CHAPTER I
Captain Lew Golden would have saved
any foreign observer a great deal of trouble in studying
America. He was an almost perfect type of the
petty small-town middle-class lawyer. He lived
in Panama, Pennsylvania. He had never been “captain”
of anything except the Crescent Volunteer Fire Company,
but he owned the title because he collected rents,
wrote insurance, and meddled with lawsuits.
He carried a quite visible mustache-comb
and wore a collar, but no tie. On warm days he
appeared on the street in his shirt-sleeves, and discussed
the comparative temperatures of the past thirty years
with Doctor Smith and the Mansion House ’bus-driver.
He never used the word “beauty” except
in reference to a setter dog — beauty of words
or music, of faith or rebellion, did not exist for
him. He rather fancied large, ambitious, banal,
red-and-gold sunsets, but he merely glanced at them
as he straggled home, and remarked that they were
“nice.” He believed that all Parisians,
artists, millionaires, and socialists were immoral.
His entire system of theology was comprised in the
Bible, which he never read, and the Methodist Church,
which he rarely attended; and he desired no system
of economics beyond the current platform of the Republican
party. He was aimlessly industrious, crotchety
but kind, and almost quixotically honest.
He believed that “Panama, Pennsylvania,
was good enough for anybody.”
This last opinion was not shared by
his wife, nor by his daughter Una.
Mrs. Golden was one of the women who
aspire just enough to be vaguely discontented; not
enough to make them toil at the acquisition of understanding
and knowledge. She had floated into a comfortable
semi-belief in a semi-Christian Science, and she read
novels with a conviction that she would have been
a romantic person “if she hadn’t married
Mr. Golden — not but what he’s a fine
man and very bright and all, but he hasn’t got
much imagination or any, well, romance!”
She wrote poetry about spring and
neighborhood births, and Captain Golden admired it
so actively that he read it aloud to callers.
She attended all the meetings of the Panama Study
Club, and desired to learn French, though she never
went beyond borrowing a French grammar from the Episcopalian
rector and learning one conjugation. But in the
pioneer suffrage movement she took no part — she
didn’t “think it was quite ladylike.”
... She was a poor cook, and her house always
smelled stuffy, but she liked to have flowers about.
She was pretty of face, frail of body, genuinely gracious
of manner. She really did like people, liked to
give cookies to the neighborhood boys, and — if
you weren’t impatient with her slackness — you
found her a wistful and touching figure in her slight
youthfulness and in the ambition to be a romantic personage,
a Marie Antoinette or a Mrs. Grover Cleveland, which
ambition she still retained at fifty-five.
She was, in appearance, the ideal
wife and mother — sympathetic, forgiving,
bright-lipped as a May morning. She never demanded;
she merely suggested her desires, and, if they were
refused, let her lips droop in a manner which only
a brute could withstand.
She plaintively admired her efficient daughter Una.
Una Golden was a “good little
woman” — not pretty, not noisy, not
particularly articulate, but instinctively on the inside
of things; naturally able to size up people and affairs.
She had common sense and unkindled passion. She
was a matter-of-fact idealist, with a healthy woman’s
simple longing for love and life. At twenty-four
Una had half a dozen times fancied herself in love.
She had been embraced at a dance, and felt the stirring
of a desire for surrender. But always a native
shrewdness had kept her from agonizing over these affairs.
She was not — and will not
be — a misunderstood genius, an undeveloped
artist, an embryonic leader in feminism, nor an ugly
duckling who would put on a Georgette hat and captivate
the theatrical world. She was an untrained, ambitious,
thoroughly commonplace, small-town girl. But she
was a natural executive and she secretly controlled
the Golden household; kept Captain Golden from eating
with his knife, and her mother from becoming drugged
with too much reading of poppy-flavored novels.
She wanted to learn, learn anything.
But the Goldens were too respectable to permit
her to have a job, and too poor to permit her to go
to college. From the age of seventeen, when she
had graduated from the high school — in white
ribbons and heavy new boots and tight new organdy — to
twenty-three, she had kept house and gone to gossip-parties
and unmethodically read books from the town library — Walter
Scott, Richard Le Gallienne, Harriet Beecher Stowe,
Mrs. Humphry Ward, How to Know the Birds, My
Year in the Holy Land, Home Needlework,
Sartor Resartus, and Ships that Pass in
the Night. Her residue of knowledge from
reading them was a disbelief in Panama, Pennsylvania.
She was likely never to be anything
more amazing than a mother and wife, who would entertain
the Honiton Embroidery Circle twice a year.
Yet, potentially, Una Golden was as
glowing as any princess of balladry. She was
waiting for the fairy prince, though he seemed likely
to be nothing more decorative than a salesman in a
brown derby. She was fluid; indeterminate as
a moving cloud.
Although Una Golden had neither piquant
prettiness nor grave handsomeness, her soft littleness
made people call her “Puss,” and want
to cuddle her as a child cuddles a kitten. If
you noted Una at all, when you met her, you first
noted her gentle face, her fine-textured hair of faded
gold, and her rimless eye-glasses with a gold chain
over her ear. These glasses made a business-like
center to her face; you felt that without them she
would have been too childish. Her mouth was as
kind as her spirited eyes, but it drooped. Her
body was so femininely soft that you regarded her
as rather plump. But for all her curving hips,
and the thick ankles which she considered “common,”
she was rather anemic. Her cheeks were round,
not rosy, but clear and soft; her lips a pale pink.
Her chin was plucky and undimpled; it was usually spotted
with one or two unimportant eruptions, which she kept
so well covered with powder that they were never noticeable.
No one ever thought of them except Una herself, to
whom they were tragic blemishes which she timorously
examined in the mirror every time she went to wash
her hands. She knew that they were the result
of the indigestible Golden family meals; she tried
to take comfort by noticing their prevalence among
other girls; but they kept startling her anew; she
would secretly touch them with a worried forefinger,
and wonder whether men were able to see anything else
in her face.
You remembered her best as she hurried
through the street in her tan mackintosh with its
yellow velveteen collar turned high up, and one of
those modest round hats to which she was addicted.
For then you were aware only of the pale-gold hair
fluffing round her school-mistress eye-glasses, her
gentle air of respectability, and her undistinguished
littleness.
She trusted in the village ideal of
virginal vacuousness as the type of beauty which most
captivated men, though every year she was more shrewdly
doubtful of the divine superiority of these men.
That a woman’s business in life was to remain
respectable and to secure a man, and consequent security,
was her unmeditated faith — till, in 1905,
when Una was twenty-four years old, her father died.
Section 2
Captain Golden left to wife and daughter
a good name, a number of debts, and eleven hundred
dollars in lodge insurance. The funeral was scarcely
over before neighbors — the furniture man,
the grocer, the polite old homeopathic doctor — began
to come in with bland sympathy and large bills.
When the debts were all cleared away the Goldens
had only six hundred dollars and no income beyond
the good name. All right-minded persons agree
that a good name is precious beyond rubies, but Una
would have preferred less honor and more rubies.
She was so engaged in comforting her
mother that she scarcely grieved for her father.
She took charge of everything — money, house,
bills.
Mrs. Golden had been overwhelmed by
a realization that, however slack and shallow Captain
Golden had been, he had adored her and encouraged
her in her gentility, her pawing at culture. With
an emerging sincerity, Mrs. Golden mourned him, now,
missed his gossipy presence — and at the
same time she was alive to the distinction it added
to her slim gracefulness to wear black and look wan.
She sobbed on Una’s shoulder; she said that
she was lonely; and Una sturdily comforted her and
looked for work.
One of the most familiar human combinations
in the world is that of unemployed daughter and widowed
mother. A thousand times you have seen the jobless
daughter devoting all of her curiosity, all of her
youth, to a widowed mother of small pleasantries,
a small income, and a shabby security. Thirty
comes, and thirty-five. The daughter ages steadily.
At forty she is as old as her unwithering mother.
Sweet she is, and pathetically hopeful of being a
pianist or a nurse; never quite reconciled to spinsterhood,
though she often laughs about it; often, by her insistence
that she is an “old maid,” she makes the
thought of her barren age embarrassing to others.
The mother is sweet, too, and “wants to keep
in touch with her daughter’s interests,”
only, her daughter has no interests. Had the
daughter revolted at eighteen, had she stubbornly
insisted that mother either accompany her to parties
or be content to stay alone, had she acquired “interests,”
she might have meant something in the new generation;
but the time for revolt passes, however much the daughter
may long to seem young among younger women. The
mother is usually unconscious of her selfishness;
she would be unspeakably horrified if some brutal
soul told her that she was a vampire. Chance,
chance and waste, rule them both, and the world passes
by while the mother has her games of cards with daughter,
and deems herself unselfish because now and then she
lets daughter join a party (only to hasten back to
mother), and even “wonders why daughter doesn’t
take an interest in girls her own age.”
That ugly couple on the porch of the apple-sauce and
wash-pitcher boarding-house — the mother a
mute, dwarfish punchinello, and the daughter a drab
woman of forty with a mole, a wart, a silence.
That charming mother of white hair and real lace with
the well-groomed daughter. That comfortable mother
at home and daughter in an office, but with no suitors,
no ambition beyond the one at home. They are
all examples of the mother-and-daughter phenomenon,
that most touching, most destructive example of selfless
unselfishness, which robs all the generations to come,
because mother has never been trained to endure the
long, long thoughts of solitude; because she sees nothing
by herself, and within herself hears no diverting
voice....
There were many such mothers and daughters
in Panama. If they were wealthy, daughter collected
rents and saw lawyers and belonged to a club and tried
to keep youthful at parties. If middle-class,
daughter taught school, almost invariably. If
poor, mother did the washing and daughter collected
it. So it was marked down for Una that she should
be a teacher.
Not that she wanted to be a teacher!
After graduating from high school, she had spent two
miserable terms of teaching in the small white district
school, four miles out on the Bethlehem Road.
She hated the drive out and back, the airless room
and the foul outbuildings, the shy, stupid, staring
children, the jolly little arithmetical problems about
wall-paper, piles of lumber, the amount of time that
notoriously inefficient workmen will take to do “a
certain piece of work.” Una was honest
enough to know that she was not an honest teacher,
that she neither loved masses of other people’s
children nor had any ideals of developing the new
generation. But she had to make money. Of
course she would teach!
When she talked over affairs with
her tearful mother, Mrs. Golden always ended by suggesting,
“I wonder if perhaps you couldn’t go back
to school-teaching again. Everybody said you
were so successful. And maybe I could get some
needlework to do. I do want to help so much.”
Mrs. Golden did, apparently, really
want to help. But she never suggested anything
besides teaching, and she went on recklessly investing
in the nicest mourning. Meantime Una tried to
find other work in Panama.
Seen from a balloon, Panama is merely
a mole on the long hill-slopes. But to Una its
few straggly streets were a whole cosmos. She
knew somebody in every single house. She knew
just where the succotash, the cake-boxes, the clothes-lines,
were kept in each of the grocery-stores, and on market
Saturdays she could wait on herself. She summed
up the whole town and its possibilities; and she wondered
what opportunities the world out beyond Panama had
for her. She recalled two trips to Philadelphia
and one to Harrisburg. She made out a list of
openings with such methodical exactness as she devoted
to keeping the dwindling lodge insurance from disappearing
altogether. Hers was no poetic outreach like
that of the young genius who wants to be off for Bohemia.
It was a question of earning money in the least tedious
way. Una was facing the feminist problem, without
knowing what the word “feminist” meant.
This was her list of fair fields of fruitful labor:
She could — and probably would — teach
in some hen-coop of pedagogy.
She could marry, but no one seemed
to want her, except old Henry Carson, the widower,
with catarrh and three children, who called on her
and her mother once in two weeks, and would propose
whenever she encouraged him to. This she knew
scientifically. She had only to sit beside him
on the sofa, let her hand drop down beside his.
But she positively and ungratefully didn’t want
to marry Henry and listen to his hawking and his grumbling
for the rest of her life. Sooner or later one
of The Boys might propose. But in a small town
it was all a gamble. There weren’t so very
many desirable young men — most of the energetic
ones went off to Philadelphia and New York. True
that Jennie McTevish had been married at thirty-one,
when everybody had thought she was hopelessly an old
maid. Yet here was Birdie Mayberry unmarried at
thirty-four, no one could ever understand why, for
she had been the prettiest and jolliest girl in town.
Una crossed blessed matrimony off the list as a commercial
prospect.
She could go off and study music,
law, medicine, elocution, or any of that amazing hodge-podge
of pursuits which are permitted to small-town women.
But she really couldn’t afford to do any of these;
and, besides, she had no talent for music of a higher
grade than Sousa and Victor Herbert; she was afraid
of lawyers; blood made her sick; and her voice was
too quiet for the noble art of elocution as practised
by several satin-waisted, semi-artistic ladies who
“gave readings” of Enoch Arden
and Evangeline before the Panama Study Circle
and the Panama Annual Chautauqua.
She could have a job selling dry-goods
behind the counter in the Hub Store, but that meant
loss of caste.
She could teach dancing — but
she couldn’t dance particularly well. And
that was all that she could do.
She had tried to find work as office-woman
for Dr. Mayberry, the dentist; in the office of the
Panama Wood-Turning Company; in the post-office; as
lofty enthroned cashier for the Hub Store; painting
place-cards and making “fancy-work” for
the Art Needlework Exchange.
The job behind the counter in the
Hub Store was the only one offered her.
“If I were only a boy,”
sighed Una, “I could go to work in the hardware-store
or on the railroad or anywhere, and not lose respectability.
Oh, I hate being a woman.”
Se
Una had been trying to persuade her
father’s old-time rival, Squire Updegraff, the
real-estate and insurance man, that her experience
with Captain Golden would make her a perfect treasure
in the office. Squire Updegraff had leaped up
at her entrance, and blared, “Well, well, and
how is the little girl making it?” He had set
out a chair for her and held her hand. But he
knew that her only experience with her father’s
affairs had been an effort to balance Captain Golden’s
account-books, which were works of genius in so far
as they were composed according to the inspirational
method. So there was nothing very serious in their
elaborate discussion of giving Una a job.
It was her last hope in Panama.
She went disconsolately down the short street, between
the two-story buildings and the rows of hitched lumber-wagons.
Nellie Page, the town belle, tripping by in canvas
sneakers and a large red hair-ribbon, shouted at her,
and Charlie Martindale, of the First National Bank,
nodded to her, but these exquisites were too young
for her; they danced too well and laughed too easily.
The person who stopped her for a long curbstone conference
about the weather, while most of the town observed
and gossiped, was the fateful Henry Carson. The
village sun was unusually blank and hard on Henry’s
bald spot to-day. Heavens! she cried to herself,
in almost hysterical protest, would she have to marry
Henry?
Miss Mattie Pugh drove by, returning
from district school. Miss Mattie had taught
at Clark’s Crossing for seventeen years, had
grown meek and meager and hopeless. Heavens!
thought Una, would she have to be shut into the fetid
barn of a small school unless she married Henry?
“I won’t be genteel!
I’ll work in The Hub or any place first!”
Una declared. While she trudged home — a
pleasant, inconspicuous, fluffy-haired young woman,
undramatic as a field daisy — a cataract of
protest poured through her. All the rest of her
life she would have to meet that doddering old Mr.
Mosely, who was unavoidably bearing down on her now,
and be held by him in long, meaningless talks.
And there was nothing amusing to do! She was
so frightfully bored. She suddenly hated the
town, hated every evening she would have to spend there,
reading newspapers and playing cards with her mother,
and dreading a call from Mr. Henry Carson.
She wanted — wanted some
one to love, to talk with. Why had she discouraged
the beautiful Charlie Martindale, the time he had tried
to kiss her at a dance? Charlie was fatuous,
but he was young, and she wanted, yes, yes! that was
it, she wanted youth, she who was herself so young.
And she would grow old here unless some one, one of
these godlike young men, condescended to recognize
her. Grow old among these streets like piles
of lumber.
She charged into the small, white,
ambling Golden house, with its peculiar smell of stale
lamb gravy, and on the old broken couch — where
her father had snored all through every bright Sunday
afternoon — she sobbed feebly.
She raised her head to consider a
noise overhead — the faint, domestic thunder
of a sewing-machine shaking the walls with its rhythm.
The machine stopped. She heard the noise of scissors
dropped on the floor — the most stuffily
domestic sound in the world. The airless house
was crushing her. She sprang up — and
then she sat down again. There was no place to
which she could flee. Henry Carson and the district
school were menacing her. And meantime she had
to find out what her mother was sewing — whether
she had again been wasting money in buying mourning.
“Poor, poor little mother, working
away happy up there, and I’ve got to go and
scold you,” Una agonized. “Oh, I want
to earn money, I want to earn real money for you.”
She saw a quadrangle of white on the
table, behind a book. She pounced on it.
It was a letter from Mrs. Sessions, and Una scratched
it open excitedly.
Mr. and Mrs. Albert Sessions, of Panama,
had gone to New York. Mr. Sessions was in machinery.
They liked New York. They lived in a flat and
went to theaters. Mrs. Sessions was a pillowy
soul whom Una trusted.
“Why don’t you,”
wrote Mrs. Sessions, “if you don’t find
the kind of work you want in Panama, think about coming
up to New York and taking stenography? There
are lots of chances here for secretaries, etc.”
Una carefully laid down the letter.
She went over and straightened her mother’s
red wool slippers. She wanted to postpone for
an exquisite throbbing moment the joy of announcing
to herself that she had made a decision.
She would go to New York, become
a stenographer, a secretary to a corporation president,
a rich woman, free, responsible.
The fact of making this revolutionary
decision so quickly gave her a feeling of power, of
already being a business woman.
She galloped up-stairs to the room
where her mother was driving the sewing-machine.
“Mumsie!” she cried, “we’re
going to New York! I’m going to learn to
be a business woman, and the little mother will be
all dressed in satin and silks, and dine on what-is-it
and peaches and cream — the poem don’t
come out right, but, oh, my little mother, we’re
going out adventuring, we are!”
She plunged down beside her mother,
burrowed her head in her mother’s lap, kissed
that hand whose skin was like thinnest wrinkly tissue-paper.
“Why, my little daughter, what
is it? Has some one sent for us? Is it the
letter from Emma Sessions? What did she say in
it?”
“She suggested it, but we are going up independent.”
“But can we afford to?...
I would like the draymas and art-galleries and all!”
“We will afford to! We’ll
gamble, for once!”
CHAPTER II
Una Golden had never realized how
ugly and petty were the streets of Panama till that
evening when she walked down for the mail, spurning
the very dust on the sidewalks — and there
was plenty to spurn. An old mansion of towers
and scalloped shingles, broken-shuttered now and unpainted,
with a row of brick stores marching up on its once
leisurely lawn. The town-hall, a square wooden
barn with a sagging upper porch, from which the mayor
would presumably have made proclamations, had there
ever been anything in Panama to proclaim about.
Staring loafers in front of the Girard House.
To Una there was no romance in the sick mansion, no
kindly democracy in the village street, no bare freedom
in the hills beyond. She was not much to blame;
she was a creature of action to whom this constricted
town had denied all action except sweeping.
She felt so strong now — she
had expected a struggle in persuading her mother to
go to New York, but acquiescence had been easy.
Una had an exultant joy, a little youthful and cruel,
in meeting old Henry Carson and telling him that she
was going away, that she “didn’t know for
how long; maybe for always.” So hopelessly
did he stroke his lean brown neck, which was never
quite clean-shaven, that she tried to be kind to him.
She promised to write. But she felt, when she
had left him, as though she had just been released
from prison. To live with him, to give him the
right to claw at her with those desiccated hands — she
imagined it with a vividness which shocked her, all
the while she was listening to his halting regrets.
A dry, dusty September wind whirled
down the village street. It choked her.
There would be no dusty winds in New
York, but only mellow breezes over marble palaces
of efficient business. No Henry Carsons, but slim,
alert business men, young of eye and light of tongue.
Se
Una Golden had expected to thrill
to her first sight of the New York sky-line, crossing
on the ferry in mid-afternoon, but it was so much
like all the post-card views of it, so stolidly devoid
of any surprises, that she merely remarked, “Oh
yes, there it is, that’s where I’ll be,”
and turned to tuck her mother into a ferry seat and
count the suit-cases and assure her that there was
no danger of pickpockets. Though, as the
ferry sidled along the land, passed an English liner,
and came close enough to the shore so that she could
see the people who actually lived in the state of
blessedness called New York, Una suddenly hugged her
mother and cried, “Oh, little mother, we’re
going to live here and do things together — everything.”
The familiar faces of Mr. and Mrs.
Albert Sessions were awaiting them at the end of the
long cavernous walk from the ferry-boat, and New York
immediately became a blur of cabs, cobblestones, bales
of cotton, long vistas of very dirty streets, high
buildings, surface cars, elevateds, shop windows that
seemed dark and foreign, and everywhere such a rush
of people as made her feel insecure, cling to the
Sessionses, and try to ward off the dizziness of the
swirl of new impressions. She was daunted for
a moment, but she rejoiced in the conviction that she
was going to like this madness of multiform energy.
The Sessionses lived in a flat on
Amsterdam Avenue near Ninety-sixth Street. They
all went up from Cortlandt Street in the Subway, which
was still new and miraculous in 1905. For five
minutes Una was terrified by the jam of people, the
blind roar through tunneled darkness, the sense of
being powerlessly hurled forward in a mass of ungovernable
steel. But nothing particularly fatal happened;
and she grew proud to be part of this black energy,
and contentedly swung by a strap.
When they reached the Sessionses’
flat and fell upon the gossip of Panama, Pennsylvania,
Una was absent-minded — except when the Sessionses
teased her about Henry Carson and Charlie Martindale.
The rest of the time, curled up on a black-walnut
couch which she had known for years in Panama, and
which looked plaintively rustic here in New York, Una
gave herself up to impressions of the city: the
voices of many children down on Amsterdam Avenue,
the shriek of a flat-wheeled surface car, the sturdy
pound of trucks, horns of automobiles; the separate
sounds scarcely distinguishable in a whirr which seemed
visible as a thick, gray-yellow dust-cloud.
Her mother went to lie down; the Sessionses
(after an elaborate explanation of why they did not
keep a maid) began to get dinner, and Una stole out
to see New York by herself.
It all seemed different, at once more
real and not so jumbled together, now that she used
her own eyes instead of the guidance of that knowing
old city bird, Mr. Albert Sessions.
Amsterdam Avenue was, even in the
dusk of early autumn, disappointing in its walls of
yellow flat-buildings cluttered with fire-escapes,
the first stories all devoted to the same sort of
shops over and over again — delicatessens,
laundries, barber-shops, saloons, groceries, lunch-rooms.
