It was to me continuously a matter
of satisfaction and of interest to see Hortense disturbed-whether
for causes real or imaginary-about the
security of her title to her lover John, nor can I
say that my misinterpreted bunch of roses diminished
this satisfaction. I should have been glad to
know if the accomplished young woman had further probed
that question and discovered the truth, but it seemed
scarce likely that she could do this without the help
of one of three persons, Eliza and myself who knew
all, or John who knew nothing; for the up-country
bride, and whatever other people in Kings Port there
were to whom the bride might gayly recite the tale
of my roses, were none of them likely to encounter
Miss Rieppe; their paths and hers would not meet until
they met in church at the wedding of Hortense and John.
No, she could not have found out the truth; for never
in the world would she, at this eleventh hour, risk
a conversation with John upon a subject so full of
well-packed explosives; and so she must be simply keeping
on both him and Eliza an eye as watchful as lay in
her power. As for Charley, what bait, what persuasion,
what duress she had been able to find that took him
at an hour so critical from her side to New York, I
could not in the least conjecture. Had she said
to the little banker, Go, because I must think it
over alone? It did not seem strong enough.
Or had she said, Go, and on your return you shall have
my answer? Not adequate either, I thought.
Or had it been, If you don’t go, it shall be
“no,” to-day and forever? This last
was better; but there was no telling, nor did Beverly
Rodgers, to whom I propounded all my theories, have
any notion of what was between Hortense and Charley.
He only knew that Charley was quite aware of the existence
of John, but had always been merely amused at the
notion of him.
“So have you been merely amused,” I reminded
him.
“Not since that look I saw her
give him, old chap. I know she wants him, only
not why she wants him. And Charley, you know-well,
of course, poor Charley’s a banker, just a banker
and no more; and a banker is merely the ace in the
same pack where the drummer is the two-spot. Our
American civilization should be called Drummer’s
Delight-and there’s nothing in your
fire-eater to delight a drummer - he’s a
gentleman, he’ll be only so-so rich, and he’s
away back out of the lime-light, while poor old Charley’s
a bounder, and worth forty millions anyhow, and right
in the centre of the glare. How should he see
any danger in John?”
“I wonder if he hasn’t begun to?”
“Well, perhaps. He and
Hortense have been ‘talking business’;
I know that. Oh-and why do you think
she said he must go to New York? To make a better
deal for the fire-eater’s phosphates than his
fuddling old trustee here was going to close with.
Charley said that could be arranged by telegram.
But she made him go himself! She’s extraordinary.
He’ll arrive in town to-morrow, he’ll leave
next day, he’ll reach here by the Southern on
Saturday night in time for our Sunday yacht picnic,
and then something has got to happen, I should think.”
Here was another key, unlocking a
further piece of knowledge for me. I had not
been able to guess why Hortense should be keeping Charley
“on”; but how natural was this policy,
when understood clearly! She still needed Charley’s
influence in the world of affairs. Charley’s
final service was to be the increasing of his successful
rival’s fortune. I wondered what Charley
would do, when the full extent of his usefulness dawned
upon him; and with wonder renewed I thought of General
Rieppe, and this daughter he had managed to beget.
Surely the mother of Hortense, whoever she may have
been, must have been a very richly endowed character!
“Something has most certainly
got to happen and soon,” I said to Beverly Rodgers.
“Especially if my busy boarding-house bodies
are right in saying that the invitations for the wedding
are to be out on Monday.”
Well, I had Friday, I had Udolpho;
and there, while on that excursion, when I should
be alone with John Mayrant during many hours, and
especially the hours of deep, confidential night, I
swore to myself on oath I would say to the boy the
last word, up to the verge of offense, that my wits
could devise. Apart from a certain dramatic excitement
as of battle-battle between Hortense and
me-I truly wished to help him out of the
miserable mistake his wrong standard, his chivalry
gone perverted, was spurring him on to make; and I
had a comic image of myself, summoning Miss Josephine,
summoning Miss Eliza, summoning Mrs. Gregory and Mrs.
Weguelin, and the whole company of aunts and cousins,
and handing to them the rescued John with the single
but sufficient syllable - “There!”
He was in apparent spirits, was John,
at that hour of our departure for Udolpho; he pretended
so well that I was for a while altogether deceived.
