At last the day came, and with several trunks and boxes full of clothes, books, and pictures, I started, accompanied by an English valet, for Paris and Art.

We all know the great grey and melancholy Gare du Nord at half-past six in the morning; and the miserable carriages, and the tall, haggard city.  Pale, sloppy, yellow houses; an oppressive absence of colour; a peculiar bleakness in the streets.  The ménagère hurries down the asphalte to market; a dreadful garçon de café, with a napkin tied round his throat, moves about some chairs, so decrepit and so solitary that it seems impossible to imagine a human being sitting there.  Where are the Boulevards? where are the Champs Elysées?  I asked myself; and feeling bound to apologise for the appearance of the city, I explained to my valet that we were passing through some by-streets, and returned to the study of a French vocabulary.  Nevertheless, when the time came to formulate a demand for rooms, hot water, and a fire, I broke down, and the proprietress of the hotel, who spoke English, had to be sent for.

My plans, so far as I had any, were to enter the Beaux Arts ­Cabanel’s studio for preference; for I had then an intense and profound admiration for that painter’s work.  I did not think much of the application I was told I should have to make at the Embassy; my thoughts were fixed on the master, and my one desire was to see him.  To see him was easy, to speak to him was another matter, and I had to wait three weeks until I could hold a conversation in French.  How I achieved this feat I cannot say.  I never opened a book, I know, nor is it agreeable to think what my language must have been like ­like nothing ever heard under God’s sky before, probably.  It was, however, sufficient to waste a good hour of the painter’s time.  I told him of my artistic sympathies, what pictures I had seen of his in London, and how much pleased I was with those then in his studio.  He went through the ordeal without flinching.  He said he would be glad to have me as a pupil....

But life in the Beaux Arts is rough, coarse, and rowdy.  The model sits only three times a week:  the other days we worked from the plaster cast; and to be there by seven o’clock in the morning required so painful an effort of will, that I glanced in terror down the dim and grey perspective of early risings that awaited me; then, demoralised by the lassitude of Sunday, I told my valet on Monday morning to leave the room, that I would return to the Beaux Arts no more.  I felt humiliated at my own weakness, for much hope had been centred in that academy; and I knew no other.  Day after day I walked up and down the Boulevards, studying the photographs of the salon pictures, thinking of what my next move should be.  I had never forgotten my father showing me, one day when he was shaving, three photographs from pictures.  They were by an artist called Sèvres.  My father liked the slenderer figure, but I liked the corpulent ­the Venus standing at the corner of a wood, pouring wine into a goblet, while Cupid, from behind her satin-enveloped knees, drew his bow and shot the doves that flew from glistening poplar trees.  The beauty of this woman, and what her beauty must be in the life of the painter, had inspired many a reverie, and I had concluded ­this conclusion being of all others most sympathetic to me ­that she was his very beautiful mistress, that they lived in a picturesque pavilion in the midst of a shady garden full of birds and tall flowers.  I had often imagined her walking there at mid-day, dressed in white muslin with wide sleeves open to the elbow, scattering grain from a silver plate to the proud pigeons that strutted about her slippered feet and fluttered to her dove-like hand.  I had dreamed of seeing that woman as I rode racehorses on wild Irish plains, of being loved by her; in London I had dreamed of becoming Sevres’s pupil.

What coming and going, what inquiries, what difficulties arose!  At last I was advised to go to the Exposition aux Champs Elysée and seek his address in the catalogue.  I did so, and while the concierge copied out the address for me, I chased his tame magpie that hopped about one of the angles of the great building.  The reader smiles.  I was a childish boy of one-and-twenty who knew nothing, and to whom the world was astonishingly new.  Doubtless before my soul was given to me it had been plunged deep in Lethe, and so an almost virgin man I stood in front of a virgin world.

