Yet here again, how often must he have experienced disillusion, or even some revolt of feeling, at that contact with coarser natures to which his religious conclusions exposed him.  At the beginning of the year one hundred and seventy-three public anxiety was as great as ever; and as before it brought people’s superstition into unreserved play.  For seven days the images of the old gods, and some of the graver new ones, lay solemnly exposed in the open air, arrayed in all their ornaments, each in his separate resting-place, amid lights and burning incense, while the crowd, following the imperial example, daily visited them, with offerings of flowers to this or that particular divinity, according to the devotion of each.

But supplementing these older official observances, the very wildest gods had their share of worship, — strange creatures with strange secrets startled abroad into open daylight.  The delirious sort of religion of which Marius was a spectator in the streets of Rome, during the seven days of the Lectisternium, reminded him now and again of an observation of Apuleius:  it was “as if the presence of the gods did not do men good, but disordered or weakened them.”  Some jaded women of fashion, especially, found in certain oriental devotions, at once relief for their religiously tearful souls and an opportunity for personal display; preferring this or that “mystery,” chiefly because the attire required in it was suitable to their peculiar manner of beauty.  And one morning Marius encountered an extraordinary crimson object, borne in a litter through an excited crowd — the famous courtesan Benedicta, still fresh from the bath of blood, to which she had submitted herself, sitting below the scaffold where the victims provided for that purpose were slaughtered by the priests.  Even on the last day of the solemnity, when the emperor himself performed one of the oldest ceremonies of the Roman religion, this fantastic piety had asserted itself.  There were victims enough certainly, brought from the choice pastures of the Sabine mountains, and conducted around the city they were to die for, in almost continuous procession, covered with flowers and well-nigh worried to death before the time by the crowds of people superstitiously pressing to touch them.  But certain old-fashioned Romans, in these exceptional circumstances, demanded something more than this, in the way of a human sacrifice after the ancient pattern; as when, not so long since, some Greeks or Gauls had been buried alive in the Forum.  At least, human blood should be shed; and it was through a wild multitude of fanatics, cutting their flesh with knives and whips and licking up ardently the crimson stream, that the emperor repaired to the temple of Bellona, and in solemn symbolic act cast the bloodstained spear, or “dart,” carefully preserved there, towards the enemy’s country — towards that unknown world of German homes, still warm, as some believed under the faint northern twilight, with those innocent affections of which Romans had lost the sense.  And this at least was clear, amid all doubts of abstract right or wrong on either side, that the ruin of those homes was involved in what Aurelius was then preparing for, with, — Yes! the gods be thanked for that achievement of an invigorating philosophy! — almost with a light heart.

For, in truth, that departure, really so difficult to him, for which Marcus Aurelius had needed to brace himself so strenuously, came to test the power of a long-studied theory of practice; and it was the development of this theory — a theoria, literally — a view, an intuition, of the most important facts, and still more important possibilities, concerning man in the world, that Marius now discovered, almost as if by accident, below the dry surface of the manuscripts entrusted to him.  The great purple rolls contained, first of all, statistics, a general historical account of the writer’s own time, and an exact diary; all alike, though in three different degrees of nearness to the writer’s own personal experience, laborious, formal, self-suppressing.  This was for the instruction of the public; and part of it has, perhaps, found its way into the Augustan Histories.  But it was for the especial guidance of his son Commodus that he had permitted himself to break out, here and there, into reflections upon what was passing, into conversations with the reader.  And then, as though he were put off his guard in this way, there had escaped into the heavy matter-of-fact, of which the main portion was composed, morsels of his conversation with himself.  It was the romance of a soul (to be traced only in hints, wayside notes, quotations from older masters), as it were in lifelong, and often baffled search after some vanished or elusive golden fleece, or Hesperidean fruit-trees, or some mysterious light of doctrine, ever retreating before him.  A man, he had seemed to Marius from the first, of two lives, as we say.  Of what nature, he had sometimes wondered, on the day, for instance, when he had interrupted the emperor’s musings in the empty palace, might be that placid inward guest or inhabitant, who from amid the pre-occupations of the man of practical affairs looked out, as if surprised, at the things and faces around.  Here, then, under the tame surface of what was meant for a life of business, Marius discovered, welcoming a brother, the spontaneous self-revelation of a soul as delicate as his own, — a soul for which conversation with itself was a necessity of existence.  Marius, indeed, had always suspected that the sense of such necessity was a peculiarity of his.  But here, certainly, was another, in this respect like himself; and again he seemed to detect the advent of some new or changed spirit into the world, mystic, inward, hardly to be satisfied with that wholly external and objective habit of life, which had been sufficient for the old classic soul.  His purely literary curiosity was greatly stimulated by this example of a book of self-portraiture.  It was in fact the position of the modern essayist, — creature of efforts rather than of achievements, in the matter of apprehending truth, but at least conscious of lights by the way, which he must needs record, acknowledge.  What seemed to underlie that position was the desire to make the most of every experience that might come, outwardly or from within:  to perpetuate, to display, what was so fleeting, in a kind of instinctive, pathetic protest against the imperial writer’s own theory — that theory of the “perpetual flux” of all things — to Marius himself, so plausible from of old.

