SWITCHING ARTS ON LEON

Oh, sure! We’re coming along grand. Did you think we’d be heavin’ the blue willow-ware at each other by this time? No. We’ve hardly displayed any before-breakfast dispositions yet.

Not that we confine ourselves to the coo vocabulary, or advertise any continuous turtle-dove act. Gettin’ married ain’t jellied our brains, I hope. Besides, we’re busy. I’ve got a new gilt-edged job to fill, you know; and Vee, she has one of her own, too.

Well, I can’t say that her scheme of runnin’ a Boots, Limited, has mesmerized all New York into havin’ its shoe-shinin’ done out. There’s something about this cloth top and white gaiter craze that’s puttin’ a crimp in her perfectly good plans. But she’s doin’ fairly well, and she don’t have to think up ways of killin’ time.

Course, we have a few other things to think about, too. Just learnin’ how to live in New York is a merry little game all by itself. That’s one of my big surprises. I’d thought all along it was so simple.

But say, we’ve been gettin’ wise to a few facts this last month or so, for we’ve been tryin’ to dope out which one of the forty-nine varieties of New York’s home-sweet-home repertoire was the kind for us. I don’t mean we’ve been changin’ our street number, or testin’ out different four-room-and-bath combinations. The studio apartment I got at a bargain suits first rate. It’s the meal proposition.

First off, we decides gay and reckless that we’ll breakfast and lunch in and take our dinners out. That listened well and seemed easy enough until Vee got to huntin’ up a two-handed, light-footed female party who could boil eggs without scorchin’ the shells, dish up such things as canned salmon with cream sauce, and put a few potatoes through the French fry process, doublin’ in bed-makin’ and dust-chasin’ durin’ her spare time. That shouldn’t call for any prize-winnin’ graduate from a cookin’ college, should it?

But say, the specimens that go in for general housework in this burg are a sad lot. I ain’t goin’ all through the list. I’ll just touch lightly on Bertha.

She was a cheerful soul, even when she was servin’ soggy potatoes or rappin’ me in the ear with her elbow as she reached across to fill my water glass.

“He-he! Haw-haw! Oxcuse, Mister,” was Bertha’s repartee for such little breaks.

Course, I could plead with her for the umpteenth time to try pourin’ from the button hand side, but it would have been simpler to have worn a head guard durin’ meals.

And who would have the heart to put the ban on a yodel that begins in our kitchenette at 7 A.M., even on cloudy mornin’s?

If Bertha had been N, or even N, she’d have had her passports handed her about the second mornin’; but, as she was the last of a punk half dozen, we tried not to mind her musical interludes. So at the end of three weeks her friendly relations with us were still unbroken, though most of the dishes were otherwise.

So you might have thought we’d been glad, when 6.30 P.M. came, to put on our things and join about a million or so other New Yorkers in findin’ a dinner joint where the cooks and waiters made no claim to havin’ an amateur standin’.

But, believe me, while my domestic instincts may be sproutin’ late, they’re comin’ strong. I’m beginnin’ to yearn for nourishment that I don’t have to learn the French for or pick off’m a menu. I’d like to eat without bein’ surrounded by three-chinned female parties with high blood pressure, or bein’ stared at by pop-eyed old sports who’re givin’ some kittenish cloak model a bright evenin’. And Vee feels more or less the same way.

“Besides,” says she, “I wish we could entertain some of our friends.”

“Just what I was wishin’,” says I. “Say, couldn’t we find a few simple things in the cook-book that Bertha couldn’t queer?”

“Such as canned baked beans and celery?” asks Vee, chucklin’. “And yet, if I stood by and read the directions to her who knows?”

“Let’s try her on the Piddies,” I suggests.

Well, we did. And if the potatoes had been cooked a little more and the roast a little less, it wouldn’t have been so bad. The olives were all right, even if Bertha did forget to serve ’em until she brought in the ice cream. But then, the Piddies are used to little slips like that, havin’ lived so long out in Jersey.

“You see,” explains Vee to me afterwards, “Bertha was a bit flurried over her first dinner-party. She isn’t much used to a gas oven, either. Don’t you think we might try another?”