Engin is not far from Paris, and the French country seemed to me like a fairy-book.  Tall green poplars and green river banks, and a little lake reflecting the foliage and the stems of sapling oak and pine, just as in the pictures.  The driver pointed with his whip, and I saw a high garden wall shadowed with young trees, and a tall loose iron gate.  As I walked up the gravel path I looked for the beautiful mistress, who, dressed in muslin, with sleeves open at the elbow, should feed pigeons from a silver plate of Venus and the does.  M. Sèvres caught me looking at it; and hoping his mistress might appear I prolonged the conversation till a tardy sense of the value of his time forced me to bring it to a close; and as I passed down the green garden with him I scanned hopefully every nook, fancying I should see her reading, and that she would raise her eyes as I passed.

Looking back through the years it seems to me that I did catch sight of a white dress behind a trellis.  But that dress might have been his daughter’s, even his wife’s.  I only know that I did not discover M. Sevres’s mistress that day nor any other day.  I never saw him again.  Now the earth is over him, as Rossetti would say, and all the reveries that the photographs had inspired resulted in nothing, mere childish sensualities.

I returned to Engin with my taciturn valet; but he showed no enthusiasm on the subject of Engin.  I saw he was sighing after beef, beer and a wife, and was but little disposed to settle in this French suburb.  We were both very much alone in Paris.  In the evenings I allowed him to smoke his clay in my room, and in an astounding brogue he counselled me to return to my mother.  But I would not listen, and one day on the Boulevards I was stricken with the art of Jules Lefebvre.  True it is that I saw it was wanting in that tender grace which I am forced to admit even now, saturated though I now am with the æsthetics of different schools, is inherent in Cabanel’s work; but at the time I am writing of my nature was too young and mobile to resist the conventional attractiveness of nude figures, indolent attitudes, long hair, slender hips and hands, and I accepted Jules Lefebvre wholly and unconditionally.  He hesitated, however, when I asked to be taken as a private pupil, but he wrote out the address of a studio where he gave instruction every Tuesday morning.  This was even more to my taste, for I had an instinctive liking for Frenchmen, and was anxious to see as much of them as possible.

The studio was perched high up in the Passage des Panoramas.  There I found M. Julien, a typical meridional ­the large stomach, the dark eyes, crafty and watchful; the seductively mendacious manner, the sensual mind.  We made friends at once ­he consciously making use of me, I unconsciously making use of him.  To him my forty francs, a month’s subscription, were a godsend, nor were my invitations to dinner and to the theatre to be disdained.  I was curious, odd, quaint.  To be sure, it was a little tiresome to have to put up with a talkative person, whose knowledge of the French language had been acquired in three months, but the dinners were good.  No doubt Julien reasoned so; I did not reason at all.  I felt this crafty, clever man of the world was necessary to me.  I had never met such a man before, and all my curiosity was awake.  He spoke of art and literature, of the world and the flesh; he told me of the books he had read, he narrated thrilling incidents in his own life; and the moral reflections with which he sprinkled his conversation I thought very striking.  Like every young man of twenty, I was on the look-out for something to set up that would do duty for an ideal.  The world was to me, at this time, what a toy-shop had been fifteen years before:  everything was spick and span, and every illusion was set out straight and smart in new paint and gilding.  But Julien kept me at a distance, and the rare occasions when he favoured me with his society only served to prepare my mind for the friendship which awaited me, and which was destined to absorb some years of my life.

