The year 1839 that is, the year in which I was born is of no manner of importance to myself or anybody else.The year 1859 that is, the year in which I began to live (Charlie and I got married that year) is of considerable importance to myself and to somebody else.The two decades forming the interim between those years constitute my Dark Age, in which I teethed and measled and whooping-coughed, and went to school, and wore my hair in two long pig-tails, and loved molasses candy, and regarded a school-room as purgatory, a ball-room as heaven when I sang and danced and grew as the birds and grasshoppers and flowers sing and dance and grow, because they having nothing else to do.

Then came my Golden Age.That means, then came Charlie into my life, when I felt for the first time that there was music in the birds’ voices and perfume in the flowers that there was light in the heavens above and on the earth beneath, for God was in heaven and Charlie was on earth when I, who had all along been hardly more than a human grasshopper, became the happiest of happy women so much happier, I thought, than I deserved.For who was I, and what great thing had I ever done, that I should be crowned with such a crown of glory as Charlie? why should I, insignificant I, be so blest among women as to be taken to wife by Charlie?

I was insanely sentimental enough to rather resent the fact that Charlie was prosaically well off:his circumstances were distressingly easy.It would have been so much nicer, so deliciously romantic, if there had been an opportunity afforded me to show how ready, nay, eager, I was to sacrifice friends, home and country for his dear sake.But Charlie didn’t want me to sacrifice my friends; nor did it require any great amount of heroism to exchange my modestly comfortable home for his decidedly luxurious one; and as for country, nothing on earth could have induced Charlie to leave his own country, much less his own parish, much less his own plantation.  So we were married without any talk of sacrifice on either side, and moved quietly enough from father’s small plantation to Charlie’s large one.

There was but one drawback to the perfectness of my happiness:there was so little hope of my ever having an opportunity to air those magnanimous traits of character upon the possession of which I so plumed myself.I felt sure that I could meet the most adverse circumstances with the most smiling patience, but circumstances obstinately refused to be adverse.I was inwardly conscious that the most trying emergency could not shake my heroic but purely feminine fortitude; but, alas! my fortitude was likely to rust while waiting for the emergency.Injury and wrong should be met with sublime dignity, but the most wildly speculative imagination could not look upon Charlie’s placidly handsome face and convert him into a possible tyrant.

To tell how the longed-for opportunity to exercise my powers of endurance, and my dignity, and all the rest of it, did finally come about, and to tell how I bore the test, is the object of this paper.

For the first six months of our married life, Charlie and I were simply ridiculously happy selfishly happy too.We resented a neighbor’s visit as an act of barbarous invasion, and the necessity of returning such visits was acknowledged with a sublimity of resignation worthy of pictorial representation in that exquisite parlor manual, Fox’s Book of Martyrs.If Charlie left the house for an hour or two, I looked upon his enforced absence as a cruel dispensation of Providence, which I did not bear with “fortitude and sublime dignity,” but pouted over like the ridiculous baby I was.Bare conjugal civility required that on leaving the house Charlie should kiss me three times, and on returning six times:anything short of that I should have considered a pre-monitory symptom of approaching separation.If Charlie had ever been so savage as to call me plain “Lulie,” I should have felt certain he was sick and tired of me, and was repenting of having married me instead of that spectacled bas-bleu, Miss Minerva Henshaw, who read Buckle and talked dictionary.I believe I was intoxicated with my own happiness, and was a little nonsensical because I was so happy.

Fortunately for the comfort of both Charlie and myself, his domestic cabinet consisted of a marvelously well-trained set of servants, who were simply perfect as perfect in their way as Charlie was in his.They had been trained by Charlie’s mother, who had been the head of affairs in his house up to the hour of her death an event which had occurred some dozen years before my first meeting with Charlie.Everybody said she had been a celebrated housekeeper, and Charlie’s devotion to her had been the talk of the country-side.  There were people malicious enough to say that if Charlie’s mother had never died, he would never have married, but I take the liberty of resenting such an assertion as a personal insult; for, although I don’t doubt the dear old lady was a perfect jewel in her way, yet, looking at the portrait of her which hangs over our parlor mantelpiece, I see the face of a hard, determined-looking woman with cold gray eyes and rigidly set mouth, in a funny-looking black dress, neither high-necked nor low-necked, having a starchy white ruffle round the edge, in vivid white contrast to the yellow skin; with grizzly, iron-gray curls peeping out from under a cap that is fearfully and wonderfully made, with a huge ruffled border radiating in a circumference of several feet, while its two black-and-white gauze ribbon strings lie in rigid exactness over her two rigidly exact shoulders.Looking on this portrait, I do not thank anybody for saying that it was only because death chose that shining mark that I had found favor in Charlie’s eyes.