“Sure!” says I. “What are friends for, anyway? How about askin’ Mr. and Mrs. Robert Ellins?”

“Oh, dear!” sighs Vee, lookin’ scared. Then she is struck with a bright idea. “I’ll tell you: we will rehearse the next one the night before.”

“Atta girl!” says I. “Swell thought.”

It was while she and Bertha was strugglin’ over the cook-book, and gettin’ advice from various sources, from housekeepin’ magazines to the janitor’s wife, that this Leon Battou party shows up with his sob hist’ry.

“Oh, Torchy!” Vee hails me with, as I come home from the office here the other evenin’. “What becomes of people when they’re dispossessed when they’re put out on the street with their things, you know?”

“Why,” says I, “they generally stay out until they can find a place where they can move in. Has anybody been threatenin’ to chuck us out for not ”

“Silly!” says she. “It’s the Battous.”

“Don’t know ’em,” says I.

“But surely,” goes on Vee, “you’ve seen him. He’s that funny little old Frenchman who’s always dodging in and out of the elevator with odd-looking parcels under his arm.”

“Oh, yes!” says I. “The one with the twinklin’ eyes and the curly iron-gray hair, who always bows so polite and shoots that bon-shure stuff at you. Him?”

It was.

It seems the agent had served notice on ’em that mornin’. They’d been havin’ a grand pow-wow over it in the lower vestibule, when Vee had come along and got mixed up in the debate. She’d seen Mrs. Battou doin’ the weep act on hubby’s shoulder while he was tryin’ to explain and makin’ all sorts of promises. I expect the agent had heard such tales before. Anyway, he was kind of rough with ’em at which Vee had sailed in and told him just what she thought.

“I’m sure you would have done the same, Torchy,” says she.

“I might,” says I, “if he hadn’t been too husky. But what now?”

“I told them not to worry a bit,” says Vee, “and that when you came home you would tell them what to do. You will, won’t you, Torchy?”

Course, there was only one real sensible answer to that. Who was I, to step in casual and ditch a court order? But say, when the only girl in the universe tackles you with the clingin’ clinch, hints that you’re a big, brainy hero who can handle any proposition that’s batted up to you well, that’s no time to be sensible.

“I’ll do any foolish little thing you name,” says I.

“Goody!” says Vee. “I just knew you would. We’ll go right up and ”

“Just a sec,” says I. “Maybe I’d better have a private talk with this Mr. Battou first off. Suppose you run up and jolly the old lady while he comes down here.”

She agrees to that, and three minutes later I’ve struck a pose which is sort of a cross between that of a justice of the supreme court and a bush league umpire, while M. Leon Battou is sittin’ on the edge of a chair opposite, conversin’ rapid with both hands and a pair of eloquent eyebrows.

“But consider, monsieur,” he’s sayin’. “Only because of owing so little! Can they not wait until I have found some good customers for my paintings?”

“Oh! Then you’re an artist, are you?”

“I have the honor,” says he. “I should be pleased to have you inspect some of my ”

“It wouldn’t help a bit,” says I. “All I know about art is that as a rule it don’t pay. Don’t you do anything else?”

He hunches his shoulders and spreads out both hands.

“It is true, what you say of art,” he goes on. “And so then I must do the decorating of walls the wreaths of roses on the ceiling. That was my profession when we lived at Peronne. But here there is trouble about the union. The greasy plumber will not work where I am, it seems. Eh bien! I am forced out. So I return to my landscapes. Are there not many rich Americans who pay well for such things?”

I waves him back into his chair.

“How’d you come to wander so far from this Peronne place?” says I.

“It was because of our son, Henri,” says he. “You see, he preferred to be as my father was, a chef. I began that way, too. The Battous always do a family of cooks. But I broke away. Henri would not. He became the pastry chef at the Hotel Gaspard in Peronne. And who shall say, too, that he was not an artist in his way? Yes, with a certain fame. At least, they heard here, in New York. You would not believe what they offered if he would leave Peronne. And after months of saying no he said yes. It was true. They paid as they promised more. So Henri sends for us to come also. We found him living like a prince. Truly! For more than three years we enjoyed his good fortune.