In the studio there were some eighteen or twenty young men, and among these there were some four or five from whom I could learn; there were also some eight or nine young English girls.  We sat round in a circle and drew from the model.  And this reversal of all the world’s opinions and prejudices was to me singularly delightful; I loved the sense of unreality that the exceptional nature of our life in this studio conveyed.  Besides, the women themselves were young and interesting, and were, therefore, one of the charms of the place, giving, as they did, that sense of sex which is so subtle a mental pleasure, and which is, in its outward aspect, so interesting to the eye ­the gowns, the hair lifted, showing the neck; the earrings, the sleeves open at the elbow.  Though all this was very dear to me I did not fall in love:  but he who escapes a woman’s dominion generally comes under the sway of some friend who ever exerts a strange attractiveness, and fosters a sort of dependency that is not healthful or valid:  and although I look back with undiminished delight on the friendship I contracted about this time ­a friendship which permeated and added to my life ­I am nevertheless forced to recognise that, however suitable it may have been in my special case, in the majority of instances it would have proved but a shipwrecking reef, on which a young man’s life would have gone to pieces.  What saved me was the intensity of my passion for Art, and a moral revolt against any action that I thought could or would definitely compromise me in that direction.  I was willing to stray a little from my path, but never further than a single step, which I could retrace when I pleased.  One day I raised my eyes, and saw there was a new-comer in the studio; and, to my surprise, for he was fashionably dressed, and my experience had not led me to believe in the marriage of genius and well-cut clothes, he was painting very well indeed.  His shoulders were beautiful and broad; a long neck, a tiny head, a narrow, thin face, and large eyes, full of intelligence and fascination.  And although he could not have been working more than an hour, he had already sketched in his figure, with all the surroundings ­screens, lamps, stoves, etc.  I was deeply interested.  I asked the young lady next me if she knew who he was.  She could give me no information.  But at four o’clock there was a general exodus from the studio, and we adjourned to a neighbouring café to drink beer.  The way led through a narrow passage, and as we stooped under an archway, the young man (Marshall was his name) spoke to me in English.  Yes, we had met before; we had exchanged a few words in So-and-So’s studio ­the great blonde man, whose Doré-like improvisations had awakened aspiration in me.

The usual reflections on the chances of life were of course made, and then followed the inevitable “Will you dine with me to-night?” Marshall thought the following day would suit him better, but I was very pressing.  He offered to meet me at my hotel; or would I come with him to his rooms, and he would show me some pictures ­some trifles he had brought up from the country?  Nothing would please me better.  We got into a cab.  Then every moment revealed new qualities, new superiorities, in my new-found friend.  Not only was he tall, strong, handsome, and beautifully dressed, infinitely better dressed than myself, but he could talk French like a native.  It was only natural that he should, for he was born in Brussels and had lived there all his life, but the accident of birth rather stimulated than calmed my erubescent admiration.  He spoke of, and he was clearly on familiar terms with, the fashionable restaurants and actresses; he stopped at a hairdresser’s to have his hair curled.  All this was very exciting, and a little bewildering.  I was on the tiptoe of expectation to see his apartments; and, not to be utterly outdone, I alluded to my valet.

His apartments were not so grand as I expected; but when he explained that he had just spent ten thousand pounds in two years, and was now living on six or seven hundred francs a month, which his mother would allow him until he had painted and had sold a certain series of pictures, which he contemplated beginning at once, my admiration increased to wonder, and I examined with awe the great fireplace which had been constructed at his orders, and admired the iron pot which hung by a chain above an artificial bivouac fire.  This detail will suggest the rest of the studio ­the Turkey carpet, the brass harem lamps, the Japanese screen, the pieces of drapery, the oak chairs covered with red Utrecht velvet, the oak wardrobe that had been picked up somewhere, ­a ridiculous bargain, and the inevitable bed with spiral columns.  There were vases filled with foreign grasses, and palms stood in the corners of the rooms.  Marshall pulled out a few pictures; but he paid very little heed to my compliments; and sitting down at the piano, with a great deal of splashing and dashing about the keys, he rattled off a waltz.

“What waltz is that?” I asked.

“Oh, nothing; something I composed the other evening.  I had a fit of the blues, and didn’t go out.  What do you think of it?”

“I think it beautiful; did you really compose that the other evening?”

At this moment a knock was heard at the door, and an English girl entered.  Marshall introduced me.  With looks that see nothing, and words that mean nothing, an amorous woman receives the man she finds with her sweetheart.  But it subsequently transpired that Alice had an appointment, that she was dining out.  She would, however, call in the morning and give him a sitting for the portrait he was painting of her.

