  10-  Now you are what I call a GOOP! 
    A Co-tangent harmonious Loop
    You appear to be facing due South
    But O what have you done with your Mouth?

   11- Many People seem to Think
      Plaster o’ Paris good to Drink: 
    Though conducive unto Quiet
      I prefer another Diet!

12 -THE:FLYING:HOUSE

Written and Illustrated by GELETT:BURGESS

    O Willie an’ Wallie, you better believe,
    They had a circus on Christmas Eve
    With Huldy Ann an’ Pinkie Jane-
    The folks imagined they’d went insane! 
    Them twins had an awfully narrow shave-
    They nearly was killt, for they wouldn’t behave! 
    Huldy’s a winner!  She hatched the scheme
    On the day before Christmas; an’ that there team-
    That Willie an’ Wallie-they worked like mad-
    You’ve no idea what a time they had! 
    ’Twas the day before Christmas, at half-past three,
    When Huldy she up an’ she says, says she: 
    “You Willie an’ Wallie, you go in the yard
    An’ get that windmill-it won’t be hard-
    An’ bring it an’ put it on top of the house,
    An’ don’t make no more noise than a mouse! 
    ’For I know something I won’t tell,
    Nine little niggers in a peanut shell!’”
    Well, the twins they knew when she said that,
    Huldy wa’ n’t talkin’ much through her hat. 
    So they worked an’ they tugged for more ’n an hour,
    ’Till they got that windmill off’n the tower;
    An’ they hauled it up to the roof with ropes,
    Way on the ridgepole, ’tween the slopes.

    They was almost dead, it tired ’em so,
    An’ Will druv a splinter into his toe! 
    An’ all this time both Pinkie Jane
    An’ Huldy was workin’ with might an’ main,
    A-shuttin’ the doors, an’ the windows too,
    An’ stoppin’ up cracks where the leaks come through. 
    An’ when it was tight, she slipped inside
    An’ turned the gas on good an’ wide! 
    An’ she screamed, “Look out that you don’t get smothered: 
    Climb up on the roof where I won’t be bothered!”

    When the house filled up with the gas inside,
    It trembled an’ jiggled from side to side;
    An’ when the gas filled it good an’ full
    The olé foundations began to pull;
    Then Huldy she pushed it a little mite,
    An’ the house riz up in the air all right! 
    An’ it riz an’ riz like a olé balloon. 
    An’ Ann got aboard of it none too soon;
    For it flew away off up into the sky
    With her holdin’ on by her hands-Oh my! 
    But she clum on top, an’ you’d oughter have seen
    Them workin’ that wheel like a flyin’ machine! 
    Well, after they’d flew an hour or so
    They came to a mountain all covered with snow,
    An’ there on the top they happened to see
    A enermous great big Christmas tree! 
    Then Huldy steered ’em over the top,
    An’ they let down an anchor to make ’em stop;
    An’ Willie an’ Wallie they yelled with glee,
    An’ jumped right into that Christmas tree! 
    They let down a ladder for them two girls
    That didn’t darst jump for spoilin’ their curls! 
    They was toys an’ games an’ wagons an’ dolls,
    All trimmed with tinsel an’ fol-de-rols! 
    For Santa Claus had just drove away,
    An’ Wallie he said that he seen the sleigh! 
    Well, when they’d eat all the candy they could,
    They loaded their house with things up good. 
    (But they hurried for fear that the old man’d come back
    An’ catch ’em an’ give ’em a larrupin’ whack!)
    Then they got on the roof, an’ they cut the string
    An’ away they flew like everything!

    The twins worked the wheel an’ Huldy steered,
    An’ Pinkie clung tight-she was awfully skeered: 
    They got back home at half-past six,
    But, oh! they got into a nawful fix! 
    For just as they sunk the house gave a lurch
    An’ they landed right on top of a church! 
    An’ they punched a hole through the roof with the steeple,
    To the great amazement of all of the people! 
    An’ the toys fell out of that house in the air,
    An’ all the children in the town was there. 
    So every one got a present again
    ‘Cept Willie an’ Wallie an’ Huldy an’ Jane-
    An’ it served ’em right, don’t you think? because
    They’d stolen the presents from Santa Clause.