She ventured down a side-street, toward a furnace-glow
of sunset. West End Avenue was imposing to her
in its solid brick and graystone houses, and pavements
milky in the waning light. Then came a block
of expensive apartments. She was finding the city
of golden rewards. Frivolous curtains hung at
windows; in a huge apartment-house hall she glimpsed
a negro attendant in a green uniform with a monkey-cap
and close-set rows of brass buttons; she had a hint
of palms — or what looked like palms; of
marble and mahogany and tiling, and a flash of people
in evening dress. In her plain, “sensible”
suit Una tramped past. She was unenvious, because
she was going to have all these things soon.
Out of a rather stodgy vision of silk
opera wraps and suitors who were like floor-walkers,
she came suddenly out on Riverside Drive and the splendor
of the city.
A dull city of straight-front unvaried
streets is New York. But she aspires in her sky-scrapers;
she dreams a garden dream of Georgian days in Gramercy
Park; and on Riverside Drive she bares her exquisite
breast and wantons in beauty. Here she is sophisticated,
yet eager, comparable to Paris and Vienna; and here
Una exulted.
Down a polished roadway that reflected
every light rolled smart motors, with gay people in
the sort of clothes she had studied in advertisements.
The driveway was bordered with mist wreathing among
the shrubs. Above Una shouldered the tremendous
façades of gold-corniced apartment-houses. Across
the imperial Hudson everything was enchanted by the
long, smoky afterglow, against which the silhouettes
of dome and tower and factory chimney stood out like
an Orient city.
“Oh, I want all this — it’s
mine!... An apartment up there — a big,
broad window-seat, and look out on all this.
Oh, dear God,” she was unconsciously praying
to her vague Panama Wesley Methodist Church God, who
gave you things if you were good, “I will work
for all this.... And for the little mother, dear
mother that’s never had a chance.”
In the step of the slightly stolid
girl there was a new lightness, a new ecstasy in walking
rapidly through the stirring New York air, as she
turned back to the Sessionses’ flat.
Se
Later, when the streets fell into
order and became normal, Una could never quite identify
the vaudeville theater to which the Sessionses took
them that evening. The gold-and-ivory walls of
the lobby seemed to rise immeasurably to a ceiling
flashing with frescoes of light lovers in blue and
fluffy white, mincing steps and ardent kisses and flaunting
draperies. They climbed a tremendous arching stairway
of marble, upon which her low shoes clattered with
a pleasant sound. They passed niches hung with
heavy curtains of plum-colored velvet, framing the
sly peep of plaster fauns, and came out on a balcony
stretching as wide as the sea at twilight, looking
down on thousands of people in the orchestra below,
up at a vast golden dome lighted by glowing spheres
hung with diamonds, forward at a towering proscenic
arch above which slim, nude goddesses in bas-relief
floated in a languor which obsessed her, set free the
bare brown laughing nymph that hides in every stiff
Una in semi-mourning.
Nothing so diverting as that program
has ever been witnessed. The funny men with their
solemn mock-battles, their extravagance in dress, their
galloping wit, made her laugh till she wanted them
to stop. The singers were bell-voiced; the dancers
graceful as clouds, and just touched with a beguiling
naughtiness; and in the playlet there was a chill intensity
that made her shudder when the husband accused the
wife whom he suspected, oh, so absurdly, as Una indignantly
assured herself.
The entertainment was pure magic,
untouched by human clumsiness, rare and spellbound
as a stilly afternoon in oak woods by a lake.
They went to a marvelous cafe, and
Mr. Sessions astounded them by the urbanity with which
he hurried captains and waiters and ’bus-boys,
and ordered lobster and coffee, and pretended that
he was going to be wicked and have wine and cigarettes.
Months afterward, when she was going
to vaudeville by herself, Una tried to identify the
theater of wizardry, but she never could. The
Sessionses couldn’t remember which theater it
was; they thought it was the Pitt, but surely they
must have been mistaken, for the Pitt was a shanty
daubed with grotesque nudes, rambling and pretentious,
with shockingly amateurish programs. And afterward,
on the occasion or two when they went out to dinner
with the Sessionses, it seemed to Una that Mr. Sessions
was provincial in restaurants, too deprecatingly friendly
with the waiters, too hesitating about choosing dinner.
Se
Whiteside and Schleusner’s College
of Commerce, where Una learned the art of business,
occupied only five shabby rooms of crepuscular windows
and perpetually dusty corners, and hard, glistening
wall-paint, in a converted (but not sanctified) old
dwelling-house on West Eighteenth Street. The
faculty were six: Mr. Whiteside, an elaborate
pomposity who smoothed his concrete brow as though
he had a headache, and took obvious pride in being
able to draw birds with Spencerian strokes. Mr.
Schleusner, who was small and vulgar and declasse
and really knew something about business. A shabby
man like a broken-down bookkeeper, silent and diligent
and afraid. A towering man with a red face, who
kept licking his lips with a small red triangle of
tongue, and taught English — commercial college
English — in a bombastic voice of finicky
correctness, and always smelled of cigar smoke.
An active young Jewish New-Yorker of wonderful black
hair, elfin face, tilted hat, and smart clothes, who
did something on the side in real estate. Finally,
a thin widow, who was so busy and matter-of-fact that
she was no more individualized than a street-car.
Any one of them was considered competent to teach
any “line,” and among them they ground
out instruction in shorthand, typewriting, book-keeping,
English grammar, spelling, composition (with a special
view to the construction of deceptive epistles), and
commercial geography. Once or twice a week, language-masters
from a linguistic mill down the street were had in
to chatter the more vulgar phrases of French, German,
and Spanish.
A cluttered, wheezy omnibus of a school,
but in it Una rode to spacious and beautiful hours
of learning. It was even more to her than is the
art-school to the yearner who has always believed that
she has a talent for painting; for the yearner has,
even as a child, been able to draw and daub and revel
in the results; while for Una this was the first time
in her life when her labor seemed to count for something.
Her school-teaching had been a mere time-filler.
Now she was at once the responsible head of the house
and a seer of the future.
Most of the girls in the school learned
nothing but shorthand and typewriting, but to these
Una added English grammar, spelling, and letter-composition.
After breakfast at the little flat which she had taken
with her mother, she fled to the school. She drove
into her books, she delighted in the pleasure of her
weary teachers when she snapped out a quick answer
to questions, or typed a page correctly, or was able
to remember the shorthand symbol for a difficult word
like “psychologize.”
Her belief in the sacredness of the game was boundless.
CHAPTER III
Except for the young man in the bank,
the new young man in the hardware-store, and the proprietors
of the new Broadway Clothing Shop, Una had known most
of the gallants in Panama, Pennsylvania, from knickerbocker
days; she remembered their bony, boyish knees and their
school-day whippings too well to be romantic about
them. But in the commercial college she was suddenly
associated with seventy entirely new and interesting
males. So brief were the courses, so irregular
the classifications, that there was no spirit of seniority
to keep her out of things; and Una, with her fever
of learning, her instinctive common sense about doing
things in the easiest way, stood out among the girl
students. The young men did not buzz about her
as they did about the slim, diabolic, star-eyed girl
from Brooklyn, in her tempting low-cut blouses, or
the intense, curly-headed, boyish, brown Jew girl,
or the ardent dancers and gigglers. But Una’s
self-sufficient eagerness gave a fervor to her blue
eyes, and a tilt to her commonplace chin, which made
her almost pretty, and the young men liked to consult
her about things. She was really more prominent
here, in a school of one hundred and seventy, than
in her Panama high school with its enrolment of seventy.
Panama, Pennsylvania, had never regarded
Una as a particularly capable young woman. Dozens
of others were more masterful at trimming the Christmas
tree for Wesley Methodist Church, preparing for the
annual picnic of the Art Needlework Coterie, arranging
a surprise donation party for the Methodist pastor,
even spring house-cleaning. But she had been
well spoken of as a marketer, a cook, a neighbor who
would take care of your baby while you went visiting — because
these tasks had seemed worth while to her. She
was more practical than either Panama or herself believed.
All these years she had, without knowing that she was
philosophizing, without knowing that there was a world-wide
inquiry into woman’s place, been trying to find
work that needed her. Her father’s death
had freed her; had permitted her to toil for her mother,
cherish her, be regarded as useful. Instantly — still
without learning that there was such a principle as
feminism — she had become a feminist, demanding
the world and all the fullness thereof as her field
of labor.
And now, in this fumbling school,
she was beginning to feel the theory of efficiency,
the ideal of Big Business.
For “business,” that one
necessary field of activity to which the egotistic
arts and sciences and theologies and military puerilities
are but servants, that long-despised and always valiant
effort to unify the labor of the world, is at last
beginning to be something more than dirty smithing.
No longer does the business man thank the better classes
for permitting him to make and distribute bread and
motor-cars and books. No longer does he crawl
to the church to buy pardon for usury. Business
is being recognized — and is recognizing
itself — as ruler of the world.
With this consciousness of power it
is reforming its old, petty, half-hearted ways; its
idea of manufacture as a filthy sort of tinkering;
of distribution as chance peddling and squalid shopkeeping;
it is feverishly seeking efficiency.... In its
machinery.... But, like all monarchies, it must
fail unless it becomes noble of heart. So long
as capital and labor are divided, so long as the making
of munitions or injurious food is regarded as business,
so long as Big Business believes that it exists merely
to enrich a few of the lucky or the well born or the
nervously active, it will not be efficient, but deficient.
But the vision of an efficiency so broad that it can
be kindly and sure, is growing — is discernible
at once in the scientific business man and the courageous
labor-unionist.
That vision Una Golden feebly comprehended.
Where she first beheld it cannot be said. Certainly
not in the lectures of her teachers, humorless and
unvisioned grinds, who droned that by divine edict
letters must end with a “yours truly”
one space to the left of the middle of the page; who
sniffed at card-ledgers as new-fangled nonsense, and,
at their most inspired, croaked out such platitudes
as: “Look out for the pennies and the pounds
will look out for themselves,” or “The
man who fails is the man who watches the clock.”
Nor was the vision of the inspired
Big Business that shall be, to be found in the books
over which Una labored — the flat, maroon-covered,
dusty, commercial geography, the arid book of phrases
and rules-of-the-thumb called “Fish’s
Commercial English,” the manual of touch-typewriting,
or the shorthand primer that, with its grotesque symbols
and numbered exercises and yellow pages dog-eared by
many owners, looked like an old-fashioned Arabic grammar
headachily perused in some divinity-school library.
Her vision of it all must have come
partly from the eager talk of a few of the students — the
girl who wasn’t ever going to give up her job,
even if she did marry; the man who saw a future in
these motion pictures; the shaggy-haired zealot who
talked about profit-sharing (which was a bold radicalism
back in 1905; almost as subversive of office discipline
as believing in unions). Partly it came from the
new sorts of business magazines for the man who didn’t,
like his fathers, insist, “I guess I can run
my business without any outside interference,”
but sought everywhere for systems and charts and new
markets and the scientific mind.
Se
While her power of faith and vision
was satisfied by the largeness of the city and by
her chance to work, there was quickening in Una a shy,
indefinable, inner life of tenderness and desire for
love. She did not admit it, but she observed
the young men about her with an interest that was
as diverting as her ambition.
At first they awed her by their number
and their strangeness. But when she seemed to
be quite their equal in this school of the timorously
clerical, she began to look at them level-eyed....
A busy, commonplace, soft-armed, pleasant, good little
thing she was; glancing at them through eye-glasses
attached to a gold chain over her ear, not much impressed
now, slightly ashamed by the delight she took in winning
their attention by brilliant recitations....
She decided that most of them were earnest-minded
but intelligent serfs, not much stronger than the
girls who were taking stenography for want of anything
better to do. They sprawled and looked vacuous
as they worked in rows in the big study-hall, with
its hard blue walls showing the marks of two removed
partitions, its old iron fireplace stuffed with rubbers
and overshoes and crayon-boxes. As a provincial,
Una disliked the many Jews among them, and put down
their fervor for any sort of learning to acquisitiveness.
The rest she came to despise for the clumsy slowness
with which they learned even the simplest lessons.
And to all of them she — who was going to
be rich and powerful, directly she was good for one
hundred words a minute at stenography! — felt
disdainfully superior, because they were likely to
be poor the rest of their lives.
In a twilight walk on Washington Heights,
a walk of such vigor and happy absorption with new
problems as she had never known in Panama, she caught
herself being contemptuous about their frayed poverty.
With a sharp emotional sincerity, she rebuked herself
for such sordidness, mocked herself for assuming that
she was already rich.
Even out of this mass of clerklings
emerged two or three who were interesting: Sam
Weintraub, a young, active, red-headed, slim-waisted
Jew, who was born in Brooklyn. He smoked large
cigars with an air, knew how to wear his clothes,
and told about playing tennis at the Prospect Athletic
Club. He would be a smart secretary or confidential
clerk some day, Una was certain; he would own a car
and be seen in evening clothes and even larger cigars
at after-theater suppers. She was rather in awe
of his sophistication. He was the only man who
made her feel like a Freshman.
J. J. Todd, a reticent, hesitating,
hard-working man of thirty, from Chatham on Cape Cod.
It was he who, in noon-time arguments, grimly advocated
profit-sharing, which Sam Weintraub debonairly dismissed
as “socialistic.”
And, most appealing to her, enthusiastic
young Sanford Hunt, inarticulate, but longing for
a chance to attach himself to some master. Weintraub
and Todd had desks on either side of her; they had
that great romantic virtue, propinquity. But
Sanford Hunt she had noticed, in his corner across
the room, because he glanced about with such boyish
loneliness.
Sanford Hunt helped her find a rubber
in the high-school-like coat-room on a rainy day when
the girls were giggling and the tremendous swells of
the institution were whooping and slapping one another
on the back and acting as much as possible like their
ideal of college men — an ideal presumably
derived from motion pictures and college playlets in
vaudeville. Una saw J. J. Todd gawping at her,
but not offering to help, while a foreshortened Sanford
groped along the floor, under the dusty line of coats,
for her missing left rubber. Sanford came up with
the rubber, smiled like a nice boy, and walked with
her to the Subway.
He didn’t need much encouragement
to tell his ambitions. He was twenty-one — three
years younger than herself. He was a semi-orphan,
born in Newark; had worked up from office-boy to clerk
in the office of a huge Jersey City paint company;
had saved money to take a commercial course; was going
back to the paint company, and hoped to be office-manager
there. He had a conviction that “the finest
man in the world” was Mr. Claude Lowry, president
of the Lowry Paint Company; the next finest, Mr. Ernest
Lowry, vice-president and general manager; the next,
Mr. Julius Schwirtz, one of the two city salesmen — Mr.
Schwirtz having occupied a desk next to his own for
two years — and that “the best
paint on the market to-day is Lowry’s Lasting
Paint — simply no getting around it.”
In the five-minute walk over to the
Eighteenth Street station of the Subway, Sanford had
lastingly impressed Una by his devotion to the job;
eager and faithful as the glory that a young subaltern
takes in his regiment. She agreed with him that
the dour J. J. Todd was “crazy” in his
theories about profit-sharing and selling stocks to
employees. While she was with young Sanford,
Una found herself concurring that “the bosses
know so much better about all those things — gee
whiz! they’ve had so much more experience — besides
you can’t expect them to give away all their
profits to please these walking delegates or a Cape
Cod farmer like Todd! All these theories don’t
do a fellow any good; what he wants is to stick on
a job and make good.”
Though, in keeping with the general
school-boyishness of the institution, the study-room
supervisors tried to prevent conversation, there was
always a current of whispering and low talk, and Sam
Weintraub gave Una daily reports of the tennis, the
dances, the dinners at the Prospect Athletic Club.
Her evident awe of his urban amusements pleased him.
He told his former idol, the slim, blond giggler, that
she was altogether too fresh for a Bronx Kid, and
he basked in Una’s admiration. Through
him she had a revelation of the New York in which people
actually were born, which they took casually, as she
did Panama.
She tried consciously to become a
real New-Yorker herself. After lunch — her
home-made lunch of sandwiches and an apple — which
she ate in the buzzing, gossiping study-hall at noon-hour,
she explored the city. Sometimes Sanford Hunt
begged to go with her. Once Todd stalked along
and embarrassed her by being indignant over an anti-socialist
orator in Madison Square. Once, on Fifth Avenue,
she met Sam Weintraub, and he nonchalantly pointed
out, in a passing motor, a man whom he declared to
be John D. Rockefeller.
Even at lunch-hour Una could not come
to much understanding with the girls of the commercial
college. They seemed alternately third-rate stenographers,
and very haughty urbanites who knew all about “fellows”
and “shows” and “glad rags.”
Except for good-natured, square-rigged Miss Moynihan,
and the oldish, anxious, industrious Miss Ingalls,
who, like Una, came from a small town, and the adorably
pretty little Miss Moore, whom you couldn’t
help loving, Una saw the girls of the school only in
a mass.
It was Sam Weintraub, J. J. Todd,
and Sanford Hunt whom Una watched and liked, and of
whom she thought when the school authorities pompously
invited them all to a dance early in November.
Se
The excitement, the giggles, the discussions
of girdles and slippers and hair-waving and men, which
filled the study-hall at noon and the coat-room at
closing hour, was like midnight silence compared with
the tumult in Una’s breast when she tried to
make herself believe that either her blue satin evening
dress or her white-and-pink frock of “novelty
crepe” was attractive enough for the occasion.
The crepe was the older, but she had worn the blue
satin so much that now the crepe suddenly seemed the
newer, the less soiled. After discussions with
her mother, which involved much holding up of the
crepe and the tracing of imaginary diagrams with a
forefinger, she decided to put a new velvet girdle
and new sleeve ruffles on the crepe, and then she said,
“It will have to do.”
Very different is the dressing of
the girl who isn’t quite pretty, nor at all
rich, from the luxurious joy which the beautiful woman
takes in her new toilettes. Instead of the
faint, shivery wonder as to whether men will realize
how exquisitely the line of a new bodice accentuates
the molding of her neck, the unpretty girl hopes that
no one will observe how unevenly her dress hangs,
how pointed and red and rough are her elbows, how
clumsily waved her hair. “I don’t
think anybody will notice,” she sighs, and is
contemptuously conscious of her own stolid, straight,
healthy waist, while her mother flutters about and
pretends to believe that she is curved like a houri,
like Helen of Troy, like Isolde at eighteen.
Una was touched by her mother’s
sincere eagerness in trying to make her pretty.
Poor little mother. It had been hard on her to
sit alone all day in a city flat, with no Panama neighbors
to drop in on her, no meeting of the Panama Study
Club, and with Una bringing home her books to work
aloof all evening.
The day before the dance, J. J. Todd
dourly asked her if he might call for her and take
her home. Una accepted hesitatingly. As she
did so, she unconsciously glanced at the decorative
Sam Weintraub, who was rocking on his toes and flirting
with Miss Moore, the kittenish belle of the school.
She must have worried for fifteen
minutes over the question of whether she was going
to wear a hat or a scarf, trying to remember the best
social precedents of Panama as laid down by Mrs. Dr.
Smith, trying to recall New York women as she had
once or twice seen them in the evening on Broadway.
Finally, she jerked a pale-blue chiffon scarf over
her mildly pretty hair, pulled on her new long, white
kid gloves, noted miserably that the gloves did not
quite cover her pebbly elbows, and snapped at her
fussing mother: “Oh, it doesn’t matter.
I’m a perfect sight, anyway, so what’s
the use of worrying!”
Her mother looked so hurt and bewildered
that Una pulled her down into a chair, and, kneeling
on the floor with her arms about her, crooned, “Oh,
I’m just nervous, mumsie dear; working so hard
and all. I’ll have the best time, now you’ve
made me so pretty for the dance.” Clasped
thus, an intense brooding affection holding them and
seeming to fill the shabby sitting-room, they waited
for the coming of her Tristan, her chevalier, the
flat-footed J. J. Todd.
They heard Todd shamble along the
hall. They wriggled with concealed laughter and
held each other tighter when he stopped at the door
of the flat and blew his nervous nose in a tremendous
blast.... More vulgar possibly than the trumpetry
which heralded the arrival of Lancelot at a chateau,
but on the whole quite as effective.
She set out with him, observing his
pitiful, home-cleaned, black sack-suit, and home-shined,
expansive, black boots and ready-made tie, while he
talked easily, and was merely rude about dances and
clothes and the weather.
In the study-hall, which had been
cleared of all seats except for a fringe along the
walls, and was unevenly hung with school flags and
patriotic bunting, Una found the empty-headed time-servers,
the Little Folk, to whom she was so superior in the
class-room. Brooklyn Jews used to side-street
dance-halls, Bronx girls who went to the bartenders’
ball, and the dinner and grand ball of the Clamchowder
Twenty, they laughed and talked and danced — all
three at once — with an ease which dismayed
her.
To Una Golden, of Panama, the waltz
and the two-step were solemn affairs. She could
make her feet go in a one-two-three triangle with
approximate accuracy, if she didn’t take any
liberties with them. She was relieved to find
that Todd danced with a heavy accuracy which kept
her from stumbling.... But their performance was
solemn and joyless, while by her skipped Sam Weintraub,
in evening clothes with black velvet collar and cuffs,
swinging and making fantastic dips with the lovely
Miss Moore, who cuddled into his arms and swayed to
his swing.
“Let’s cut out the next,”
said Todd, and she consented, though Sanford Hunt
came boyishly, blushingly up to ask her for a dance....
She was intensely aware that she was a wall-flower,
in a row with the anxious Miss Ingalls and the elderly
frump, Miss Fisle. Sam Weintraub seemed to avoid
her, and, though she tried to persuade herself that
his greasy, curly, red hair and his pride of evening
clothes and sharp face were blatantly Jewish, she
knew that she admired his atmosphere of gorgeousness
and was in despair at being shut out of it. She
even feared that Sanford Hunt hadn’t really
wanted to dance with her, and she wilfully ignored
his frequent glances of friendliness and his efforts
to introduce her and his “lady friend.”
She was silent and hard, while poor Todd, trying not
to be a radical and lecture on single-tax or municipal
ownership, attempted to be airy about the theater,
which meant the one show he had seen since he had
come to New York.
From vague dissatisfaction she drifted
into an active resentment at being shut out of the
world of pretty things, of clinging gowns and graceful
movement and fragrant rooms. While Todd was taking
her home she was saying to herself over and over,
“Nope; it’s just as bad as parties at
Panama. Never really enjoyed ’em. I’m
out of it. I’ll stick to my work.
Oh, drat it!”
Se
Blindly, in a daily growing faith
in her commercial future, she shut out the awkward
gaieties of the school, ignored Todd and Sanford Hunt
and Sam Weintraub, made no effort to cultivate the
adorable Miss Moore’s rather flattering friendliness
for her. She was like a girl grind in a coeducational
college who determines to head the class and to that
devotes all of a sexless energy.
