One day we spoke of crime and criminals.
We had discussed the possibility of a novel without
a villain, but had decided that it would be uninteresting.
“It is a terribly sad reflection,”
remarked MacShaughnassy, musingly; “but what
a desperately dull place this earth would be if it
were not for our friends the bad people. Do
you know,” he continued, “when I hear of
folks going about the world trying to reform everybody
and make them good, I get positively nervous.
Once do away with sin, and literature will become
a thing of the past. Without the criminal classes
we authors would starve.”
“I shouldn’t worry,”
replied Jephson, drily; “one half mankind has
been ‘reforming’ the other half pretty
steadily ever since the Creation, yet there appears
to be a fairly appreciable amount of human nature left
in it, notwithstanding. Suppressing sin is much
the same sort of task that suppressing a volcano would
be plugging one vent merely opens another.
Evil will last our time.”
“I cannot take your optimistic
view of the case,” answered MacShaughnassy.
“It seems to me that crime at all
events, interesting crime is being slowly
driven out of our existence. Pirates and highwaymen
have been practically abolished. Dear old ‘Smuggler
Bill’ has melted down his cutlass into a pint-can
with a false bottom. The pressgang that was
always so ready to rescue our hero from his approaching
marriage has been disbanded. There’s not
a lugger fit for the purposes of abduction left upon
the coast. Men settle their ’affairs of
honour’ in the law courts, and return home wounded
only in the pocket. Assaults on unprotected females
are confined to the slums, where heroes do not dwell,
and are avenged by the nearest magistrate. Your
modern burglar is generally an out-of-work green-grocer.
His ‘swag’ usually consists of an overcoat
and a pair of boots, in attempting to make off with
which he is captured by the servant-girl. Suicides
and murders are getting scarcer every season.
At the present rate of decrease, deaths by violence
will be unheard of in another decade, and a murder
story will be laughed at as too improbable to be interesting.
A certain section of busybodies are even crying out
for the enforcement of the seventh commandment.
If they succeed authors will have to follow the advice
generally given to them by the critics, and retire
from business altogether. I tell you our means
of livelihood are being filched from us one by one.
Authors ought to form themselves into a society for
the support and encouragement of crime.”
MacShaughnassy’s leading intention
in making these remarks was to shock and grieve Brown,
and in this object he succeeded. Brown is or
was, in those days an earnest young man
with an exalted some were inclined to say
an exaggerated view of the importance and
dignity of the literary profession. Brown’s
notion of the scheme of Creation was that God made
the universe so as to give the literary man something
to write about. I used at one time to credit
Brown with originality for this idea; but as I have
grown older I have learned that the theory is a very
common and popular one in cultured circles.
Brown expostulated with MacShaughnassy.
“You speak,” he said, “as though
literature were the parasite of evil.”
“And what else is she?”
replied the MacShaughnassy, with enthusiasm.
“What would become of literature without folly
and sin? What is the work of the literary man
but raking a living for himself out of the dust-heap
of human woe? Imagine, if you can, a perfect
world a world where men and women never
said foolish things and never did unwise ones; where
small boys were never mischievous and children never
made awkward remarks; where dogs never fought and
cats never screeched; where wives never henpecked
their husbands and mothers-in-law never nagged; where
men never went to bed in their boots and sea-captains
never swore; where plumbers understood their work
and old maids never dressed as girls; where niggers
never stole chickens and proud men were never sea-sick!
where would be your humour and your wit? Imagine
a world where hearts were never bruised; where lips
were never pressed with pain; where eyes were never
dim; where feet were never weary; where stomachs were
never empty! where would be your pathos? Imagine
a world where husbands never loved more wives than
one, and that the right one; where wives were never
kissed but by their husbands; where men’s hearts
were never black and women’s thoughts never
impure; where there was no hating and no envying;
no desiring; no despairing! where would be your scenes
of passion, your interesting complications, your subtle
psychological analyses? My dear Brown, we writers novelists,
dramatists, poets we fatten on the misery
of our fellow-creatures. God created man and
woman, and the woman created the literary man when
she put her teeth into the apple. We came into
the world under the shadow of the serpent. We
are special correspondents with the Devil’s
army. We report his victories in our three-volume
novels, his occasional defeats in our five-act melodramas.”