  13-  Once there was a GIANT HORSE,
      That walked through all the Town,
    A-stepping into all the Roofs,
      And Smashing Houses down!

14 -WHAT:SMITH:TRIED:TO:BELIEVE refused by ST NICHOLAS, BIBELOT, NEW:REVIEW, POLYNESIAN:MONITOR and SAN FRANCISCO:CLIMAX

Well, I come home late that night, near one o’clock, I reckon, and I undressed in the dark as per usual.  When I gut into bed I thot it felt as tho sumbuddy hed bin there, and when I kicked out my leg sure enough there was sumbuddy there.  Well, I thot Rats, what’s the difference; I’ll go to sleep, it’s only a man.  But I kinder could’nt sleep, so I got up and lit a cigaroot, and I saw the feller that was in bed with me wos dead.  Well, I thot Rats, what’s the difference, he wont git over to my side of the bed anyway; so I turned over and went to sleep.  Well, I fired my cigaroot in ther paper-basket and went to sleep.  Well, after a while I thot I smealed smoke, and it wasn’t cigaroot smoke, but the basket was all afire, and burning like a editor’s soul after death.  Well, I thot Rats, what’s the difference.  Well, it looked so bright and comfortable I thot I’d get up and read.  By this time one corner of the room was goin’ like 4 o’clock, and it was nice and warm.  After I’d read about ten minits, it got so hot I cuddent stand it, and I got up and went into ther next room.  Well, I thot Rats, what’s the difference.  Well, in about a hour there was a big crowd outside of the house, and they was all yellin’ Fire to beat the band.  I looked out er winder.  Jump, says the fireman, and I jumped.  Then I walked off, and a feller says, says he, “You blame fool, you’ve bruk yer leg.”  Well, I thot Rats, what’s the difference?

   15 - The Towel hangs upon the Wall,
      And, somehow, I don’t care at all!

The Door is open;-I must say
I rather fancy it that Way!

16- ,llaW eht nopu sgnah lewoT ehT
!lla ta erac t’nod I, wohemos,dnA

yas tsum I-;nepo si rooD ehT
!yaW taht ti ycnaf rehtar I

17 -THE SOLES OF THE UNFORTUNATES.

Likkery had but one leg when I married him. I did not realize what this meant {it meant 41 right-foot shoes [for he was extravagant (and I was economical) to a degree] in his dressing closet} until he died.

                                {I could not bear to throw
                                {them away.
                                {
                                {The clerks asserted that all
                                {their one-legged right-footed
 I could not get rid of them {customers wore
                                {large sizes.
                                {
                                {There were not weddings
                                {enough to throw them all
                                {after the carriages.

Chapter II.

My second marriage WOULD have been happy, but my husband met with a distressing accident, which necessitated an amputation ^{of his right leg} of his wrong leg.  So the collection increased.

In spite of all my precautions, Mr. Silk’s shoes would often be left pointing toward the bed. How I suffered!  At last Mr. Silk died.  The day after the funeral, I made a procession of all the shoes-

 ORDER: 
   1.  Patent leathers
   2.  Brogans
   3.  Bluchers (small)
   4.  Bluchers (large)
   5.  Tan shoes
   6.  Slippers (carpet)
   7.  Congresses
   8.  Riding boots
   9.  Pumps

Sixty-two right-foot shoes, ^{toe to heel,} they reached from my bedroom to the stairs.

I was in despair when a small-footed man named Box proposed to me.  I looked at his feet and accepted him. (I was sure the shoes would fit.)

As soon as he was asleep I approached his prostrate form (my axe was sharp {I ground it myself} and my mind was set).

Sixty-two soles inspired me. I struck the blow!-Then the HORROR of my deed seized me.  The rest is too awful!

18 - Ah, yes, I wrote the Purple Cow
Im Sorry, now, I wrote it;

But I can tell you Anyhow
Ill Kill you if you Quote it!