The deacon’s troubles in getting home with Abraham Lincoln.

One morning the Orderly-Sergeant handed Si the following letter: 

Deer Son:  I got hoam safely a weke ago, thanks 2 all-protecting Providens; likewise 2 about 175 pound of tuff & helthy Josiah Klegg.  Providens helpt rite along, but it tuk 50-year-old Injianny hickory & whit-leather 2 pull through sum ov the tite plasis.

Abraham Lincoln is as strong as an ox, but I never thought that anything that diddent wear horns or chew the cud could be so measly dumb.  He kin eat as much as Buck, our off-steer, & I declare I don’t believe he knows any more.

We had only bin on the train long enuff for Abe to finish up the whole of the 3 days rations you provided us with 2 last us home, when I notist that Blowhard Billings was on board.  He was still dressed in full uniform, & playin off officer yit, but I happened 2 recolleck that he was no officer no more, & it wuz lucky that I done so.  He wuz lookin at me & Abe hard with them mean, fatfish ize ov hizn.

Jest as a matter ov precaushon.  I make Abe change seats with me & taik the inside.  Billings caim up.  You know what I thought ov him ov old, & there’s never bin any love lost betwixt us sence I stopped him cheatin poor Eli Mitchell outen his plow-team.  I told him then that the coppers on a dead nigger’s eyes wuzzent saif when he wuz around, & I woulddent trust him ez fur ez I could sling a bull by the tale.  He got mad at this & never got over it.  I never encouraged him to.  I woulddent feel satisfied with myself if he wuzzent mad at me.  I coulddent change my opinion, even when he tried to steal into respectability by goin into the army.  I knowed he’d do anything but fite, & woulddent’ve bin supprized any day by hearing that him and the other mules in camp had disappeared together.

Presently Billings he cum up very corjil like & says: 

“Howdy, Deacon.  I hope you air very well.”

I told him I wuz tollable peart, and he says: 

“I see a man in the third car forward that wuz inquiring for you, and wanted to see you powerful bad.”

“That so?” says I, unconcernedlike.

“Yes,” says he.  “He wuz awful anxious to see you, and I said I’d send you to him if I cum acrost you.”

Somehow, I dropped onto it in a minnit that he wuz schemin’ to git me away from Abraham Lincoln-

“Well,” says I, “it’s about ez fur for me forward to him as it is for him back here to me.  I don’t know as I want to see him at all.  If he wants to see me so bad let him cum back here."

“I think I’d go forward and see him,” said Billings, sort ov impatient-like.  “You’ll have no trouble finding him.  He’s in the third car from here, up at the front end, right-hand side, next to the watercooler.  He inquired most partickerlerly for you.”

“Probably he wants 2 borry money,” says I, without stirrin’.  “Men that want particularly 2 see me always do.  Well, I hain’t got none 2 lend-hain’t got no more’n ’ll talk me hoam.”

“You’d better go forward & see him,” he said very bossy like, as if he was orderin me.

“I’d better stay right here, & I’m goin’ to stay,” says I, so decided that Billings see that it was no use.

His patience gave clean away.

“Look here, Klegg,” said he, mad as a hornet, “I’m after that ere nigger you’re trying to steal away into Injianny, and by the holy poker I’m goin’ to have him!  Come along here, you black ape,” and he laid his hand on Abe Lincoln’s collar.  Abe showed the white ov his eyes as big as buckeyes, put his arm around the piece betwixt the winders, and held on for deer life.  I see by the grip he tuk that the only way 2 git him wuz 2 tear out the side of the car, and I thought I’d let them tussle it out for a minnit or 2.

The others in the car who thought it grate fun to see a Lieutenant-Kurnol wrastlin’ with a nigger, laffed and yelled: 

“Go it, nigger,”

“Go it, Kurnel,”

“Grab a root,”

“I’l bet on the nigger if the car is stout onuf," and sich.  Jest then Groundhog cum runnin’ up to help Billings, and reached over and ketched Abe, but I hit him a good biff with the musket that changed his mind.  Billings turned on me, and called out to the others: 

“Men, I order you to arrest this man and tie him up.”

Sum ov them seemed a-mind to obey, but I sung out: 

“Feller-citizens, he ain’t no officer-no more’n I am.  He ain’t got no right to wear shoulder-straps, and he knows it as well as I do.”

At this they all turned agin him & began yellin at him 2 put his head in a bag.  He turned 2 me savage as a meat-ax, but I ketched him by the throat, & bent him back over the seat.  The Provo-Guard cum up, & I explained it 2 them, & showed my passes for me & Abe.  So they made us all sit down & keep quiet.