Only Una was not sexless. Though
she hadn’t the dancing-girl’s oblivious
delight in pleasure, though her energetic common sense
and willingness to serve had turned into a durable
plodding, Una was alive, normal, desirous of love,
as the flower-faced girl grind of the college so often
is not, to the vast confusion of numerous ardent young
gentlemen.
She could not long forbid herself
an interest in Sanford Hunt and Sam Weintraub; she
even idealized Todd as a humble hero, a self-made and
honest man, which he was, though Una considered herself
highly charitable to him.
Sweet to her — even when
he told her that he was engaged, even when it was
evident that he regarded her as an older sister or
as a very young and understanding aunt — was
Sanford Hunt’s liking. “Why do you
like me — if you do?” she demanded
one lunch-hour, when he had brought her a bar of milk-chocolate.
“Oh, I dun’no’;
you’re so darn honest, and you got so much more
sense than this bunch of Bronx totties. Gee!
they’ll make bum stenogs. I know.
I’ve worked in an office. They’ll
keep their gum and a looking-glass in the upper right-hand
drawer of their typewriter desks, and the old man
will call them down eleventy times a day, and they’ll
marry the shipping-clerk first time he sneaks out
from behind a box. But you got sense, and somehow — gee!
I never know how to express things — glad
I’m taking this English composition stuff — oh,
you just seem to understand a guy. I never liked
that Yid Weintraub till you made me see how darn clever
and nice he really is, even if he does wear spats.”
Sanford told her often that he wished
she was going to come over to the Lowry Paint Company
to work, when she finished. He had entered the
college before her; he would be through somewhat earlier;
he was going back to the paint company and would try
to find an opening for her there. He wanted her
to meet Mr. Julius Edward Schwirtz, the Manhattan
salesman of the company.
When Mr. Schwirtz was in that part
of town, interviewing the department-store buyers,
he called up Sanford Hunt, and Sanford insisted that
she come out to lunch with Schwirtz and himself and
his girl. She went shyly.
Sanford’s sweetheart proved
to be as clean and sweet as himself, but mute, smiling
instead of speaking, inclined to admire every one,
without much discrimination. Sanford was very
proud, very eager as host, and his boyish admiration
of all his guests gave a certain charm to the corner
of the crude German sausage-and-schnitzel restaurant
where they lunched. Una worked at making the
party as successful as possible, and was cordial to
Mr. Julius Edward Schwirtz, the paint salesman.
Mr. Schwirtz was forty or forty-one,
a red-faced, clipped-mustached, derby-hatted average
citizen. He was ungrammatical and jocose; he panted
a good deal and gurgled his soup; his nails were ragged-edged,
his stupid brown tie uneven, and there were signs
of a growing grossness and fatty unwieldiness about
his neck, his shoulders, his waist. But he was
affable. He quietly helped Sanford in ordering
lunch, to the great economy of embarrassment.
He was smilingly ready to explain to Una how a paint
company office was run; what chances there were for
a girl. He seemed to know his business, he didn’t
gossip, and his heavy, coarse-lipped smile was almost
sweet when he said to Una, “Makes a hard-cased
old widower like me pretty lonely to see this nice
kid and girly here. Eh? Wish I had some
children like them myself.”
He wasn’t vastly different from
Henry Carson, this Mr. Schwirtz, but he had a mechanical
city smartness in his manner and a jocular energy which
the stringy-necked Henry quite lacked.
Because she liked to be with Sanford
Hunt, hoped to get from Mr. Julius Edward Schwirtz
still more of the feeling of how actual business men
do business, she hoped for another lunch.
But a crisis unexpected and alarming
came to interrupt her happy progress to a knowledge
of herself and men.
Se
The Goldens had owned no property
in Panama, Pennsylvania; they had rented their house.
Captain Lew Golden, who was so urgent in advising
others to purchase real estate — with a small,
justifiable commission to himself — had never
quite found time to decide on his own real-estate
investments. When they had come to New York, Una
and her mother had given up the house and sold the
heavier furniture, the big beds, the stove. The
rest of the furniture they had brought to the city
and installed in a little flat way up on 148th Street.
Her mother was, Una declared, so absolutely
the lady that it was a crying shame to think of her
immured here in their elevatorless tenement; this
new, clean, barren building of yellow brick, its face
broken out with fire-escapes. It had narrow halls,
stairs of slate treads and iron rails, and cheap wooden
doorways which had begun to warp the minute the structure
was finished — and sold. The bright-green
burlap wall-covering in the hallways had faded in
less than a year to the color of dry grass. The
janitor grew tired every now and then. He had
been markedly diligent at first, but he was already
giving up the task of keeping the building clean.
It was one of, and typical of, a mile of yellow brick
tenements; it was named after an African orchid of
great loveliness, and it was filled with clerks, motormen,
probationer policemen, and enormously prolific women
in dressing-sacques.
The Goldens had three rooms and
bath. A small linoleous gas-stove kitchen.
A bedroom with standing wardrobe, iron bed, and just
one graceful piece of furniture — Una’s
dressing-table; a room pervasively feminine in its
scent and in the little piles of lingerie which Mrs.
Golden affected more, not less, as she grew older.
The living-room, with stiff, brown, woolen brocade
chairs, transplanted from their Panama home, a red
plush sofa, two large oak-framed Biblical pictures — “The
Wedding-feast at Cana,” and “Solomon in
His Temple.” This living-room had never
been changed since the day of their moving in.
Una repeatedly coveted the German color-prints she
saw in shop windows, but she had to economize.
She planned that when she should succeed
they would have such an apartment of white enamel
and glass doors and mahogany as she saw described
in the women’s magazines. She realized mentally
that her mother must be lonely in the long hours of
waiting for her return, but she who was busy all day
could never feel emotionally how great was that loneliness,
and she expected her mother to be satisfied with the
future.
Quite suddenly, a couple of weeks
after the dance, when they were talking about the
looming topic — what kind of work Una would
be able to get when she should have completed school — her
mother fell violently a-weeping; sobbed, “Oh,
Una baby, I want to go home. I’m so lonely
here — just nobody but you and the Sessionses.
Can’t we go back to Panama? You don’t
seem to really know what you are going to do.”
“Why, mother — ”
Una loved her mother, yet she felt
a grim disgust, rather than pity.... Just when
she had been working so hard! And for her mother
as much as for herself.... She stalked over to
the table, severely rearranged the magazines, slammed
down a newspaper, and turned, angrily. “Why,
can’t you see? I can’t give
up my work now.”
“Couldn’t you get something to do in Panama,
dearie?”
“You know perfectly well that I tried.”
“But maybe now, with your college
course and all — even if it took a little
longer to get something there, we’d be right
among the folks we know — ”
“Mother, can’t you understand
that we have only a little over three hundred dollars
now? If we moved again and everything, we wouldn’t
have two hundred dollars to live on. Haven’t
you any sense of finances?”
“You must not talk to me that way, my daughter!”
A slim, fine figure of hurt-dignity,
Mrs. Golden left the room, lay down in the bedroom,
her face away from the door where Una stood in perplexity.
Una ran to her, kissed her shoulder, begged for forgiveness.
Her mother patted her cheek, and sobbed, “Oh,
it doesn’t matter,” in a tone so forlorn
and lonely that it did matter, terribly. The sadness
of it tortured Una while she was realizing that her
mother had lost all practical comprehension of the
details of life, was become a child, trusting everything
to her daughter, yet retaining a power of suffering
such as no child can know.
It had been easy to bring her mother
here, to start a career. Both of them had preconceived
a life of gaiety and beauty, of charming people and
pictures and concerts. But all those graces were
behind a dusty wall of shorthand and typewriting.
Una’s struggle in coming to New York had just
begun.
Gently arbitrary, dearer than ever
to Una in her helpless longing for kindly neighbors
and the familiar places, Mrs. Golden went on hoping
that she could persuade Una to go back to Panama.
She never seemed to realize that their capital wasn’t
increasing as time passed. Sometimes impatient
at her obtuseness, sometimes passionate with comprehending
tenderness, Una devoted herself to her, and Mr. Schwirtz
and Sanford Hunt and Sam Weintraub and Todd faded.
She treasured her mother’s happiness at their
Christmas dinner with the Sessionses. She encouraged
the Sessionses to come up to the flat as often as they
could, and she lulled her mother to a tolerable calm
boredom. Before it was convenient to think of
men again, her school-work was over.
The commercial college had a graduation
once a month. On January 15, 1906, Una finished
her course, regretfully said good-by to Sam Weintraub,
and to Sanford Hunt, who had graduated in mid-December,
but had come back for “class commencement”;
and at the last moment she hesitated so long over
J. J. Todd’s hints about calling some day, that
he was discouraged and turned away. Una glanced
about the study-hall — the first place where
she had ever been taken seriously as a worker — and
marched off to her first battle in the war of business.
CHAPTER IV
Sanford Hunt telephoned to Una that
he and Mr. Julius Edward Schwirtz — whom
he called “Eddie” — had done their
best to find an “opening” for her in the
office of the Lowry Paint Company, but that there
was no chance.
The commercial college gave her the
names of several possible employers, but they all
wanted approximate perfection at approximately nothing
a week. After ten days of panic-stricken waiting
at the employment office of a typewriter company,
and answering want advertisements, the typewriter
people sent her to the office of the Motor and Gas
Gazette, a weekly magazine for the trade.
In this atmosphere of the literature of lubricating
oil and drop forgings and body enamels, as an eight-dollar-a-week
copyist, Una first beheld the drama and romance of
the office world.
Se
There is plenty of romance in business.
Fine, large, meaningless, general terms like romance
and business can always be related. They take
the place of thinking, and are highly useful to optimists
and lecturers.
But in the world of business there
is a bewildered new Muse of Romance, who is clad not
in silvery tissue of dreams, but in a neat blue suit
that won’t grow too shiny under the sleeves.
Adventure now, with Una, in the world
of business; of offices and jobs and tired, ordinary
people who know such reality of romance as your masquerading
earl, your shoddy Broadway actress, or your rosily
amorous dairy-maid could never imagine. The youths
of poetry and of the modern motor-car fiction make
a long diversion of love; while the sleezy-coated
office-man who surprises a look of humanness in the
weary eyes of the office-woman, knows that he must
compress all the wonder of madness into five minutes,
because the Chief is prowling about, glancing meaningly
at the little signs that declare, “Your time
is your employer’s money; don’t steal
it.”
A world is this whose noblest vista
is composed of desks and typewriters, filing-cases
and insurance calendars, telephones, and the bald
heads of men who believe dreams to be idiotic.
Here, no galleon breasts the sky-line; no explorer
in evening clothes makes love to an heiress.
Here ride no rollicking cowboys, nor heroes of the
great European war. It is a world whose crises
you cannot comprehend unless you have learned that
the difference between a 2-A pencil and a 2-B pencil
is at least equal to the contrast between London and
Tibet; unless you understand why a normally self-controlled
young woman may have a week of tragic discomfort because
she is using a billing-machine instead of her ordinary
correspondence typewriter. The shifting of the
water-cooler from the front office to the packing-room
may be an epochal event to a copyist who apparently
has no human existence beyond bending over a clacking
typewriter, who seems to have no home, no family, no
loves; in whom all pride and wonder of life and all
transforming drama seem to be satisfied by the possession
of a new V-necked blouse. The moving of the water-cooler
may mean that she must now pass the sentinel office-manager;
that therefore she no longer dares break the incredible
monotony by expeditions to get glasses of water.
As a consequence she gives up the office and marries
unhappily.
A vast, competent, largely useless
cosmos of offices. It spends much energy in causing
advertisements of beer and chewing-gum and union suits
and pot-cleansers to spread over the whole landscape.
It marches out ponderous battalions to sell a brass
pin. It evokes shoes that are uncomfortable,
hideous, and perishable, and touchingly hopes that
all women will aid the cause of good business by wearing
them. It turns noble valleys into fields for
pickles. It compels men whom it has never seen
to toil in distant factories and produce useless wares,
which are never actually brought into the office,
but which it nevertheless sells to the heathen in
the Solomon Islands in exchange for commodities whose
very names it does not know; and in order to perform
this miracle of transmutation it keeps stenographers
so busy that they change from dewy girls into tight-lipped
spinsters before they discover life.
The reason for it all, nobody who
is actually engaged in it can tell you, except the
bosses, who believe that these sacred rites of composing
dull letters and solemnly filing them away are observed
in order that they may buy the large automobiles in
which they do not have time to take the air.
Efficiency of production they have learned; efficiency
of life they still consider an effeminate hobby.
An unreasonable world, sacrificing
bird-song and tranquil dusk and high golden noons
to selling junk — yet it rules us. And
life lives there. The office is filled with thrills
of love and distrust and ambition. Each alley
between desks quivers with secret romance as ceaselessly
as a battle-trench, or a lane in Normandy.
Se
Una’s first view of the Motor
and Gas Gazette was of an overwhelming mass of
desks and files and books, and a confusing, spying
crowd of strange people, among whom the only safe,
familiar persons were Miss Moynihan, the good-natured
solid block of girl whom she had known at the commercial
college, and Mr. S. Herbert Ross, the advertising-manager,
who had hired her. Mr. Ross was a poet of business;
a squat, nervous little man, whose hair was cut in
a Dutch bang, straight across his forehead, and who
always wore a black bow tie and semi-clerical black
clothes. He had eyed Una amusedly, asked her what
was her reaction to green and crimson posters, and
given her a little book by himself, “R U A Time-clock,
Mr. Man?” which, in large and tremendously black
type, related two stories about the youth of Carnegie,
and strongly advocated industry, correspondence schools,
and expensive advertising. When Una entered the
office, as a copyist, Mr. S. Herbert Ross turned her
over to the office-manager, and thereafter ignored
her; but whenever she saw him in pompous conference
with editors and advertisers she felt proudly that
she knew him.
The commercial college had trained
her to work with a number of people, as she was now
to do in the office; but in the seriousness and savage
continuity of its toil, the office was very different.
There was no let-up; she couldn’t shirk for
a day or two, as she had done at the commercial college.
It was not so much that she was afraid of losing her
job as that she came to see herself as part of a chain.
The others, beyond, were waiting for her; she mustn’t
hold them up. That was her first impression of
the office system, that and the insignificance of
herself in the presence of the office-hierarchy — manager
above manager and the Mysterious Owner beyond all.
She was alone; once she transgressed they would crush
her. They had no personal interest in her, none
of them, except her classmate, Miss Moynihan, who smiled
at her and went out to lunch with her.
They two did not dare to sit over
parcels of lunch with the curious other girls.
Before fifteen-cent lunches of baked apples, greasy
Napoleons, and cups of coffee, at a cheap restaurant,
Miss Moynihan and she talked about the office-manager,
the editors, the strain of copying all day, and they
united in lyric hatred of the lieutenant of the girls,
a satiric young woman who was a wonderful hater.
Una had regarded Miss Moynihan as thick and stupid,
but not when she had thought of falling in love with
Charlie Martindale at a dance at Panama, not in her
most fervid hours of comforting her mother, had she
been so closely in sympathy with any human being as
she was with Miss Moynihan when they went over and
over the problems of office politics, office favorites,
office rules, office customs.
The customs were simple: Certain
hours for arrival, for lunch, for leaving; women’s
retiring-room embarrassedly discovered to be on the
right behind the big safe; water-cooler in the center
of the stenographers’ room. But the office
prejudices, the taboos, could not be guessed.
They offered you every possible chance of “queering
yourself.” Miss Moynihan, on her very first
day, discovered, perspiringly, that you must never
mention the Gazette’s rival, the Internal
Combustion News. The Gazette’s
attitude was that the News did not exist — except
when the Gazette wanted the plate of an advertisement
which the News was to forward. You mustn’t
chew gum in the office; you were to ask favors of
the lieutenant, not of the office-manager; and you
mustn’t be friendly with Mr. Bush of the circulation
department, nor with Miss Caldwell, the filing-clerk.
Why they were taboo Una never knew; it was an office
convention; they seemed pleasant and proper people
enough.
She was initiated into the science
of office supplies. In the commercial college
the authorities had provided stenographers’ note-books
and pencils, and the representatives of typewriter
companies had given lectures on cleaning and oiling
typewriters, putting in new ribbons, adjusting tension-wheels.
But Una had not realized how many tools she had to
know —
Desks, filing-cabinets, mimeographs,
adding-machines, card indexes, desk calendars, telephone-extensions,
adjustable desk-lights. Wire correspondence-baskets,
erasers, carbon paper, type-brushes, dust-rags, waste-baskets.
Pencils, hard and soft, black and blue and red.
Pens, pen-points, backing-sheets, note-books, paper-clips.
Mucilage, paste, stationery; the half-dozen sorts
of envelopes and letter-heads.
Tools were these, as important in
her trade as the masthead and black flag, the cutlasses
and crimson sashes, the gold doubloons and damsels
fair of pirate fiction; or the cheese and cream, old
horses and slumberous lanes of rustic comedy.
As important, and perhaps to be deemed as romantic
some day; witness the rhapsodic advertisements of
filing-cabinets that are built like battle-ships; of
carbon-paper that is magic-inked and satin-smooth.
Not as priest or soldier or judge
does youth seek honor to-day, but as a man of offices.
The business subaltern, charming and gallant as the
jungle-gallopers of Kipling, drills files, not of troops,
but of correspondence. The artist plays the keys,
not of pianos, but of typewriters. Desks, not
decks; courts of office-buildings, not of palaces — these
are the stuff of our latter-day drama. Not through
wolf-haunted forests nor purple canons, but through
tiled hallways and elevators move our heroes of to-day.
And our heroine is important not because
she is an Amazon or a Ramona, but because she is representative
of some millions of women in business, and because,
in a vague but undiscouraged way, she keeps on inquiring
what women in business can do to make human their existence
of loveless routine.
Se
Una spent much of her time in copying
over and over — a hundred times, two hundred
times — form-letters soliciting advertising,
letters too personal in appearance to be multigraphed.
She had lists of manufacturers of motor-car accessories,
of makers of lubricating oils, of distributors of
ball-bearings and speedometers and springs and carburetors
and compositions for water-proofing automobile tops.
Sometimes she was requisitioned by
the editorial department to copy in form legible for
the printer the rough items sent in by outsiders for
publication in the Gazette. Una, like most
people of Panama, had believed that there was something
artistic about the office of any publication.
One would see editors — wonderful men like
grand dukes, prone to lunch with the President.
But there was nothing artistic about the editorial
office of the Gazette — several young
men in shirt-sleeves and green celluloid eye-shades,
very slangy and pipe-smelly, and an older man with
unpressed trousers and ragged mustache. Nor was
there anything literary in the things that Una copied
for the editorial department; just painfully handwritten
accounts of the meeting of the Southeastern Iowa Auto-dealers’
Association; or boasts about the increased sales of
Roadeater Tires, a page originally smartly typed,
but cut and marked up by the editors.
Lists and letters and items, over
and over; sitting at her typewriter till her shoulder-blades
ached and she had to shut her eyes to the blur of
the keys. The racket of office noises all day.
The three-o’clock hour when she felt that she
simply could not endure the mill till five o’clock.
No interest in anything she wrote. Then the blessed
hour of release, the stretching of cramped legs, and
the blind creeping to the Subway, the crush in the
train, and home to comfort the mother who had been
lonely all day.
Such was Una’s routine in these
early months of 1906. After the novelty of the
first week it was all rigidly the same, except that
distinct personalities began to emerge from the mass.
Especially the personality of Walter Babson.
Se
Out of the mist of strange faces,
blurred hordes of people who swaggered up the office
aisle so knowingly, and grinned at her when she asked
questions, individualities began to take form:
Miss Moynihan; the Jewish stenographer
with the laughing lips and hot eyes; the four superior
older girls in a corner, the still more superior girl
lieutenant, and the office-manager, who was the least
superior of all; the telephone-girl; the office-boys;
Mr. S. Herbert Ross and his assistant; the managing
editor; a motor magnate whose connection was mysterious;
the owner, a courteous, silent, glancing man who was
reported to be hard and “stingy.”
Other people still remained unidentifiable
to her, but the office appeared smaller and less formidable
in a month. Out of each nine square feet of floor
space in the office a novel might have been made:
the tale of the managing editor’s neurotic wife;
the tragedy of Chubby Hubbard, the stupid young editor
who had been a college football star, then an automobile
racer, then a failure. And indeed there was a
whole novel, a story told and retold, in the girls’
gossip about each of the men before whom they were
so demure. But it was Walter Babson whom the
girls most discussed and in whom Una found the most
interest.
On her first day in the office she
had been startled by an astounding young man who had
come flying past her desk, with his coat off, his
figured waistcoat half open, his red four-in-hand tie
askew under a rolling soft collar. He had dashed
up to the office-manager and demanded, “Say!
Say! Nat! Got that Kokomobile description
copied for me yet? Heh? Gawd! you’re
slow. Got a cigarette?” He went off, puffing
out cigarette smoke, shaking his head and audibly
muttering, “Slow bunch, werry.” He
seemed to be of Una’s own age, or perhaps a year
older — a slender young man with horn-rimmed
eye-glasses, curly black hair, and a trickle of black
mustache. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbow,
and Una had a secret, shamed, shivering thrill in
the contrast of the dead-white skin of his thin forearms
with the long, thick, soft, black hairs matted over
them. They seemed at once feminine and acidly
male.
“Crazy idiot,” she observed,
apparently describing herself and the nervous young
man together. But she knew that she wanted to
see him again.
She discovered that he was prone to
such violent appearances; that his name was Walter
Babson; that he was one of the three desk editors under
the managing editor; that the stenographers and office-boys
alternately disapproved of him, because he went on
sprees and borrowed money from anybody in sight, and
adored him because he was democratically frank with
them. He was at once a hero, clown, prodigal son,
and preacher of honesty. It was variously said
that he was a socialist, an anarchist, and a believer
in an American monarchy, which he was reported as
declaring would “give some color to this flat-faced
province of a country.” It was related
that he had been “fresh” even to the owner,
and had escaped discharge only by being the quickest
worker in the office, the best handy man at turning
motor statistics into lively news-stories. Una
saw that he liked to stand about, bawling to the quizzical
S. Herbert Ross that “this is a hell of a shop
to work in — rotten pay and no esprit
de corps. I’d quit and free-lance if
I could break in with fiction, but a rotten bunch
of log-rollers have got the inside track with all
the magazines and book-publishers.”
“Ever try to write any fiction?”
Una once heard S. Herbert retort.
“No, but Lord! any fool could
write better stuff than they publish. It’s
all a freeze-out game; editors just accept stuff by
their friends.”
In one week Una heard Walter Babson
make approximately the same assertions to three different
men, and to whoever in the open office might care
to listen and profit thereby. Then, apparently,
he ceased to hear the call of literature, and he snorted
at S. Herbert Ross’s stodgy assistant that he
was a wage-slave, and a fool not to form a clerks’
union. In a week or two he was literary again.
