For some days Laura had been a free
woman once more. During this time, she had experienced first,
two or three days of triumph, excitement, congratulations,
a sort of sunburst of gladness, after a long night
of gloom and anxiety; then two or three days of calming
down, by degrees a receding of tides,
a quieting of the storm-wash to a murmurous surf-beat,
a diminishing of devastating winds to a refrain that
bore the spirit of a truce-days given to solitude,
rest, self-communion, and the reasoning of herself
into a realization of the fact that she was actually
done with bolts and bars, prison, horrors and impending,
death; then came a day whose hours filed slowly by
her, each laden with some remnant, some remaining
fragment of the dreadful time so lately ended a
day which, closing at last, left the past a fading
shore behind her and turned her eyes toward the broad
sea of the future. So speedily do we put the
dead away and come back to our place in the ranks to
march in the pilgrimage of life again.
And now the sun rose once more and
ushered in the first day of what Laura comprehended
and accepted as a new life.
The past had sunk below the horizon,
and existed no more for her; she was done with it
for all time. She was gazing out over the trackless
expanses of the future, now, with troubled eyes.
Life must be begun again at eight and
twenty years of age. And where to begin?
The page was blank, and waiting for its first record;
so this was indeed a momentous day.
Her thoughts drifted back, stage by
stage, over her career. As far as the long highway
receded over the plain of her life, it was lined with
the gilded and pillared splendors of her ambition all
crumbled to ruin and ivy-grown; every milestone marked
a disaster; there was no green spot remaining anywhere
in memory of a hope that had found its fruition; the
unresponsive earth had uttered no voice of flowers
in testimony that one who was blest had gone that
road.
Her life had been a failure.
That was plain, she said. No more of that.
She would now look the future in the face; she would
mark her course upon the chart of life, and follow
it; follow it without swerving, through rocks and
shoals, through storm and calm, to a haven of rest
and peace or shipwreck. Let the end be what
it might, she would mark her course now to-day and
follow it.
On her table lay six or seven notes.
They were from lovers; from some of the prominent
names in the land; men whose devotion had survived
even the grisly revealments of her character which
the courts had uncurtained; men who knew her now,
just as she was, and yet pleaded as for their lives
for the dear privilege of calling the murderess wife.
As she read these passionate, these
worshiping, these supplicating missives, the woman
in her nature confessed itself; a strong yearning
came upon her to lay her head upon a loyal breast and
find rest from the conflict of life, solace for her
griefs, the healing of love for her bruised heart.
With her forehead resting upon her
hand, she sat thinking, thinking, while the unheeded
moments winged their flight. It was one of those
mornings in early spring when nature seems just stirring
to a half consciousness out of a long, exhausting
lethargy; when the first faint balmy airs go wandering
about, whispering the secret of the coming change;
when the abused brown grass, newly relieved of snow,
seems considering whether it can be worth the trouble
and worry of contriving its green raiment again only
to fight the inevitable fight with the implacable
winter and be vanquished and buried once more; when
the sun shines out and a few birds venture forth and
lift up a forgotten song; when a strange stillness
and suspense pervades the waiting air. It is
a time when one’s spirit is subdued and sad,
one knows not why; when the past seems a storm-swept
desolation, life a vanity and a burden, and the future
but a way to death. It is a time when one is
filled with vague longings; when one dreams of flight
to peaceful islands in the remote solitudes of the
sea, or folds his hands and says, What is the use of
struggling, and toiling and worrying any more? let
us give it all up.
It was into such a mood as this that
Laura had drifted from the musings which the letters
of her lovers had called up. Now she lifted her
head and noted with surprise how the day had wasted.
She thrust the letters aside, rose up and went and
stood at the window. But she was soon thinking
again, and was only gazing into vacancy.
By and by she turned; her countenance
had cleared; the dreamy look was gone out of her face,
all indecision had vanished; the poise of her head
and the firm set of her lips told that her resolution
was formed. She moved toward the table with all
the old dignity in her carriage, and all the old pride
in her mien. She took up each letter in its turn,
touched a match to it and watched it slowly consume
to ashes. Then she said:
“I have landed upon a foreign
shore, and burned my ships behind me. These letters
were the last thing that held me in sympathy with any
remnant or belonging of the old life. Henceforth
that life and all that appertains to it are as dead
to me and as far removed from me as if I were become
a denizen of another world.”
She said that love was not for her the
time that it could have satisfied her heart was gone
by and could not return; the opportunity was lost,
nothing could restore it. She said there could
be no love without respect, and she would only despise
a man who could content himself with a thing like
her. Love, she said, was a woman’s first
necessity: love being forfeited; there was but
one thing left that could give a passing zest to a
wasted life, and that was fame, admiration, the applause
of the multitude.
And so her resolution was taken.
She would turn to that final resort of the disappointed
of her sex, the lecture platform. She would array
herself in fine attire, she would adorn herself with
jewels, and stand in her isolated magnificence before
massed, audiences and enchant them with her eloquence
and amaze them with her unapproachable beauty.
She would move from city to city like a queen of
romance, leaving marveling multitudes behind her and
impatient multitudes awaiting her coming. Her
life, during one hour of each day, upon the platform,
would be a rapturous intoxication and when
the curtain fell; and the lights were out, and the
people gone, to nestle in their homes and forget her,
she would find in sleep oblivion of her homelessness,
if she could, if not she would brave out the night
in solitude and wait for the next day’s hour
of ecstasy.
So, to take up life and begin again
was no great evil. She saw her way. She
would be brave and strong; she would make the best
of, what was left for her among the possibilities.
She sent for the lecture agent, and
matters were soon arranged.