“All of which is very true,”
remarked Jephson; “but you must remember it
is not only the literary man who traffics in misfortune.
The doctor, the lawyer, the preacher, the newspaper
proprietor, the weather prophet, will hardly, I should
say, welcome the millennium. I shall never forget
an anecdote my uncle used to relate, dealing with
the period when he was chaplain of the Lincolnshire
county jail. One morning there was to be a hanging;
and the usual little crowd of witnesses, consisting
of the sheriff, the governor, three or four reporters,
a magistrate, and a couple of warders, was assembled
in the prison. The condemned man, a brutal ruffian
who had been found guilty of murdering a young girl
under exceptionally revolting circumstances, was being
pinioned by the hangman and his assistant; and my
uncle was employing the last few moments at his disposal
in trying to break down the sullen indifference the
fellow had throughout manifested towards both his
crime and his fate.
“My uncle failing to make any
impression upon him, the governor ventured to add
a few words of exhortation, upon which the man turned
fiercely on the whole of them.
“‘Go to hell,’ he
cried, ’with your snivelling jaw. Who are
you, to preach at me? You’re glad enough
I’m here all of you. Why, I’m
the only one of you as ain’t going to make a
bit over this job. Where would you all be, I
should like to know, you canting swine, if it wasn’t
for me and my sort? Why, it’s the likes
of me as keeps the likes of you,’ with
which he walked straight to the gallows and told the
hangman to ‘hurry up’ and not keep the
gentlemen waiting.”
“There was some ‘grit’ in that man,”
said MacShaughnassy.
“Yes,” added Jephson, “and wholesome
wit also.”
MacShaughnassy puffed a mouthful of
smoke over a spider which was just about to kill a
fly. This caused the spider to fall into the
river, from where a supper-hunting swallow quickly
rescued him.
“You remind me,” he said,
“of a scene I once witnessed in the office of
The Daily well, in the office of
a certain daily newspaper. It was the dead season,
and things were somewhat slow. An endeavour had
been made to launch a discussion on the question ‘Are
Babies a Blessing?’ The youngest reporter on
the staff, writing over the simple but touching signature
of ‘Mother of Six,’ had led off with a
scathing, though somewhat irrelevant, attack upon
husbands, as a class; the Sporting Editor, signing
himself ‘Working Man,’ and garnishing his
contribution with painfully elaborated orthographical
lapses, arranged to give an air of verisimilitude
to the correspondence, while, at the same time, not
to offend the susceptibilities of the democracy (from
whom the paper derived its chief support), had replied,
vindicating the British father, and giving what purported
to be stirring midnight experiences of his own.
The Gallery Man, calling himself, with a burst of
imagination, ’Gentleman and Christian,’
wrote indignantly that he considered the agitation
of the subject to be both impious and indelicate,
and added he was surprised that a paper holding the
exalted, and deservedly popular, position of The
– should have opened its columns
to the brainless vapourings of ‘Mother of Six’
and ‘Working Man.’
“The topic had, however, fallen
flat. With the exception of one man who had
invented a new feeding-bottle, and thought he was going
to advertise it for nothing, the outside public did
not respond, and over the editorial department gloom
had settled down.
“One evening, as two or three
of us were mooning about the stairs, praying secretly
for a war or a famine, Todhunter, the town reporter,
rushed past us with a cheer, and burst into the Sub-editor’s
room. We followed. He was waving his notebook
above his head, and clamouring, after the manner of
people in French exercises, for pens, ink, and paper.
“‘What’s up?’
cried the Sub-editor, catching his enthusiasm; ’influenza
again?’
“‘Better than that!’
shouted Todhunter. ’Excursion steamer run
down, a hundred and twenty-five lives lost four
good columns of heartrending scenes.’