He dashed down to the office-manager, poked a sheet
of copy-paper at him, and yelped: “Say,
Nat. Read that and tell me just what you think
of it. I’m going to put some literary flavor
into the Gas-bag even if it does explode it.
Look — see. I’ve taken a boost
for the Kells Karburetor — rotten lying boost
it is, too — and turned it into this running
verse, read it like prose, pleasant and easy to digest,
especially beneficial to children and S. Herbert Souse,
Sherbert Souse, I mean.” He rapidly read
an amazing lyric beginning, “Motorists, you
hadn’t better monkey with the carburetor, all
the racers, all the swells, have equipped their cars
with Kells. We are privileged to announce what
will give the trade a jounce, that the floats have
been improved like all motorists would have loved.”
He broke off and shouted, “Punk
last line, but I’ll fix it up. Say, that’ll
get ’em all going, eh? Say, I bet the Kells
people use it in bill-board ads. all over the country,
and maybe sign my name. Ads., why say, it takes
a literary guy to write ads., not a fat-headed commercialist
like S. Charlie Hoss.”
Two days later Una heard Babson come
out and lament that the managing editor didn’t
like his masterpiece and was going to use the Kells
Karburetor Kompany’s original write-up.
“That’s what you get when you try to give
the Gas-bag some literary flavor — don’t
appreciate it!”
She would rather have despised him,
except that he stopped by the office-boys’ bench
to pull their hair and tell them to read English dictionaries.
And when Miss Moynihan looked dejected, Babson demanded
of her, “What’s trouble, girlie?
Anybody I can lick for you? Glad to fire the
owner, or anything. Haven’t met you yet,
but my name is Roosevelt, and I’m the new janitor,”
with a hundred other chuckling idiocies, till Miss
Moynihan was happy again. Una warmed to his friendliness,
like that of a tail-wagging little yellow pup.
And always she craved the touch of
his dark, blunt, nervous hands. Whenever he lighted
a cigarette she was startled by his masculine way
of putting out the match and jerking it away from him
in one abrupt motion.... She had never studied
male mannerisms before. To Miss Golden of Panama
men had always been “the boys.”
All this time Walter Babson had never spoken to her.
CHAPTER V
The office-manager came casually up
to Una’s desk and said, “You haven’t
taken any dictation yet, have you?”
“No, but,” with urgent
eagerness, “I’d like — I’m
quite fast in stenography.”
“Well, Mr. Babson, in the editorial
department, wants to give some dictation and you might
try — ”
Una was so excited that she called
herself a silly little fool. She seized her untouched
note-book, her pencils sharpened like lances, and
tried to appear a very mouse of modesty as she marched
down the office to take her first real dictation,
to begin her triumphant career.... And to have
Walter Babson, the beloved fool, speak to her.
It was a cold shock to have to stand
waiting behind Babson while he rummaged in his roll-top
desk and apparently tried to pull out his hair.
He looked back at her and blurted, “Oh!
You, Miss Golden? They said you’d take
some dictation. Chase those blue-prints off that
chair and sit down. Be ready in a sec.”
While she sat on the edge of the chair
Babson yanked out drawers, plunged his wriggling hands
into folders, thrashed through a pile of papers and
letters that over-flowed a wire basket, and even hauled
a dictionary down from the top of the desk and hopefully
peered inside the front cover. All the time he
kept up comment at which Una smiled doubtfully, not
quite sure whether it was meant for her or not:
“Now what the doggone doggonishness
did I ever do with those doggone notes, anyway?
I ask you, in the — Here they —
Nope — ”
At last he found inside a book on
motor fuels the wad of copy-paper on which he had
scrawled notes with a broad, soft pencil, and he began
to dictate a short article on air-cooling. Una
was terrified lest she be unable to keep up, but she
had read recent numbers of the Gazette thoroughly,
she had practised the symbols for motor technologies,
and she was not troubled by being watched. Indeed,
Babson seemed to have enough to do in keeping his
restless spirit from performing the dismaying feat
of leaping straight out of his body. He leaned
back in his revolving desk-chair with a complaining
squawk from the spring, he closed his eyes, put his
fingers together piously, then seized the chair-arms
and held them, while he cocked one eye open and squinted
at a large alarm-clock on the desk. He sighed
profoundly, bent forward, gazed at his ankle, and
reached forward to scratch it. All this time he
was dictating, now rapidly, now gurgling and grunting
while he paused to find a word.
“Don’t be so nervous!”
Una wanted to scream at him, and she wanted to add,
“You didn’t ask my permission!” when
he absently fumbled in a cigarette-box.
She didn’t like Walter Babson, after all!
But he stopped after a rhapsody on
the divine merits of an air-cooling system, clawed
his billowing black hair, and sighed, “Sounds
improbable, don’t it? Must be true, though;
it’s going to appear in the Gazette,
and that’s the motor-dealer’s bible.
If you don’t believe it, read the blurbs we
publish about ourselves!” Then he solemnly winked
at her and went on dictating.
When he had finished he demanded,
“Ever take any dictation in this office before?”
“No, sir.”
“Ever take any motor dictation at all?”
“No, sir.”
“Then you’d better read
that back to me. Your immejit boss — the
office-manager — is all right, but the secretary
of the company is always pussy-footing around, and
if you’re ever having any trouble with your
stuff when old plush-ears is in sight, keep on typing
fast, no matter what you put down. Now read me
the dope.”
It was approximately correct.
He nodded, and, “Good work, little girl,”
he said. “You’ll get along all right.
You get my dictation better than that agitated antelope
Miss Harman does, right now. That’s all.”
Se
So far as anything connected with
Walter Babson could be regular, Una became his regular
stenographer, besides keeping up her copying.
He was always rushing out, apologizing for troubling
her, sitting on the edge of her desk, dictating a
short letter, and advising her to try his latest brand
of health food, which, this spring, was bran biscuits — probably
combined with highballs and too much coffee. The
other stenographers winked at him, and he teased them
about their coiffures and imaginary sweethearts....
For three days the women’s coat-room boiled
with giggles over Babson’s declaration that Miss
MacThrostle was engaged to a burglar, and was taking
a correspondence course in engraving in order to decorate
her poor dear husband’s tools with birds and
poetic mottoes.
Babson was less jocular with Una than
with the bouncing girls who were natives of Harlem.
But he smiled at her, as though they were understanding
friends, and once he said, but quietly, rather respectfully,
“You have nice hair — soft.”
She lay awake to croon that to herself, though she
denied that she was in love with this eccentric waster.
Always Babson kept up his ejaculations
and fidgeting. He often accused himself of shiftlessness
and begged her to make sure that he dictated certain
matter before he escaped for the evening. “Come
in and bother the life out of me. Come in every
half-hour,” he would say. When she did
come in he would crow and chuckle, “Nope.
I refuse to be tempted yet; I am a busy man.
But maybe I’ll give you those verbal jewels of
great price on your next visitation, oh thou in the
vocative — some Latin scholar, eh? Keep
it up, kid; good work. Maybe you’ll keep
me from being fired.”
Usually he gave her the dictation
before he went. But not always. And once
he disappeared for four days — on a drunk,
everybody said, in excited office gossip.
During Babson’s desertion the
managing editor called Una in and demanded, “Did
Mr. Babson give you some copy about the Manning Wind
Shield? No? Will you take a look in his desk
for his notes about it?”
While Una was fumbling for the notes
she did not expect to find, she went through all the
agony of the little shawled foreign wife for the husband
who has been arrested.
“I’ve got to help you!”
she said to his desk, to his bag of Bull Durham,
to his alarm-clock — even to a rather shocking
collection of pictures of chorus-girls and diaphanously-clad
dancers which was pasted inside the double drawer
on the right side of the desk. In her great surge
of emotion, she noticed these posturing hussies far
less than she did a little volume of Rosetti, or the
overshoes whose worn toes suddenly revealed to her
that Walter Babson, the editor, was not rich — was
not, perhaps, so very much better paid than herself.
She did not find the notes. She
had to go to the managing editor, trembling, all her
good little heart wild with pain. The editor’s
brows made a V at her report, and he grunted, “Well — ”
For two days, till Walter Babson returned,
she never failed to look up when the outer door of
the office opened.
She found herself immensely interested
in trying to discover, from her low plane as copyist,
just what sort of a position Walter Babson occupied
up among the select souls. Nor was it very difficult.
The editor’s stenographer may not appreciate
all the subtleties of his wit, and the refinements
of his manner may leave her cold, but she does hear
things, she hears the Big Chief’s complaints.
Una discovered that the owner and
the managing editor did not regard Walter Babson as
a permanent prop of the institution; that they would
keep him, at his present salary of twenty-five dollars
a week, only till some one happened in who would do
the same work for less money. His prose was clever
but irregular; he wasn’t always to be depended
upon for grammar; in everything he was unstable; yet
the owner’s secretary reported the owner as
saying that some day, if Babson married the right
woman, he would “settle down and make good.”
Una did not dare to make private reservations
regarding what “the right woman” ought
to mean in this case, but she burned at the thought
of Walter Babson’s marrying, and for an instant
she saw quite clearly the film of soft dark hair that
grew just below his sharp cheek-bone. But she
forgot the sweetness of the vision in scorn of herself
for even thinking of marriage with a weakling; scorn
of herself for aspiring to marry a man who regarded
her as only a dull stenographer; and a maternal anxiety
over him that was untouched by passion.
Babson returned to the office, immaculate,
a thin, fiery soul. But he was closeted with
the secretary of the company for an hour, and when
he came out his step was slow. He called for
Una and dictated articles in a quiet voice, with no
jesting. His hand was unsteady, he smoked cigarettes
constantly, and his eye was an unwholesome yellow.
She said to him suddenly, a few days
later, “Mr. Babson, I’d be glad if I could
take care of any papers or anything for you.”
“Thanks. You might stick
these chassis sketches away some place right now.”
So she was given the chance to keep
his desk straight. He turned to her for everything.
He said to her, abruptly, one dreary
late afternoon of April when she felt immensely languid
and unambitious: “You’re going to
succeed — unless you marry some dub.
But there’s one rule for success — mind
you, I don’t follow it myself, I can’t,
but it’s a grand old hunch: ’If you
want to get on, always be ready to occupy the job
just ahead of you.’ Only — what
the devil is the job just ahead of a stenog.?
I’ve been thinking of you and wondering.
What is it?”
“Honestly, Mr. Babson, I don’t
know. Here, anyway. Unless it’s lieutenant
of the girls.”
“Well — oh, that’s
just miffle-business, that kind of a job. Well,
you’d better learn to express yourself, anyway.
Some time you women folks will come into your own
with both feet. Whenever you get the chance, take
my notes and try to write a better spiel from them
than I do.... That won’t be hard, I guess!”
“I don’t know why you
are so modest, Mr. Babson. Every girl in the
office thinks you write better than any of the other
editors.”
“Yuh — but they don’t
know. They think that just because I chuck ’em
under the chin. I can’t do this technical
stuff.... Oh, Lord! what an evening it’ll
be!... I suppose I’ll go to a show.
Nice, lonely city, what?... You come from here?”
“From Pennsylvania.”
“Got any folks?”
“My mother is here with me.”
“That’s nice. I’ll
take her and you to some bum two-bit vaudeville show
some night, if you’d like.... Got to show
my gratitude to you for standing my general slovenliness....
Lord! nice evening — dine at a rotisserie
with a newspaper for companion. Well — g’
night and g’ luck.”
Una surprised her mother, when they
were vivisecting the weather after dinner, by suddenly
crying all over the sofa cushions.
She knew all of Walter Babson’s
life from those two or three sentences of his.
Se
Francois Villons America has a-plenty.
An astonishing number of Americans with the literary
itch do contrive to make a living out of that affliction.
They write motion-picture scenarios and fiction for
the magazines that still regard detective stories
as the zenith of original art. They gather in
woman-scented flats to discuss sex, or in hard-voiced
groups to play poker. They seem to find in the
creation of literature very little besides a way of
evading regular office hours. Below this stratum
of people so successful that one sometimes sees their
names in print is the yearning band of young men who
want to write. Just to write — not to
write anything in particular; not to express any definite
thought, but to be literary, to be Bohemian, to dance
with slim young authoresses of easy morals, and be
jolly dogs and free souls. Some of them are dramatists
with unacted dramas; some of them do free verse which
is just as free as the productions of regular licensed
poets. Some of them do short stories — striking,
rather biological, very destructive of conventions.
Some of them are ever so handy at all forms; they
are perennial candidates for any job as book-reviewer,
dramatic critic, or manuscript-reader, since they
have the naïve belief that these occupations require
neither toil nor training, and enable one to “write
on the side.” Meanwhile they make their
livings as sub-editors on trade journals, as charity-workers,
or as assistants to illiterate literary agents.
To this slum of literature Walter
Babson belonged. He felt that he was an author,
though none of his poetry had ever been accepted, and
though he had never got beyond the first chapter of
any of his novels, nor the first act of any of his
plays (which concerned authors who roughly resembled
Walter Babson).
He was distinguished from his fellows
by the fact that each year he grew more aware that
he hadn’t even a dim candle of talent; that he
was ill-planned and unpurposed; that he would have
to settle down to the ordinary gray limbo of jobs
and offices — as soon as he could get control
of his chaotic desires. Literally, he hated himself
at times; hated his own egotism, his treacherous appetite
for drink and women and sloth, his imitative attempts
at literature. But no one knew how bitterly he
despised himself, in lonely walks in the rain, in savage
pacing about his furnished room. To others he
seemed vigorously conceited, cock-sure, noisily ready
to blame the world for his own failures.
Walter Babson was born in Kansas.
His father was a farmer and horse-doctor, a heavy
drinker, an eccentric who joined every radical political
movement. In a country school, just such a one
as Una had taught, then in high school in a near-by
town, Walter had won all the prizes for essays and
debating, and had learned a good deal about Shakespeare
and Cæsar and George Washington. Also he had
learned a good deal about drinking beer, smoking manfully,
and tempting the giggling girls who hung about the
“deepot.” He ran away from high school,
and in the most glorious years of his life worked
his way down the Mississippi and up the Rio Grande,
up to Alaska and down to Costa Rica, a butt and jester
for hoboes, sailors, longshoremen, miners, cow-punchers,
lunch-room owners, and proprietors of small newspapers.
He learned to stick type and run a press. He
returned to Kansas and worked on a country newspaper,
studying poetry and college-entrance requirements in
the evening. He had, at this time, the not entirely
novel idea that “he ought to be able to make
a lot of good fiction out of all his experiences.”
Actually, he had no experiences, because he had no
instinct for beauty. The proof is that he read
quite solemnly and reverently a vile little periodical
for would-be authors, which reduced authorship to
a way of earning one’s living by supplying editors
with cheap but ingenious items to fill space.
It put literature on a level with keeping a five-and-ten-cent
store. But Walter conned its pompous trade journal
discussions as to whether the name and address of the
author should be typed on the left or the right side
of the first page of a manuscript; its lively little
symposia, by such successful market-gardeners of literature
as Mamie Stuyvesant Blupp and Bill Brown and Dr. J.
F. Fitzneff, on the inspiring subject of whether it
paid better to do filler verse for cheap magazines,
or long verse for the big magazines. At the end,
this almost madly idealistic journal gave a list of
wants of editors; the editor of Lingerie and Laughter
wanted “short, snappy stuff with a kick in it;
especially good yarns about models, grisettes,
etc.” Wanderlust was in the
market for “stories with a punch that appealed
to every red-blooded American; nothing about psychology,
problems, Europe, or love wanted.” The Plymouth
Rock Fancier announced that it could use “a
good, lively rural poem every week; must be clean
and original.”
Pathos there was in all of this; the
infinitely little men and women daring to buy and
sell “short, snappy stuff” in this somber
and terribly beautiful world of Balzac and Wells and
Turgenieff. And pathos there was in that wasted
year when Walter Babson sought to climb from the gossiping
little prairie town to the grandeur of great capitals
by learning to be an efficient manufacturer of “good,
lively rural poems.” He neglected even
his college-entrance books, the Ruskin whose clots
of gilt might have trained him to look for real gold,
and the stilted Burke who might have given him a vision
of empires and races and social destinies. And
for his pathetic treachery he wasn’t even rewarded.
His club-footed verses were always returned with printed
rejection slips.
When at last he barely slid into Jonathan
Edwards College, Iowa, Walter was already becoming
discouraged; already getting the habit of blaming
the gods, capitalists, editors, his father, the owner
of the country newspaper on which he had been working,
for everything that went wrong. He yammered destructive
theories which would have been as obnoxious to a genuine
fighting revolutionist as they were sacrilegious to
his hard-fisted, earnest, rustic classmates in Jonathan
Edwards. For Walter was not protesting against
social injustice. The slavery of rubber-gatherers
in the Putumayo and of sweatshop-workers in New York
did not exist for him. He was protesting because,
at the age of twenty, his name was not appearing in
large flattering capitals on the covers of magazines.
Yet he was rather amusing; he helped
plodding classmates with their assignments, and he
was an active participant in all worthy movements to
raise hell — as they admirably described it.
By the end of his Freshman year he had given up all
attempts to be a poet and to extract nourishment from
the college classes, which were as hard and unpalatable
as dried codfish. He got drunk, he vented his
energy in noisy meetings with itinerant filles
de joie, who were as provincial and rustic, as
bewildered and unfortunate as the wild country boys,
who in them found their only outlet for youth’s
madness. Walter was abruptly expelled from college
by the one man in the college whom he respected — the
saintly president, who had dreams of a new Harvard
on the prairies.
So Walter Babson found himself at
twenty-one an outcast. He declaimed — though
no one would believe him — that all the gentle
souls he had ever encountered were weak; all the virile
souls vicious or suspicious.
He drifted. He doubted himself,
and all the more noisily asserted his talent and the
injustice of the world. He looked clean and energetic
and desirous, but he had nothing on which to focus.
He became an active but careless reporter on newspapers
in Wichita, Des Moines, Kansas City,
St. Louis, Seattle, Los Angeles, San Francisco.
Between times he sold real-estate and insurance and
sets of travel books, for he had no pride of journalism;
he wanted to keep going and keep interested and make
money and spend it; he wanted to express himself without
trying to find out what his self was.
It must be understood that, for all
his vices, Walter was essentially clean and kindly.
He rushed into everything, the bad with the good.
He was not rotten with heavy hopelessness; though
he was an outcast from his home, he was never a pariah.
Not Walter, but the smug, devilish cities which took
their revenues from saloon-keeping were to blame when
he turned from the intolerable dullness of their streets
to the excitement of alcohol in the saloons and brothels
which they made so much more amusing than their churches
and parlors.
Everywhere in the Western newspaper
circles Walter heard stories of Californians who had
gone East and become geniuses the minute they crossed
the Hudson.... Walter also went East and crossed
the Hudson, but he did not become a genius. If
there had been an attic to starve in, he would have
starved in one, but as New York has nothing so picturesque,
he starved in furnished rooms instead, while he wrote
“special stories” for Sunday newspapers,
and collected jokes for a syndicated humorous column.
He was glad to become managing editor (though he himself
was the only editor he had to manage) of a magazine
for stamp-collectors. He wrote some advertisements
for a Broadway dealer in automobile accessories, read
half a dozen books on motors, and brazenly demanded
his present position on the Motor and Gas Gazette.
He was as far from the rarified air
of Bohemia (he really believed that sort of thing)
as he had been in Kansas, except that he knew one man
who made five thousand dollars a year by writing stories
about lumberjacks, miners, cow-punchers, and young
ladies of quite astounding courage. He was twenty-seven
years old when he met Una Golden. He still read
Omar Khayyam. He had a vague plan of going into
real estate. There ought, he felt, to be money
in writing real-estate advertisements.
He kept falling in love with stenographers
and waitresses, with actresses whom he never met.
He was never satisfied. He didn’t at all
know what he wanted, but he wanted something stronger
than himself.
He was desperately lonely — a
humorous figure who had dared to aspire beyond the
manure-piles of his father’s farm; therefore
a young man to be ridiculed. And in his tragic
loneliness he waited for the day when he should find
any love, any labor, that should want him enough to
seek him and demand that he sacrifice himself.
Se
It was Una’s first city spring.
Save in the squares, where the bourgeoning
trees made green-lighted spaces for noon-time lovers,
there was no change; no blossomy stir in asphalt and
cement and brick and steel. Yet everything was
changed. Between the cornices twenty stories
above the pavement you could see a slit of softer
sky, and there was a peculiar radiance in just the
light itself, whether it lay along the park turf or
made its way down an air-well to rest on a stolid
wall of yellow brick. The river breeze, flowing
so persuasively through streets which had been stormed
by dusty gales, bore happiness. Grind-organs
made music for ragged, dancing children, and old brick
buildings smelled warm. Peanut-wagons came out
with a long, shrill whine, locusts of the spring.
In the office even the most hustling
of the great ones became human. They talked of
suburban gardens and of motoring out to country clubs
for tennis. They smiled more readily, and shamelessly
said, “I certainly got the spring fever for
fair to-day”; and twice did S. Herbert Ross go
off to play golf all afternoon. The stenographer
who commuted — always there is one girl in
the office who commutes — brought spring in
the form of pussy-willows and apple-blossoms, and
was noisily envied.
The windows were open now, and usually
some one was speculatively looking down to the life
on the pavement, eight stories below. At noon-hour
the younger girls of the office strolled along the
sidewalk in threes and fours, bareheaded, their arms
about one another, their spring-time lane an irregular
course between boxes in front of loft-buildings; or
they ate their box-and-paper-napkin lunches on the
fire-escape that wound down into the court. They
gigglingly drew their skirts about their ankles and
flirted with young porters and packers who leaned
from windows across the court. Una sat with them
and wished that she could flirt like the daughters
of New York. She listened eagerly to their talk
of gathering violets in Van Cortlandt Park and tramping
on the Palisades. She noted an increased number
of excited confidences to the effect that, “He
says to me — ” and “I says to
him — ” and, “Say, gee! honest,
Tess, he’s a swell fellow.” She caught
herself wanting to tramp the Palisades with — with
the Walter Babson who didn’t even know her first
name.
When she left the flat these mornings
she forgot her lonely mother instantly in the treacherous
magic of the tender sky, and wanted to run away, to
steal the blue and silver day for her own. But
it was gone when she reached the office — no
silver and blue day was here; but, on golden-oak desk
and oak-and-frosted-glass semi-partitions, the same
light as in the winter. Sometimes, if she got
out early, a stilly afterglow of amber and turquoise
brought back the spring. But all day long she
merely saw signs that otherwhere, for other people,
spring did exist; and she wistfully trusted in it
as she watched and helped Walter Babson.
