“The human nature unto which I felt
That I belonged, and reverenced with love,
Was not a punctual presence, but a spirit
Diffused through time and space, with aid derived
Of evidence from monuments, erect,
Prostrate, or leaning toward their common rest
In earth, the widely scattered wreck sublime
Of vanished nations.”
WORDSWORTH:
The Prelude.
Sir Hugo carried out his plan of spending
part of the autumn at Diplow, and by the beginning
of October his presence was spreading some cheerfulness
in the neighborhood, among all ranks and persons concerned,
from the stately home of Brackenshaw and Quetcham to
the respectable shop-parlors in Wanchester. For
Sir Hugo was a man who liked to show himself and be
affable, a Liberal of good lineage, who confided entirely
in reform as not likely to make any serious difference
in English habits of feeling, one of which undoubtedly
is the liking to behold society well fenced and adorned
with hereditary rank. Hence he made Diplow a
most agreeable house, extending his invitations to
old Wanchester solicitors and young village curates,
but also taking some care in the combination of the
guests, and not feeding all the common poultry together,
so that they should think their meal no particular
compliment. Easy-going Lord Brackenshaw, for example,
would not mind meeting Robinson the attorney, but Robinson
would have been naturally piqued if he had been asked
to meet a set of people who passed for his equals.
On all these points Sir Hugo was well informed enough
at once to gain popularity for himself and give pleasure
to others two results which eminently suited
his disposition. The rector of Pennicote now
found a reception at Diplow very different from the
haughty tolerance he had undergone during the reign
of Grandcourt. It was not that the baronet liked
Mr. Gascoigne; it was that he desired to keep up a
marked relation of friendliness with him on account
of Mrs. Grandcourt, for whom Sir Hugo’s chivalry
had become more and more engaged. Why? The
chief reason was one that he could not fully communicate,
even to Lady Mallinger for he would not
tell what he thought one woman’s secret to another,
even though the other was his wife which
shows that his chivalry included a rare reticence.
Deronda, after he had become engaged
to Mirah, felt it right to make a full statement of
his position and purposes to Sir Hugo, and he chose
to make it by letter. He had more than a presentiment
that his fatherly friend would feel some dissatisfaction,
if not pain, at this turn of his destiny. In
reading unwelcome news, instead of hearing it, there
is the advantage that one avoids a hasty expression
of impatience which may afterward be repented of.
Deronda dreaded that verbal collision which makes
otherwise pardonable feeling lastingly offensive.
And Sir Hugo, though not altogether
surprised, was thoroughly vexed. His immediate
resource was to take the letter to Lady Mallinger,
who would be sure to express an astonishment which
her husband could argue against as unreasonable, and
in this way divide the stress of his discontent.
And in fact when she showed herself astonished and
distressed that all Daniel’s wonderful talents,
and the comfort of having him in the house, should
have ended in his going mad in this way about the
Jews, the baronet could say
“Oh, nonsense, my dear! depend
upon it, Dan will not make a fool of himself.
He has large notions about Judaism political
views which you can’t understand. No fear
but Dan will keep himself head uppermost.”
But with regard to the prospective
marriage she afforded him no counter-irritant.
The gentle lady observed, without rancor, that she
had little dreamed of what was coming when she had
Mirah to sing at her musical party and give lessons
to Amabel. After some hesitation, indeed, she
confessed it had passed through her mind that
after a proper time Daniel might marry Mrs. Grandcourt because
it seemed so remarkable that he should be at Genoa
just at that time and although she herself
was not fond of widows she could not help thinking
that such a marriage would have been better than his
going altogether with the Jews. But Sir Hugo
was so strongly of the same opinion that he could
not correct it as a feminine mistake; and his ill-humor
at the disproof of his disagreeable conclusions on
behalf of Gwendolen was left without vent. He
desired Lady Mallinger not to breathe a word about
the affair till further notice, saying to himself,
“If it is an unkind cut to the poor thing (meaning
Gwendolen), the longer she is without knowing it the
better, in her present nervous state. And she
will best learn it from Dan himself.” Sir
Hugo’s conjectures had worked so industriously
with his knowledge, that he fancied himself well informed
concerning the whole situation.
