Mr. Lovelace, to John Belford,
Esq.
Monday, June 5.
I am now almost in despair of succeeding
with this charming frost-piece by love or gentleness. A
copy of the draughts, as I told thee, has been sent
to Captain Tomlinson; and that by a special messenger.
Engrossments are proceeding with. I have been
again at the Commons. Should in all probability
have procured a license by Mallory’s means, had
not Mallory’s friend, the proctor, been suddenly
sent for to Chestnut, to make an old lady’s
will. Pritchard has told me by word of mouth,
though my charmer saw him not, all that was necessary
for her to know in the letter my Lord wrote, which
I could not show her: and taken my directions
about the estates to be made over to me on my nuptials. Yet,
with all these favourable appearances, no conceding
moment to be found, no improvable tenderness to be
raised.
But never, I believe, was there so
true, so delicate a modesty in the human mind as in
that of this lady. And this has been my security
all along; and, in spite of Miss Howe’s advice
to her, will be so still; since, if her delicacy be
a fault, she can no more overcome it than I can my
aversion to matrimony. Habit, habit, Jack, seest
thou not? may subject us both to weaknesses.
And should she not have charity for me, as I have
for her?
Twice indeed with rapture, which once
she called rude, did I salute her; and each time resenting
the freedom, did she retire; though, to do her justice,
she favoured me again with her presence at my first
entreaty, and took no notice of the cause of her withdrawing.
Is it policy to show so open a resentment
for innocent liberties, which, in her situation, she
must so soon forgive?
Yet the woman who resents not initiatory
freedoms must be lost. For love is an encroacher.
Love never goes backward. Love is always aspiring.
Always must aspire. Nothing but the highest act
of love can satisfy an indulged love. And what
advantages has a lover, who values not breaking the
peace, over his mistress who is solicitous to keep
it!
I have now at this instant wrought
myself up, for the dozenth time, to a half-resolution.
A thousand agreeable things I have to say to her.
She is in the dining-room. Just gone up.
She always expects me when there.
High displeasure! followed by an abrupt
departure.
I sat down by her. I took both
her hands in mine. I would have it so.
All gentle my voice. Her father mentioned with
respect. Her mother with reverence. Even
her brother amicably spoken of. I never thought
I could have wished so ardently, as I told her I did
wish, for a reconciliation with her family.
A sweet and grateful flush then overspread
her fair face; a gentle sigh now-and-then heaved her
handkerchief.
I perfectly longed to hear from Captain
Tomlinson. It was impossible for the uncle to
find fault with the draught of the settlements.
I would not, however, be understood, by sending them
down, that I intended to put it in her uncle’s
power to delay my happy day. When, when was it
to be?
I would hasten again to the Commons;
and would not return without the license.
The Lawn I proposed to retire to,
as soon as the happy ceremony was over. This
day and that day I proposed.
It was time enough to name the day,
when the settlements were completed, and the license
obtained. Happy should she be, could the kind
Captain Tomlinson obtain her uncle’s presence
privately.
A good hint! It may perhaps
be improved upon either for a delay or a
pacifier.
No new delays for Heaven’s sake,
I besought her; and reproached her gently for the
past. Name but the day (an early day,
I hoped it would be, in the following week) that
I might hail its approach, and number the tardy hours.
My cheek reclined on her shoulder kissing
her hands by turns. Rather bashfully than angrily
reluctant, her hands sought to be withdrawn; her shoulder
avoiding my reclined cheek apparently loth,
and more loth to quarrel with me; her downcast eye
confessing more than her lips can utter. Now
surely, thought I, is my time to try if she can forgive
a still bolder freedom than I had ever yet taken.
I then gave her struggling hands liberty.
I put one arm round her waist: I imprinted a
kiss on her sweet lip, with a Be quiet only, and an
averted face, as if she feared another.
Encouraged by so gentle a repulse,
the tenderest things I said; and then, with my other
hand, drew aside the handkerchief that concealed the
beauty of beauties, and pressed with my burning lips
the most charming breast that ever my ravished eyes
beheld.
A very contrary passion to that which
gave her bosom so delightful a swell, immediately
took place. She struggled out of my encircling
arms with indignation. I detained her reluctant
hand. Let me go, said she. I see there
is no keeping terms with you. Base encroacher!
Is this the design of your flattering speeches?
Far as matters have gone, I will for ever renounce
you. You have an odious heart. Let me go,
I tell you.
I was forced to obey, and she flung
from me, repeating base, and adding flattering, encroacher.
In vain have I urged by Dorcas for
the promised favour of dining with her. She would
not dine at all. She could not.
But why makes she every inch of her
person thus sacred? So near the time too,
that she must suppose, that all will be my own by deed
of purchase and settlement?
She has read, no doubt, of the art
of the eastern monarchs, who sequester themselves
from the eyes of their subjects, in order to excite
their adoration, when, upon some solemn occasions,
they think fit to appear in public.
But let me ask thee, Belford, whether
(on these solemn occasions) the preceding cavalcade;
here a greater officer, and there a great minister,
with their satellites, and glaring équipages;
do not prepare the eyes of the wondering beholders,
by degrees, to bear the blaze of canopy’d majesty
(what though but an ugly old man perhaps himself? yet)
glittering in the collected riches of his vast empire?
And should not my beloved, for her
own sake, descend, by degrees, from goddess-hood into
humanity? If it be pride that restrains her,
ought not that pride to be punished? If, as
in the eastern emperors, it be art as well as pride,
art is what she of all women need not use. If
shame, what a shame to be ashamed to communicate to
her adorer’s sight the most admirable of
her personal graces?
Let me perish, Belford, if I would
not forego the brightest diadem in the world, for
the pleasure of seeing a twin Lovelace at each charming
breast, drawing from it his first sustenance; the pious
task, for physical reasons, continued for one month
and no more!
I now, methinks, behold this most
charming of women in this sweet office: her conscious
eye now dropt on one, now on the other, with a sigh
of maternal tenderness, and then raised up to my delighted
eye, full of wishes, for the sake of the pretty varlets,
and for her own sake, that I would deign to legitimate;
that I would condescend to put on the nuptial fetters.