I had hitherto worked very regularly and attentively at the studio, but now Marshall’s society was an attraction I could not resist.  For the sake of his talent, which I religiously believed in, I regretted he was so idle; but his dissipation was winning, and his delight was thorough, and his gay, dashing manner made me feel happy, and his experience opened to me new avenues for enjoyment and knowledge of life.  On my arrival in Paris I had visited, in the company of my taciturn valet, the Mabille and the Valentino, and I had dined at the Maison d’Or by myself; but now I was taken to strange students’ cafés, where dinners were paid for in pictures; to a mysterious place, where a table d’hôte was held under a tent in a back garden; and afterwards we went in great crowds to Bullier, the Château Rouge, or the Elysée Montmartre.  The clangour of the band, the unreal greenness of the foliage, the thronging of the dancers, and the chattering of women ­we only knew their Christian names.  And then the returning in open carriages rolling through the white dust beneath the immense heavy dome of the summer night, when the dusky darkness of the street is chequered by a passing glimpse of light skirt or flying feather, and the moon looms like a magic lantern out of the sky.

Now we seemed to live in fiacres and restaurants, and the afternoons were filled with febrile impressions.  Marshall had a friend in this street, and another in that.  It was only necessary for him to cry “Stop” to the coachman, and to run up two or three flights of stairs....

“Madame ­, est-elle chez elle?”

“Oui, Monsieur; si Monsieur veut se donner la peine d’entrer.” And we were shown into a handsomely-furnished apartment.  A lady would enter hurriedly, and an animated discussion was begun.  I did not know French sufficiently well to follow the conversation, but I remember it always commenced mon cher ami, and was plentifully sprinkled with the phrase vous avez tort.  The ladies themselves had only just returned from Constantinople or Japan, and they were generally involved in mysterious lawsuits, or were busily engaged in prosecuting claims for several millions of francs against different foreign governments.

And just as I had watched the chorus girls and mummers, three years ago, at the Globe Theatre, now, excited by a nervous curiosity, I watched this world of Parisian adventurers and lights-o’-love.  And this craving for observation of manners, this instinct for the rapid notation of gestures and words that epitomise a state of feeling, of attitudes that mirror forth the soul, declared itself a main passion; and it grew and strengthened, to the detriment of the other Art still so dear to me.  With the patience of a cat before a mouse-hole, I watched and listened, picking one characteristic phrase out of hours of vain chatter, interested and amused by an angry or loving glance.  Like the midges that fret the surface of a shadowy stream, these men and women seemed to me; and though I laughed, danced, and made merry with them, I was not of them.  But with Marshall it was different:  they were my amusement, they were his necessary pleasure.  And I knew of this distinction that made twain our lives; and I reflected deeply upon it.  Why could I not live without an ever-present and acute consciousness of life?  Why could I not love, forgetful of the harsh ticking of the clock in the perfumed silence of the chamber?

And so my friend became to me a study, a subject for dissection.  The general attitude of his mind and its various turns, all the apparent contradictions, and how they could be explained, classified, and reduced to one primary law, were to me a constant source of thought.  Our confidences knew no reserve.  I say our confidences, because to obtain confidences it is often necessary to confide.  All we saw, heard, read or felt was the subject of mutual confidences:  the transitory emotion that a flush of colour and a bit of perspective awakens, the blue tints that the summer sunset lends to a white dress, or the eternal verities, death and love.  But, although I tested every fibre of thought and analysed every motive, I was very sincere in my friendship and very loyal in my admiration.  Nor did my admiration wane when I discovered that Marshall was shallow in his appreciations, superficial in his judgments, that his talents did not pierce below the surface; il avait si grand air, there was fascination in his very bearing, in his large, soft, colourful eyes, and a go and dash in his dissipations that carried you away.