Meanwhile his residence with his family
at Diplow enabled him to continue his fatherly attentions
to Gwendolen; and in these Lady Mallinger, notwithstanding
her small liking for widows, was quite willing to
second him.
The plan of removal to Offendene had
been carried out; and Gwendolen, in settling there,
maintained a calm beyond her mother’s hopes.
She was experiencing some of that peaceful melancholy
which comes from the renunciation of demands for self,
and from taking the ordinary good of existence, and
especially kindness, even from a dog, as a gift above
expectation. Does one who has been all but lost
in a pit of darkness complain of the sweet air and
the daylight? There is a way of looking at our
life daily as an escape, and taking the quiet return
of morn and evening still more the star-like
out-glowing of some pure fellow-feeling, some generous
impulse breaking our inward darkness as
a salvation that reconciles us to hardship. Those
who have a self-knowledge prompting such self-accusation
as Hamlet’s, can understand this habitual feeling
of rescue. And it was felt by Gwendolen as she
lived through and through again the terrible history
of her temptations, from their first form of illusory
self-pleasing when she struggled away from the hold
of conscience, to their latest form of an urgent hatred
dragging her toward its satisfaction, while she prayed
and cried for the help of that conscience which she
had once forsaken. She was now dwelling on every
word of Deronda’s that pointed to her past deliverance
from the worst evil in herself, and the worst infliction
of it on others, and on every word that carried a force
to resist self-despair.
But she was also upborne by the prospect
of soon seeing him again: she did not imagine
him otherwise than always within her reach, her supreme
need of him blinding her to the separateness of his
life, the whole scene of which she filled with his
relation to her no unique preoccupation
of Gwendolen’s, for we are all apt to fall into
this passionate egoism of imagination, not only toward
our fellow-men, but toward God. And the future
which she turned her face to with a willing step was
one where she would be continually assimilating herself
to some type that he would hold before her. Had
he not first risen on her vision as a corrective presence
which she had recognized in the beginning with resentment,
and at last with entire love and trust? She could
not spontaneously think of an end to that reliance,
which had become to her imagination like the firmness
of the earth, the only condition of her walking.
And Deronda was not long before he
came to Diplow, which was a more convenient distance
from town than the Abbey. He had wished to carry
out a plan for taking Ezra and Mirah to a mild spot
on the coast, while he prepared another home which
Mirah might enter as his bride, and where they might
unitedly watch over her brother. But Ezra begged
not to be removed, unless it were to go with them
to the East. All outward solicitations were becoming
more and more of a burden to him; but his mind dwelt
on the possibility of this voyage with a visionary
joy. Deronda, in his preparations for the marriage,
which he hoped might not be deferred beyond a couple
of months, wished to have fuller consultation as to
his resources and affairs generally with Sir Hugo,
and here was a reason for not delaying his visit to
Diplow. But he thought quite as much of another
reason his promise to Gwendolen. The
sense of blessedness in his own lot had yet an aching
anxiety at his heart: this may be held paradoxical,
for the beloved lover is always called happy, and
happiness is considered as a well-fleshed indifference
to sorrow outside it. But human experience is
usually paradoxical, if that means incongruous with
the phrases of current talk or even current philosophy.
It was no treason to Mirah, but a part of that full
nature which made his love for her the more worthy,
that his joy in her could hold by its side the care
for another. For what is love itself, for the
one we love best? an enfolding of immeasurable
cares which yet are better than any joys outside our
love.
Deronda came twice to Diplow, and
saw Gwendolen twice and yet he went back
to town without having told her anything about the
change in his lot and prospects. He blamed himself;
but in all momentous communication likely to give
pain we feel dependent on some preparatory turn of
words or associations, some agreement of the other’s
mood with the probable effect of what we have to impart.