Bimeby we got to Nashville.  Abe Lincoln wuz hungry, & I stopped 2 git him something to eat.  My gracious, the lot ov ham & aigs at 50 cents a plate & sandwiches at 25 cents a piece that contraband kin eat.  He never seemed 2 git full.  He looked longingly at the pies, but I let him look.  I wuzzent runnin no Astor House in connexion with the Freedmen’s buró.

We walked through the city, crost on the ferry, & wuz jest gittin in the cars which wuz about ready 2 start, when up comes Billings agin, with 2 or 3 other men in citizen’s cloze.  One ov these claps his hand on my shoulder & says: 

“I’m a Constable, & I arrest you in the name ov the State ov Tennessee for abductin a slave.  Make no trubble, but come along with me.”

I jest shook him off, & clumb onto the platform, pullin Abe after me.  The Constable & his men follered us, but I got Abe Lincoln inside the door, shet it & made him put his shoulders agin it.  The Constable & his 2 assistants wuz buttin away at it, & me grinnin at them when the train pulled off, & they had 2 jump off.  I begin 2 think there wuz something good in Abe Lincoln, after all, & when we stopped at an eatin-plais, about half-way 2 Louisville, & Abe looked at the grub as if he haddent had a mouthful sence the war begun, I busted a $2-bill all 2 pieces gittin’ him a little supper.  If I wuz goin into the bizniss ov freein slaves I’d want 2 have a mule train haulin grub follering me at every step.

Abe wuz awful hungry agin when we reached Louisville, but I found a place where a dollar would buy him enuf pork & beans 2 probably last him over the river.

But I begun 2 be efeard that sum nosin pryin Mike Medler might make trubble in gitting Abe safely acrost the Ohio.  I tuk him 2 a house, & laid it down strong 2 him that he must stay inside all day, and 2 make sure I bargained with the woman 2 keep him eating as much as she could.  I ruined a $5 bill, & even then Abe looked as if he could hold some more.  I’ve always made it a pint 2 lend 2 the Lord for the benefit ov the heathen as much as my means would allow, but I begun 2 think that my missionary contribushions this year would beat what I was layin out on my family.

After it got dark, me & Abe meandered down through the streets 2 the ferry.  There wuzzent many people out, except soljers, & I’ve got 2 feel purty much at home with them.  They seem more likely 2 think more nearly my way than folks in every-day clothes.

There wuz quite a passel ov soljers on the wharf boat waitin’ for the ferry when we got there.  They saw at wuns that I had probably bin down 2 the front 2 see my son, & sum ov them axed me 2 what rigiment he belonged.  When I told them the 200th Injianny Volunteer Infantry they all made friends with me at wunst, for they said they knowed it wuz a good rigiment.

Bimeby a big, important-lookin’ man, with a club with a silver head for a cane, cum elbowin through the crowd & scowling at everybody as if he owned the wharf-boat & all on it.  He stopped in frunt ov Abraham Lincoln & says very sharp & cross: 

“Boy, where did you come from?”

Abe diddent say nothin’.  His ize got all white, he grinned sort ov scared like, showed his white teeth, & looked sickly over at me.  I spoke up & says: 

“I brung him along with me from Murfreesboro’.”

“So I sposed,” said he.  “He’s a slave you’re tryin 2 steal from his master.  You can’t do it.  I’ll jest take charge ov him myself.  That’s my dooty here,” & he ketched hold ov Abraham Lincoln’s collar.  Abe, in his scare, put out his arms to ketch hold ov something, & throwed them around the big important man, & lifted him clean offen his feet.  I never before realized how strong Abe wuz.  The soljers gethered around, purty mad, and then laffin and yellin when they see the man in Abe’s arms.  Suddenly sum one hollered: 

“Throw him overboard; throw him in the river.”  Abe was wuss scared than ever when he found he had the man in his arms.  He wuz afeared 2 hold on & still more afeared 2 let go.  He heard them hollerin, & thought he had 2 do jest as they said, & begun edgin toward the river.

The man got more scared than Abe.  He began kickin & wrigglin & hollerin: 

“Don’t let him do it.  Help me.  I can’t swim a lick.”

At this the men hollered worsen ever: 

“Throw him in the river!  Duck him!  Baptize him!  Drown him!”

I’m a Baptist, but I don’t believe in immersion onless the convert has bin prepared for it, & is willin, which neither this man wuz.  I stepped forward 2 make Abe let him down, but before T could do anything Abe had got 2 the edge of the wharfboat & let go, & plunk went the man into about 10 foot ov water.  Abe, scared now nearly 2 death, stood there with his ize biggern säßers & whitern goose-eggs.

In a minnit the man cum up, sputterin & hollerin.  A big Sergeant, with his left arm in a sling, reached over & ketchod him by the collar & held his head above water.