To any one observing us at this time it would have seemed that I was but a hanger-on, and a feeble imitator of Marshall.  I took him to my tailor’s, and he advised me on the cut of my coats; he showed me how to arrange my rooms, and I strove to copy his manner of speech and his general bearing; and yet I knew very well indeed that mine was a rarer and more original nature.  I was willing to learn, that was all.  There was much that Marshall could teach me, and I used him without shame, without stint.  I used him as I have used all those with whom I have been brought into close contact.  Search my memory as I will, I cannot recall a case of man or woman who ever occupied any considerable part of my thoughts without contributing largely towards my moral or physical welfare.  In other words, and in very colloquial language, I never had useless friends hanging about me.  From this crude statement of a signal fact, the thoughtless reader will at once judge me rapacious, egoistical, false, fawning, mendacious.  Well, I may be all this and more, but not because all who have known me have rendered me eminent services.  I can say that no one ever formed relationships in life with less design than myself.  Never have I given a thought to the advantage that might accrue from being on terms of friendship with this man and avoiding that one.  “Then how do you explain,” cries the angry reader, “that you have never had a friend by whom you did not profit?  You must have had very few friends.”  On the contrary, I have had many friends, and of all sorts and kinds ­men and women:  and, I repeat, none took part in my life who did not contribute something towards my well-being.  It must, of course, be understood that I make no distinction between mental and material help; and in my case the one has at all times been adjuvant to the other.  “Pooh, pooh!” again exclaims the reader; “I for one will not believe that chance has only sent across your way the people who were required to assist you.”  Chance! dear reader, is there such a thing as chance?  Do you believe in chance?  Do you attach any precise meaning to the word?  Do you employ it at haphazard, allowing it to mean what it may?  Chance!  What a field for psychical investigation is at once opened up; how we may tear to shreds our past lives in search of ­what?  Of the Chance that made us.  I think, reader, I can throw some light on the general question, by replying to your taunt:  Chance, or the conditions of life under which we live, sent, of course, thousands of creatures across my way who were powerless to benefit me; but then an instinct of which I knew nothing, of which I was not even conscious, withdrew me from them, and I was attracted to others.  Have you not seen a horse suddenly leave a corner of a field to seek pasturage further away?

Never could I interest myself in a book if it were not the exact diet my mind required at the time, or in the very immediate future.  The mind asked, received, and digested.  So much was assimilated, so much expelled; then, after a season, similar demands were made, the same processes were repeated out of sight, below consciousness, as is the case in a well-ordered stomach.  Shelley, who fired my youth with passion, and purified and upbore it for so long, is now to me as nothing:  not a dead or faded thing, but a thing out of which I personally have drawn all the sustenance I can draw from him; and, therefore, it (that part which I did not absorb) concerns me no more.  And the same with Gautier.  Mdlle. de Maupin, that godhead of flowing line, that desire not “of the moth for the star,” but for such perfection of arm and thigh as leaves passion breathless and fain of tears, is now, if I take up the book and read, weary and ragged as a spider’s web, that has hung the winter through in the dusty, forgotten corner of a forgotten room.  My old rapture and my youth’s delight I can regain only when I think of that part of Gautier which is now incarnate in me.

As I picked up books, so I picked up my friends.  I read friends and books with the same passion, with the same avidity; and as I discarded my books when I had assimilated as much of them as my system required, so I discarded my friends when they ceased to be of use to me.  I employ the word “use” in its fullest, not in its limited and twenty-shilling sense.  This parallel of the intellect to the blind unconsciousness of the lower organs will strike some as a violation of man’s best beliefs, and as saying very little for the particular intellect that can be so reduced.  But I am not sure these people are right.  I am inclined to think that as you ascend the scale of thought to the great minds, these unaccountable impulses, mysterious resolutions, sudden, but certain knowings, falling whence or how it is impossible to say, but falling somehow into the brain, instead of growing rarer, become more and more frequent; indeed, I think that if the really great man were to confess to the working of his mind, we should see him constantly besieged by inspirations...inspirations!  Ah! how human thought only turns in a circle, and how, when we think we are on the verge of a new thought, we slip into the enunciation of some time-worn truth.  But I say again, let general principles be waived; it will suffice for the interest of these pages if it be understood that brain instincts have always been, and still are, the initial and the determining powers of my being.