He had wished to call for me with the conveyance in
which he should drive us out into the lonely country
through the sunny afternoon; but instead, I chose
to walk round to where he lived, and where I found
him stuffing beneath the seats of the vehicle the baskets
and the parcels which contained the provisions for
our ample supper.
“I have never seen you drink
hearty yet, and now I purpose to,” said John.
As the packing was finishing Miss
Josephine St. Michael came by; and the sight of the
erect old lady reminded me that of all Kings Port figures
known to me and seen in the garden paying their visit
of ceremony to Hortense, she alone-she
and Eliza La Heu-had been absent. Eliza’s
declining to share in that was well-nigh inevitable,
but Miss Josephine was another matter. Perhaps
she had considered her sister’s going there
to be enough; at any rate, she had not been party to
the surrender, and this gave me whimsical satisfaction.
Moreover, it had evidently occasioned no ruffle in
the affectionate relations between herself and John.
“John,” said she, “as you drive
by, do get me a plumber.”
“Much better get a burglar,
Aunt Josephine. Cheaper in the end, and neater
work.”
It was thus, at the outset, that I
came to believe John’s spirits were high; and
this illusion he successfully kept up until after we
had left the plumber and Kings Port several sordid
miles behind us; the approach to Kings Port this way
lies through dirtiest Africa. John was loquacious;
John discoursed upon the Replacers; Mrs. Weguelin St.
Michael had quite evidently expressed to her own circle
what she thought of them; and the town in consequence,
although it did not see them or their automobiles,
because it appeared they were gone some twenty miles
inland upon an excursion to a resort where was a large
hotel, and a little variety in the way of some tourists
of the Replacer stripe,-the town kept them
well in its mind’s eye. The automobiles
would have sufficed to bring them into disrepute,
but Kings Port had a better reason in their conduct
in the church; and John found many things to say to
me, as we drove along, about Bohm and Charley and Kitty.
Gazza he forgot, although, as shall appear in its
place, Gazza was likely to live a long while in his
memory. Beverly Rodgers he, of course, recognized
as being a gentleman-it was clear that Beverly
met with Kings Port’s approval-and,
from his Newport experiences, John was able to make
out quite as well as if he had heard Beverly explain
it himself the whole wise philosophic system of joining
with the Replacers in order that you be not replaced
yourself.
“In his shoes mightn’t
I do the same?” he surmised. “I fear
I’m not as Spartan as my aunts-only
pray don’t mention it to them!”
And then, because I had been answering
him with single syllables, or with nods, or not at
all, he taxed me with my taciturnity; he even went
so far as to ask me what thoughts kept me so silent-which
I did not tell him.
“I am wondering,” I told
him instead, “how much they steal every week.”
“Those financiers?”
“Yes. Bohm is president
of an insurance company, and Charley’s a director,
and reorganizes railroads.”
“Well, if other people share
your pleasant opinion of them, how do they get elected?”
“Other people share their pleasant
spoils-senators, vestrymen-you
can’t be sure who you’re sitting next to
at dinner any more. Come live North. You’ll
find the only safe way is never to know anybody worth
more than five millions-if you wish to
keep the criminal classes off your visiting list.”
This made him merry. “Put ’em in
jail, then!”
“Ah, the jail!” I returned.
“It’s the great American joke. It
reverses the rule of our smart society. Only
those who have no incomes are admitted.”
“But what do you have laws and lawyers for?”
“To keep the rich out of jail. It’s
called ‘professional etiquette.’”
“Your picture flatters!”
“You flatter me; it’s only a photograph.
Come North and see.”
“One might think, from your
account, the American had rather be bad than good.”
“O dear, no! The American had much rather
be good than bad!”
“Your admission amazes me!”
“But also the American had rather
be rich than good. And he is having his wish.
And money’s golden hand is tightening on the
throat of liberty while the labor union stabs liberty
in the back-for trusts and unions are both
trying to kill liberty. And the soul of Uncle
Sam has turned into a dollar-inside his great, big,
strong, triumphant flesh; so that even his new religion,
his own special invention, his last offering to the
creeds of the world, his gatherer of converted hordes,
his Christian Science, is based upon physical benefit.”
John touched the horses. “You’re
particularly cheerful to-day!”
“No. I merely summarize what I’m
seeing.”
“Well, a moral awakening will come,” he
declared.
