CAPTAIN KIDD MEETS WITH AN OBSTACLE
“Excuse me, your Majesty,”
remarked Helen of Troy as Cleopatra accorded permission
to Captain Kidd to speak, “I have not been introduced
to this gentleman nor has he been presented to me,
and I really cannot consent to any proceeding so irregular
as this. I do not speak to gentlemen I have not
met, nor do I permit them to address me.”
“Hear, hear!” cried Xanthippe.
“I quite agree with the principle of my young
friend from Troy. It may be that when we claimed
for ourselves all the rights of men that the right
to speak and be spoken to by other men without an
introduction was included in the list, but I for one
have no desire to avail myself of the privilege, especially
when it’s a horrid-looking man like this.”
Kidd bowed politely, and smiled so
terribly that several of the ladies fainted.
“I will withdraw,” he
said, turning to Cleopatra; and it must be said that
his suggestion was prompted by his heartfelt wish,
for now that he found himself thus conspicuously brought
before so many women, with falsehood on his lips,
his courage began to ooze.
“Not yet, please,” answered
the chair-lady. “I imagine we can get about
this difficulty without much trouble.”
“I think it a perfectly proper
objection too,” observed Delilah, rising.
“If we ever needed etiquette we need it now.
But I have a plan which will obviate any further difficulty.
If there is no one among us who is sufficiently well
acquainted with the gentleman to present him formally
to us, I will for the time being take upon myself
the office of ship’s barber and cut his hair.
I understand that it is quite the proper thing for
barbers to talk, while cutting their hair, to persons
to whom they have not been introduced. And, besides,
he really needs a hair-cut badly. Thus I shall
establish an acquaintance with the captain, after which
I can with propriety introduce him to the rest of
you.”
“Perhaps the gentleman himself
might object to that,” put in Queen Elizabeth.
“If I remember rightly, your last customer was
very much dissatisfied with the trim you gave him.”
“It will be unnecessary to do
what Delilah proposes,” said Mrs. Noah, with
a kindly smile, as she rose up from the corner in which
she had been sitting, an interested listener.
“I can introduce the gentleman to you all with
perfect propriety. He’s a member of my family.
His grandfather was the great-grandson a thousand
and eight times removed of my son Shem’s great-grandnephew
on his father’s side. His relationship to
me is therefore obvious, though from what I know of
his reputation I think he takes more after my husband’s
ancestors than my own. Willie, dear, these ladies
are friends of mine. Ladies, this young man is
one of my most famous descendants. He has been
a man of many adventures, and he has been hanged once,
which, far from making him undesirable as an acquaintance,
has served merely to render him harmless, and therefore
a safe person to know. Now, my son, go ahead
and speak your piece.”
The good old spirit sat down, and
the scruples of the objectors having thus been satisfied,
Captain Kidd began.
“Now that I know you all,”
he remarked, as pleasantly as he could under the circumstances,
“I feel that I can speak more freely, and certainly
with a great deal less embarrassment than if I were
addressing a gathering of entire strangers. I
am not much of a hand at speaking, and have always
felt somewhat nonplussed at finding myself in a position
of this nature. In my whole career I never experienced
but one irresistible impulse to make a public address
of any length, and that was upon that unhappy occasion
to which the greatest and grandest of my great-grandmothers
has alluded, and that only as the chain by which I
was suspended in mid-air tightened about my vocal
chords. At that moment I could have talked impromptu
for a year, so fast and numerously did thoughts of
the uttermost import surge upward into my brain; but
circumstances over which I had no control prevented
the utterance of those thoughts, and that speech is
therefore lost to the world.”
“He has the gift of continuity,” observed
Madame Recamier.
“Ought to be in the United States Senate,”
smiled Elizabeth.
“I wish I could make up my mind
as to whether he is outrageously handsome or desperately
ugly,” remarked Helen of Troy. “He
fascinates me, but whether it is the fascination of
liking or of horror I can’t tell, and it’s
quite important.”
“Ladies,” resumed the
captain, his uneasiness increasing as he came to the
point, “I am but the agent of your respective
husbands, fiances, and other masculine guardians.
The gentlemen who were previously the tenants of this
club-house have delegated to me the important, and
I may add highly agreeable, task of showing you the
world. They have noted of late years the growth
of that feeling of unrest which is becoming every day
more and more conspicuous in feminine circles in all
parts of the universe on the earth, where
women are clamoring to vote, and to be allowed to
go out late at night without an escort; in Hades, where,
as you are no doubt aware, the management of the government
has fallen almost wholly into the hands of the Furies;
and even in the halls of Jupiter himself, where, I
am credibly informed, Juno has been taking private
lessons in the art of hurling thunderbolts information
which the extraordinary quality of recent electrical
storms on the earth would seem to confirm. Thunderbolts
of late years have been cast hither and yon in a most
erratic fashion, striking where they were least expected,
as those of you who keep in touch with the outer world
must be fully aware. Now, actuated by their usual
broad and liberal motives, the men of Hades wish to
meet the views of you ladies to just that extent that
your views are based upon a wise selection, in turn
based upon experience, and they have come to me and
in so many words have said, ’Mr. Kidd, we wish
the women of Hades to see the world. We want
them to be satisfied. We do not like this constantly
increasing spirit of unrest. We, who have seen
all the life that we care to see, do not ourselves
feel equal to the task of showing them about.