“‘By Jove!’ said
the Sub, ’couldn’t have happened at a better
time either’ and then he sat down
and dashed off a leaderette, in which he dwelt upon
the pain and regret the paper felt at having to announce
the disaster, and drew attention to the exceptionally
harrowing account provided by the energy and talent
of ‘our special reporter.’”
“It is the law of nature,”
said Jephson: “we are not the first party
of young philosophers who have been struck with the
fact that one man’s misfortune is another man’s
opportunity.”
“Occasionally, another woman’s,”
I observed.
I was thinking of an incident told
me by a nurse. If a nurse in fair practice does
not know more about human nature does not
see clearer into the souls of men and women than all
the novelists in little Bookland put together it
must be because she is physically blind and deaf.
All the world’s a stage, and all the men and
women merely players; so long as we are in good health,
we play our parts out bravely to the end, acting them,
on the whole, artistically and with strenuousness,
even to the extent of sometimes fancying ourselves
the people we are pretending to be. But with
sickness comes forgetfulness of our part, and carelessness
of the impression we are making upon the audience.
We are too weak to put the paint and powder on our
faces, the stage finery lies unheeded by our side.
The heroic gestures, the virtuous sentiments are a
weariness to us. In the quiet, darkened room,
where the foot-lights of the great stage no longer
glare upon us, where our ears are no longer strained
to catch the clapping or the hissing of the town,
we are, for a brief space, ourselves.
This nurse was a quiet, demure little
woman, with a pair of dreamy, soft gray eyes that
had a curious power of absorbing everything that passed
before them without seeming to look at anything.
Gazing upon much life, laid bare, had given to them
a slightly cynical expression, but there was a background
of kindliness behind.
During the evenings of my convalescence
she would talk to me of her nursing experiences.
I have sometimes thought I would put down in writing
the stories that she told me, but they would be sad
reading. The majority of them, I fear, would
show only the tangled, seamy side of human nature,
and God knows there is little need for us to point
that out to each other, though so many nowadays seem
to think it the only work worth doing. A few
of them were sweet, but I think they were the saddest;
and over one or two a man might laugh, but it would
not be a pleasant laugh.
“I never enter the door of a
house to which I have been summoned,” she said
to me one evening, “without wondering, as I step
over the threshold, what the story is going to be.
I always feel inside a sick-room as if I were behind
the scenes of life. The people come and go about
you, and you listen to them talking and laughing,
and you look into your patient’s eyes, and you
just know that it’s all a play.”
The incident that Jephson’s
remark had reminded me of, she told me one afternoon,
as I sat propped up by the fire, trying to drink a
glass of port wine, and feeling somewhat depressed
at discovering I did not like it.
“One of my first cases,”
she said, “was a surgical operation. I
was very young at the time, and I made rather an awkward
mistake I don’t mean a professional
mistake but a mistake nevertheless that
I ought to have had more sense than to make.
“My patient was a good-looking,
pleasant-spoken gentleman. The wife was a pretty,
dark little woman, but I never liked her from the first;
she was one of those perfectly proper, frigid women,
who always give me the idea that they were born in
a church, and have never got over the chill.
However, she seemed very fond of him, and he of her;
and they talked very prettily to each other too
prettily for it to be quite genuine, I should have
said, if I’d known as much of the world then
as I do now.
“The operation was a difficult
and dangerous one. When I came on duty in the
evening I found him, as I expected, highly delirious.
I kept him as quiet as I could, but towards nine
o’clock, as the delirium only increased, I began
to get anxious. I bent down close to him and
listened to his ravings. Over and over again
I heard the name ‘Louise.’ Why wouldn’t
‘Louise’ come to him? It was so unkind
of her they had dug a great pit, and were
pushing him down into it oh! why didn’t
she come and save him? He should be saved if
she would only come and take his hand.
“His cries became so pitiful
that I could bear them no longer. His wife had
gone to attend a prayer-meeting, but the church was
only in the next street. Fortunately, the day-nurse
had not left the house: I called her in to watch
him for a minute, and, slipping on my bonnet, ran across.