We had been married, I suppose, about six months, when, sitting one evening over a cozy wood-fire in our cozy little parlor, just under the work of art I have described at such length, Charlie committed his first matrimonial solecism.He yawned, actually gaped an open-mouthed, audible, undeniable yawn!

Glancing up at him from my work (which consisted of the inevitable worked slippers without which no woman considers her wifehood absolutely asserted), I caught him in the act.“Are you tired, Charlie?” I asked in accents of wifely anxiety.

Tired!Poor fellow! he ought to have been, for he had ridden all over the plantation that day, had written two business letters, and smoked there’s no telling how many cigars, and had only taken one little cat-nap after dinner.

He was leaning back in his arm-chair, with his eyes fixed in mournful meditation upon his mother’s portrait (at least I thought so), when I asked him if he was tired, and I fancied he was thinking sad thoughts of the mother who had not been dead so very long as never to trouble the thoughts of the living; so, laying down my slippers, I crossed the rug and perched myself on Charlie’s knee.

“Talk to me about her, Charlie dear.”

“About whom, little one?” asked Charlie, turning his eyes toward me with a little lazy look of inquiry.

“About your mother, Charlie:  weren’t you thinking about her just now?”

“I don’t know maybe I was.Dear mother! you don’t find many women like her now-a-days.”

Reader, that was my first glimpse of Charlie’s hobby.And from the luck-less moment when I so innocently invited him to mount it, up to the time when I forcibly compelled him to dismount from it, I had ample opportunity to exercise my “smiling patience, sublime dignity and heroic fortitude.”  Whether or not I improved my opportunities properly, I will leave you to judge for yourself.But for two whole years “how mother did it” seemed to be the watchword of Charlie’s existence, and was the bête noir of mine.

So long as Charlie and I were in Paradise the house kept itself, and very nicely it did it too, but by the time we were ready to come back to earth the perfect servants, who had been taking such good care of themselves, and our two daft selves into the bargain, were found to be sadly demoralized.  The discovery came upon us gradually.I think my husband noticed the decadence as soon as I did, but I wasn’t going to invite his attention to the fact; and he, I suppose, thought that I thought that everything was just as it should be.

One of Charlie’s inherited manías was for early rising a habit which would have been highly commendable and undeniably invaluable in a laboring man, but which struck me, who had an equally strong mania for not rising early, as extremely inconvenient and the least little bit absurd.  Charlie got up early simply because “mother did it” before him; and after he had risen at earliest dawn and dressed himself, he had nothing better to do than walk out on the front gallery, locate himself in a big wicker chair, tilt his chair back and elevate his feet to the top of the banisters, and stare out over the cottonfields.This position he would maintain, probably, about twenty minutes.Then the pangs of hunger would render him restless, and he would draw out his watch to note the time of day.  The next step in the formula would bring him back to my room door while I was still sleepily trying to reconnect the broken links of a dream, from which vain effort he would startle me into wide-awake reality by a stentorian “Lulie, Lulie!Come, wife it’s breakfast-time.”

Upon which, instead of “heroic fortitude,” I would treat him to a little cross “Please yell at the cook, Charlie, and not at me.I’m sure if people will get up at such unearthly hours, they should expect to be kept waiting for their breakfast.”

Then the spirit of unrest would impel Charlie toward the back door, where I would hear him commanding, exhorting, entreating.

Mentally registering a vow to give my husband a dose of Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup on the coming night, I would relinquish all hope of another nap, get up and dress myself, and join my roaring lion on the front gallery, where we would both sit meekly waiting for the allied forces of kitchen and dining-room to decide upon the question of revictualing us.

“Lulie,” said Charlie to me one morning at the breakfast-table, “things are getting all out of gear about this house, somehow or other.”

I put down the coffee-pot with a resigned thump and asked my lord, with an injured air, to please explain himself.

“Well, when mother was alive I never knew what it was to sit down to my breakfast later than six o’clock in summer or seven in winter.”

“How did she manage it, Charlie?” I asked, very meekly.

“Why, by getting up early herself.  No servant on the face of the globe is going to get up at daybreak and go to work in earnest when she knows her mistress is sound asleep in bed.I will tell you how mother did:she had a pretty good-sized bell, that she kept on a table by her bedside, and every morning, as soon as her eyes were open, she would give such a peal with that old bell that all the servants on the premises knew that ’Mistress was awake and up,’ and bestirred themselves accordingly.  There was no discount on mother:that was the way she made father a rich man, too.”