In the first interview Gwendolen was so absorbed in
what she had to say to him, so full of questions which
he must answer, about the arrangement of her life,
what she could do to make herself less ignorant, how
she could be kindest to everybody, and make amends
for her selfishness and try to be rid of it, that
Deronda utterly shrank from waiving her immediate wants
in order to speak of himself, nay, from inflicting
a wound on her in these moments when she was leaning
on him for help in her path. In the second interview,
when he went with new resolve to command the conversation
into some preparatory track, he found her in a state
of deep depression, overmastered by some distasteful
miserable memories which forced themselves on her
as something more real and ample than any new material
out of which she could mould her future. She cried
hysterically, and said that he would always despise
her. He could only seek words of soothing and
encouragement: and when she gradually revived
under them, with that pathetic look of renewed childlike
interest which we see in eyes where the lashes are
still beaded with tears, it was impossible to lay
another burden on her.
But time went on, and he felt it a
pressing duty to make the difficult disclosure.
Gwendolen, it was true, never recognized his having
any affairs; and it had never even occurred to her
to ask him why he happened to be at Genoa. But
this unconsciousness of hers would make a sudden revelation
of affairs that were determining his course in life
all the heavier blow to her; and if he left the revelation
to be made by different persons, she would feel that
he had treated her with cruel inconsiderateness.
He could not make the communication in writing:
his tenderness could not bear to think of her reading
his virtual farewell in solitude, and perhaps feeling
his words full of a hard gladness for himself and
indifference for her. He went down to Diplow again,
feeling that every other peril was to be incurred
rather than that of returning and leaving her still
in ignorance.
On this third visit Deronda found
Hans Meyrick installed with his easel at Diplow, beginning
his picture of the three daughters sitting on a bank,
“in the Gainsborough style,” and varying
his work by rambling to Pennicote to sketch the village
children and improve his acquaintance with the Gascoignes.
Hans appeared to have recovered his vivacity, but
Deronda detected some feigning in it, as we detect
the artificiality of a lady’s bloom from its
being a little too high-toned and steadily persistent
(a “Fluctuating Rouge” not having yet appeared
among the advertisements). Also with all his
grateful friendship and admiration for Deronda, Hans
could not help a certain irritation against him, such
as extremely incautious, open natures are apt to feel
when the breaking of a friend’s reserve discloses
a state of things not merely unsuspected but the reverse
of what had been hoped and ingeniously conjectured.
It is true that poor Hans had always cared chiefly
to confide in Deronda, and had been quite incurious
as to any confidence that might have been given in
return; but what outpourer of his own affairs is not
tempted to think any hint of his friend’s affairs
is an egotistic irrelevance? That was no reason
why it was not rather a sore reflection to Hans that
while he had been all along naively opening his heart
about Mirah, Deronda had kept secret a feeling of rivalry
which now revealed itself as the important determining
fact. Moreover, it is always at their peril that
our friends turn out to be something more than we
were aware of. Hans must be excused for these
promptings of bruised sensibility, since he had not
allowed them to govern his substantial conduct:
he had the consciousness of having done right by his
fortunate friend; or, as he told himself, “his
metal had given a better ring than he would have sworn
to beforehand.” For Hans had always said
that in point of virtue he was a dilettante:
which meant that he was very fond of it in other people,
but if he meddled with it himself he cut a poor figure.
Perhaps in reward of his good behavior he gave his
tongue the more freedom; and he was too fully possessed
by the notion of Deronda’s happiness to have
a conception of what he was feeling about Gwendolen,
so that he spoke of her without hesitation.
“When did you come down, Hans?”
said Deronda, joining him in the grounds where he
was making a study of the requisite bank and trees.