She was conscious that she was working
more intimately with him as a comrade now, not as
clerk with executive. There had been no one illuminating
moment of understanding; he was impersonal with her;
but each day their relationship was less of a mechanical
routine, more of a personal friendship. She felt
that he really depended on her steady carefulness;
she knew that through the wild tangle of his impulsiveness
she saw a desire to be noble.
Se
He came clattering down the aisle
of desks to her one May afternoon, and begged, “Say,
Miss Golden, I’m stuck. I got to get out
some publicity on the Governor’s good-roads
article we’re going to publish; want to send
it out to forty papers in advance, and I can’t
get only a dozen proofs. And it’s got to
go off to-night. Can you make me some copies?
You can use onion-skin paper and carbon ’em
and make anyway five copies at a whack. But prob’ly
you’d have to stay late. Got anything on
to-night? Could you do it? Could you do
it? Could you?”
“Surely.”
“Well, here’s the stuff.
Just single-space that introductory spiel at the top,
will you?”
Una rudely turned out of her typewriter
a form-letter which she was writing for S. Herbert
Ross, and began to type Walter’s publicity, her
shoulders bent, her eyes intent, oblivious to the steady
stream of gossip which flowed from stenographer to
stenographer, no matter how busy they were. He
needed her! She would have stayed till midnight.
While the keys burred under her fingers she was unconsciously
telling herself a story of how she would be working
half the night, with the office still and shadowy,
of how a dead-white face would peer through the window
near her desk (difficult of accomplishment, as the
window was eight stories up in air), of how she was
to be pursued by a man on the way home; and how, when
she got there, her mother would say, “I just
don’t see how you could neglect me like this
all evening.” All the while she felt herself
in touch with large affairs — an article by
the Governor of the State; these very sheets that
she was typing to go to famous newspapers, to the
“thundering presses” of which she had read
in fiction; urgency, affairs, and — doing
something for Walter Babson.
She was still typing swiftly at five-thirty,
the closing hour. The article was long; she had
at least two hours of work ahead. Miss Moynihan
came stockily to say good-night. The other stenographers
fluttered out to the elevators. Their corner became
oppressively quiet. The office-manager gently
puttered about, bade her good-night, drifted away.
S. Herbert Ross boomed out of his office, explaining
the theory of advertising to a gasoleny man in a pin-checked
suit as they waddled to the elevator. The telephone-girl
hurried back to connect up a last call, frowned while
she waited, yanked out the plug, and scuttled away — a
creamy, roe-eyed girl, pretty and unhappy at her harassing
job of connecting nervous talkers all day. Four
men, editors and advertising-men, shouldered out,
bawling over a rather feeble joke about Bill’s
desire for a drink and their willingness to help him
slay the booze-evil. Una was conscious that they
had gone, that walls of silence were closing about
her clacking typewriter. And that Walter Babson
had not gone; that he was sharing with her this whispering
forsaken office.
Presently he came rambling out of the editorial-room.
He had taken off his grotesque, great
horn-rimmed glasses. His eyes were mutinous in
his dark melancholy face; he drew a hand over them
and shook his head. Una was aware of all this
in one glance. “Poor, tired boy!”
she thought.
He sat on the top of the nearest desk,
hugged his knee, rocked back and forth, and said,
“Much left, Miss Golden?”
“I think I’ll be through in about two
hours.”
“Oh, Lord! I can’t let you stay that
late.”
“It doesn’t matter.
Really! I’ll be glad. I haven’t
had to stay late much.”
For quite the first time he stared
straight at her, saw her as a human being. She
was desperately hoping that her hair was smooth and
that there wasn’t any blue from the typewriter
ribbon daubed on her cheeks!... He ceased his
rocking; appraised her. A part of her brain was
wondering what he would do; a part longing to smile
temptingly at him; a part coldly commanding, “You
will not be a little fool — he isn’t
interested in you, and you won’t try to make
him be, either!”
“Why, you look as fagged as
I feel,” he said. “I suppose I’m
as bad as the rest. I kick like a steer when
the Old Man shoves some extra work on me, and then
I pass the buck and make you stay late.
Say! Tell you what we’ll do.”
Very sweet to her was his “we,” and his
intimacy of tone. “I’ll start copying,
too. I’m quite considerable at machine-pounding
myself, and we can get the thing done and mailed by
six-thirty or so, and then I’ll buy you a handsome
dinner at Childs’s. Gosh! I’ll
even blow you to a piece of pie; and I’ll shoot
you up home by quarter to eight. Great stuff!
Gimme a copy of the drool. Meanwhile you’ll
have a whole hour for worried maiden thoughts over
going out to eat with the bad, crazy Wally Babson!”
His smile was a caress. Her breath
caught, she smiled back at him fearfully. Then
he was gone. In the editorial office was heard
the banging of his heavy old typewriter — it
was an office joke, Walter’s hammering of the
“threshing-machine.”
She began to type again, with mechanical
rapidity, not consciously seeing the copy, so distraught
was she as she murmured, “Oh, I oughtn’t
to go out with him.... But I will!... What
nonsense! Why shouldn’t I have dinner with
him.... Oh, I mustn’t — I’m
a typist and he’s a boss.... But I will!”
Glancing down the quiet stretches
of the office, to the windows looking to westward,
she saw that the sky was a delicate primrose.
In a loft-building rearing out of the low structures
between her and the North River, lights were springing
out, and she — who ought to have known that
they marked weary, late-staying people like herself,
fancied that they were the lights of restaurants for
gay lovers. She dismissed her problem, forgot
the mother who was waiting with a demand for all of
Una’s youth, and settled down to a happy excitement
in the prospect of going out with Walter; of knowing
him, of feeling again that smile.
He came prancing out with his copies
of the article before she had finished. “Some
copyist, eh?” he cried. “Say, hustle
and finish. Gee! I’ve been smoking
cigarettes to-day till my mouth tastes like a fish-market.
Want to eat and forget my troubles.”
With her excitement dulled to a matter-of-fact
hungriness, she trotted beside him to a restaurant,
one of the string of Vance eating-places, a food-mill
which tried to achieve originality by the use of imitation
rafters, a plate-rack aligned with landscape plates,
and varnished black tables for four instead of the
long, marble tables which crowded the patrons together
in most places of the sort. Walter verbosely called
her attention to the mottoes painted on the wood,
the individual table lights in pink shades. “Just
forget the eats, Miss Golden, and you can imagine
you’re in a regular restaurant. Gosh! this
place ought to reconcile you to dining with the crazy
Babson. I can’t imagine a liaison in a
place where coffee costs five cents.”
He sounded boisterous, but he took
her coat so languidly, he slid so loosely into his
chair, that she burned with desire to soothe away his
office weariness. She forgot all reserve.
She burst out: “Why do you call yourself
‘crazy’? Just because you have more
energy than anybody else in the office?”
“No,” he said, grimly,
snatching at the menu, “because I haven’t
any purpose in the scheme of things.”
Una told herself that she was pleased
to see how the scrawny waitress purred at Walter when
he gave his order. Actually she was feeling resentfully
that no saw-voiced, galumphing Amazon of a waitress
could appreciate Walter’s smile.
In a Vance eating-place, ordering
a dinner, and getting approximately what you order,
is not a delicate epicurean art, but a matter of business,
and not till an enormous platter of “Vance’s
Special Ham and Eggs, Country Style,” was slammed
down between them, and catsup, Worcestershire sauce,
napkins, more rolls, water, and another fork severally
demanded of the darting waitress, did Walter seem to
remember that this was a romantic dinner with a strange
girl, not a deal in food-supplies.
His wavering black eyes searched her
face. She was agitatedly aware that her skin
was broken out in a small red spot beside her lips;
but she hoped that he would find her forehead clear,
her mouth a flower. He suddenly nodded, as though
he had grown used to her and found her comfortable.
While his wreathing hands picked fantastically at a
roll and made crosses with lumps of sugar, his questions
probed at that hidden soul which she herself had never
found. It was the first time that any one had
demanded her formula of life, and in her struggle to
express herself she rose into a frankness which Panama
circles of courtship did not regard as proper to young
women.
“What’s your ambition?”
he blurted. “Going to just plug along and
not get anywhere?”
“No, I’m not; but it’s
hard. Women aren’t trusted in business,
and you can’t count without responsibility.
All I can do is keep looking.”
“Go out for suffrage, feminism, so on?”
“I don’t know anything
about them. Most women don’t know anything
about them — about anything!”
“Huh! Most people
don’t! Wouldn’t have office-grinding
if people did know anything.... How much training
have you had?”
“Oh, public school, high school, commercial
college.”
“Where?”
“Panama, Pennsylvania.”
“I know. About like my
own school in Kansas — the high-school principal
would have been an undertaker if he’d had more
capital.... Gee! principal and capital — might
make a real cunning pun out of that if I worked over
it a little. I know.... Go to church?”
“Why — why, yes, of course.”
“Which god do you favor at present — Unitarian
or Catholic or Christian Science or Seventh-Day Advent?”
“Why, it’s the same — ”
“Now don’t spring that
‘it’s the same God’ stuff on me.
It isn’t the same God that simply hones for
candles and music in an Episcopal Church and gives
the Plymouth Brotherhood a private copyright revelation
that organs and candles are wicked.”
“You’re terribly sacrilegious.”
“You don’t believe any
such thing. Or else you’d lam me — same
as they used to do in the crusades. You don’t
really care a hang.”
“No, I really don’t care!” she was
amazed to hear herself admit.
“Of course, I’m terribly
crude and vulgar, but then what else can you be in
dealing with a bunch of churches that haven’t
half the size or beauty of farmers’ red barns?
And yet the dubs go on asserting that they believe
the church is God’s house. If I were God,
I’d sure object to being worse housed than the
cattle. But, gosh! let’s pass that up.
If I started in on what I think of almost anything — churches
or schools, or this lying advertising game — I’d
yelp all night, and you could always answer me that
I’m merely a neurotic failure, while the big
guns that I jump on own motor-cars.” He
stopped his rapid tirade, chucked a lump of sugar
at an interrogative cat which was making the round
of the tables, scowled, and suddenly fired at her:
“What do you think of me?”
“You’re the kindest person I ever met.”
“Huh? Kind? Good to my mother?”
“Perhaps. You’ve
made the office happy for me. I really admire
you.... I s’pose I’m terribly unladylike
to tell you.”
“Gee whiz!” he marveled.
“Got an admirer! And I always thought you
were an uncommonly level-headed girl. Shows how
you can fool ’em.”
He smiled at her, directly, rather forlornly, proud
of her praise.
Regardless of other tables, he thrust
his arm across, and with the side of his hand touched
the side of hers for a second. Dejectedly he said:
“But why do you like me? I’ve good
intentions; I’m willing to pinch Tolstoi’s
laurels right off his grave, and orate like William
Jennings Bryan. And there’s a million yearners
like me. There ain’t a hall-bedroom boy
in New York that wouldn’t like to be a genius.”
“I like you because you have fire. Mr.
Babson, do you — ”
“Walter!”
“How premature you are!”
“Walter!”
“You’ll be calling me
‘Una’ next, and think how shocked the girls
will be.”
“Oh no. I’ve quite
decided to call you ‘Goldie.’ Sounds
nice and sentimental. But for heaven’s
sake go on telling me why you like me. That isn’t
a hackneyed subject.”
“Oh, I’ve never known
anybody with fire, except maybe S. Herbert Ross,
and he — he — ”
“He blobs around.”
“Yes, something like that.
I don’t know whether you are ever going to do
anything with your fire, but you do have it, Mr. Babson!”
“I’ll probably get fired
with it.... Say, do you read Omar?”
In nothing do the inarticulate “million
hall-room boys who want to be geniuses,” the
ordinary, unshaved, not over-bathed, ungrammatical
young men of any American city, so nearly transcend
provincialism as in an enthusiasm over their favorite
minor cynic, Elbert Hubbard or John Kendrick Bangs,
or, in Walter Babson’s case, Mr. Fitzgerald’s
variations on Omar. Una had read Omar as a pretty
poem about roses and murmurous courts, but read him
she had; and such was Walter’s delight in that
fact that he immediately endowed her with his own
ability to enjoy cynicism. He jabbed at the menu
with a fork and glowed and shouted, “Say, isn’t
it great, that quatrain about ’Take the cash
and let the credit go’?”
While Una beamed and enjoyed her boy’s
youthful enthusiasm. Mother of the race, ancient
tribal woman, medieval chatelaine, she was just now;
kin to all the women who, in any age, have clapped
their hands to their men’s boasting.
She agreed with him that “All
these guys that pride themselves on being gentlemen — like
in English novels — are jus’ the same
as the dubs you see in ordinary life.”
And that it was not too severe an
indictment to refer to the advertising-manager as
“S. Herbert Louse.”
And that “the woman feeding
by herself over at that corner table looks mysterious,
somehow. Gee! there must be a tragedy in her life.”
But her gratification in being admitted
to his enthusiasms was only a background for her flare
when he boldly caught up her white paw and muttered,
“Tired little hand that has to work so hard!”
She couldn’t move; she was afraid
to look at him. Clattering restaurant and smell
of roast pork and people about her all dissolved in
her agitation. She shook her head violently to
awaken herself, heard herself say, calmly, “It’s
terribly late. Don’t you think it is?”
and knew that she was arising. But she moved
beside him down the street in languor, wondering in
every cell of her etherealized body whether he would
touch her hand again; what he would do. Not till
they neared the Subway station did she, woman, the
protector, noting his slow step and dragging voice,
rouse herself to say, “Oh, don’t come up
in the Subway; I’m used to it, really!”
“My dear Goldie, you aren’t
used to anything in real life. Gee! I said
that snappily, and it don’t mean a thing!”
he gleefully pointed out. He seized her arm,
which prickled to the touch of his fingers, rushed
her down the Subway steps, and while he bought their
tickets they smiled at each other.
Several times on the way up he told
her that it was a pleasure to have some one who could
“appreciate his honest-t’-God opinions
of the managing editor and S. Herbert Frost.”
The Subway, plunging through unvaried
darkness, levitated them from the district of dark
loft-buildings and theater-bound taxicabs to a far-out
Broadway, softened with trees and brightened with small
apartment-houses and little shops. They could
see a great feathery space of vernal darkness down
over the Hudson at the end of a street. Steel-bound
nature seemed reaching for them wherever in a vacant
lot she could get free and send out quickening odors
of fresh garden soil.
“Almost country,” said Walter.
An urgent, daring look came into his
eyes, under the light-cluster. He stopped, took
her arm. There was an edge of spring madness in
his voice as he demanded, “Wouldn’t you
like to run away with me to-night? Feel this
breeze on your lips — it’s simply plumb-full
of mystery. Wouldn’t you like to run away?
and we’d tramp the Palisades till dawn and go
to sleep with the May sun glaring down the Hudson.
Wouldn’t you like to, wouldn’t you?”
She was conscious that, though his
head was passionately thrown back, his faunlike eyes
stared into hers, and that his thin lips arched.
Terribly she wanted to say, “Yes!” Actually,
Una Golden of Panama and the Gazette office
speculated, for a tenth of a second, whether she couldn’t
go. Madness — river-flow and darkness
and the stars! But she said, “No, I’m
afraid we couldn’t possibly!”
“No,” he said, slowly.
“Of course — of course I didn’t
mean we could; but — Goldie, little
Goldie that wants to live and rule things, wouldn’t
you like to go? Wouldn’t you?”
“Yes!... You hurt my arm so!... Oh,
don’t! We must — ”
Her low cry was an appeal to him to
save them from spring’s scornful, lusty demand;
every throbbing nerve in her seemed to appeal to him;
and it was not relief, but gratitude, that she felt
when he said, tenderly, “Poor kid!... Which
way? Come.” They walked soberly toward
the Golden flat, and soberly he mused, “Poor
kids, both of us trying to be good slaves in an office
when we want to smash things.... You’ll
be a queen — you’ll grab the throne
same as you grab papers offn my desk. And maybe
you’ll let me be court jester.”
“Why do you say I’ll — oh,
be a queen? Do you mean literally, in business,
an executive?”
“Hadn’t thought just what
it did imply, but I suppose it’s that.”
“But why, why? I’m
simply one of a million stenographers.”
“Oh, well, you aren’t
satisfied to take things just as they’re handed
to you. Most people are, and they stick in a
rut and wonder who put them there. All this success
business is a mystery — listen to how successful
men trip themselves up and fall all over their foolish
faces when they try to explain to a bunch of nice,
clean, young clerks how they stole their success.
But I know you’ll get it, because you aren’t
satisfied easily — you take my work and do
it. And yet you’re willing to work in one
corner till it’s time to jump. That’s
my failing — I ain’t willing to stick.”
“I — perhaps — Here’s
the flat.”
“Lord!” he cried; “we got
to walk a block farther and back.”
“Well — ”
They were stealing onward toward the
breeze from the river before she had finished her
“Well.”
“Think of wasting this hypnotizing
evening talking of success — word that means
a big house in Yonkers! When we’ve become
friends, Goldie, little Goldie. Business of souls
grabbing for each other! Friends — at
least to-night! Haven’t we, dear? haven’t
we?”
“Oh, I hope so!” she whispered.
He drew her hand into his pocket and
clasped it there. She looked shyly down.
Strange that her hand should not be visible when she
could feel its palm flame against his. She let
it snuggle there, secure.... Mr. Walter Babson
was not a young man with “bad prospects,”
or “good prospects”; he was love incarnate
in magic warm flesh, and his hand was the hand of
love. She was conscious of his hard-starched cuff
pressing against her bare arm — a man’s
cuff under the rough surface of his man’s coat-sleeve.
He brought her back to the vestibule
of the flat. For a moment he held both her arms
at the elbow and looked at her, while with a panic
fear she wondered why she could not move — wondered
if he were going to kiss her.
He withdrew his hands, sighed, “Good-night,
Goldie. I won’t be lonely to-night!”
and turned abruptly away.
Through all of Mrs. Golden’s
long, sobbing queries as to why Una had left her alone
all evening Una was patient. For she knew that
she had ahead of her a quiet moment when she would
stand alone with the god of love and pray to him to
keep her boy, her mad boy, Walter.
While she heard her voice crisply
explaining, “Why, you see, mother dear, I simply
had to get some work done for the office — ”
Una was telling herself, “Some day he will
kiss me, and I’m not sorry he didn’t
to-night — not now any more I’m not....
It’s so strange — I like to have him
touch me, and I simply never could stand other men
touching me!... I wonder if he’s excited
now, too? I wonder what he’s doing....
Oh, I’m glad, glad I loved his hands!”
CHAPTER VI
“I never thought a nice girl
could be in love with a man who is bad, and I s’pose
Walter is bad. Kind of. But maybe he’ll
become good.”
So Una simple-heartedly reflected
on her way to the Subway next morning. She could
not picture what he would do, now that it was hard,
dry day again, and all the world panted through dusty
streets. And she recklessly didn’t care.
For Walter was not hard and dry and dusty; and she
was going to see him again! Sometimes she was
timorous about seeing him, because he had read the
longing in her face, had known her soul with its garments
thrown away. But, timorous or not, she had to
see him; she would never let him go, now that he had
made her care for him.
Walter was not in sight when she entered
the offices, and she was instantly swept into the
routine. Not clasping hands beguiled her, but
lists to copy, typing errors to erase, and the irritating
adjustment of a shift-key which fiendishly kept falling.
For two hours she did not see him.
About ten-thirty she was aware that
he was prosaically strolling toward her.
Hundreds of times, in secret maiden
speculations about love, the girl Una had surmised
that it would be embarrassing to meet a man the morning
after you had yielded to his caress. It had been
perplexing — one of those mysteries of love
over which virgins brood between chapters of novels,
of which they diffidently whisper to other girls when
young married friends are amazingly going to have
a baby. But she found it natural to smile up
at Walter.... In this varnished, daytime office
neither of them admitted their madness of meeting hands.
He merely stooped over her desk and
said, sketchily, “Mornin’, little Goldie.”
Then for hours he seemed to avoid
her. She was afraid. Most of all, afraid
of her own desire to go to him and wail that he was
avoiding her.
At three o’clock, when the office
tribe accept with naïve gratitude any excuse to talk,
to stop and tell one another a new joke, to rush to
the window and critically view a parade, Una saw that
Walter was beginning to hover near her. She was
angry that he did not come straight to her. He
did not seem quite to know whether he wanted her or
not. But her face was calm above her typing while
she watched him peer at her over the shoulder of S.
Herbert Ross, to whom he was talking. He drew
nearer to her. He examined a poster. She
was oblivious of him. She was conscious that
he was trying to find an excuse to say something without
openly admitting to the ever-spying row of stenographers
that he was interested in her. He wambled up
to her at last and asked for a letter she had filed
for him. She knew from the casual-looking drop
of his eyes that he was peering at the triangle of
her clear-skinned throat, and for his peeping uneasiness
she rather despised him. She could fancy herself
shouting at him, “Oh, stop fidgeting! Make
up your mind whether you like me or not, and hurry
up about it. I don’t care now.”
In which secret defiance she was able
to luxuriate — since he was still in the
office, not gone from her forever! — till
five o’clock, when the detached young men of
offices are wont to face another evening of lonely
irrelevancy, and desperately begin to reach for companionship.
At that hour Walter rushed up and
begged, “Goldie, you must come out with
me this evening.”
“I’m sorry, but it’s so late — ”
“Oh, I know. Gee! if you
knew how I’ve been thinking about you all day!
I’ve been wondering if I ought to —
I’m no good; blooming waster, I told myself;
and I wondered if I had any right to try to make you
care; but — Oh, you must come, Goldie!”
Una’s pride steeled her.
A woman can forgive any vice of man more readily than
she can forgive his not loving her so unhesitatingly
that he will demand her without stopping to think
of his vices. Refusal to sacrifice the beloved
is not a virtue in youth.
Una said, clearly, “I am sorry,
but I can’t possibly this evening.”
“Well — wish you could,” he sighed.
As he moved away Una reveled in having
refused his half-hearted invitation, but already she
was aware that she would regret it. She was shaken
with woman’s fiercely possessive clinging to
love.
The light on one side of her desk
was shut off by the bulky presence of Miss Moynihan.
She whispered, huskily, “Say, Miss Golden, you
want to watch out for that Babson fellow. He
acts like he was stuck on you. Say, listen; everybody
says he’s a bad one. Say, listen, honest;
they say he’d compromise a lady jus’ soon
as not.”
“Why, I don’t know what you mean.”
“Oh no, like fun you don’t — him
rubbering at you all day and pussy-footing around!”
“Why, you’re perfectly
crazy! He was merely asking me about some papers — ”
“Oh yes, sure! Lemme tell
you, a lady can’t be none too careful about
her reputation with one of them skinny, dark devils
like a Dago snooping around.”