“But, Charlie, you’re already a rich man, and why on earth should we get out of bed at daybreak just because your mother and father did so before us?”

“Of course, Lulie,” said Charlie, the least little bit coldly, “I have no desire in the world to force you to conform to my views:I only told you how mother did it.”

Reader, you know how I loved Charlie, and after that I out-larked the lark in early rising; and although Charlie and I did little more than gape in each other’s faces for an hour or two, and wish breakfast would come, and wonder what made them take so long, he was perfectly satisfied that we were both on the road that was to make us healthier, wealthier and wiser.

Among other points on which my husband and I were mutually agreed was a liking for good strong coffee, and we also held in common one decided opinion, and that was, that our coffee was gradually becoming anything but good and strong.

Charlie broached the subject first.  “Lulie, our coffee is getting to be perfectly undrinkable,” said he one morning, putting his cup down with a face of disgust.

“It is indeed, Charlie:  it’s perfectly villainous.Milly ought to be ashamed of herself:I shall speak to her again after breakfast.”

“Maybe you don’t give out enough coffee?” suggested Charlie.

“I don’t know how much Milly takes,” I replied, innocently.

“Takes!Do you mean to say that you don’t know how much coffee goes out of your pantry, Lulie?I don’t wonder we never have any fit to drink!”

If I had been of an argumentative turn, I would have asked Charlie to explain how giving the cook carte blanche in the matter of quantity should have had such a disastrous effect in the matter of quality.But I was not of an argumentative turn, so I took no notice of his queer logic.

“Why should I bother about every spoonful of coffee, Charlie?You assured me, when I first came here, that every servant you had was as honest as you or I, and I’m sure Milly knows better than I do how much coffee she ought to take.”

“Well,” said Charlie with a sigh of mock resignation, “that may be the way they do things now-a-days, but I remember exactly how mother managed to have good coffee.”  Here the hobby broke into a brisk canter:“I recollect she had a little oval wooden box, that held, I suppose, about a quart or two, maybe of roasted coffee, and that box stood on the mantelpiece in her room; and every morning, as soon as her bell rang, Milly would come with a cup and spoon, and mother would measure out two table-spoonfuls of coffee with her own hands and give it to the cook, and the cook knew better than not to have good coffee, I can tell you.”

“Are you sure it was only two spoonfuls, Charlie?”

“I am sure,” responded Charlie, solemnly.

As good-luck would have it, while rummaging in the store-room a day or two after that coffee talk, I came upon a little old oval wooden box, the lid of which I detached with some difficulty, and as the scent of the roses hung round it still, I had no difficulty in identifying my treasure-trove with the wooden box that had played such a distinguished part in the good old times when cooks “knew better than not to have good coffee, I can tell you.”

Hoping that some relic of my dead predecessor might prove more awe-inspiring to contumacious Milly than my own despised monitions, I exhumed the wooden box, had it thoroughly cleansed, filled with roasted coffee and placed upon my mantelpiece, giving Milly orders to come to me hereafter, every morning, for the coffee.

Charlie gave me a grateful little kiss when he saw the old box in the old place, either as a reward for my amiable endeavor to do things as mother did, or because he took the old wooden box for an outward and visible sign of the inward and spiritual grace that was to move Milly to make good coffee.

But somehow or other, in spite of the unsightly old wooden box on my mantelshelf, the coffee didn’t improve in the least.Maybe the charm failed to work because Charlie had forgotten which end of the mantelpiece his mother used to keep it on, or I used the wrong spoon.I’m inclined to lay it on the spoon myself, but there’s no telling.

The first cotton-picking season that came round after my marriage seemed to afford Charlie no end of opportunities for riding his hobby at a fast and furious pace.It seemed as if there was no end to the things that mother used to do at that important season.I suppose she really was a wonderful woman, and I humbly hope that by the time I have lived as long as she did, and get to looking as she does in her portrait, and can wear a wonderful-looking cap with the wonderful composure she wore it with, and have little iron-gray curls hanging round my iron-gray visage, I may be only half as wonderful.

“Would I see to the making of the cotton sacks?That was one thing mother always did.”Thus Charlie.

Of course I would:why should I object to doing anything that would forward my husband’s interests?Besides, I was actually pining for some healthful occupation:I was tired of playing at living.I resolved on a brilliant plan.  I would out-mother mother, for she only saw to the making of the sacks:I would make them myself, every one of them, on my sewing-machine.  If I couldn’t make cotton-sacks on it, what was the use of having it?