“Oh, ten days ago; before the
time Sir Hugo fixed. I ran down with Rex Gascoigne
and stayed at the rectory a day or two. I’m
up in all the gossip of these parts; I know the state
of the wheelwright’s interior, and have assisted
at an infant school examination. Sister Anna,
with the good upper lip, escorted me, else I should
have been mobbed by three urchins and an idiot, because
of my long hair and a general appearance which departs
from the Pennicote type of the beautiful. Altogether,
the village is idyllic. Its only fault is a dark
curate with broad shoulders and broad trousers who
ought to have gone into the heavy drapery line.
The Gascoignes are perfect besides being
related to the Vandyke duchess. I caught a glimpse
of her in her black robes at a distance, though she
doesn’t show to visitors.”
“She was not staying at the rectory?”
said Deronda.
“No; but I was taken to Offendene
to see the old house, and as a consequence I saw the
duchess’ family. I suppose you have been
there and know all about them?”
“Yes, I have been there,” said Deronda,
quietly.
“A fine old place. An excellent
setting for a widow with romantic fortunes. And
she seems to have had several romances. I think
I have found out that there was one between her and
my friend Rex.”
“Not long before her marriage,
then?” said Deronda, really interested, “for
they had only been a year at Offendene. How came
you to know anything of it?”
“Oh not ignorant
of what it is to be a miserable devil, I learn to
gloat on the signs of misery in others. I found
out that Rex never goes to Offendene, and has never
seen the duchess since she came back; and Miss Gascoigne
let fall something in our talk about charade-acting for
I went through some of my nonsense to please the young
ones something that proved to me that Rex
was once hovering about his fair cousin close enough
to get singed. I don’t know what was her
part in the affair. Perhaps the duke came in
and carried her off. That is always the way when
an exceptionally worthy young man forms an attachment.
I understand now why Gascoigne talks of making the
law his mistress and remaining a bachelor. But
these are green resolves. Since the duke did
not get himself drowned for your sake, it may turn
out to be for my friend Rex’s sake. Who
knows?”
“Is it absolutely necessary
that Mrs. Grandcourt should marry again?” said
Deronda, ready to add that Hans’s success in
constructing her fortunes hitherto had not been enough
to warrant a new attempt.
“You monster!” retorted
Hans, “do you want her to wear weeds for you
all her life burn herself in perpetual suttee
while you are alive and merry?”
Deronda could say nothing, but he
looked so much annoyed that Hans turned the current
of his chat, and when he was alone shrugged his shoulders
a little over the thought that there really had been
some stronger feeling between Deronda and the duchess
than Mirah would like to know of. “Why
didn’t she fall in love with me?” thought
Hans, laughing at himself. “She would have
had no rivals. No woman ever wanted to discuss
theology with me.”
No wonder that Deronda winced under
that sort of joking with a whip-lash. It touched
sensibilities that were already quivering with the
anticipation of witnessing some of that pain to which
even Hans’s light words seemed to give more
reality: any sort of recognition by another
giving emphasis to the subject of our anxiety.
And now he had come down with the firm resolve that
he would not again evade the trial. The next
day he rode to Offendene. He had sent word that
he intended to call and to ask if Gwendolen could
receive him; and he found her awaiting him in the
old drawing-room where some chief crises of her life
had happened. She seemed less sad than he had
seen her since her husband’s death; there was
no smile on her face, but a placid self-possession,
in contrast with the mood in which he had last found
her. She was all the more alive to the sadness
perceptible in Deronda; and they were no sooner seated he
at a little distance opposite to her than
she said:
“You were afraid of coming to
see me, because I was so full of grief and despair
the last time. But I am not so today. I have
been sorry ever since. I have been making it
a reason why I should keep up my hope and be as cheerful
as I can, because I would not give you any pain about
me.”
There was an unwonted sweetness in
Gwendolen’s tone and look as she uttered these
words that seemed to Deronda to infuse the utmost cruelty
into the task now laid upon him. But he felt obliged
to make his answer a beginning of the task.