“And then la guerre! Henri must go to join his regiment. True, he might have stayed. But we talked not of that. It was for France. So he went, not to return. Ah, yes! At Ypres, after only three months in the trenches. Then I say to the little mother, ’Courage! I, Leon Battou, am still a painter. The art which has been as a pastime shall be made to yield us bread. You shall see.’ Ah, I believed then.”

“Nothing doing, eh?” says I.

Battou shakes his head.

“Well,” says I, “the surest bet just now would be to locate some wall-frescoin’. I’ll see what can be done along that line.”

“Ah, that is noble of you, young man,” exclaims Battou. “It is wonderful to find such a friend. A thousand thanks! I will tell the little mother that we are saved.”

With that he shakes me by both hands, gives me a bear hug, and rushes off.

Pretty soon Vee comes down with smiles in her eyes.

“I just knew you would find a way, Torchy,” says she. “You don’t know how happy you’ve made them. Now tell me all about it.”

And say, I couldn’t convince her I hadn’t done a blamed thing but shoot a little hot air, not after I’d nearly gone hoarse explainin’.

“Oh, but you will,” says she. “You’ll do something.”

Who could help tryin’, after that? I tackles the agent with a proposition that Battou should work out the back rent, but he’s a fish-eyed gink.

“Say,” he growls out past his cigar, “if we tried to lug along every panhandling artist that wanted to graft rent off us, we’d be in fine shape by the end of the year, wouldn’t we? Forget it.”

“How about his art stuff?” I asks Vee, when I got back.

“Oh, utterly hopeless,” says she. “But one can’t tell him so. He doesn’t know how bad it is. I suppose he is all right as a wall decorator. Do you know, Torchy, they must be in serious straits. Those two little rooms of theirs are almost bare, and I’m sure they’ve been living on cheese and crackers for days. What do you think I’ve done?”

“Sent ’em an anonymous ham by parcels post?” says I.

“No,” says Vee. “I’m going to have them down to-night for the rehearsal dinner.”

“Fine dope!” says I. “And if they survive bein’ practiced on ”

But Vee has skipped off to the kitchenette without waitin’ to hear the rest.

“Is this to be a reg’lar dress rehearsal?” I asks, when I comes home again. “Should I doll up regardless?”

Yes, she says I must. I was just strugglin’ into my dinner coat, too, when the bell rings. I expect Vee had forgot to tell ’em that six-forty-five was our reg’lar hour. And say, M. Leon was right there with the boulevard costume peg-top trousers, fancy vest, flowin’ tie, and a silk tile. As for Madame Battou, she’s all in gray and white.

I’d towed ’em into the studio, and was havin’ ’em shed their things, when Vee bounces in out of the kitchenette and announces impetuous:

“Oh, Torchy! We’ve made a mess of everything. That horrid leg of lamb won’t do anything but sozzle away in the pan; the string-beans have been scorched; and oh, goodness!”

She’d caught sight of our guests.

“Please don’t mind,” says Vee. “We’re not very good cooks, Bertha and I. We we’ve spoiled everything, I guess.”

She’s tryin’ to be cheerful over it. And she sure is a picture, standin’ there with a big apron coverin’ up most of her evenin’ dress, and her upper lip a bit trembly.

“Buck up, Vee,” says I. “Better luck next time. Chuck the whole shootin’ match into the discards, and we’ll all chase around to Roverti’s and ”

“Bother Roverti’s!” breaks in Vee. “Can’t we ever have a decent dinner in our own home? Am I too stupid for that? And there’s that perfectly gug-good l-l-l-leg of of ”

“Pardon,” says M. Battou, steppin’ to the front; “but perhaps, if you would permit, I might assist with with the lamb.”

It’s a novel idea, I admit. No wonder Vee gasps a little.

“Why not?” says I. “Course it ain’t reg’lar, but if Mr. Battou wants to do some expert coachin’, I expect you and Bertha could use it.”

“Do, Leon,” urges Madame Battou. “Lamb, is it? Oh, he is wonderful with lamb.”