Charlie had informed me that he would send me down seven or eight women from the quarters to make the sacks.I informed him with a flourish that I should need but one:I should want her to cut the sacks out.Charlie thanked me, and Martha and I and “Wheeler & Wilson” made the sacks.

Was I to blame that the wretched things burst in twenty places at once the first time they were used?Was I to blame that two women were kept busy mending my sacks until they ceased to be sacks?Charlie might think so, but I did not.

He reported the failure of my cotton-sack experiment with very unbecoming levity, as it struck me, accompanying his report with a somewhat unjust comment upon new-fangled notions, such as sewing-machines, etc., etc., winding up with “Now, when mother was alive” (I fairly winced), “the house was not considered too good for the darkies to sit on the back gallery with their work and make the sacks right under mother’s eye sewing them with good strong thread, too, that was spun for the purpose.I can remember the old spinning-wheel:  it used to sit right at that end of the gallery.”

Like Captain Cuttle, I “made a note of it” for future use.

I often had occasion to wonder, during the early years of my married life, how it happened that the son of such an exceptionally perfect woman as I was compelled to presume my respected mother-in-law to have been, should have grown up with such shockingly disorderly habits as had my Charlie.The wretched creature would stalk into my bed-room which I was particularly dainty about fresh from shooting or fishing, with pounds of mud clinging to his boots, bristling all over with cockleburs, his hands grimed with gunpowder; and helping himself to water from my ewer, he would begin dabbling in my china basin until he had reduced its originally pure contents into a compound of mud and ink, and would wind up by making a finish of my fresh damask towel, and throwing it on the bed or a chair instead of returning it to the rack, as he should have done.

“Charlie,” said I one day, saucily inviting a dose of “what mother did,” “what did mother used to do when you came into her room and turned it into a pig-stye, and then left it for her to clean up again?”

“She never let me do it,” said Charlie with a laugh.“I’ll tell you how she did.She had a tin basin on a shelf on the back gallery, and one of those great big rolling towels that lasted about a week; and after her washstand was fixed up in the morning, we knew better than to upset it, I can tell you.”

“Very well, sir:I intend you shall know better than to upset mine, I’ll show you.”

In fact, things had come to that pass that I had mentally resolved to “show” Charlie a great many things.I firmly believed that the secret of the power that Charlie’s mother had exercised over her household, and still exercised over him in memory, lay in the fact that she made them all afraid of her:so I firmly resolved that they should all be afraid of me, poor little me!It is true, I was but twenty, and she was fifty; I was but a pocket edition of a woman, and she was a Webster Unabridged; I had little meek blue eyes, that dropped to the ground in the most shamefaced manner if a body did but look at me, and she had hard, cold gray eyes, that not only looked straight at you, but right through you.Still, I hoped, notwithstanding these trifling drawbacks, to make myself very awe-inspiring by dint of a grand assumption of spirit.

To put it into very plain language, I resolved to bully Charlie off his hobby.He had thrown his mother at my head (figuratively speaking, of course) until, if she had been present in propria persona, I should have been tempted to try Hiawatha’s remarkable feat with his grandmother, and throw her up against the moon.But as I could not revenge myself upon her personally, I began to lay deep and subtle plans for inducing Charlie to leave her to her repose.

As the veritable bell which, in the days when “mother did it,” had acted as a sort of Gabriel’s trump, was still extant, minus clapper and handle, I was enabled to provide myself with its fac-simile.Armed with this instrument of retribution, I laid me down to sleep by Charlie’s side, gloating in anticipation over my ripening scheme of vengeance.

It was a rare thing for me to wake up before Charlie, but I did manage to do so on the morning in question, by dint, I think, of a powerful mental resolution to that effect made the night before.  I raised myself very softly, so as not to disturb my husband’s gentle slumbers, and, possessing myself of my big bell, I laid on with a will, raising such a clatter in the quiet morning air that Charlie fairly bounded into the middle of the room before he in the least comprehended where it came from.

“In the name of God, Lulie, what is the meaning of that?” he exclaimed, looking at me as if he half doubted my sanity.

“That’s the way mother did it, Charlie,” I replied placidly enough, and, replacing my big bell on the table, I settled myself on my pillow once more, ostensibly to go to sleep again in reality to have my laugh out in a quiet fashion, for it was enough to have made the very bed-posts laugh to see Charlie’s funny look of astonishment and indignation.But of course he couldn’t say a word, you know.