“Inevitably. To-morrow,
perhaps. The flesh has had a good, long, prosperous
day, and the hour of the spirit must be near striking.
And the moral awakening will be followed by a moral
slumber, since, in the uncomprehended scheme of things,
slumber seems necessary; and you needn’t pull
so long a face, Mr. Mayrant, because the slumber will
be followed by another moral awakening. The alcoholic
society girl you don’t like will very probably
give birth to a water-drinking daughter-who
in her turn may produce a bibulous progeny - how
often must I tell you that nothing is final?”
John Mayrant gave the horses a somewhat
vicious lash after these last words of mine; and,
as he made no retort to them, we journeyed some little
distance in silence through the mild, enchanting light
of the sun. My deliberate allusion to alcoholic
girls had made plain what I had begun to suspect.
I could now discern that his cloak of gayety had fallen
from him, leaving bare the same harassed spirit, the
same restless mood, which had been his upon the last
occasion when we had talked at length together upon
some of the present social and political phases of
our republic-that day of the New Bridge
and the advent of Hortense. Only, upon that day,
he had by his manner in some subtle fashion conveyed
to me a greater security in my discretion than I felt
him now to entertain. His many observations about
the Replacers, with always the significant and conspicuous
omission of Hortense, proved more and more, as I thought
it over, that his state was unsteady. Even now,
he did not long endure silence between us; yet the
eagerness which he threw into our discussions did
not, it seemed to me, so much proceed from present
interest in their subjects (though interest there was
at times) as from anxiety lest one particular subject,
ever present with him, should creep in unawares.
So much I, at any rate, concluded, and bided my time
for the creeping in unawares, content meanwhile to
parry some of the reproaches which he now and again
cast at me with an earnestness real or feigned.
We had made now considerable progress,
and were come to a space of sand and cabins and intersecting
railroad tracks, where freight cars and locomotives
stood, and negroes of all shapes, but of one lowering
and ragged appearance, lounged and stared.
“There used to be a murder here
about once a day,” said John, “before
the dispensary system. Now, it is about once a
week.”
“That law is of benefit, then?” I inquired.
“To those who drink the whiskey,
possibly; certainly to those who sell it!” And
he condensed for me the long story of the state dispensary,
which in brief appeared to be that South Carolina had
gone into the liquor business. The profits were
to pay for compulsory education; the liquor was to
be pure; society and sobriety were to be advanced:
such had been the threefold promise, of which the
threefold fulfillment was-defeat of the
compulsory education bill, a political monopoly enriching
favored distillers, “and lately,” said
John, “a thoroughly democratic whiskey for the
plain people. Pay ten cents for a bottle of X,
if you’re curious. It may not poison you-but
the murders are coming up again.”
“What a delightful example of
government ownership!” I exclaimed.
But John in Kings Port was not in
the way of hearing that cure-all policy discussed,
and I therefore explained it to him. He did not
seem to grasp my explanation.
“I don’t see how it would
change anything,” he remarked, “beyond
switching the stealing from one set of hands to another.”
I put on a face of concern. “What?
You don’t believe in our patent American short-cuts?”
“Short-cuts?”
“Certainly. Short-cuts
to universal happiness, universal honesty, universal
everything. For instance - Don’t make
a boy study four years for a college degree; just
cut the time in half, and you’ve got a short-cut
to education. Write it down that man is equal.
That settles it. You’ll notice how equal
he is at once. Write it down that the negro shall
vote. You’ll observe how instantly he is
fit for the suffrage. Now they want it written
down that government shall take all the wicked corporations,
because then corruption will disappear from the face
of the earth. You’ll find the farmers presently
having it written down that all hens must hatch their
eggs in a week, and next, a league of earnest women
will advocate a Constitutional amendment that men only
shall bring forth children. Oh, we Americans
are very thorough!” And I laughed.
But John’s face was not gay.
“Well,” he mused, “South Carolina
took a short-cut to pure liquor and sober citizens-and
reached instead a new den of thieves. Is the
whole country sick?”
“Sick to the marrow, my friend;
but young and vigorous still. A nation in its
long life has many illnesses before the one it dies
of. But we shall need some strong medicine if
we do not get well soon.”
“What kind?”