We will pay you liberally if you will take our House-boat,
which they have always been anxious to enter, and personally
conduct our beloved ones to Paris, London, and elsewhere.
Let them see as much of life as they can stand.
Accord them every privilege. Spare no expense;
only bring them back again to us safe and sound.’
These were their words, ladies. I asked them
why they didn’t come along themselves, saying
that even if they were tired of it all, they should
make some personal sacrifice to your comfort; and
they answered, reasonably and well, that they would
be only too glad to do so, but that they feared they
might unconsciously seem to exert a repressing influence
upon you. ’We want them to feel absolutely
free, Captain Kidd,’ said they, ’and if
we are along they may not feel so.’ The
answer was convincing, ladies, and I accepted the
commission.”
“But we knew nothing of all
this,” interposed Elizabeth. “The
subject was not broached to us by our husbands, brothers,
fiances, or fathers. My brother, Sir Walter
Raleigh ”
Cleopatra chuckled. “Brother! Brother’s
good,” she said.
“Well, that’s what he
is,” retorted Elizabeth, quickly. “I
promised to be a sister to him, and I’m going
to keep my word. That’s the kind of a queen
I am. I was about to remark,” Elizabeth
added, turning to the captain, “that my brother,
Sir Walter Raleigh, never even hinted at any such plan,
and usually he asked my advice in matters of so great
importance.”
“That is easily accounted for,
madame,” retorted Kidd. “Sir
Walter intended this as a little surprise for you,
that is all. The arrangements were all placed
in his hands, and it was he who bound us all to secrecy.
None of the ladies were to be informed of it.”
“It does not sound altogether
plausible,” interposed Portia. “If
you ladies do not object, I should like to cross-examine
this ah gentleman.”
Kidd paled visibly. He was not
prepared for any such trial; however, he put as good
a face on the matter as he could, and announced his
willingness to answer any questions that he might be
asked.
“Shall we put him under oath?” asked Cleopatra.
“As you please, ladies,”
said the pirate. “A pirate’s word
is as good as his bond; but I’ll take an oath
if you choose a half-dozen of ’em,
if need be.”
“I fancy we can get along without
that,” said Portia. “Now, Captain
Kidd, who first proposed this plan?”
“Socrates,” said Kidd,
unblushingly, with a sly glance at Xanthippe.
“What?” cried Xanthippe.
“My husband propose anything that would contribute
to my pleasure or intellectual advancement? Bah!
Your story is transparently false at the outset.”
“Nevertheless,” said Kidd,
“the scheme was proposed by Socrates. He
said a trip of that kind for Xanthippe would be very
restful and health-giving.”
“For me?” cried Xanthippe, sceptically.
“No, madame, for him,” retorted
Kidd.
“Ah ho-ho! That’s
the way of it, eh?” said Xanthippe, flushing
to the roots of her hair. “Very likely.
You ah you will excuse my doubting
your word, Captain Kidd, a moment since. I withdraw
my remark, and in order to make fullest reparation,
I beg to assure these ladies that I am now perfectly
convinced that you are telling the truth. That
last observation is just like my husband, and when
I get back home again, if I ever do, well ha,
ha! we’ll have a merry time, that’s
all.”
“And what was ah Bassanio’s
connection with this affair?” added Portia,
hesitatingly.
“He was not informed of it,”
said Kidd, archly. “I am not acquainted
with Bassanio, my lady, but I overheard Sir Walter
enjoining upon the others the absolute necessity of
keeping the whole affair from Bassanio, because he
was afraid he would not consent to it. ’Bassanio
has a most beautiful wife, gentlemen,’ said
Sir Walter, ’and he wouldn’t think of parting
with her under any circumstances; therefore let us
keep our intentions a secret from him.’
I did not hear whom the gentleman married, madame;
but the others, Prince Hamlet, the Duke of Buckingham,
and Louis the Fourteenth, all agreed that Mrs. Bassanio
was too beautiful a person to be separated from, and
that it was better, therefore, to keep Bassanio in
the dark as to their little enterprise until it was
too late for him to interfere.”
A pink glow of pleasure suffused the
lovely countenance of the cross-examiner, and it did
not require a very sharp eye to see that the wily
Kidd had completely won her over to his side.
On the other hand, Elizabeth’s brow became as
corrugated as her ruff, and the spirit of the pirate
shivered to the core as he turned and gazed upon that
glowering face.
“Sir Walter agreed to that,
did he?” snapped Elizabeth. “And yet
he was willing to part with ah his
sister.”