“I am in some trouble
to-day,” he said, looking at her rather mournfully;
“but it is because I have things to tell you
which you will almost think it a want of confidence
on my part not to have spoken of before. They
are things affecting my own life my own
future. I shall seem to have made an ill return
to you for the trust you have placed in me never
to have given you an idea of events that make great
changes for me. But when we have been together
we have hardly had time to enter into subjects which
at the moment were really less pressing to me than
the trials you have been going through.”
There was a sort of timid tenderness in Deronda’s
deep tones, and he paused with a pleading look, as
if it had been Gwendolen only who had conferred anything
in her scenes of beseeching and confession.
A thrill of surprise was visible in
her. Such meaning as she found in his words had
shaken her, but without causing fear. Her mind
had flown at once to some change in his position with
regard to Sir Hugo and Sir Hugo’s property.
She said, with a sense of comfort from Deronda’s
way of asking her pardon
“You never thought of anything
but what you could do to help me; and I was so troublesome.
How could you tell me things?”
“It will perhaps astonish you,”
said Deronda, “that I have only quite lately
known who were my parents.”
Gwendolen was not astonished:
she felt the more assured that her expectations of
what was coming were right. Deronda went on without
check.
“The reason why you found me
in Italy was that I had gone there to learn that in
fact, to meet my mother. It was by her wish that
I was brought up in ignorance of my parentage.
She parted with me after my father’s death,
when I was a little creature. But she is now very
ill, and she felt that the secrecy ought not to be
any longer maintained. Her chief reason had been
that she did not wish me to know I was a Jew.”
“A Jew!” Gwendolen
exclaimed, in a low tone of amazement, with an utterly
frustrated look, as if some confusing potion were creeping
through her system.
Deronda colored, and did not speak,
while Gwendolen, with her eyes fixed on the floor,
was struggling to find her way in the dark by the
aid of various reminiscences. She seemed at last
to have arrived at some judgment, for she looked up
at Deronda again and said, as if remonstrating against
the mother’s conduct
“What difference need that have made?”
“It has made a great difference
to me that I have known it,” said Deronda, emphatically;
but he could not go on easily the distance
between her ideas and his acted like a difference of
native language, making him uncertain what force his
words would carry.
Gwendolen meditated again, and then
said feelingly, “I hope there is nothing to
make you mind. You are just the same as if you
were not a Jew.”
She meant to assure him that nothing
of that external sort could affect the way in which
she regarded him, or the way in which he could influence
her. Deronda was a little helped by this misunderstanding.
“The discovery was far from
being painful to me,” he said, “I had been
gradually prepared for it, and I was glad of it.
I had been prepared for it by becoming intimate with
a very remarkable Jew, whose ideas have attracted
me so much that I think of devoting the best part of
my life to some effort at giving them effect.”
Again Gwendolen seemed shaken again
there was a look of frustration, but this time it
was mingled with alarm. She looked at Deronda
with lips childishly parted. It was not that
she had yet connected his words with Mirah and her
brother, but that they had inspired her with a dreadful
presentiment of mountainous travel for her mind before
it could reach Deronda’s. Great ideas in
general which she had attributed to him seemed to
make no great practical difference, and were not formidable
in the same way as these mysteriously-shadowed particular
ideas. He could not quite divine what was going
on within her; he could only seek the least abrupt
path of disclosure.
“That is an object,” he
said, after a moment, “which will by-and-by
force me to leave England for some time for
some years. I have purposes which will take me
to the East.”
Here was something clearer, but all
the more immediately agitating. Gwendolen’s
lips began to tremble. “But you will come
back?” she said, tasting her own tears as they
fell, before she thought of drying them.
Deronda could not sit still.
He rose, and went to prop himself against the corner
of the mantel-piece, at a different angle from her
face. But when she had pressed her handkerchief
against her cheeks, she turned and looked up at him,
awaiting an answer.
“If I live,” said Deronda “some
time.”
They were both silent. He could
not persuade himself to say more unless she led up
to it by a question; and she was apparently meditating
something that she had to say.