“If I pull you out will you promis 2 go out ov the niggor-kotchin bizniss forever?” axed the Sergeant.

“Pull me out & then I’ll talk 2 you,” says the man grabbin for the slippery sides ov the wharfboat.

“No, I won’t,” said the Sergeant, sousin him under water agin.

“Yes, yes, I’ll promise,” says the man, when he come up agin.

“Will you swear it?” axed the Sergeant.

“Yes, I’ll swear it before a Justice ov the Peace.”

“Will you swear 2 support the Constitution ov the United States agin all enemies & opposers whatsumever, & vote for Abraham Lincoln every time?” axed the Sergeant.

“I’ll take the oath ov allegiance,” says the man, sputterin the water out ov his mouth, “but I’ll never vote for that Abolition ape as long as I live.”

“Then down you go,” says the Sergeant, sousin him again.

“Yes, yes, I’ll vote for Abe Lincoln, & anybody else, if you’ll only pull me out,” said the man, in a tired tone of voice, when he cum up agin.  I begin 2 see that immersion had a great deal ov good in it, even if a man isn’t prepared & willin.

“Will you swear 2 always love a nigger as a man & a brother, until death do you part, & aid & comfort all them who are tryin 2 git away from slavery?” axed the Sergeant.

“Damned if I will,” says the man.  “No nigger kin ever be a brother 2 me.  I’ll die first.”

“Then you’ll die right now,” says the Sergeant, sendin him down as far as his long arm would reach & holding him there until I wuz scared for fear he wuz really goin 2 drown the man.  When he brung him up the man whimpered: 

“Yes, only pull me out-save my life-& I’ll do anything you want."

By this time the ferryboat had cum up.  We got aboard & crost over to Injianny, & I felt so glad at bein on my nativ soil wuns more that I took Abe up 2 the eatin stand, & blowed in a dollar filin up the vacant plasis in his hide.

When we tried 2 git on the train there cum another trubble:  The conductor woulddent let him ride in the car with white folks-not even in the smokin-car.  He made him go into the baggage-car.  Abe wuz so scared about leavin me for a minnit in’ that strange country that I tried 2 go into the baggage-car with him, but the conductor woulddent let me.  He said it wuz agin the rules for passengers to ride in the baggage-cars, but Abe could go in there, same as dogs, prize poultry, & household pets.  I tried 2 joke with him, tellin him that in sum plasis I wuz considered a household pet, but he said Ide have 2 git another mug on me before he could believe it.

One of Zeke Biltner’s hogs ditched the train jest before we got home, & turned the baggage-car over.  Sum crates ov aigs wuz smashed over Abraham Lincoln, & he wuz a sight to behold.  He wuz awfully scared, though, & begged me 2 let him go the rest ov the way on foot.  He said he wuz a thousand years older than when he left his olé massa, & I could understand what he meant.

I found your mother & the girls bright & chipper & jest tickled 2 death to see me safe back.  They axed me so many questions about you & Shorty that my head buzzed like a bee-hive.  It is hard 2 git away from them 2 tend 2 my Spring work, but I’ve made an arrangement 2 giv em an hour mornin & evenin 2 answerin questions.  I think this will keep me purty busy till the snow flise agin.

Wheat is lookin surprisinly well, though I found sum bare plasis in the north field.  I think we’ll have a fair crop ov apples and peaches.  Your colt is growin up the purtiest thing that ever went on four legs, & jumped an eight-rail fence.  My hogs wintered in good shape, & pork is risin.  They have the measles over on the Crick, & school’s broke up.  Bill Scripp’s out agin for Sheriff, & I spose I’le have 2 turn 2 agin & beat him.  Singler, that he’ll never know when he’s got enuff.

If anything, Abraham Lincoln’s appetite has bin improved by Wabash air.  I wuzzent goin 2 have the wimmen folks wear theirselves out cookin for him.  So I fix-ed up a place for him in the old log house, & took him over some sides ov meat, a few bushel ov pertaters, a jug ov sorghum molasses, & every time mother bakes she sends over some leaves ov bread.  I jest turned him loose there.  He seems 2 be very happy, & we hear him singin & yellin most all the time when he’s by hisself.  He’s a good worker when I stand right over him, & he’ll lift & dig as patient as an ox.  But he hain’t no more sense about goin ahead by hisself than a steer has, & the moment my back’s turned he stops work.  Ime af eared I’ve got a job on my hands makin a firstclass farmer out ov him.  But if that’s my share ov the work that Providens has chalked out for me, there’s nothin left for me but 2 go ahead & do it in fear & tremblin.

No more from your affeckshionate father.

P. S. Give my best respects 2 Shorty.