“Well, your Majesty,”
began Kidd, hesitatingly, “you see it was this
way: Sir Walter er did
say that, but ah he ah but
he added that he of course merely judged er this
man Bassanio’s feelings by his own in parting
from his sister ”
“Did he say sister?” cried Elizabeth.
“Well no not
in those words,” shuffled Kidd, perceiving quickly
wherein his error lay, “but ah I
jumped at the conclusion, seeing his intense enthusiasm
for the lady’s beauty and er intellectual
qualities, that he referred to you, and it is from
yourself that I have gained my knowledge as to the
fraternal, not to say sororal, relationship that exists
between you.”
“That man’s a diplomat
from Diplomaville!” muttered Sir Henry Morgan,
who, with Abeuchapeta and Conrad, was listening at
the port without.
“He is that,” said Abeuchapeta,
“but he can’t last much longer. He’s
perspiring like a pitcher of ice-water on a hot day,
and a spirit of his size and volatile nature can’t
stand much of that without evaporating. If you
will observe him closely you will see that his left
arm already has vanished into thin air.”
“By Jove!” whispered Conrad,
“that’s a fact! If they don’t
let up on him he’ll vanish. He’s
getting excessively tenuous about the top of his head.”
All of which was only too true.
Subjected to a scrutiny which he had little expected,
the deceitful ambassador of the thieving band was rapidly
dissipating, and, as those without had so fearsomely
noted, was in imminent danger of complete sublimation,
which, in the case of one possessed of so little elementary
purity, meant nothing short of annihilation.
Fortunately for Kidd, however, his wonderful tact had
stemmed the tide of suspicion. Elizabeth was satisfied
with his explanation, and in the minds of at least
three of the most influential ladies on board, Portia,
Xanthippe, and Elizabeth, he had become a creature
worthy of credence, which meant that he had nothing
more to fear.
“I am prepared, your Majesty,”
said Elizabeth, addressing Cleopatra, “to accept
from this time on the gentleman’s word.
The little that he has already told us is hall-marked
with truth. I should like to ask, however, one
more question, and that is how our gentleman friends
expected to embark us upon this voyage without letting
us into the secret?”
“Oh, as for that,” replied
Kidd, with a deep-drawn sigh of relief, for he too
had noticed the gradual evaporation of his arm and
the incipient etherization of his cranium “as
for that, it was simple enough. There was to
have been a day set apart for ladies’ day at
the club, and when you were all on board we were quietly
to weigh anchor and start. The fact that you
had anticipated the day, of your own volition, was
telephoned by my scouts to me at my headquarters,
and that news was by me transmitted by messenger to
Sir Walter at Charon’s Glen Island, where the
long-talked-of fight between Samson and Goliath was
taking place. Raleigh immediately replied, ’Good!
Start at once. Paris first. Unlimited credit.
Love to Elizabeth.’ Wherefore, ladies,”
he added, rising from his chair and walking to the
door “wherefore you are here and in
my care. Make yourselves comfortable, and with
the aid of the fashion papers which you have already
received prepare yourselves for the joys that await
you. With the aid of Madame Recamier and Baedeker’s
Paris, which you will find in the library,
it will be your own fault if when you arrive there
you resemble a great many less fortunate women who
don’t know what they want.”
With these words Kidd disappeared
through the door, and fainted in the arms of Sir Henry
Morgan. The strain upon him had been too great.
“A charming fellow,” said
Portia, as the pirate disappeared.
“Most attractive,” said Elizabeth.
“Handsome, too, don’t you think?”
asked Helen of Troy.
“And truthful beyond peradventure,”
observed Xanthippe, as she reflected upon the words
the captain had attributed to Socrates. “I
didn’t believe him at first, but when he told
me what my sweet-tempered philosopher had said, I
was convinced.”
“He’s a sweet child,”
interposed Mrs. Noah, fondly. “One of my
favorite grandchildren.”
“Which makes it embarrassing
for me to say,” cried Cassandra, starting up
angrily, “that he is a base caitiff!”
Had a bomb been dropped in the middle
of the room, it could not have created a greater sensation
than the words of Cassandra.
“What?” cried several voices at once.
“A caitiff?”
“A caitiff with a capital K,”
retorted Cassandra. “I know that, because
while he was telling his story I was listening to it
with one ear and looking forward into the middle of
next week with the other I mean the other
eye and I saw ”
“Yes, you saw?” cried Cleopatra.
“I saw that he was deceiving
us. Mark my words, ladies, he is a base caitiff,”
replied Cassandra “a base caitiff.”
“What did you see?” cried Elizabeth, excitedly.
“This,” said Cassandra,
and she began a narration of future events which I
must defer to the next chapter. Meanwhile his
associates were endeavoring to restore the evaporated
portions of the prostrated Kidd’s spirit anatomy
by the use of a steam-atomizer, but with indifferent
success. Kidd’s training had not fitted
him for an intellectual combat with superior women,
and he suffered accordingly.