“What are you going to do?”
she asked, at last, very mildly. “Can I
understand the ideas, or am I too ignorant?”
“I am going to the East to become
better acquainted with the condition of my race in
various countries there,” said Deronda, gently anxious
to be as explanatory as he could on what was the impersonal
part of their separateness from each other. “The
idea that I am possessed with is that of restoring
a political existence to my people, making them a
nation again, giving them a national center, such as
the English have, though they too are scattered over
the face of the globe. That is a task which presents
itself to me as a duty; I am resolved to begin it,
however feebly. I am resolved to devote my life
to it. At the least, I may awaken a movement
in other minds, such as has been awakened in my own.”
There was a long silence between them.
The world seemed getting larger round poor Gwendolen,
and she more solitary and helpless in the midst.
The thought that he might come back after going to
the East, sank before the bewildering vision of these
wild-stretching purposes in which she felt herself
reduced to a mere speck. There comes a terrible
moment to many souls when the great movements of the
world, the larger destinies of mankind, which have
lain aloof in newspapers and other neglected reading,
enter like an earthquake into their own lives where
the slow urgency of growing generations turns into
the tread of an invading army or the dire clash of
civil war, and gray fathers know nothing to seek for
but the corpses of their blooming sons, and girls
forget all vanity to make lint and bandages which may
serve for the shattered limbs of their betrothed husbands.
Then it is as if the Invisible Power that had been
the object of lip-worship and lip-resignation became
visible, according to the imagery of the Hebrew poet,
making the flames his chariot, and riding on the wings
of the wind, till the mountains smoke and the plains
shudder under the rolling fiery visitations.
Often the good cause seems to lie prostrate under
the thunder of relenting force, the martyrs live reviled,
they die, and no angel is seen holding forth the crown
and the palm branch. Then it is that the submission
of the soul to the Highest is tested, and even in
the eyes of frivolity life looks out from the scene
of human struggle with the awful face of duty, and
a religion shows itself which is something else than
a private consolation.
That was the sort of crisis which
was at this moment beginning in Gwendolen’s
small life: she was for the first time feeling
the pressure of a vast mysterious movement, for the
first time being dislodged from her supremacy in her
own world, and getting a sense that her horizon was
but a dipping onward of an existence with which her
own was revolving. All the troubles of her wifehood
and widowhood had still left her with the implicit
impression which had accompanied her from childhood,
that whatever surrounded her was somehow specially
for her, and it was because of this that no personal
jealousy had been roused in her relation to Deronda:
she could not spontaneously think of him as rightfully
belonging to others more than to her. But here
had come a shock which went deeper than personal jealousy something
spiritual and vaguely tremendous that thrust her away,
and yet quelled all her anger into self-humiliation.
There had been a long silence.
Deronda had stood still, even thankful for an interval
before he needed to say more, and Gwendolen had sat
like a statue with her wrists lying over each other
and her eyes fixed the intensity of her
mental action arresting all other excitation.
At length something occurred to her that made her turn
her face to Deronda and say in a trembling voice
“Is that all you can tell me?”
The question was like a dart to him.
“The Jew whom I mentioned just now,” he
answered, not without a certain tremor in his tones
too, “the remarkable man who has greatly influenced
my mind, has not perhaps been totally unheard of by
you. He is the brother of Miss Lapidoth, whom
you have often heard sing.”
A great wave of remembrance passed
through Gwendolen and spread as a deep, painful flush
over neck and face. It had come first at the scene
of that morning when she had called on Mirah, and heard
Deronda’s voice reading, and been told, without
then heeding it, that he was reading Hebrew with Mirah’s
brother.
“He is very ill very
near death now,” Deronda went on, nervously,
and then stopped short. He felt that he must
wait. Would she divine the rest?
“Did she tell you that I went
to her?” said Gwendolen, abruptly, looking up
at him.
“No,” said Deronda. “I don’t
understand you.”