“Ah, that’s beyond any
one! And we have several things the matter with
us-as bad a case, for example, of complacency
as I’ve met in history. Complacency’s
a very dangerous disease, seldom got rid of without
the purge of a great calamity. And worse, where
does our dishonesty begin, and where end? The
boy goes to college, and there in football it awaits
him; he graduates, and in the down-town office it smirks
at him; he rises into the confidence of his superiors,
the town’s chief citizens, and finds their gray
hairs crowned with it,-the very men he has
looked up to, believed in, his ideals, his examples,
the merchant prince, the railroad magnate, the president
of insurance companies-all dirty rascals!
Presently he faces worldly success or failure, and
then, in the new ocean of mind that has swallowed
morals up, he sinks with his isolated honesty, like
a fool, or swims to respectability with his brother
knaves. And into this mess the immigrant sewage
of Europe is steadily pouring. Such is our continent
to-day, with all its fair winds and tides and fields
favorable to us, and only our shallow, complacent,
dishonest selves against us! But don’t let
these considerations make you gloomy; for (I must
say it again) nothing is final; and even if we rot
before we ripen-which would be a wholly
novel phenomenon-we shall have made our
contribution to mankind in demonstrating by our collapse
that the sow’s ear belongs with the rest of
the animal, and not in the voting booth or the legislature,
and that the doctrine of universal suffrage should
have waited until men were born honest and equal.
That in itself would be a memorable service to have
rendered.”
We had come into the divine, sad stillness
of the woods, where the warm sunlight shone through
the gray moss, lighting the curtained solitudes away
and away into the depths of the golden afternoon; and
somewhere amid the miles of sleeping wilderness sounded
the hoarse honk of the automobile. The Replacers
were abroad, enjoying what they could in this country
where they did not belong, and which did not as yet
belong to them. Once again we heard their honk
off to our left, from a farther distance, and I am
glad to say that we did not see them at all.
“If,” said John Mayrant,
“what you have said is true, the nation had
better get on its knees and pray God to give it grace.”
I looked at the boy and saw that his
countenance had grown very fine. “The act,”
I said, “would bring grace, wherever it comes
from.”
“Yes,” he assented.
“If in the stars and awfulness of space there’s
nothing, that does not trouble me; for my greater self
is inside me, safe. And our country has a greater
self somewhere. Think!”
“I do not have to think,”
I replied, “when I know the nobleness we have
risen to at times.”
“And I,” he pursued, “happen
to believe it is not all only stars and space; and
that God, as much as any ship-builder, rejoices to
watch every tiniest boat meet and brave the storm.”
Out of his troubles he had brought
such mood, sweetness instead of bitterness; he was
saying as plainly as if his actual words said it,
“Misfortune has come to me, and I am going to
make the best of it.” His nobleness, his
moral elegance, compelled him to this, and I envied
him, not sure if I myself, thus placed, would acquit
myself so well. And there was in his sweetness
a contagion that strangely reconciled me to the troubled
aspects of our national hour. I thought, “Invisible
among our eighty millions there is a quiet legion
living untainted in the depths, while the yellow rich,
the prismatic scum and bubbles, boil on the surface.”
Yes, he had accidentally helped me, and I wished doubly
that I might help him. It was well enough he should
feel he must not shirk his duty, but how much better
if he could be led to see that marrying where he did
not love was no duty of his.
I knew what I had to say to him, but lacked the beginning of
it; and of this beginning I was in search as we drove up among the live-oaks of
Udolpho to the little club-house, or hunting lodge, where a negro and his wife
received us, and took the baskets and set about preparing supper. My
beginning sat so heavily upon my attention that I took scant notice of Udolpho
as we walked about its adjacent grounds in the twilight before supper, and John
Mayrant pointed out to me its fine old trees, its placid stream, and bade me
admire the snug character of the hunting lodge, buried away for bachelors
delights deep in the heart of the pleasant forest. I heard him indulging
in memories and anecdotes of date sittings after long hunts; but I was myself
always on a hunt for my beginning, and none of his words clearly reached my
intelligence until I was aware of his reciting an excellently pertinent
couplet:-
“If
you would hold your father’s land,
You
must wash your throat before your hand-
and found myself standing by the lodge
table, upon which he had set two glasses, containing,
I soon ascertained, gin, vermouth, orange bitters,
and a cherry at the bottom-all which he
had very skillfully mingled himself in the happiest
proportions.