“Why, you’re absolutely
ridiculous! Besides, how do you know Mr. Babson
is bad? Has he ever hurt anybody in the office?”
“No, but they say — ”
“’They say’!”
“Now don’t you go and
get peeved after you and me been such good friends,
Miss Golden. I don’t know that this Babson
fellow ever done anything worse than eat cracker-jack
at South Beach, but I was just telling you what they
all say — how he drinks and goes with a lot
of totties and all; but — but he’s
all right if you say so, and — honest t’
Gawd, Miss Golden, listen, honest, I wouldn’t
knock him for nothing if I thought he was your fellow!
And,” in admiration, “and him an editor!
Gee!”
Una tried to see herself as a princess
forgiving her honest servitor. But, as a matter
of fact, she was plain angry that her romance should
be dragged into the nastiness of office gossip.
She resented being a stenographer, one who couldn’t
withdraw into a place for dreams. And she fierily
defended Walter in her mind; throbbed with a big, sweet
pity for her nervous, aspiring boy whose quest for
splendor made him seem wild to the fools about them.
When, just at five-thirty, Walter
charged up to her again, she met him with a smile
of unrestrained intimacy.
“If you’re going to be
home at all this evening, let me come up just
for fifteen minutes!” he demanded.
“Yes!” she said, breathlessly.
“Oh, I oughtn’t to, but — come
up at nine.”
Se
Una had always mechanically liked
children; had ejaculated, “Oh, the pink little
darling!” over each neighborhood infant; had
pictured children of her own; but never till that
night had the desire to feel her own baby’s
head against her breast been a passion. After
dinner she sat on the stoop of her apartment-house,
watching the children at play between motors on the
street.
“Oh, it would be wonderful to
have a baby — a boy like Walter must have
been — to nurse and pet and cry over!”
she declared, as she watched a baby of faint, brown
ringlets — hair that would be black like Walter’s.
Later she chided herself for being so bold, so un-Panamanian;
but she was proud to know that she could long for
the pressure of a baby’s lips. The brick-walled
street echoed with jagged cries of children; tired
women in mussed waists poked their red, steamy necks
out of windows; the sky was a blur of gray; and, lest
she forget the job, Una’s left wrist ached from
typing; yet she heard the rustle of spring, and her
spirit swelled with thankfulness as she felt her life
to be not a haphazard series of days, but a divine
progress.
Walter was coming — to-night!
She was conscious of her mother, up-stairs.
From her place of meditation she had to crawl up the
many steps to the flat and answer at least twenty
questions as to what she had been doing. Of Walter’s
coming she could say nothing; she could not admit
her interest in a man she did not know.
At a quarter to nine she ventured
to say, ever so casually: “I feel sort
of headachy. I think I’ll run down and sit
on the steps again and get a little fresh air.”
“Let’s have a little walk.
I’d like some fresh air, too,” said Mrs.
Golden, brightly.
“Why — oh — to
tell the truth, I wanted to think over some office
business.”
“Oh, of course, my dear, if
I am in the way !” Mrs. Golden
sighed, and trailed pitifully off into the bedroom.
Una followed her, and wanted to comfort
her. But she could say nothing, because she was
palpitating over Walter’s coming. The fifteen
minutes of his stay might hold any splendor.
She could not change her clothes.
Her mother was in the bedroom, sobbing.
All the way down the four flights
of stairs she wanted to flee back to her mother.
It was with a cold impatience that she finally saw
Walter approach the house, ten minutes late.
He was so grotesque in his frantic, puffing hurry.
He was no longer the brilliant Mr. Babson, but a moist
young man who hemmed and sputtered, “Gee! — couldn’t
find clean collar — hustled m’ head
off — just missed Subway express — couldn’t
make it — whew, I’m hot!”
“It doesn’t matter,” she condescended.
He dropped on the step just below
her and mopped his forehead. Neither of them
could say anything. He took off his horn-rimmed
eye-glasses, carefully inserted the point of a pencil
through the loop, swung them in a buzzing circle,
and started to put them on again.
“Oh, keep them off!”
she snapped. “You look so high-brow with
them!”
“Y-yuh; why, s-sure!”
She felt very superior.
He feverishly ran a finger along the
upper rim of his left ear, sprang up, stooped to take
her hand, glared into her eyes till she shrank — and
then a nail-cleaner, a common, ten-cent file, fell
out of his inner pocket and clinked on the stone step.
“Oh, damn!” he groaned.
“I really think it is going to rain,”
she said.
They both laughed.
He plumped down beside her, uncomfortably
wedged between her and the rail. He caught her
hand, intertwined their fingers so savagely that her
knuckles hurt. “Look here,” he commanded,
“you don’t really think it’s going
to rain any such a darn thing! I’ve come
fourteen billion hot miles up here for just fifteen
minutes — yes, and you wanted to see me yourself,
too! And now you want to talk about the history
of recent rains.”
In the bitter-sweet spell of his clasp
she was oblivious of street, children, sky. She
tried to withdraw her hand, but he squeezed her fingers
the more closely and their two hands dropped on her
thin knee, which tingled to the impact.
“But — but what did
you want to see me about?” Her superiority was
burnt away.
He answered her hesitation with a
trembling demand. “I can’t talk to
you here! Can’t we go some place —
Come walk toward the river.”
“Oh, I daren’t really,
Walter. My mother feels so — so fidgety
to-night and I must go back to her.... By and
by.”
“But would you like to go with me?”
“Yes!”
“Then that’s all that matters!”
“Perhaps — perhaps
we could go up on the roof here for just a few minutes.
Then I must send you home.”
“Hooray! Come on.”
He boldly lifted her to her feet,
followed her up the stairs. On the last dark
flight, near the roof, he threw both arms about her
and kissed her. She was amazed that she did not
want to kiss him back, that his abandon did not stir
her. Even while she was shocked and afraid, he
kissed again, and she gave way to his kiss; her cold
mouth grew desirous.
She broke away, with shocked pride — shocked
most of all at herself, that she let him kiss her
thus.
“You quiver so to my kiss!” he whispered,
in awe.
“I don’t!” she denied. “It
just doesn’t mean anything.”
“It does, and you know it does.
I had to kiss you. Oh, sweetheart, sweetheart,
we are both so lonely! Kiss me.”
“No, no!” She held him away from her.
“Yes, I tell you!”
She encircled his neck with her arm,
laid her cheek beside his chin, rejoiced boundlessly
in the man roughness of his chin, of his coat-sleeve,
the man scent of him — scent of tobacco and
soap and hair. She opened her lips to his.
Slowly she drew her arm from about his neck, his arm
from about her waist.
“Walter!” she mourned,
“I did want you. But you must be good to
me — not kiss me like that — not
now, anyway, when I’m lonely for you and can’t
resist you.... Oh, it wasn’t wrong, was
it, when we needed each other so? It wasn’t
wrong, was it?”
“Oh no — no!”
“But not — not again — not
for a long while. I want you to respect me.
Maybe it wasn’t wrong, dear, but it was terribly
dangerous. Come, let’s stand out in the
cool air on the roof for a while and then you must
go home.”
They came out on the flat, graveled
roof, round which all the glory of the city was blazing,
and hand in hand, in a confidence delicately happy
now, stood worshiping the spring.
“Dear,” he said, “I
feel as though I were a robber who had gone crashing
right through the hedge around your soul, and then
after that come out in a garden — the sweetest,
coolest garden.... I will try to be good
to you — and for you.” He kissed
her finger-tips.
“Yes, you did break through.
At first it was just a kiss and the — oh,
it was the kiss, and there wasn’t anything
else. Oh, do let me live in the little garden
still.”
“Trust me, dear.”
“I will trust you. Come. I must go
down now.”
“Can I come to see you?”
“Yes.”
“Goldie, listen,” he said,
as they came down-stairs to her hallway. “Any
time you’d like to marry me — I don’t
advise it, I guess I’d have good intentions,
but be a darn poor hand at putting up shelves — but
any time you’d like to marry me, or any of those
nice conventional things, just lemme know, will
you? Not that it matters much. What matters
is, I want to kiss you good-night.”
“No, what matters is, I’m
not going to let you!... Not to-night....
Good-night, dear.”
She scampered down the hall.
She tiptoed into the living-room, and for an hour
she brooded, felt faint and ashamed at her bold response
to his kiss, yet wanted to feel his sharp-ridged lips
again. Sometimes in a bitter frankness she told
herself that Walter had never even thought of marriage
till their kiss had fired him. She swore to herself
that she would not give all her heart to love; that
she would hold him off and make him value her precious
little store of purity and tenderness. But passion
and worry together were lost in a prayer for him.
She knelt by the window till her own individuality
was merged with that of the city’s million lovers.
Se
Like sickness and war, the office
grind absorbs all personal desires. Love and
ambition and wisdom it turns to its own purposes.
Every day Una and Walter saw each other. Their
hands touched as he gave her papers to file; there
was affection in his voice when he dictated, and once,
outside the office door, he kissed her. Yet their
love was kept suspended. They could not tease
each other and flirt raucously, like the telephone-girl
and the elevator-starter.
Every day he begged her to go to dinner
with him, to let him call at the flat, and after a
week she permitted him to come.
Se
At dinner, when Una told her mother
that a young gentleman at the office — in
fact, Mr. Babson, the editor whose dictation she took — was
going to call that evening, Mrs. Golden looked pleased,
and said: “Isn’t that nice!
Why, you never told mother he was interested in you!”
“Well, of course, we kind of work together — ”
“I do hope he’s a nice,
respectful young man, not one of these city people
that flirt and drink cocktails and heaven knows what
all!”
“Why, uh — I’m
sure you’ll like him. Everybody says he’s
the cleverest fellow in the shop.”
“Office, dear, not shop....
Is he — Does he get a big salary?”
“Why, mums, I’m sure I
haven’t the slightest idea! How should I
know?”
“Well, I just asked....
Will you put on your pink-and-white crepe?”
“Don’t you think the brown silk would
be better?”
“Why, Una, I want you to look
your prettiest! You must make all the impression
you can.”
“Well, perhaps I’d better,” Una
said, demurely.
Despite her provincial training, Mrs.
Golden had a much better instinct for dress than her
sturdy daughter. So long as she was not left at
home alone, her mild selfishness did not make her
want to interfere with Una’s interests.
She ah’d and oh’d over the torn border
of Una’s crepe dress, and mended it with quick,
pussy-like movements of her fingers. She tried
to arrange Una’s hair so that its pale golden
texture would shine in broad, loose undulations, and
she was as excited as Una when they heard Walter’s
bouncing steps in the hall, his nervous tap at the
door, his fumbling for a push-button.
Una dashed wildly to the bedroom for
a last nose-powdering, a last glance at her hair and
nails, and slowly paraded to the door to let him in,
while Mrs. Golden stood primly, with folded hands,
like a cabinet photograph of 1885.
So the irregular Walter came into
a decidedly regular atmosphere and had to act like
a pure-minded young editor.
They conversed — Lord! how
they conversed! Mrs. Golden respectably desired
to know Mr. Babson’s opinions on the weather,
New-Yorkers, her little girl Una’s work, fashionable
city ministers, the practical value of motor-cars,
and the dietetic value of beans — the large,
white beans, not the small, brown ones — she
had grown both varieties in her garden at home (Panama,
Pennsylvania, when Mr. Golden, Captain Golden he was
usually called, was alive) — and had Mr. Babson
ever had a garden, or seen Panama? And was Una
really attending to her duties?
All the while Mrs. Golden’s
canary trilled approval of the conversation.
Una listened, numbed, while Walter
kept doing absurd things with his face — pinched
his lips and tapped his teeth and rubbed his jaw as
though he needed a shave. He took off his eye-glasses
to wipe them and tied his thin legs in a knot, and
all the while said, “Yes, there’s certainly
a great deal to that.”
At a quarter to ten Mrs. Golden rose,
indulged in a little kitten yawn behind her silvery
hand, and said: “Well, I think I must be
off to bed.... I find these May days so languid.
Don’t you, Mr. Babson? Spring fever.
I just can’t seem to get enough sleep....
Now you mustn’t stay up too late, Una
dear.”
The bedroom door had not closed before
Walter had darted from his chair, picked Una up, his
hands pressing tight about her knees and shoulders,
kissed her, and set her down beside him on the couch.
“Wasn’t I good, huh?
Wasn’t I good, huh? Wasn’t I?
Now who says Wally Babson ain’t a good parlor-pup,
huh? Oh, you old darling, you were twice as agonized
as me!”
And that was all he said — in
words. Between them was a secret, a greater feeling
of unfettered intimacy, because together they had been
polite to mother — tragic, pitiful mother,
who had been enjoying herself so much without knowing
that she was in the way. That intimacy needed
no words to express it; hands and cheeks and lips
spoke more truly. They were children of emotion,
young and crude and ignorant, groping for life and
love, all the world new to them, despite their sorrows
and waiting. They were clerklings, not lords
of love and life, but all the more easily did they
yield to longing for happiness. Between them was
the battle of desire and timidity — and not
all the desire was his, not hers all the timidity.
She fancied sometimes that he was as much afraid as
was she of debasing their shy seeking into unveiled
passion. Yet his was the initiative; always she
panted and wondered what he would do next, feared
and wondered and rebuked — and desired.
He abruptly drew her head to his shoulder,
smoothed her hair. She felt his fingers again
communicate to her every nerve a tingling electric
force. She felt his lips quest along her cheek
and discover the soft little spot just behind her
ear. She followed the restless course of his
hands across her shoulders, down her arm, lingeringly
over her hand. His hand seemed to her to have
an existence quite apart from him, to have a mysterious
existence of its own. In silence they rested there.
She kept wondering if his shoulder had not been made
just for her cheek. With little shivers she realized
that this was his shoulder, Walter’s, a man’s,
as the rough cloth prickled her skin. Silent they
were, and for a time secure, but she kept speculating
as to what he would dare to do next — and
she fancied that he was speculating about precisely
the same thing.
He drew a catching breath, and suddenly
her lips were opening to his.
“Oh, you mustn’t — you
promised — ” she moaned, when she was
able to draw back her head.
Again he kissed her, quickly, then
released her and began to talk rapidly of — nothing.
Apropos of offices and theaters and the tides of spring,
he was really telling her that, powerful though his
restless curiosity was, greatly though their poor
little city bodies craved each other, yet he did respect
her. She scarce listened, for at first she was
bemused by two thoughts. She was inquiring sorrowfully
whether it was only her body that stirred him — whether
he found any spark in her honest little mind.
And, for her second thought, she was considering in
an injured way that this was not love as she had read
of it in novels. “I didn’t know just
what it would be — but I didn’t think
it would be like this,” she declared.
Love, as depicted in such American
novels by literary pastors and matrons of perfect
purity as had sifted into the Panama public library,
was an affair of astounding rescues from extreme peril,
of highly proper walks in lanes, of laudable industry
on the part of the hero, and of not more than three
kisses — one on the brow, one on the cheek,
and, in the very last paragraph of the book, one daringly
but reverently deposited upon the lips. These
young heroes and heroines never thought about bodies
at all, except when they had been deceived in a field
of asterisks. So to Una there was the world-old
shock at the earthiness of love — and the
penetrating joy of that earthiness. If real love
was so much more vulgar than she had supposed, yet
also it was so much more overwhelming that she was
glad to be a flesh-and-blood lover, bruised and bewildered
and estranged from herself, instead of a polite murmurer.
Gradually she was drawn back into
a real communion with him when he damned the human
race for serfs fighting in a dungeon, warring for land,
for flags, for titles, and calling themselves kings.
Walter took the same theories of socialism, single-tax,
unionism, which J. J. Todd, of Chatham, had hacked
out in commercial-college days, and he made them bleed
and yawp and be hotly human. For the first time — Walter
was giving her so many of those First Times of life! — Una
realized how strong is the demand of the undermen
for a conscious and scientific justice. She denied
that stenographers could ever form a union, but she
could not answer his acerb, “Why not?”
It was not in the patiently marching
Una to be a creative thinker, yet she did hunger for
self-mastery, and ardently was she following the erratic
gibes at civilization with which young Walter showed
his delight in having an audience, when the brown,
homely Golden family clock struck eleven.
“Heavens!” she cried.
“You must run home at once. Good-night,
dear.”
He rose obediently, nor did their
lips demand each other again.
Her mother awoke to yawn. “He
is a very polite young man, but I don’t think
he is solid enough for you, dearie. If he comes
again, do remind me to show him the kodaks of your
father, like I promised.”
Then Una began to ponder the problem
which is so weighty to girls of the city — where
she could see her lover, since the parks were impolite
and her own home obtrusively dull to him.
Whether Walter was a peril or not,
whether or not his love was angry and red and full
of hurts, yet she knew that it was more to her than
her mother or her conventions or her ambitious little
job. Thus gladly confessing, she fell asleep,
and a new office day began, for always the office
claims one again the moment that the evening’s
freedom is over.
CHAPTER VII
These children of the city, where
there is no place for love-making, for discovering
and testing each other’s hidden beings, ran off
together in the scanted parties of the ambitious poor.
Walter was extravagant financially as he was mentally,
but he had many debts, some conscience, and a smallness
of salary. She was pleased by the smallest diversions,
however, and found luxury in a bowl of chop-suey.
He took her to an Italian restaurant and pointed out
supposititious artists. They had gallery seats
for a Maude Adams play, at which she cried and laughed
whole-heartedly and held his hand all through.
Her first real tea was with him — in Panama
one spoke of “ladies’ afternoon tea,”
not of “tea.” She was awed by his
new walking-stick and the new knowledge of cinnamon
toast which he displayed for her. She admired,
too, the bored way he swung his stick as they sauntered
into and out of the lobbies of the great hotels.
The first flowers from a real florist’s
which she had ever received, except for a bunch of
carnations from Henry Carson at Panama high-school
commencement, came from Walter — long-stemmed
roses in damp paper and a florist’s box, with
Walter’s card inside.
And perhaps the first time that she
had ever really seen spring, felt the intense light
of sky and cloud and fresh greenery as her own, was
on a Sunday just before the fragrant first of June,
when Walter and she slipped away from her mother and
walked in Central Park, shabby but unconscious.
She explored with him, too; felt adventurous
in quite respectable Japanese and Greek and Syrian
restaurants.
But her mother waited for her at home,
and the job, the office, the desk, demanded all her
energy.
Had they seen each other less frequently,
perhaps Walter would have let dreams serve for real
kisses, and have been satisfied. But he saw her
a hundred times a day — and yet their love
progressed so little. The propinquity of the
office tantalized them. And Mrs. Golden kept them
apart.
Se
The woman who had aspired and been
idle while Captain Golden had toiled for her, who
had mourned and been idle while Una had planned for
her, and who had always been a compound of selfishness
and love, was more and more accustomed to taking her
daughter’s youth to feed her comfort and her
canary — a bird of atrophied voice and uncleanly
habit.
If this were the history of the people
who wait at home, instead of the history of the warriors,
rich credit would be given to Mrs. Golden for enduring
the long, lonely days, listening for Una’s step.
A proud, patient woman with nothing to do all day
but pick at a little housework, and read her eyes
out, and wish that she could run in and be neighborly
with the indifferent urbanites who formed about her
a wall of ice. Yet so confused are human purposes
that this good woman who adored her daughter also
sapped her daughter’s vigor. As the office
loomed behind all of Una’s desires, so behind
the office, in turn, was ever the shadowy thought
of the appealing figure there at home; and toward her
mother Una was very compassionate.
Yes, and so was her mother!
Mrs. Golden liked to sit soft and
read stories of young love. Partly by nature
and partly because she had learned that thus she could
best obtain her wishes, she was gentle as a well-filled
cat and delicate as a tulle scarf. She was admiringly
adhesive to Una as she had been to Captain Golden,
and she managed the new master of the house just as
she had managed the former one. She listened
to dictates pleasantly, was perfectly charmed at suggestions
that she do anything, and then gracefully forgot.
Mrs. Golden was a mistress of graceful
forgetting. Almost never did she remember to
do anything she didn’t want to do. She did
not lie about it; she really and quite beautifully
did forget.
Una, hurrying off to the office every
morning, agonized with the effort to be on time, always
had to stop and prepare a written list of the things
her mother was to do. Otherwise, bespelled by
the magazine stories which she kept forgetting and
innocently rereading, Mrs. Golden would forget the
marketing, forget to put the potatoes on to boil,
forget to scrub the bathroom.... And she often
contrived to lose the written list, and searched for
it, with trembling lips but no vast persistence.
Una, bringing home the palsying weariness
of the day’s drudgery, would find a cheery welcome — and
the work not done; no vegetables for dinner, no fresh
boric-acid solution prepared for washing her stinging
eyes.
Nor could Una herself get the work
immediately out of the way, because her mother was
sure to be lonely, to need comforting before Una could
devote herself to anything else or even wash away the
sticky office grime.... Mrs. Golden would have
been shocked into a stroke could she have known that
while Una was greeting her, she was muttering within
herself, “I do wish I could brush my teeth first!”
If Una was distraught, desirous of
disappearing in order to get hold of herself, Mrs.
Golden would sigh, “Dear, have I done something
to make you angry?” In any case, whether Una
was silent or vexed with her, the mother would manage
to be hurt but brave; sweetly distressed, but never
quite tearful. And Una would have to kiss her,
pat her hair, before she could escape and begin to
get dinner (with her mother helping, always ready
to do anything that Una’s doggedly tired mind
might suggest, but never suggesting novelties herself).
After dinner, Mrs. Golden was always
ready to do whatever Una wished — to play
cribbage, or read aloud, or go for a walk — not
a long walk; she was so delicate, you know,
but a nice little walk with her dear, dear
daughter.... For such amusements she was ready
to give up all her own favorite evening diversions — namely,
playing solitaire, and reading and taking nice little
walks.... But she did not like to have Una go
out and leave her, nor have naughty, naughty men like
Walter take Una to the theater, as though they wanted
to steal the dear daughter away. And she wore
Una’s few good frocks, and forgot to freshen
them in time for Una to wear them. Otherwise,
Mrs. Golden had the unselfishness of a saint on a
marble pillar.
Una, it is true, sometimes voiced
her irritation over her mother’s forgetfulness
and her subsequent pathos, but for that bitterness
she always blamed herself, with horror remembered
each cutting word she had said to the Little Mother
Saint (as, in still hours when they sat clasped like
lovers, she tremblingly called her).
Se
Mrs. Golden’s demand of Una
for herself had never been obvious till it clashed
with Walter’s demand.
Una and Walter talked it over, but
they seemed mutely to agree, after the evening of
Mrs. Golden and conversation, that it was merely balking
for him to call at the flat. Nor did Una and Mrs.