She turned away her eyes again, and
sat thinking. Slowly the color dried out of face
and neck, and she was as pale as before with
that almost withered paleness which is seen after
a painful flush. At last she said without
turning toward him in a low, measured voice,
as if she were only thinking aloud in preparation
for future speech
“But can you marry?”
“Yes,” said Deronda, also in a low voice.
“I am going to marry.”
At first there was no change in Gwendolen’s
attitude: she only began to tremble visibly;
then she looked before her with dilated eyes, as at
something lying in front of her, till she stretched
her arms out straight, and cried with a smothered
voice
“I said I should be forsaken.
I have been a cruel woman. And I am forsaken.”
Deronda’s anguish was intolerable.
He could not help himself. He seized her outstretched
hands and held them together, and kneeled at her feet.
She was the victim of his happiness.
“I am cruel, too, I am cruel,”
he repeated, with a sort of groan, looking up at her
imploringly.
His presence and touch seemed to dispel
a horrible vision, and she met his upward look of
sorrow with something like the return of consciousness
after fainting. Then she dwelt on it with that
growing pathetic movement of the brow which accompanies
the revival of some tender recollection. The
look of sorrow brought back what seemed a very far-off
moment the first time she had ever seen
it, in the library at the Abbey. Sobs rose, and
great tears fell fast. Deronda would not let
her hands go held them still with one of
his, and himself pressed her handkerchief against
her eyes. She submitted like a half-soothed child,
making an effort to speak, which was hindered by struggling
sobs. At last she succeeded in saying, brokenly
“I said I said it
should be better better with me for
having known you.”
His eyes too were larger with tears.
She wrested one of her hands from his, and returned
his action, pressing his tears away.
“We shall not be quite parted,”
he said. “I will write to you always, when
I can, and you will answer?”
He waited till she said in a whisper, “I will
try.”
“I shall be more with you than
I used to be,” Deronda said with gentle urgency,
releasing her hands and rising from his kneeling posture.
“If we had been much together before, we should
have felt our differences more, and seemed to get
farther apart. Now we can perhaps never see each
other again. But our minds may get nearer.”
Gwendolen said nothing, but rose too,
automatically. Her withered look of grief, such
as the sun often shines on when the blinds are drawn
up after the burial of life’s joy, made him
hate his own words: they seemed to have the hardness
of easy consolation in them. She felt that he
was going, and that nothing could hinder it. The
sense of it was like a dreadful whisper in her ear,
which dulled all other consciousness; and she had
not known that she was rising.
Deronda could not speak again.
He thought that they must part in silence, but it
was difficult to move toward the parting, till she
looked at him with a sort of intention in her eyes,
which helped him. He advanced to put out his
hand silently, and when she had placed hers within
it, she said what her mind had been laboring with
“You have been very good to
me. I have deserved nothing. I will try try
to live. I shall think of you. What good
have I been? Only harm. Don’t let
me be harm to you. It shall be the better
for me ”
She could not finish. It was
not that she was sobbing, but that the intense effort
with which she spoke made her too tremulous. The
burden of that difficult rectitude toward him was
a weight her frame tottered under.
She bent forward to kiss his cheek,
and he kissed hers. Then they looked at each
other for an instant with clasped hands, and he turned
away.
When he was quite gone, her mother
came in and found her sitting motionless.
“Gwendolen, dearest, you look
very ill,” she said, bending over her and touching
her cold hands.
“Yes, mamma. But don’t
be afraid. I am going to live,” said Gwendolen,
bursting out hysterically.
Her mother persuaded her to go to
bed, and watched by her. Through the day and
half the night she fell continually into fits of shrieking,
but cried in the midst of them to her mother, “Don’t
be afraid. I shall live. I mean to live.”
After all, she slept; and when she
waked in the morning light, she looked up fixedly
at her mother and said tenderly, “Ah, poor mamma!
You have been sitting up with me. Don’t
be unhappy. I shall live. I shall be better.”