“The poetry,” he remarked,
“is hereditary in my family;” and setting
down the empty glasses we also washed our hands.
A moon half-grown looked in at the window from the
filmy darkness, and John, catching sight of it, paused
with the wet soap in his hand and stared out at the
dimly visible trees. “Oh, the times, the
times!” he murmured to himself, gazing long;
and then with a sort of start he returned to the present
moment, and rinsed and dried his hands. Presently
we were sitting at the table, pledging each other
in well-cooled champagne; and it was not long after
this that not only the negro who waited on us was plainly
reveling in John’s remarks, but also the cook,
with her bandannaed ebony head poked round the corner
of the kitchen door, was doing her utmost to lose
no word of this entertainment. For John, taking
up the young and the old, the quick and the dead,
of masculine Kings Port, proceeded to narrate their
private exploits, until by coffee-time he had unrolled
for me the richest tapestry of gayeties that I remember,
and I sat without breath, tearful and aching, while
the two negroes had retired far into the kitchen to
muffle their emotions.
“Tom, oh Tom! you Tom!”
called John Mayrant; and after the man had come from
the kitchen - “You may put the punch-bowl
and things on the table, and clear away and go to
bed. My Great-uncle Marston Chartain,” he
continued to me, “was of eccentric taste, and
for the last twenty years of his life never had anybody
to dinner but the undertaker.” He paused
at this point to mix the punch, and then resumed:
“But for all that, he appears to have been a
lively old gentleman to the end, and left us his version
of a saying which is considered by some people an improvement
on the original, ‘Cherchez la femme.’
Uncle Marston had it, ’Hunt the other woman.’
Don’t go too fast with that punch; it isn’t
as gentle as it seems.”
But John and his Uncle Marston had
between them given me my beginning, and, as I sat
sipping my punch, I ceased to hear the anecdotes which
followed. I sat sipping and smoking, and was presently
aware of the deepening silence of the night, and of
John no longer at the table, but by the window, looking
out into the forest, and muttering once more, “Oh,
the times, the times!”
“It’s always a triangle,” I began.
He turned round from his window.
“Triangle?” He looked at my glass of punch,
and then at me. “Go easy with the Bombo,”
he repeated.
“Bombo?” I echoed.
“You call this Bombo? You don’t
know how remarkable that is, but that’s because
you don’t know Aunt Carola, who is very remarkable,
too. Well, never mind her now. Point is,
it’s always a triangle.”
“I haven’t a doubt of it,” he replied.
“There you’re right.
And so was your uncle. He knew. Triangle.”
Here I found myself nodding portentously at John,
and beating the table with my finger very solemnly.
He stood by his window seeming to
wait for me. And now everything in the universe
grew perfectly clear to me; I rose on mastering tides
of thought, and all problems lay disposed of at my
feet, while delicious strength and calm floated in
my brain and being. Nothing was difficult for
me. But I was getting away from the triangle,
and there was John waiting at the window, and I mustn’t
say too much, mustn’t say too much. My
will reached out and caught the triangle and brought
it close, and I saw it all perfectly clear again.
“What are they all,” I
said, “the old romances? You take Paris
and Helen and Menelaus. What’s that?
You take Launcelot and Arthur and Guinevere.
You take Paola and Francesca and her husband, what’s-his-name,
or Tristram and Iseult and Mark. Two men, one
woman. Triangle and trouble. Other way around
you get Tannhauser and Venus and Elizabeth; two women,
one man; more triangle and more trouble. Yes.”
And I nodded at him again. The tide of my thought
was pulling me hard away from this to other important
world-problems, but my will held, struggling, and I
kept to it.
“You wait,” I told him.
“I know what I mean. Trouble is, so hard
to advise him right.”
“Advise who right?” inquired John Mayrant.
It helped me wonderfully. My
will gripped my floating thoughts and held them to
it. “Friend of mine in trouble; though why
he asks me when I’m not married-I’d
be married now, you know, but afraid of only one wife.
Man doesn’t love twice; loves thrice, four, six,
lots of times; but they say only one wife. Ought
to be two, anyhow. Much easier for man to marry
then.”
“Wouldn’t it be rather immoral?”
John asked.
“Morality is queer thing.
Like kaleidoscope. New patterns all the time.
Abraham and wives-perfectly respectable.
You take Pharaohs-or kings of that sort-married
own sisters. All right then. Perfectly horrible
now, of course. But you ask men about two wives.