Golden discuss why Mr. Babson did not come again,
or whether Una was seeing him. Una was accustomed
to say only that she would be “away this evening,”
but over the teapot she quoted Walter’s opinions
on Omar, agnosticism, motor magazines, pipe-smoking,
Staten Island, and the Himalayas, and it was evident
that she was often with him.
Mrs. Golden’s method of opposition
was very simple. Whenever Una announced that
she was going out, her mother’s bright, birdlike
eyes filmed over; she sighed and hesitated, “Shall
I be alone all evening — after all day, too?”
Una felt like a brute. She tried to get her mother
to go to the Sessionses’ flat more often, to
make new friends, but Mrs. Golden had lost all her
adaptability. She clung to Una and to her old
furniture as the only recognizable parts of her world.
Often Una felt forced to refuse Walter’s invitations;
always she refused to walk with him on the long, splendid
Saturday afternoons of freedom. Nor would she
let him come and sit on the roof with her, lest her
mother see them in the hall and be hurt.
So it came to pass that only in public
did she meet Walter. He showed his resentment
by inviting her out less and less, by telling her less
and less frankly his ambitions and his daily dabs at
becoming a great man. Apparently he was rather
interested in a flour-faced actress at his boarding-house.
Never, now, did he speak of marriage.
The one time when he had spoken of it, Una had been
so sure of their happiness that she had thought no
more of that formality than had his reckless self.
But now she yearned to have him “propose,”
in the most stupid, conventional, pink-romance fashion.
“Why can’t we be married?” she fancied
herself saying to him, but she never dared say it
aloud.
Often he was abstracted when he was
with her, in the office or out. Always he was
kindly, but the kindliness seemed artificial.
She could not read his thoughts, now that she had
no hand-clasp to guide her.
On a hot, quivering afternoon of early
July, Walter came to her desk at closing-hour and
said, abruptly: “Look. You’ve
simply got to come out with me this evening.
We’ll dine at a little place at the foot of the
Palisades. I can’t stand seeing you so little.
I won’t ask you again! You aren’t
fair.”
“Oh, I don’t mean to be unfair — ”
“Will you come? Will you?”
His voice glared. Regardless
of the office folk about them, he put his hand over
hers. She was sure that Miss Moynihan was bulkily
watching them. She dared not take time to think.
“Yes,” she said, “I will go.”
Se
It was a beer-garden frequented by
yachtless German yachtsmen in shirt-sleeves, boating-caps,
and mustaches like muffs, but to Una it was Europe
and the banks of the Rhine, that restaurant below the
Palisades where she dined with Walter.
A placid hour it was, as dusk grew
deeper and more fragrant, and they leaned over the
terrace rail to meditate on the lights springing out
like laughing jests incarnate — reflected
lights of steamers paddling with singing excursionists
up the Hudson to the storied hills of Rip Van Winkle;
imperial sweeps of fire that outlined the mighty city
across the river.
Walter was at peace. He spared
her his swart intensity; he shyly quoted Tennyson,
and bounced with cynicisms about “Sherbert Souse”
and “the Gas-bag.” He brought
happiness to her, instead of the agitation of his
kisses.
She was not an office machine now,
but one with the village lovers of poetry, as her
job-exhaustion found relief in the magic of the hour,
in the ancient music of the river, in breezes which
brought old tales down from the Catskills.
She would have been content to sit
there for hours, listening to the twilight, absently
pleating the coarse table-cloth, trying to sip the
saline claret which he insisted on their drinking.
She wanted nothing more.... And she had so manoeuvered
their chairs that the left side of her face, the better
side, was toward him!
But Walter grew restless. He
stared at the German yachtsmen, at their children
who ate lumps of sugar dipped in claret, and their
wives who drank beer. He commented needlessly
on a cat which prowled along the terrace rail.
He touched Una’s foot with his, and suddenly
condemned himself for not having been able to bring
her to a better restaurant. He volubly pointed
out that their roast chicken had been petrified — “vile
restaurant, very vile food.”
“Why, I love it here!”
she protested. “I’m perfectly happy
to be just like this.”
As she turned to him with a smile
that told all her tenderness, she noted how his eyes
kept stealing from the riverside to her, and back
again, how his hands trembled as he clapped two thick
glass salt-shakers together. A current of uneasiness
darted between them.
He sprang up. “Oh, I can’t
sit still!” he said. “Come on.
Let’s walk down along the river.”
“Oh, can’t we just sit
here and be quiet?” she pleaded, but he rubbed
his chin and shook his head and sputtered: “Oh,
rats, you can’t see the river, now that they’ve
turned on the electric lights here. Come on.
Besides, it’ll be cooler right by the river.”
She felt a menace; the darkness beyond
them was no longer dreaming, but terror-filled.
She wanted to refuse, but he was so fretfully demanding
that she could only obey him.
Up on the crest of the Palisades is
an “amusement park,” and suburbs and crowded
paths; and across the river is New York, in a solid
mass of apartment-houses; but between Palisades and
river, at the foot of the cliffs, is an unfrequented
path which still keeps some of the wildness it had
when it was a war-path of the Indians. It climbs
ridges, twists among rocks, dips into damp hollows,
widens out into tiny bowling-greens for Hendrik Hudson’s
fairy men. By night it is ghostly, and beside
it the river whispers strange tragedies.
Along this path the city children
crept, unspeaking, save when his two hands, clasping
her waist to guide her down a rocky descent, were
clamorous.
Where a bare sand jetty ran from the
path out into the river’s broad current, Walter
stopped and whispered, “I wish we could go swimming.”
“I wish we could — it’s
quite warm,” she said, prosaically.
But river and dark woods and breeze
overhead seemed to whisper to her — whisper,
whisper, all the shrouded night aquiver with low, eager
whispers. She shivered to find herself imagining
the unimaginable — that she might throw off
her stodgy office clothes, her dull cloth skirt and
neat blouse, and go swimming beside him, revel in giving
herself up to the utter frankness of cool water laving
her bare flesh.
She closed her mind. She did
not condemn herself for wanting to bathe as Mother
Eve had bathed, naked and unafraid. She did not
condemn herself — but neither did she excuse.
She was simply afraid. She dared not try to make
new standards; she took refuge in the old standards
of the good little Una. Though all about her
called the enticing voices of night and the river,
yet she listened for the tried counsel voices of the
plain Panama streets and the busy office.
While she struggled, Walter stood
with his arm fitted about her shoulder, letting the
pregnant silence speak, till again he insisted:
“Why couldn’t we go swimming?” Then,
with all the cruelly urgent lovers of the days of
hungry poetry: “We’re going to let
youth go by and never dare to be mad. Time will
get us — we’ll be old — it
will be too late to enjoy being mad.” His
lyric cry dropped to a small-boy excuse: “Besides,
it wouldn’t hurt.... Come on. Think
of plunging in.”
“No, no, no, no!” she
cried, and ran from him up the jetty, back to the
path.... She was not afraid of him, because she
was so much more afraid of herself.
He followed sullenly as the path led
them farther and farther. She stopped on a rise,
and found herself able to say, calmly, “Don’t
you think we’d better go back now?”
“Maybe we ought to. But sit down here.”
He hunched up his knees, rested his
elbows on them, and said, abstractedly, apparently
talking to himself as much as to her:
“I’m sorry I’ve
been so grouchy coming down the path. But I don’t
apologize for wanting us to go swimming. Civilization,
the world’s office-manager, tells us to work
like fiends all day and be lonely and respectable
all evening, and not even marry till we’re thirty,
because we can’t afford to! That’s
all right for them as likes to become nice varnished
desks, but not for me! I’m going to hunger
and thirst and satisfy my appetites — even
if it makes me selfish as the devil. I’d
rather be that than be a bran-stuffed automaton that’s
never human enough to hunger. But of course you’re
naturally a Puritan and always will be one, no matter
what you do. You’re a good sort —
I’d trust you to the limit — you’re
sincere and you want to grow. But me — my
Wanderjahr isn’t over yet. Maybe some
time we’ll again — I admire you, but — if
I weren’t a little mad I’d go literally
mad.... Mad — mad!”
He suddenly undid the first button
of her blouse and kissed her neck harshly, while she
watched him, in a maze. He abruptly fastened the
button again, sprang up, stared out at the wraith-filled
darkness over the river, while his voice droned on,
as though it were a third person speaking:
“I suppose there’s a million
cases a year in New York of crazy young chaps making
violent love to decent girls and withdrawing because
they have some hidden decency themselves. I’m
ashamed that I’m one of them — me,
I’m as bad as a nice little Y. M. C. A. boy — I
bow to conventions, too. Lordy! the fact that
I’m so old-fashioned as even to talk about ‘conventions’
in this age of Shaw and d’Annunzio shows that
I’m still a small-town, district-school radical!
I’m really as mid-Victorian as you are, in knowledge.
Only I’m modern by instinct, and the combination
will always keep me half-baked, I suppose. I don’t
know what I want from life, and if I did I wouldn’t
know how to get it. I’m a Middle Western
farmer, and yet I regard myself about half the time
as an Oxford man with a training in Paris. You’re
lucky, girl. You have a definite ambition — either
to be married and have babies or to boss an office.
Whatever I did, I’d spoil you — at least
I would till I found myself — found out what
I wanted.... Lord! how I hope I do find myself
some day!”
“Poor boy!” she suddenly
interrupted; “it’s all right. Come,
we’ll go home and try to be good.”
“Wonderful! There speaks
the American woman, perfectly. You think I’m
just chattering. You can’t understand that
I was never so desperately in earnest in my life.
Well, to come down to cases. Specification A — I
couldn’t marry you, because we haven’t
either of us got any money — aside from my
not having found myself yet. Ditto B — We
can’t play, just because you are a Puritan
and I’m a typical intellectual climber.
Same C — I’ve actually been offered
a decent job in the advertising department of a motor-car
company in Omaha, and now I think I’ll take it.”
And that was all that he really had
to say, just that last sentence, though for more than
an hour they discussed themselves and their uncharted
world, Walter trying to be honest, yet to leave with
her a better impression of himself; Una trying to
keep him with her. It was hard for her to understand
that Walter really meant all he said.
But, like him, she was frank.
There are times in any perplexed love
when the lovers revel in bringing out just those problems
and demands and complaints which they have most carefully
concealed. At such a time of mutual confession,
if the lovers are honest and tender, there is none
of the abrasive hostility of a vulgar quarrel.
But the kindliness of the review need not imply that
it is profitable; often it ends, as it began, with
the wail, “What can we do?” But so much
alike are all the tribe of lovers, that the debaters
never fail to stop now and then to congratulate themselves
on being so frank!
Thus Una and Walter, after a careful
survey of the facts that he was too restless, that
she was too Panamanian and too much mothered, after
much argument as to what he had meant when he had
said this, and what she had thought he meant when
he had said that, and whether he could ever have been
so inconsiderate as to have said the other, and frequent
admiration of themselves for their open-mindedness,
the questing lovers were of the same purpose as at
the beginning of their inquiry. He still felt
the urge to take up his pilgrimage again, to let the
“decent job” and Omaha carry him another
stage in his search for the shrouded gods of his nebulous
faith. And she still begged for a chance to love,
to be needed; still declared that he was merely running
away from himself.
They had quite talked themselves out
before he sighed: “I don’t dare to
look and see what time it is. Come, we’ll
have to go.”
They swung arms together shyly as
they stumbled back over the path. She couldn’t
believe that he really would go off to the West, of
which she was so ignorant. But she felt as though
she were staggering into a darkness blinder and ever
more blind.
When she got home she found her mother
awake, very angry over Una’s staying out till
after midnight, and very wordy about the fact that
“that nice, clean young man,” Mr. J. J.
Todd, of Chatham and of the commercial college, had
come to call that evening. Una made little answer
to her. Through her still and sacred agony she
could scarce hear her mother’s petulant whining.
Se
Next morning at the office, Walter
abruptly asked her to come out into the hall, told
her that he was leaving without notice that afternoon.
He could never bear to delay, once he had started
out on the “Long Trail,” he said, not
looking at her. He hastily kissed her, and darted
back into the office. She did not see him again
till, at five-thirty, he gave noisy farewell to all
the adoring stenographers and office-boys, and ironical
congratulations to his disapproving chiefs. He
stopped at her desk, hesitated noticeably, then said,
“Good-by, Goldie,” and passed on.
She stared, hypnotized, as, for the last time, Walter
went bouncing out of the office.
Se
A week later J. J. Todd called on
her again. He was touching in his description
of his faithful labor for the Charity Organization
Society. But she felt dead; she could not get
herself to show approval. It was his last call.
Se
Walter wrote to her on the train — a
jumbled rhapsody on missing her honest companionship.
Then a lively description of his new chief at Omaha.
A lonely letter on a barren evening, saying that there
was nothing to say. A note about a new project
of going to Alaska. She did not hear from him
again.
Se
For weeks she missed him so tragically
that she found herself muttering over and over, “Now
I sha’n’t ever have a baby that would be
a little image of him.”
When she thought of the shy games
and silly love-words she had lavished, she was ashamed,
and wondered if they had made her seem a fool to him.
But presently in the week’s
unchanging routine she found an untroubled peace;
and in mastering her work she had more comfort than
ever in his clamorous summons.
At home she tried not merely to keep
her mother from being lonely, but actually to make
her happy, to coax her to break into the formidable
city. She arranged summer-evening picnics with
the Sessionses.
She persuaded them to hold one of
these picnics at the foot of the Palisades. During
it she disappeared for nearly half an hour. She
sat alone by the river. Suddenly, with a feverish
wrench, she bared her breast, then shook her head
angrily, rearranged her blouse, went back to the group,
and was unusually gay, though all the while she kept
her left hand on her breast, as though it pained her.
She had been with the Gazette
for only a little over six months, and she was granted
only a week’s vacation. This she spent with
her mother at Panama. In parties with old neighbors
she found sweetness, and on a motor-trip with Henry
Carson and his fiancee, a young widow, she let the
fleeting sun-flecked land absorb her soul.
At the office Una was transferred
to S. Herbert Ross’s department, upon Walter’s
leaving. She sometimes took S. Herbert’s
majestic, flowing dictation. She tried not merely
to obey his instructions, but also to discover his
unvoiced wishes. Her wage was raised from eight
dollars a week to ten. She again determined to
be a real business woman. She read a small manual
on advertising.
But no one in the Gazette office
believed that a woman could bear responsibilities,
not even S. Herbert Ross, with his aphorisms for stenographers,
his prose poems about the ecstatic joy of running a
typewriter nine hours a day, which appeared in large,
juicy-looking type in business magazines.
She became bored, mechanical, somewhat
hopeless. She planned to find a better job and
resign. In which frame of mind she was rather
contemptuous of the Gazette office; and it was
an unforgettable shock suddenly to be discharged.
Ross called her in, on a winter afternoon,
told her that he had orders from the owner to “reduce
the force,” because of a “change of policy,”
and that, though he was sorry, he would have to “let
her go because she was one of the most recent additions.”
He assured her royally that he had been pleased by
her work; that he would be glad to give her “the
best kind of a recommend — and if the situation
loosens up again, I’d be tickled to death to
have you drop in and see me. Just between us,
I think the owner will regret this tight-wad policy.”
But Mr. S. Herbert Ross continued
to go out to lunch with the owner, and Una went through
all the agony of not being wanted even in the prison
she hated. No matter what the reason, being discharged
is the final insult in an office, and it made her
timid as she began wildly to seek a new job.
CHAPTER VIII
In novels and plays architects usually
are delicate young men who wear silky Vandyke beards,
play the piano, and do a good deal with pictures and
rugs. They leap with desire to erect charming
cottages for the poor, and to win prize contests for
the Jackson County Courthouse. They always have
good taste; they are perfectly mad about simplicity
and gracefulness. But from the number of flat-faced
houses and three-toned wooden churches still being
erected, it may be deduced that somewhere there are
architects who are not enervated by too much good taste.
Mr. Troy Wilkins, architect, with
an office in the Septimus Building, was a commuter.
He wore a derby and a clipped mustache, and took interest
in cameras, player-pianos, phonographs, small motor-cars,
speedometers, tires, patent nicotineless pipes, jolly
tobacco for jimmy-pipes, tennis-rackets, correspondence
courses, safety-razors, optimism, Theodore Roosevelt,
pocket flashlights, rubber heels, and all other well-advertised
wares. He was a conservative Republican and a
Congregationalist, and on his desk he kept three silver-framed
photographs — one of his wife and two children,
one of his dog Rover, and one of his architectural
masterpiece, the mansion of Peter B. Reardon, the
copper king of Montana.
Mr. Troy Wilkins lamented the passing
of the solid and expensive stone residences of the
nineties, but he kept “up to date,” and
he had added ideals about half-timbered villas, doorway
settles, garages, and sleeping-porches to his repertoire.
He didn’t, however, as he often said, “believe
in bungalows any more than he believed in these labor
unions.”
Se
Una Golden had been the chief of Mr.
Troy Wilkins’s two stenographers for seven months
now — midsummer of 1907, when she was twenty-six.
She had climbed to thirteen dollars a week. The
few hundred dollars which she had received from Captain
Golden’s insurance were gone, and her mother
and she had to make a science of saving — economize
on milk, on bread, on laundry, on tooth-paste.
But that didn’t really matter, because Una never
went out except for walks and moving-picture shows,
with her mother. She had no need, no want of clothes
to impress suitors.... She had four worn letters
from Walter Babson which she re-read every week or
two; she had her mother and, always, her job.
Se
Una, an errand-boy, and a young East-Side
Jewish stenographer named Bessie Kraker made up the
office force of Troy Wilkins. The office was
on the eighth floor of the Septimus Building,
which is a lean, jerry-built, flashingly pretentious
cement structure with cracking walls and dirty, tiled
hallways.
The smeary, red-gold paint which hides
the imperfect ironwork of its elevators does not hide
the fact that they groan like lost souls, and tremble
and jerk and threaten to fall. The Septimus
Building is typical of at least one half of a large
city. It was “run up” by a speculative
builder for a “quick turn-over.” It
is semi-fire-proof, but more semi than fire-proof.
It stands on Nassau Street, between two portly stone
buildings that try to squeeze this lanky impostor to
death, but there is more cheerful whistling in its
hallways than in the halls of its disapproving neighbors.
Near it is City Hall Park and Newspaper Row, Wall
Street and the lordly Stock Exchange, but, aside from
a few dull and honest tenants like Mr. Troy Wilkins,
the Septimus Building is filled with offices
of fly-by-night companies — shifty promoters,
mining-concerns, beauty-parlors for petty brokers,
sample-shoe shops, discreet lawyers, and advertising
dentists. Seven desks in one large room make
up the entire headquarters of eleven international
corporations, which possess, as capital, eleven hundred
and thirty dollars, much embossed stationery — and
the seven desks. These modest capitalists do
not lease their quarters by the year. They are
doing very well if they pay rent for each of four
successive months. But also they do not complain
about repairs; they are not fussy about demanding a
certificate of moral perfection from the janitor.
They speak cheerily to elevator-boys and slink off
into saloons. Not all of them keep Yom Kippur;
they all talk of being “broad-minded.”
Mr. Wilkins’s office was small
and agitated. It consisted of two rooms and an
insignificant entry-hall, in which last was a water-cooler,
a postal scale, a pile of newspapers, and a morose
office-boy who drew copies of Gibson girls all day
long on stray pieces of wrapping-paper, and confided
to Una, at least once a week, that he wanted to take
a correspondence course in window-dressing. In
one of the two rooms Mr. Wilkins cautiously made drawings
at a long table, or looked surprised over correspondence
at a small old-fashioned desk, or puffed and scratched
as he planned form-letters to save his steadily waning
business.
In the other room there were the correspondence-files,
and the desks of Una, the chief stenographer, and
of slangy East-Side Bessie Kraker, who conscientiously
copied form-letters, including all errors in them,
and couldn’t, as Wilkins complainingly pointed
out, be trusted with dictation which included any
words more difficult than “sincerely.”
From their window the two girls could
see the windows of an office across the street.
About once a month an interesting curly-haired youth
leaned out of one of the windows opposite. Otherwise
there was no view.
Se
Twelve o’clock, the hour at
which most of the offices closed on Saturday in summer,
was excitedly approaching. The office-women throughout
the Septimus Building, who had been showing off
their holiday frocks all morning, were hastily finishing
letters, or rushing to the women’s wash-rooms
to discuss with one another the hang of new skirts.
All morning Bessie Kraker had kept up a monologue,
beginning, “Say, lis-ten, Miss Golden,
say, gee! I was goin’ down to South Beach
with my gentleman friend this afternoon, and, say,
what d’you think the piker had to go and get
stuck for? He’s got to work all afternoon.
I don’t care — I don’t care!
I’m going to Coney Island with Sadie, and I bet
you we pick up some fellows and do the light fantastic
till one G. M. Oh, you sad sea waves! I bet Sadie
and me make ’em sad!”
“But we’ll be straight,”
said Bessie, half an hour later, apropos of nothing.
“But gee! it’s fierce to not have any good
times without you take a risk. But gee! my dad
would kill me if I went wrong. He reads the Talmud
all the time, and hates Goys. But gee! I
can’t stand it all the time being a mollycoddle.
I wisht I was a boy! I’d be a’ aviator.”
Bessie had a proud new blouse with
a deep V, the edges of which gaped a bit and suggested
that by ingenuity one could see more than was evident
at first. Troy Wilkins, while pretending to be
absent-mindedly fussing about a correspondence-file
that morning, had forgotten that he was much married
and had peered at the V. Una knew it, and the sordidness
of that curiosity so embarrassed her that she stopped
typing to clutch at the throat of her own high-necked
blouse, her heart throbbing. She wanted to run
away. She had a vague desire to “help”
Bessie, who purred at poor, good Mr. Wilkins and winked
at Una and chewed gum enjoyably, who was brave and
hardy and perfectly able to care for herself — an
organism modified by the Ghetto to the life which
still bewildered Una.
Mr. Wilkins went home at 11.17, after
giving them enough work to last till noon. The
office-boy chattily disappeared two minutes later,
while Bessie went two minutes after that. Her
delay was due to the adjustment of her huge straw
hat, piled with pink roses and tufts of blue malines.
Una stayed till twelve. Her ambition
had solidified into an unreasoning conscientiousness.
With Bessie gone, the office was so
quiet that she hesitated to typewrite lest They sneak
up on her — They who dwell in silent offices
as They dwell beneath a small boy’s bed at night.
The hush was intimidating; her slightest movement
echoed; she stopped the sharply tapping machine after
every few words to listen.
At twelve she put on her hat with
two jabs of the hat-pins, and hastened to the elevator,
exulting in freedom. The elevator was crowded
with girls in new white frocks, voluble about their
afternoon’s plans. One of them carried
a wicker suit-case. She was, she announced, starting
on her two weeks’ vacation; there would be some
boys, and she was going to have “a peach of
a time.”