I told my errand to one of the vergers and he
took me to her. She was kneeling, but I could
not wait. I pushed open the pew door, and, bending
down, whispered to her, ’Please come over at
once; your husband is more delirious than I quite
care about, and you may be able to calm him.’
“She whispered back, without
raising her head, ’I’ll be over in a little
while. The meeting won’t last much longer.’
“Her answer surprised and nettled
me. ’You’ll be acting more like a
Christian woman by coming home with me,’ I said
sharply, ’than by stopping here. He keeps
calling for you, and I can’t get him to sleep.’
“She raised her head from her
hands: ‘Calling for me?’ she asked,
with a slightly incredulous accent.
“‘Yes,’ I replied,
’it has been his one cry for the last hour:
Where’s Louise, why doesn’t Louise come
to him.’
“Her face was in shadow, but
as she turned it away, and the faint light from one
of the turned-down gas-jets fell across it, I fancied
I saw a smile upon it, and I disliked her more than
ever.
“‘I’ll come back
with you,’ she said, rising and putting her books
away, and we left the church together.
“She asked me many questions
on the way: Did patients, when they were delirious,
know the people about them? Did they remember
actual facts, or was their talk mere incoherent rambling?
Could one guide their thoughts in any way?
“The moment we were inside the
door, she flung off her bonnet and cloak, and came
upstairs quickly and softly.
“She walked to the bedside,
and stood looking down at him, but he was quite unconscious
of her presence, and continued muttering. I suggested
that she should speak to him, but she said she was
sure it would be useless, and drawing a chair back
into the shadow, sat down beside him.
“Seeing she was no good to him,
I tried to persuade her to go to bed, but she said
she would rather stop, and I, being little more than
a girl then, and without much authority, let her.
All night long he tossed and raved, the one name
on his lips being ever Louise Louise and
all night long that woman sat there in the shadow,
never moving, never speaking, with a set smile on
her lips that made me long to take her by the shoulders
and shake her.
“At one time he imagined himself
back in his courting days, and pleaded, ’Say
you love me, Louise. I know you do. I can
read it in your eyes. What’s the use of
our pretending? We know each other.
Put your white arms about me. Let me feel your
breath upon my neck. Ah! I knew it, my
darling, my love!’
“The whole house was deadly
still, and I could hear every word of his troubled
ravings. I almost felt as if I had no right to
be there, listening to them, but my duty held me.
Later on, he fancied himself planning a holiday with
her, so I concluded. ’I shall start on
Monday evening,’ he was saying, and you can
join me in Dublin at Jackson’s Hotel on the
Wednesday, and we’ll go straight on.’
“His voice grew a little faint,
and his wife moved forward on her chair, and bent
her head closer to his lips.
“‘No, no,’ he continued,
after a pause, ’there’s no danger whatever.
It’s a lonely little place, right in the heart
of the Galway Mountains O’Mullen’s
Half-way House they call it five miles from
Ballynahinch. We shan’t meet a soul there.
We’ll have three weeks of heaven all to ourselves,
my goddess, my Mrs. Maddox from Boston don’t
forget the name.’
“He laughed in his delirium;
and the woman, sitting by his side, laughed also;
and then the truth flashed across me.
“I ran up to her and caught
her by the arm. ‘Your name’s not
Louise,’ I said, looking straight at her.
It was an impertinent interference, but I felt excited,
and acted on impulse.
“‘No,’ she replied,
very quietly; ’but it’s the name of a very
dear school friend of mine. I’ve got the
clue to-night that I’ve been waiting two years
to get. Good-night, nurse, thanks for fetching
me.’
“She rose and went out, and
I listened to her footsteps going down the stairs,
and then drew up the blind and let in the dawn.
“I’ve never told that
incident to any one until this evening,” my nurse
concluded, as she took the empty port wine glass out
of my hand, and stirred the fire. “A nurse
wouldn’t get many engagements if she had the
reputation for making blunders of that sort.”
Another story that she told me showed
married life more lovelit, but then, as she added,
with that cynical twinkle which glinted so oddly from
her gentle, demure eyes, this couple had only very
recently been wed had, in fact, only just
returned from their honeymoon.