Straightway, all the papers were filled
with her name, and all the dead walls flamed with
it. The papers called down imprecations upon
her head; they reviled her without stint; they wondered
if all sense of decency was dead in this shameless
murderess, this brazen lobbyist, this heartless seducer
of the affections of weak and misguided men; they implored
the people, for the sake of their pure wives, their
sinless daughters, for the sake of decency, for the
sake of public morals, to give this wretched creature
such a rebuke as should be an all-sufficient evidence
to her and to such as her, that there was a limit
where the flaunting of their foul acts and opinions
before the world must stop; certain of them, with a
higher art, and to her a finer cruelty, a sharper torture,
uttered no abuse, but always spoke of her in terms
of mocking eulogy and ironical admiration. Everybody
talked about the new wonder, canvassed the theme of
her proposed discourse, and marveled how she would
handle it.
Laura’s few friends wrote to
her or came and talked with her, and pleaded with
her to retire while it was yet time, and not attempt
to face the gathering storm. But it was fruitless.
She was stung to the quick by the comments of the
newspapers; her spirit was roused, her ambition was
towering, now. She was more determined than ever.
She would show these people what a hunted and persecuted
woman could do.
The eventful night came. Laura
arrived before the great lecture hall in a close carriage
within five minutes of the time set for the lecture
to begin. When she stepped out of the vehicle
her heart beat fast and her eyes flashed with exultation:
the whole street was packed with people, and she could
hardly force her way to the hall! She reached
the ante-room, threw off her wraps and placed herself
before the dressing-glass. She turned herself
this way and that everything was satisfactory,
her attire was perfect. She smoothed her hair,
rearranged a jewel here and there, and all the while
her heart sang within her, and her face was radiant.
She had not been so happy for ages and ages, it seemed
to her. Oh, no, she had never been so overwhelmingly
grateful and happy in her whole life before.
The lecture agent appeared at the door. She
waved him away and said:
“Do not disturb me. I
want no introduction. And do not fear for me;
the moment the hands point to eight I will step upon
the platform.”
He disappeared. She held her
watch before her. She was so impatient that
the second-hand seemed whole tedious minutes dragging
its way around the circle. At last the supreme
moment came, and with head erect and the bearing of
an empress she swept through the door and stood upon
the stage. Her eyes fell upon only a vast, brilliant
emptiness there were not forty people in
the house! There were only a handful of coarse
men and ten or twelve still coarser women, lolling
upon the benches and scattered about singly and in
couples.
Her pulses stood still, her limbs
quaked, the gladness went out of her face. There
was a moment of silence, and then a brutal laugh and
an explosion of cat-calls and hisses saluted her from
the audience. The clamor grew stronger and louder,
and insulting speeches were shouted at her.
A half-intoxicated man rose up and threw something,
which missed her but bespattered a chair at her side,
and this evoked an outburst of laughter and boisterous
admiration. She was bewildered, her strength
was forsaking her. She reeled away from the
platform, reached the ante-room, and dropped helpless
upon a sofa. The lecture agent ran in, with a
hurried question upon his lips; but she put forth her
hands, and with the tears raining from her eyes, said:
“Oh, do not speak! Take
me away-please take me away, out of this. dreadful
place! Oh, this is like all my life failure,
disappointment, misery always misery, always
failure. What have I done, to be so pursued!
Take me away, I beg of you, I implore you!”
Upon the pavement she was hustled
by the mob, the surging masses roared her name and
accompanied it with every species of insulting epithet;
they thronged after the carriage, hooting, jeering,
cursing, and even assailing the vehicle with missiles.
A stone crushed through a blind, wounding Laura’s
forehead, and so stunning her that she hardly knew
what further transpired during her flight.
It was long before her faculties were
wholly restored, and then she found herself lying
on the floor by a sofa in her own sitting-room, and
alone. So she supposed she must have sat down
upon the sofa and afterward fallen. She raised
herself up, with difficulty, for the air was chilly
and her limbs were stiff. She turned up the gas
and sought the glass. She hardly knew herself,
so worn and old she looked, and so marred with blood
were her features. The night was far spent, and
a dead stillness reigned. She sat down by her
table, leaned her elbows upon it and put her face
in her hands.
Her thoughts wandered back over her
old life again and her tears flowed unrestrained.
Her pride was humbled, her spirit was broken.
Her memory found but one resting place; it lingered
about her young girlhood with a caressing regret;
it dwelt upon it as the one brief interval of her life
that bore no curse. She saw herself again in
the budding grace of her twelve years, decked in her
dainty pride of ribbons, consorting with the bees
and the butterflies, believing in fairies, holding
confidential converse with the flowers, busying herself
all day long with airy trifles that were as weighty
to her as the affairs that tax the brains of diplomats
and emperors. She was without sin, then, and
unacquainted with grief; the world was full of sunshine
and her heart was full of music. From that to
this!
“If I could only die!”
she said. “If I could only go back, and
be as I was then, for one hour and hold
my father’s hand in mine again, and see all
the household about me, as in that old innocent time and
then die! My God, I am humbled, my pride is all
gone, my stubborn heart repents have pity!”
When the spring morning dawned, the
form still sat there, the elbows resting upon the
table and the face upon the hands. All day long
the figure sat there, the sunshine enriching its costly
raiment and flashing from its jewels; twilight came,
and presently the stars, but still the figure remained;
the moon found it there still, and framed the picture
with the shadow of the window sash, and flooded, it
with mellow light; by and by the darkness swallowed
it up, and later the gray dawn revealed it again;
the new day grew toward its prime, and still the forlorn
presence was undisturbed.
But now the keepers of the house had
become uneasy; their periodical knockings still finding
no response, they burst open the door.
The jury of inquest found that death
had resulted from heart disease, and was instant and
painless. That was all. Merely heart disease.