They’d say something to be said for that idea.
Only there are the women, you know. They’d
never. But I’m going to tell my friend
he’s doing wrong. Going to write him to-night.
Where’s ink?”
“It won’t go to-night,”
said John. “What are you going to tell him?”
“Going to tell him, since only
one wife, wicked not to break his engagement.”
John looked at me very hard, as he
stood by the window, leaning on the sill. But
my will was getting all the while a stronger hold,
and my thoughts were less and less inclined to stray
to other world-problems; moreover, below the confusion
that still a little reigned in them was the primal
cunning of the old Adam, the native man, quite untroubled
and alert-it saw John’s look at me
and it prompted my course.
“Yes,” I said. “He
wants the truth from me. Where’s his letter?
No harm reading you without names.” And
I fumbled in my pocket.
“Letter gone. Never mind.
Facts are - friend’s asked girl. Girl’s
said yes. Now he thinks he’s bound by that.”
“He thinks right,” said John.
“Not a bit of it. You take
Tannhauser. Engagement to Venus all a mistake.
Perfectly proper to break it. Much more than proper.
Only honorable thing he could do. I’m going
to write it to him. Where’s ink?”
And I got up.
John came from his window and sat
down at the table. His glass was empty, his cigar
gone out, and he looked at me. But I looked round
the room for the ink, noting in my search the big
fireplace, simple, wooden, unornamented, but generous,
and the plain plaster walls of the lodge, whereon
hung two or three old prints of gamebirds; and all
the while I saw John out of the corner of my eye,
looking at me.
He spoke first. “Your friend
has given his word to a lady; he must stand by it
like a gentleman.
“Lot of difference,” I
returned, still looking round the room, “between
spirit and letter. If his heart has broken the
word, his lips can’t make him a gentleman.”
John brought his fist down on the
table. “He had no business to get engaged
to her! He must take the consequences.”
That blow of the fist on the table
brought my thoughts wholly clear and fixed on the
one subject; my will had no longer to struggle with
them, they worked of themselves in just the way that
I wanted them to do.
“If he’s a gentleman,
he must stand to his word,” John repeated, “unless
she releases him.”
I fumbled again for my letter.
“That’s just about what he says himself,”
I rejoined, sitting down. “He thinks he
ought to take the consequences.”
“Of course!” John Mayrant’s
face was very stern as he sat in judgment on himself.
“But why should she take the consequences?”
I asked.
“What consequences?”
“Being married to a man who
doesn’t want her, all her life, until death
them do part. How’s that? Having the
daily humiliation of his indifference, and the world’s
knowledge of his indifference. How’s that?
Perhaps having the further humiliation of knowing that
his heart belongs to another woman. How’s
that? That’s not what a girl bargains for.
His standing to his word is not an act of honor, but
a deception. And in talking about ‘taking
the consequences,’ he’s patting his personal
sacrifice on the back and forgetting all about her
and the sacrifice he’s putting her to.
What’s the brief suffering of a broken engagement
to that? No - the true consequences that a
man should shoulder for making such a mistake is the
poor opinion that society holds of him for placing
a woman in such a position; and to free her is the
most honorable thing he can do. Her dignity suffers
less so than if she were a wife chained down to perpetual
disregard.”
John, after a silence, said - “That is a
very curious view.”
“That is the view I shall give
my friend,” I answered. “I shall tell
him that in keeping on he is not at bottom honestly
thinking of the girl and her welfare, but of himself
and the public opinion he’s afraid of, if he
breaks his engagement. And I shall tell him that
if I’m in church and they come to the place
where they ask if any man knows just cause or impediment,
I shall probably call out, ’He does! His
heart’s not in it. This is not marriage
that he’s committing. You’re pronouncing
your blessing upon a fraud.’”
John sat now a long time silent, holding
his extinct cigar. The lamp was almost burned
dry; we had blown out the expiring candles some while
since. “That is a very curious view,”
he repeated. “I should like to hear what
your friend says in answer.”
This finished our late sitting.
We opened the door and went out for a brief space
into the night to get its pure breath into our lungs,
and look to the distant place where the moon had sailed.
Then we went to bed, or rather, I did; for the last
thing that I remembered was John, standing by the
window of our bedroom still dressed, looking out into
the forest.