They had been travelling on the Continent,
and there had both contracted typhoid fever, which
showed itself immediately on their home-coming.
“I was called in to them on
the very day of their arrival,” she said; “the
husband was the first to take to his bed, and the wife
followed suit twelve hours afterwards. We placed
them in adjoining rooms, and, as often as was possible,
we left the door ajar so that they could call out
to one another.
“Poor things! They were
little else than boy and girl, and they worried more
about each other than they thought about themselves.
The wife’s only trouble was that she wouldn’t
be able to do anything for ’poor Jack.’
‘Oh, nurse, you will be good to him, won’t
you?’ she would cry, with her big childish eyes
full of tears; and the moment I went in to him it
would be: ’Oh, don’t trouble about
me, nurse, I’m all right. Just look after
the wifie, will you?’
“I had a hard time between the
two of them, for, with the help of her sister, I was
nursing them both. It was an unprofessional thing
to do, but I could see they were not well off, and
I assured the doctor that I could manage. To
me it was worth while going through the double work
just to breathe the atmosphere of unselfishness that
sweetened those two sick-rooms. The average
invalid is not the patient sufferer people imagine.
It is a fretful, querulous, self-pitying little world
that we live in as a rule, and that we grow hard in.
It gave me a new heart, nursing these young people.
“The man pulled through, and
began steadily to recover, but the wife was a wee
slip of a girl, and her strength what there
was of it ebbed day by day. As he
got stronger he would call out more and more cheerfully
to her through the open door, and ask her how she
was getting on, and she would struggle to call back
laughing answers. It had been a mistake to put
them next to each other, and I blamed myself for having
done so, but it was too late to change then.
All we could do was to beg her not to exhaust herself,
and to let us, when he called out, tell him she was
asleep. But the thought of not answering him
or calling to him made her so wretched that it seemed
safer to let her have her way.
“Her one anxiety was that he
should not know how weak she was. ’It will
worry him so,’ she would say; ’he is such
an old fidget over me. And I am getting
stronger, slowly; ain’t I, nurse?’
“One morning he called out to
her, as usual, asking her how she was, and she answered,
though she had to wait for a few seconds to gather
strength to do so. He seemed to detect the effort,
for he called back anxiously, ‘Are you sure
you’re all right, dear?’
“‘Yes,’ she replied, ‘getting
on famously. Why?’
“‘I thought your voice
sounded a little weak, dear,’ he answered; ’don’t
call out if it tries you.’
“Then for the first time she
began to worry about herself not for her
own sake, but because of him.
“‘Do you think I am
getting weaker, nurse?’ she asked me, fixing
her great eyes on me with a frightened look.
“‘You’re making
yourself weak by calling out,’ I answered, a
little sharply. ‘I shall have to keep
that door shut.’
“’Oh, don’t tell
him’ that was all her thought ’don’t
let him know it. Tell him I’m strong, won’t
you, nurse? It will kill him if he thinks I’m
not getting well.’
“I was glad when her sister
came up, and I could get out of the room, for you’re
not much good at nursing when you feel, as I felt then,
as though you had swallowed a tablespoon and it was
sticking in your throat.
“Later on, when I went in to
him, he drew me to the bedside, and whispered me to
tell him truly how she was. If you are telling
a lie at all, you may just as well make it a good
one, so I told him she was really wonderfully well,
only a little exhausted after the illness, as was
natural, and that I expected to have her up before
him.
“Poor lad! that lie did him
more good than a week’s doctoring and nursing;
and next morning he called out more cheerily than ever
to her, and offered to bet her a new bonnet against
a new hat that he would race her, and be up first.
“She laughed back quite merrily
(I was in his room at the time). ’All
right,’ she said, ’you’ll lose.
I shall be well first, and I shall come and visit
you.’
“Her laugh was so bright, and
her voice sounded so much stronger, that I really
began to think she had taken a turn for the better,
so that when on going in to her I found her pillow
wet with tears, I could not understand it.
“‘Why, we were so cheerful
just a minute ago,’ I said; ’what’s
the matter?’