She hadn’t overstated the case, either. Inside of two minutes he has his coat off, a bath towel draped over his fancy vest, and has sent Bertha skirmishin’ down the avenue for garlic, cloves, parsley, carrots, and a few other things that had been overlooked, it seems.

Well, we stands grouped around the kitchenette door for a while, watchin’ him resuscitate that pale-lookin’ leg of lamb, jab things into it, pour stuff over it, and mesmerize the gas oven into doin’ its full duty.

Once he gets started, he ain’t satisfied with simply turnin’ out the roast. He takes some string-beans and cuts ’em into shoelaces; he carves rosettes out of beets and carrots; he produces a swell salad out of nothing at all; and with a little flour and whipped cream he throws together some kind of puffy dessert that looked like it would melt in your mouth.

And by seven-thirty we was sittin’ down to a meal such as you don’t meet up with outside of some of them Fifth Avenue joints where you have to own a head waiter before they let you in.

“Whisper, Professor,” says I, “did you work a spell on it, or what?”

“Ah-h-h!” says Battou, chucklin’ and rubbin’ his hands together. “It is cooked a la Paysan, after the manner of Peronne, and with it is the sauce chateau.”

“That isn’t mere cookery,” says Vee; “that’s art.”

It was quite a cheery evenin’. And after the Battous had gone, Vee and I asked each other, almost in chorus: “Do you suppose he’d do it again?”

“He will if I’m any persuader,” says I. “Wouldn’t it be great to spring something like that on Mr. Robert?”

And while I’m shavin’ next mornin’ I connect with the big idea. Do you ever get ’em that way? It cost me a nick under the ear, but I didn’t care. While I’m usin’ the alum stick I sketches out the scheme for Vee.

“But, Torchy!” says she. “Do you think he would really?”

Before I can answer there’s a ring at the door, and here is M. Leon Battou.

“The agent once more!” says he, producin’ a paper. “In three days, it says. But you have found me the wall-painting, yes?”

“Professor,” says I, “I hate to say it, but there’s nothin’ doing in the free-hand fresco line absolutely.”

He slumps into a chair, and that pitiful, hunted look settles in his eyes.

“Then then we must go,” says he.

“Listen, Professor,” says I, pattin’ him soothin’ on the shoulder. “Why not can this art stuff, that nobody wants, and switch to somethin’ you’re a wizard at?”

“You you mean,” says he, “that I should should turn chef? I Leon Battou in a big noisy hotel kitchen? Oh, but I could not. No, I could not!”

“Professor,” says I, “the only person in this town that I know of who’s nutty enough to want to hire a wall decorator reg’lar is me!”

“You!” gasps Battou, starin’ around at our twelve by eighteen livin’-room.

I nods.

“What would you take it on for as a steady job?”

“Oh, anything that would provide for us,” says he, eager. “But how ”

“That’s just the point,” says I. “When you wasn’t paintin’ could you cook a little on the side? Officially you’d be a decorator, but between times Eh?”

He’s a keen one, Mr. Battou.

“For so charming young people,” says he, bowin’ low, “it would be a great pleasure. And the little mother ah, you should see what a manager she is! She can make a franc go farther. Could she assist also?”

“Could she!” exclaims Vee. “If she only would!”

Well, say, inside of half an hour we’d fixed up the whole deal, I’d armed Battou with a check to shove under the nose of that agent, and Vee had given Bertha her permanent release. And believe me, compared to what was put before Mr. and Mrs. Robert Ellins that evenin’, the dress rehearsal dinner looked like Monday night at an actors’ boardin’-house.

“I say,” whispers Mr. Robert, “your cook must be a real artist.”

“That’s how he’s carried on the family payroll,” says I.

“Of course,” says Vee afterwards, “while we can afford it, I suppose, it does seem scandalously extravagant for us to have cooking like that every day.”

“Rather than have you worried with any more Bunglin’ Berthas,” says I, “I’d subsidize the whole of Peronne to come over. And just think of all I’ll save by not havin’ to buy my hat back from the coat-room boys every night.”