For two more mornings I clattered my bell about his precious old head, and then he paid me to quit, and after that began riding his hobby at a little slower gait.

The next direct intimation he gave that his faith in inherited ideas was growing shaky was a plaintive little request that I would not stick so close to the old wooden box, but give out enough coffee to ensure him something to drink for his breakfast.

Now, I had no wish that my husband should drink bad coffee just because Providence had seen fit to remove his mother from this sublunary sphere:  I merely wanted to cure him of telling me how mother did it; so as soon as he thus tacitly acknowledged that his suggestion had not been a success, I took matters into my own hands, and proved to him that coffee could be made as well by young wives as by old mothers.

In the due revolution of the seasons King Cotton donned his royal robes of ermine once more, and sacks again became the one thing needful.  It was the very rainiest, wettest, muddiest picking-season that had ever been seen.In pursuance of my plan, I had seven or eight women down from the quarters, and a spinning-wheel also, which was set to humming right under our bed-room window.

The rainy weather had kept Charlie in the house, and he was lounging on a couch in my room, enjoying a pleasant semi-doze, when the monotonous whirr-r-r of the spinning-wheel first attracted his attention.“Lulie,” he asked, rising into a sitting posture, “what is that infernal noise on the back gallery?”

“The spinning-wheel, Charlie.  They are spinning thread to make the sacks with,” I answered, without looking up from my work.

“Oh!” and Charlie subsided for a while.“Ahem!Lulie, my dear, how long is that devilish spinning to be kept up?”

“Devilish!Why, Charlie, that’s the way mother did it.”

“Well,” said Charlie, scratching his head and looking foolish, “I know she did, Lulie, but I’ll be confounded if I can stand it much longer.”

“Why, Charlie, you used to stand it when mother did it,” I answered maliciously.

“I was hardly ever about the house in those days, Lulie:I suppose that was why I didn’t mind it.”

“Why weren’t you about the house much in those days, Charlie?”

“Because you weren’t in it, you witch, I suppose.”

This was such a decided triumph over the old lady of the portrait that I could afford to be amiable; so, giving him a spasmodic little hug and an energetic little kiss, I went out and stopped the spinning nuisance immediately.

After that the hobby went slower and slower, feebler and feebler.One more energetic display of my bogus spirit and “the enemy was mine.”

Winter came on in its duly-appointed time, bringing with it the usual quantity of wild ducks and more than the usual degree of severe cold.  Charlie was an inveterate duck-shooter, and with the return of the season came the return of mud and dirt in my bowls.

I determined to do as mother did.  A tin basin made its appearance on the back gallery, four yards of crash sewed together at the end were made to revolve over the roller, and by way of forcing the experiment to a successful issue orders were given that my own pitchers should be filled only after nightfall.

I was sitting in my bed-room sewing away, in placid unconsciousness of outside cold and discomfort, when Charlie got home from his first hunt of the season.

“No water, Lulie?” and the monster took hold of my nice pitcher with a pair of muddy, half-frozen hands.

“On the gallery, dear, just where mother used to keep it;” and I smiled up at him angelically.

With a muttered something or other, poor Charlie bounded out to the back gallery.  He came back in a minute, his hands as muddy and cold as ever.

“Look here, Lulie:the water’s all frozen in that confounded tin basin out there.”

“I’ll have it thawed out for you,” I said sweetly, rising as I spoke.

“I say, wifey” and the great, handsome fellow came close up to me with his mud and his burs “do you think it’s exactly fair, when a fellow’s been out all the morning shooting ducks for your dinner, to make him stand out on the gallery such a day as this and scrub the mud off his frozen hands?”

“That’s the way mother did,” was all my answer.

“Look here, Lulie, I cry quits.  If you’ll only let a body off this once, you may keep house on your own plan, little lady, and I’ll never tell you how mother did it again so long as I live.”

“Well, then, don’t, that’s a dear,” I replied, “for you’ll only make me dislike her memory, without doing any good.  Just be patient with me, Charlie, and maybe after a while I’ll be as good a housekeeper as your mother was before me.The mistake you and all other men make is, in comparing your wives at the end of their first year of housekeeping with your mothers, whose housekeeping you knew nothing about until it was of ever so many years’ duration.  I’m young yet, but I’m improving in that matter every day, Charlie.”

With which little moral lecture I gave Charlie a kiss, and some water to wash the mud from his poor red hands.

Moral. My dear girls, don’t you ever marry a man that cannot take his affidavit he never had a mother, unless it is expressly stipulated in the marriage contract that he is never to tell you how his mother did it.

J.R.HADERMANN.