“‘Oh, poor Jack!’
she moaned, as her little, wasted fingers opened and
closed upon the counterpane. ‘Poor Jack,
it will break his heart.’
“It was no good my saying anything.
There comes a moment when something tells your patient
all that is to be known about the case, and the doctor
and the nurse can keep their hopeful assurances for
where they will be of more use. The only thing
that would have brought comfort to her then would
have been to convince her that he would soon forget
her and be happy without her. I thought it at
the time, and I tried to say something of the kind
to her, but I couldn’t get it out, and she wouldn’t
have believed me if I had.
“So all I could do was to go
back to the other room, and tell him that I wanted
her to go to sleep, and that he must not call out to
her until I told him.
“She lay very still all day.
The doctor came at his usual hour and looked at her.
He patted her hand, and just glanced at the untouched
food beside her.
“‘Yes,’ he said,
quietly. ‘I shouldn’t worry her,
nurse.’ And I understood.
“Towards evening she opened
her eyes, and beckoned to her sister, who was standing
by the bedside, to bend down.
“‘Jeanie,’ she whispered,
’do you think it wrong to deceive any one when
it’s for their own good?’
“‘I don’t know,’
said the girl, in a dry voice; ’I shouldn’t
think so. Why do you ask?’
“’Jeanie, your voice was
always very much like mine do you remember,
they used to mistake us at home. Jeanie, call
out for me just till till he’s
a bit better; promise me.’
“They had loved each other,
those two, more than is common among sisters.
Jeanie could not answer, but she pressed her sister
closer in her arms, and the other was satisfied.
“Then, drawing all her little
stock of life together for one final effort, the child
raised herself in her sister’s arms.
“‘Good-night, Jack,’
she called out, loud and clear enough to be heard
through the closed door.
“‘Good-night, little wife,’
he cried back, cheerily; ‘are you all right?’
“‘Yes, dear. Good-night.’
“Her little, worn-out frame
dropped back upon the bed, and the next thing I remember
is snatching up a pillow, and holding it tight-pressed
against Jeanie’s face for fear the sound of
her sobs should penetrate into the next room; and
afterwards we both got out, somehow, by the other door,
and rushed downstairs, and clung to each other in the
back kitchen.
“How we two women managed to
keep up the deceit, as, for three whole days, we did,
I shall never myself know. Jeanie sat in the
room where her dead sister, from its head to its sticking-up
feet, lay outlined under the white sheet; and I stayed
beside the living man, and told lies and acted lies,
till I took a joy in them, and had to guard against
the danger of over-elaborating them.
“He wondered at what he thought
my ‘new merry mood,’ and I told him it
was because of my delight that his wife was out of
danger; and then I went on for the pure devilment
of the thing, and told him that a week ago, when we
had let him think his wife was growing stronger, we
had been deceiving him; that, as a matter of fact,
she was at that time in great peril, and I had been
in hourly alarm concerning her, but that now the strain
was over, and she was safe; and I dropped down by the
foot of the bed, and burst into a fit of laughter,
and had to clutch hold of the bedstead to keep myself
from rolling on the floor.
“He had started up in bed with
a wild white face when Jeanie had first answered him
from the other room, though the sisters’ voices
had been so uncannily alike that I had never been
able to distinguish one from the other at any time.
I told him the slight change was the result of the
fever, that his own voice also was changed a little,
and that such was always the case with a person recovering
from a long illness. To guide his thoughts away
from the real clue, I told him Jeanie had broken down
with the long work, and that, the need for her being
past, I had packed her off into the country for a
short rest. That afternoon we concocted a letter
to him, and I watched Jeanie’s eyes with a towel
in my hand while she wrote it, so that no tears should
fall on it, and that night she travelled twenty miles
down the Great Western line to post it, returning
by the next up-train.
“No suspicion of the truth ever
occurred to him, and the doctor helped us out with
our deception; yet his pulse, which day by day had
been getting stronger, now beat feebler every hour.