Una and her mother had again spent
a week of June in Panama, and she now recalled the
bright, free mornings and lingering, wonderful twilights.
She had no place to go this holiday
afternoon, and she longed to join a noisy, excited
party. Of Walter Babson she did not think.
She stubbornly determined to snatch this time of freedom.
Why, of course, she asserted, she could play by herself
quite happily! With a spurious gaiety she patted
her small black hand-bag. She skipped across to
the Sixth Avenue Elevated and went up to the department-store
district. She made elaborate plans for the great
adventure of shopping. Bessie Kraker had insisted,
with the nonchalant shrillness of eighteen, that Una
“had ought to wear more color”; and Una
had found, in the fashion section of a woman’s
magazine, the suggestion for exactly the thing — “a
modest, attractive frock of brown, with smart touches
of orange” — and economical. She
had the dress planned — ribbon-belt half brown
and half orange, a collar edged with orange, cuffs
slashed with it.
There were a score of mild matter-of-fact
Uñas on the same Elevated train with her, in
their black hats and black jackets and black skirts
and white waists, with one hint of coquetry in a white-lace
jabot or a white-lace veil; faces slightly sallow
or channeled with care, but eyes that longed to flare
with love; women whom life didn’t want except
to type its letters about invoices of rubber heels;
women who would have given their salvation for the
chance to sacrifice themselves for love.... And
there was one man on that Elevated train, a well-bathed
man with cynical eyes, who read a little book with
a florid gold cover, all about Clytemnestra, because
he was certain that modern cities have no fine romance,
no high tragedy; that you must go back to the Greeks
for real feeling. He often aphorized, “Frightfully
hackneyed to say, ‘woman’s place is in
the home,’ but really, you know, these women
going to offices, vulgarizing all their fine womanliness,
and this shrieking sisterhood going in for suffrage
and Lord knows what. Give me the réticences
of the harem rather than one of these office-women
with gum-chewing vacuities. None of them clever
enough to be tragic!” He was ever so whimsical
about the way in which the suffrage movement had cheated
him of the chance to find a “grande amoureuse.”
He sat opposite Una in the train and solemnly read
his golden book. He did not see Una watch with
shy desire every movement of a baby that was talking
to its mother in some unknown dialect of baby-land.
He was feeling deep sensations about Clytemnestra’s
misfortunes — though he controlled his features
in the most gentlemanly manner, and rose composedly
at his station, letting a well-bred glance of pity
fall upon the gum-chewers.
Una found a marvelously clean, new
restaurant on Sixth Avenue, with lace curtains at
the window and, between the curtains, a red geranium
in a pot covered with red-crepe paper tied with green
ribbon. A new place! She was tired of the
office, the Elevated, the flat on 148th Street, the
restaurants where she tediously had her week-day lunches.
She entered the new restaurant briskly, swinging her
black bag. The place had Personality — the
white enameled tables were set diagonally and clothed
with strips of Japanese toweling. Una smiled at
a lively photograph of two bunnies in a basket.
With a sensation of freedom and novelty she ordered
coffee, chicken patty, and cocoanut layer-cake.
But the patty and the cake were very
much like the hundreds of other patties and cakes
which she had consumed during the past two years, and
the people about her were of the horde of lonely workers
who make up half of New York. The holiday enchantment
dissolved. She might as well be going back to
the office grind after lunch! She brooded, while
outside, in that seething summer street, the pageant
of life passed by and no voice summoned her.
Men and girls and motors, people who laughed and waged
commerce for the reward of love — they passed
her by, life passed her by, a spectator untouched
by joy or noble tragedy, a woman desperately hungry
for life.
She began — but not bitterly,
she was a good little thing, you know — to
make the old familiar summary. She had no lover,
no friend, no future. Walter — he might
be dead, or married. Her mother and the office,
between them, left her no time to seek lover or friend
or success. She was a prisoner of affection and
conscience.
She rose and paid her check.
She did not glance at the picture of the bunnies in
a basket. She passed out heavily, a woman of sterile
sorrow.
Se
Una recovered her holiday by going
shopping. An aisle-man in the dress-goods department,
a magnificent creature in a braided morning-coat,
directed her to the counter she asked for, spoke eloquently
of woolen voiles, picked up her bag, and remarked,
“Yes, we do manage to keep it cool here, even
on the hottest days.” A shop-girl laughed
with her. She stole into one of the elevators,
and, though she really should have gone home to her
mother, she went into the music department, where,
among lattices wreathed with newly dusted roses, she
listened to waltzes and two-steps played by a red-haired
girl who was chewing gum and talking to a man while
she played. The music roused Una to plan a wild
dissipation. She would pretend that she had a
sweetheart, that with him she was a-roving.
Una was not highly successful in her
make-believe. She could not picture the imaginary
man who walked beside her. She refused to permit
him to resemble Walter Babson, and he refused to resemble
anybody else. But she was throbbingly sure he
was there as she entered a drug-store and bought a
“Berline bonbon,” a confection
guaranteed to increase the chronic nervous indigestion
from which stenographers suffer. Her shadow lover
tried to hold her hand. She snatched it away and
blushed. She fancied that a matron at the next
tiny table was watching her silly play, reflected
in the enormous mirror behind the marble soda-counter.
The lover vanished. As she left the drug-store
Una was pretending that she was still pretending,
but found it difficult to feel so very exhilarated.
She permitted herself to go to a motion-picture
show. She looked over all the posters in front
of the theater, and a train-wreck, a seaside love-scene,
a detective drama, all invited her.
A man in the seat in front of her
in the theater nestled toward his sweetheart and harshly
muttered, “Oh you old honey!” In the red
light from the globe marking an exit she saw his huge
red hand, with its thicket of little golden hairs,
creep toward the hand of the girl.
Una longed for a love-scene on the motion-picture
screen.
The old, slow familiar pain of congestion
in the back of her neck came back. But she forgot
the pain when the love-scene did appear, in a picture
of a lake shore with a hotel porch, the flat sheen
of photographed water, rushing boats, and a young
hero with wavy black hair, who dived for the lady
and bore her out when she fell out of a reasonably
safe boat. The actor’s wet, white flannels
clung tight about his massive legs; he threw back
his head with masculine arrogance, then kissed the
lady. Una was dizzy with that kiss. She was
shrinking before Walter’s lips again. She
could feel her respectable, typewriter-hardened fingers
stroke the actor’s swarthy, virile jaw.
She gasped with the vividness of the feeling.
She was shocked at herself; told herself she was not
being “nice”; looked guiltily about; but
passionately she called for the presence of her vague,
imaginary lover.
“Oh, my dear, my dear, my dear!”
she whispered, with a terrible cloistered sweetness — whispered
to love itself.
Deliberately ignoring the mother who
waited at home, she determined to spend a riotous
evening going to a real theater, a real play.
That is, if she could get a fifty-cent seat.
She could not.
“It’s been exciting, running
away, even if I can’t go to the theater,”
Una comforted herself. “I’ll go down
to Lady Sessions’s this evening. I’ll
pack mother off to bed. I’ll take the Sessionses
up some ice-cream, and we’ll have a jolly time....
Mother won’t care if I go. Or maybe she’ll
come with me” — knowing all the while
that her mother would not come, and decidedly would
care if Una deserted her.
However negligible her mother seemed
from down-town, she loomed gigantic as Una approached
their flat and assured herself that she was glad to
be returning to the dear one.
The flat was on the fifth floor.
It was a dizzying climb — particularly on
this hot afternoon.
Se
As Una began to trudge up the flat-sounding
slate treads she discovered that her head was aching
as though some one were pinching the top of her eyeballs.
Each time she moved her head the pain came in a perceptible
wave. The hallway reeked with that smell of onions
and fried fish which had arrived with the first tenants.
Children were dragging noisy objects about the halls.
As the throb grew sharper during the centuries it took
her to climb the first three flights of stairs, Una
realized how hot she was, how the clammy coolness
of the hall was penetrated by stabs of street heat
which entered through the sun-haloed windows at the
stair landings.
Una knocked at the door of her flat
with that light, cheery tapping of her nails, like
a fairy tattoo, which usually brought her mother running
to let her in. She was conscious, almost with
a physical sensation, of her mother; wanted to hold
her close and, in the ecstasy of that caress, squeeze
the office weariness from her soul. The Little
Mother Saint — she was coming now — she
was hurrying —
But the little mother was not hurrying.
There was no response to Una’s knock. As
Una stooped in the dimness of the hallway to search
in her bag for her latch-key, the pain pulsed through
the top of her head again. She opened the door,
and her longing for the embrace of her mother disappeared
in healthy anger.
The living-room was in disorder.
Her mother had not touched it all day — had
gone off and left it.
“This is a little too much!” Una said,
grimly.
The only signs of life were Mrs. Golden’s
pack of cards for solitaire, her worn, brown Morris-chair,
and accretions of the cheap magazines with pretty-girl
covers which Mrs. Golden ransacked for love-stories.
Mrs. Golden had been reading all the evening before,
and pages of newspapers were crumpled in her chair,
not one of them picked up. The couch, where Una
had slept because it had been too hot for the two of
them in a double bed, was still an eruption of bedclothes — the
pillow wadded up, the sheets dragging out across the
unswept floor.... The room represented discomfort,
highly respectable poverty — and cleaning,
which Una had to do before she could rest.
She sat down on the couch and groaned:
“To have to come home to this! I simply
can’t trust mother. She hasn’t done
one — single — thing, not one single
thing. And if it were only the first time !
But it’s every day, pretty nearly. She’s
been asleep all day, and then gone for a walk.
Oh yes, of course! She’ll come back and
say she’d forgotten this was Saturday and I’d
be home early! Oh, of course!”
From the bedroom came a cough, then
another. Una tried to keep her soft little heart
in its temporary state of hardness long enough to have
some effect on household discipline. “Huh!”
she grunted. “Got a cold again. If
she’d only stay outdoors a little — ”
She stalked to the door of the bedroom.
The blind was down, the window closed, the room stifling
and filled with a yellow, unwholesome glimmer.
From the bed her mother’s voice, changed from
its usual ring to a croak that was crepuscular as
the creepy room, wheezed: “That — you — deary?
I got — summer — cold — so
sorry — leave work undone — ”
“If you would only keep your
windows open, my dear mother — ”
Una marched to the window, snapped
up the blind, banged up the sash, and left the room.
“I really can’t see why!”
was all she added. She did not look at her mother.
She slapped the living-room into order
as though the disordered bedclothes and newspapers
were bad children. She put the potatoes on to
boil. She loosened her tight collar and sat down
to read the “comic strips,” the “Beauty
Hints,” and the daily instalment of the husband-and-wife
serial in her evening paper. Una had nibbled at
Shakespeare, Tennyson, Longfellow, and Vanity Fair
in her high-school days, but none of these had satisfied
her so deeply as did the serial’s hint of sex
and husband. She was absorbed by it. Yet
all the while she was irritably conscious of her mother’s
cough — hacking, sore-sounding, throat-catching.
Una was certain that this was merely one of the frequent
imaginary ailments of her mother, who was capable of
believing that she had cancer every time she was bitten
by a mosquito. But this incessant crackling made
Una jumpily anxious.
She reached these words in the serial:
“I cannot forget, Amy, that whatever I am, my
good old mother made me, with her untiring care and
the gentle words she spoke to me when worried and harassed
with doubt.”
Una threw down the paper, rushed into
the bedroom, crouched beside her mother, crying, “Oh,
my mother sweetheart! You’re just everything
to me,” and kissed her forehead.
The forehead was damp and cold, like
a cellar wall. Una sat bolt up in horror.
Her mother’s face had a dusky flush, her lips
were livid as clotted blood. Her arms were stiff,
hard to the touch. Her breathing, rapid and agitated,
like a frightened panting, was interrupted just then
by a cough like the rattling of stiff, heavy paper,
which left on her purple lips a little colorless liquid.
“Mother! Mother! My
little mother — you’re sick, you’re
really sick, and I didn’t know and I
spoke so harshly. Oh, what is it, what
is it, mother dear?”
“Bad — cold,”
Mrs. Golden whispered. “I started coughing
last night — I closed the door — you
didn’t hear me; you were in the other room — ”
Another cough wheezed dismally, shook her, gurgled
in her yellow deep-lined neck. “C-could
I have — window closed now?”
“No. I’m going to
be your nurse. Just an awfully cranky old nurse,
and so scientific. And you must have fresh air.”
Her voice broke. “Oh, and me sleeping away
from you! I’ll never do it again. I
don’t know what I would do if anything
happened to you.... Do you feel any headache,
dear?”
“No — not — not so much as —
Side pains me — here.”
Mrs. Golden’s words labored
like a steamer in heavy seas; the throbbing of her
heart shook them like the throb of the engines.
She put her hand to her right side, shakily, with
effort. It lay there, yellow against the white
muslin of her nightgown, then fell heavily to the bed,
like a dead thing. Una trembled with fear as
her mother continued, “My pulse — it’s
so fast — so hard breathing — side
pain.”
“I’ll put on an ice compress
and then I’ll go and get a doctor.”
Mrs. Golden tried to sit up.
“Oh no, no, no! Not a doctor! Not a
doctor!” she croaked. “Doctor Smyth
will be busy.”
“Well, I’ll have him come when he’s
through.”
“Oh no, no, can’t afford — ”
“Why — ”
“And — they scare you
so — he’d pretend I had pneumonia, like
Sam’s sister — he’d frighten
me so — I just have a summer cold. I — I’ll
be all right to-morrow, deary. Oh no, no, please
don’t, please don’t get a doctor.
Can’t afford it — can’t — ”
Pneumonia! At the word, which
brought the sterile bitterness of winter into this
fetid August room, Una was in a rigor of fear, yet
galvanized with belief in her mother’s bravery.
“My brave, brave little mother!” she thought.
Not till Una had promised that she
would not summon the doctor was her mother quieted,
though Una made the promise with reservations.
She relieved the pain in her mother’s side with
ice compresses — the ice chipped from the
pitiful little cake in their tiny ice-box. She
freshened pillows, she smoothed sheets; she made hot
broth and bathed her mother’s shoulders with
tepid water and rubbed her temples with menthol.
But the fever increased, and at times Mrs. Golden broke
through her shallow slumber with meaningless sentences,
like the beginning of delirium.
At midnight she was panting more and
more rapidly — three times as fast as normal
breathing. She was sunk in a stupor. And
Una, brooding by the bed, a crouched figure of mute
tragedy in the low light, grew more and more apprehensive
as her mother seemed to be borne away from her.
Una started up. She would risk her mother’s
displeasure and bring the doctor. Just then,
even Doctor Smyth of the neighborhood practice and
obstetrical habits seemed a miracle-worker.
She had to go four blocks to the nearest
drug-store that would be open at this time of night,
and there telephone the doctor.
She was aware that it was raining,
for the fire-escape outside shone wet in the light
from a window across the narrow court. She discovered
she had left mackintosh and umbrella at the office.
Stopping only to set out a clean towel, a spoon, and
a glass on the chair by the bed, Una put on the old
sweater which she secretly wore under her cheap thin
jacket in winter. She lumbered wearily down-stairs.
She prayed confusedly that God would give her back
her headache and in reward make her mother well.
She was down-stairs at the heavy,
grilled door. Rain was pouring. A light
six stories up in the apartment-house across the street
seemed infinitely distant and lonely, curtained from
her by the rain. Water splashed in the street
and gurgled in the gutters. It did not belong
to the city as it would have belonged to brown woods
or prairie. It was violent here, shocking and
terrible. It took distinct effort for Una to
wade out into it.
The modern city! Subway, asphalt,
a wireless message winging overhead, and Una Golden,
an office-woman in eye-glasses. Yet sickness and
rain and night were abroad; and it was a clumsily
wrapped peasant woman, bent-shouldered and heavily
breathing, who trudged unprotected through the dark
side-streets as though she were creeping along moorland
paths. Her thought was dulled to everything but
physical discomfort and the illness which menaced
the beloved. Woman’s eternal agony for the
sick of her family had transformed the trim smoothness
of the office-woman’s face into wrinkles that
were tragic and ruggedly beautiful.
Se
Again Una climbed the endless stairs
to her flat. She unconsciously counted the beat
of the weary, regular rhythm which her feet made on
the slate treads and the landings — one,
two, three, four, five, six, seven, landing, turn
and — one, two, three, four, five, six, seven — over
and over. At the foot of the last flight she
suddenly believed that her mother needed her this
instant. She broke the regular thumping rhythm
of her climb, dashed up, cried out at the seconds
wasted in unlocking the door. She tiptoed into
the bedroom — and found her mother just as
she had left her. In Una’s low groan of
gladness there was all the world’s self-sacrifice,
all the fidelity to a cause or to a love. But
as she sat unmoving she came to feel that her mother
was not there; her being was not in this wreck upon
the bed.
In an hour the doctor soothed his
way into the flat. He “was afraid there
might be just a little touch of pneumonia.”
With breezy fatherliness which inspirited Una, he
spoke of the possible presence of pneumococcus, of
doing magic things with Romer’s serum, of trusting
in God, of the rain, of cold baths and digitalin.
He patted Una’s head and cheerily promised to
return at dawn. He yawned and smiled at himself.
He looked as roundly, fuzzily sleepy as a bunny rabbit,
but in the quiet, forlorn room of night and illness
he radiated trust in himself. Una said to herself,
“He certainly must know what he is talking about.”
She was sure that the danger was over.
She did not go to bed, however. She sat stiffly
in the bedroom and planned amusements for her mother.
She would work harder, earn more money. They would
move to a cottage in the suburbs, where they would
have chickens and roses and a kitten, and her mother
would find neighborly people again.
Five days after, late on a bright,
cool afternoon, when all the flats about them were
thinking of dinner, her mother died.
Se
There was a certain madness in Una’s
grief. Her agony was a big, simple, uncontrollable
emotion, like the fanaticism of a crusader — alarming,
it was, not to be reckoned with, and beautiful as
a storm. Yet it was no more morbid than the little
fits of rage with which a school-teacher relieves
her cramped spirit. For the first time she had
the excuse to exercise her full power of emotion.
Una evoked an image of her mother
as one who had been altogether good, understanding,
clever, and unfortunate. She regretted every moment
she had spent away from her — remembered
with scorn that she had planned to go to the theater
the preceding Saturday, instead of sanctifying the
time in the Nirvana of the beloved’s presence;
repented with writhing agony having spoken harshly
about neglected household duties.
She even contrived to find it a virtue
in her mother that she had so often forgotten the
daily tasks — her mind had been too fine for
such things.... Una retraced their life.
But she remembered everything only as one remembers
under the sway of music.
“If I could just have another
hour, just one hour with her, and feel her hands on
my eyes again — ”
On the night before the funeral she
refused to let even Mrs. Sessions stay with her.
She did not want to share her mother’s shadowy
presence with any one.
She lay on the floor beside the bed
where her mother was stately in death. It was
her last chance to talk to her:
“Mother ... Mother ...
Don’t you hear me? It’s Una calling.
Can’t you answer me this one last time?
Oh, mother, think, mother dear, I can’t ever
hear your voice again if you don’t speak to me
now.... Don’t you remember how we went
home to Panama, our last vacation? Don’t
you remember how happy we were down at the lake?
Little mother, you haven’t forgotten, have you?
Even if you don’t answer, you know I’m
watching by you, don’t you? See, I’m
kissing your hand. Oh, you did want me to sleep
near you again, this last night — Oh, my
God! oh, my God! the last night I shall ever spend
with her, the very last, last night.”
All night long the thin voice came
from the little white-clad figure so insignificant
in the dimness, now lying motionless on the comforter
she had spread beside the bed, and talking in a tone
of ordinary conversation that was uncanny in this
room of invisible whisperers; now leaping up to kiss
the dead hand in a panic, lest it should already be
gone.
The funeral filled the house with
intruders. The drive to the cemetery was irritating.
She wanted to leap out of the carriage. At first
she concentrated on the cushion beside her till she
thought of nothing in the world but the faded bottle-green
upholstery, and a ridiculous drift of dust in the
tufting. But some one was talking to her. (It
was awkward Mr. Sessions, for shrewd Mrs. Sessions
had the genius to keep still.) He kept stammering
the most absurd platitudes about how happy her mother
must be in a heaven regarding which he did not seem
to have very recent or definite knowledge. She
was annoyed, not comforted. She wanted to break
away, to find her mother’s presence again in
that sacred place where she had so recently lived
and spoken.
Yet, when Una returned to the flat,
something was gone. She tried to concentrate
on thought about immortality. She found that she
had absolutely no facts upon which to base her thought.
The hundreds of good, sound, orthodox sermons she
had heard gave her nothing but vague pictures of an
eternal church supper somewhere in the clouds — nothing,
blankly and terribly nothing, that answered her bewildered
wonder as to what had become of the spirit which had
been there and now was gone.
In the midst of her mingling of longing
and doubt she realized that she was hungry, and she
rather regretted having refused Mrs. Sessions’s
invitation to dinner. She moved slowly about the
kitchen.
The rheumatic old canary hobbled along
the floor of his cage and tried to sing. At that
Una wept, “She never will hear poor Dickie sing
again.”
Instantly she remembered — as
clearly as though she were actually listening to the
voice and words — that her mother had burst
out, “Drat that bird, it does seem as if every
time I try to take a nap he just tries to wake me
up.” Una laughed grimly. Hastily she
reproved herself, “Oh, but mother didn’t
mean — ”
But in memory of that healthily vexed
voice, it seemed less wicked to take notice of food,
and after a reasonable dinner she put on her kimono
and bedroom slippers, carefully arranged the pillows
on the couch, and lay among them, meditating on her
future.
For half an hour she was afire with
an eager thought: “Why can’t I really
make a success of business, now that I can entirely
devote myself to it? There’s women — in
real estate, and lawyers and magazine editors — some
of them make ten thousand a year.”
So Una Golden ceased to live a small-town
life in New York; so she became a genuine part of
the world of offices; took thought and tried to conquer
this new way of city-dwelling.
“Maybe I can find out if there’s
anything in life — now — besides
working for T. W. till I’m scrapped like an
old machine,” she pondered. “How I
hate letters about two-family houses in Flatbush!”
She dug her knuckles into her forehead
in the effort to visualize the problem of the hopeless
women in industry.
She was an Average Young Woman on
a Job; she thought in terms of money and offices;
yet she was one with all the men and women, young and
old, who were creating a new age. She was nothing
in herself, yet as the molecule of water belongs to
the ocean, so Una Golden humbly belonged to the leaven
who, however confusedly, were beginning to demand,
“Why, since we have machinery, science, courage,
need we go on tolerating war and poverty and caste
and uncouthness, and all that sheer clumsiness?”