In that part of the country where I was born and
grew up, the folks say that wherever the dead lie,
there round about them, whether the time be summer
or winter, the air grows cold and colder, and that
no fire, though you pile the logs half-way up the
chimney, will ever make it warm. A few months’
hospital training generally cures one of all fanciful
notions about death, but this idea I have never been
able to get rid of. My thermometer may show me
sixty, and I may try to believe that the temperature
is sixty, but if the dead are beside me I feel
cold to the marrow of my bones. I could see
the chill from the dead room crawling underneath the
door, and creeping up about his bed, and reaching
out its hand to touch his heart.
“Jeanie and I redoubled our
efforts, for it seemed to us as if Death were waiting
just outside in the passage, watching with his eye
at the keyhole for either of us to make a blunder
and let the truth slip out. I hardly ever left
his side except now and again to go into that next
room, and poke an imaginary fire, and say a few chaffing
words to an imaginary living woman on the bed where
the dead one lay; and Jeanie sat close to the corpse,
and called out saucy messages to him, or reassuring
answers to his anxious questions.
“At times, knowing that if we
stopped another moment in these rooms we should scream,
we would steal softly out and rush downstairs, and,
shutting ourselves out of hearing in a cellar underneath
the yard, laugh till we reeled against the dirty walls.
I think we were both getting a little mad.
“One day it was the
third of that nightmare life, so I learned afterwards,
though for all I could have told then it might have
been the three hundredth, for Time seemed to have
fled from that house as from a dream, so that all
things were tangled I made a slip that came
near to ending the matter, then and there.
“I had gone into that other
room. Jeanie had left her post for a moment,
and the place was empty.
“I did not think what I was
doing. I had not closed my eyes that I can remember
since the wife had died, and my brain and my senses
were losing their hold of one another. I went
through my usual performance of talking loudly to
the thing underneath the white sheet, and noisily
patting the pillows and rattling the bottles on the
table.
“On my return, he asked me how
she was, and I answered, half in a dream, ‘Oh,
bonny, she’s trying to read a little,’
and he raised himself on his elbow and called out
to her, and for answer there came back silence not
the silence that is silence, but the silence
that is as a voice. I do not know if you understand
what I mean by that. If you had lived among
the dead as long as I have, you would know.
“I darted to the door and pretended
to look in. ‘She’s fallen asleep,’
I whispered, closing it; and he said nothing, but
his eyes looked queerly at me.
“That night, Jeanie and I stood
in the hall talking. He had fallen to sleep
early, and I had locked the door between the two rooms,
and put the key in my pocket, and had stolen down
to tell her what had happened, and to consult with
her.
“‘What can we do!
God help us, what can we do!’ was all that Jeanie
could say. We had thought that in a day or two
he would be stronger, and that the truth might be
broken to him. But instead of that he had grown
so weak, that to excite his suspicions now by moving
him or her would be to kill him.
“We stood looking blankly in
each other’s faces, wondering how the problem
could be solved; and while we did so the problem solved
itself.
“The one woman-servant had gone
out, and the house was very silent so silent
that I could hear the ticking of Jeanie’s watch
inside her dress. Suddenly, into the stillness
there came a sound. It was not a cry. It
came from no human voice. I have heard the voice
of human pain till I know its every note, and have
grown careless to it; but I have prayed God on my
knees that I may never hear that sound again, for it
was the sob of a soul.
“It wailed through the quiet
house and passed away, and neither of us stirred.
“At length, with the return
of the blood to our veins, we went upstairs together.
He had crept from his own room along the passage into
hers. He had not had strength enough to pull
the sheet off, though he had tried. He lay across
the bed with one hand grasping hers.”
My nurse sat for a while without speaking,
a somewhat unusual thing for her to do.
“You ought to write your experiences,”
I said.
“Ah!” she said, giving
the fire a contemplative poke, “if you’d
seen as much sorrow in the world as I have, you wouldn’t
want to write a sad book.”
“I think,” she added,
after a long pause, with the poker still in her hand,
“it can only be the people who have never known
suffering who can care to read of it. If I could
write a book, I should write a merry book a
book that would make people laugh.”