There was, besides, a special moral or doctrinal significance in the making of such conversation with one’s self at all.  The Logos, the reasonable spark, in man, is common to him with the gods — koinos auto pros tous theous+ — cum diis communis.  That might seem but the truism of a certain school of philosophy; but in Aurelius was clearly an original and lively apprehension.  There could be no inward conversation with one’s self such as this, unless there were indeed some one else, aware of our actual thoughts and feelings, pleased or displeased at one’s disposition of one’s self.  Cornelius Fronto too could enounce that theory of the reasonable community between men and God, in many different ways.  But then, he was a cheerful man, and Aurelius a singularly sad one; and what to Fronto was but a doctrine, or a motive of mere rhetoric, was to the other a consolation.  He walks and talks, for a spiritual refreshment lacking which he would faint by the way, with what to the learned professor is but matter of philosophic eloquence.

In performing his public religious functions Marcus Aurelius had ever seemed like one who took part in some great process, a great thing really done, with more than the actually visible assistants about him.  Here, in these manuscripts, in a hundred marginal flowers of thought or language, in happy new phrases of his own like the impromptus of an actual conversation, in quotations from other older masters of the inward life, taking new significance from the chances of such intercourse, was the record of his communion with that eternal reason, which was also his own proper self, with the divine companion, whose tabernacle was in the intelligence of men — the journal of his daily commerce with that.

Chance:  or Providence!  Chance:  or Wisdom, one with nature and man, reaching from end to end, through all time and all existence, orderly disposing all things, according to fixed periods, as he describes it, in terms very like certain well-known words of the book of Wisdom: — those are the “fenced opposites” of the speculative dilemma, the tragic embarras, of which Aurelius cannot too often remind himself as the summary of man’s situation in the world.  If there be, however, a provident soul like this “behind the veil,” truly, even to him, even in the most intimate of those conversations, it has never yet spoken with any quite irresistible assertion of its presence.  Yet one’s choice in that speculative dilemma, as he has found it, is on the whole a matter of will. — “’Tis in thy power,” here too, again, “to think as thou wilt.”  For his part he has asserted his will, and has the courage of his opinion.  “To the better of two things, if thou findest that, turn with thy whole heart:  eat and drink ever of the best before thee.”  “Wisdom,” says that other disciple of the Sapiential philosophy, “hath mingled Her wine, she hath also prepared Herself a table.”  Tou aristou apolaue:+ “Partake ever of Her best!” And what Marius, peeping now very closely upon the intimacies of that singular mind, found a thing actually pathetic and affecting, was the manner of the writer’s bearing as in the presence of this supposed guest; so elusive, so jealous of any palpable manifestation of himself, so taxing to one’s faith, never allowing one to lean frankly upon him and feel wholly at rest.  Only, he would do his part, at least, in maintaining the constant fitness, the sweetness and quiet, of the guest-chamber.  Seeming to vary with the intellectual fortune of the hour, from the plainest account of experience, to a sheer fantasy, only “believed because it was impossible,” that one hope was, at all events, sufficient to make men’s common pleasures and their common ambition, above all their commonest vices, seem very petty indeed, too petty to know of.  It bred in him a kind of magnificence of character, in the old Greek sense of the term; a temper incompatible with any merely plausible advocacy of his convictions, or merely superficial thoughts about anything whatever, or talk about other people, or speculation as to what was passing in their so visibly little souls, or much talking of any kind, however clever or graceful.  A soul thus disposed had “already entered into the better life": — was indeed in some sort “a priest, a minister of the gods.”  Hence his constant “recollection”; a close watching of his soul, of a kind almost unique in the ancient world. — Before all things examine into thyself:  strive to be at home with thyself! — Marius, a sympathetic witness of all this, might almost seem to have had a foresight of monasticism itself in the prophetic future.  With this mystic companion he had gone a step onward out of the merely objective pagan existence.  Here was already a master in that craft of self-direction, which was about to play so large a part in the forming of human mind, under the sanction of the Christian church.

Yet it was in truth a somewhat melancholy service, a service on which one must needs move about, solemn, serious, depressed, with the hushed footsteps of those who move about the house where a dead body is lying.  Such was the impression which occurred to Marius again and again as he read, with a growing sense of some profound dissidence from his author.  By certain quite traceable links of association he was reminded, in spite of the moral beauty of the philosophic emperor’s ideas, how he had sat, essentially unconcerned, at the public shows.  For, actually, his contemplations had made him of a sad heart, inducing in him that melancholy — Tristitia — which even the monastic moralists have held to be of the nature of deadly sin, akin to the sin of Desidia or Inactivity.  Resignation, a sombre resignation, a sad heart, patient bearing of the burden of a sad heart: — Yes! this belonged doubtless to the situation of an honest thinker upon the world.  Only, in this case there seemed to be too much of a complacent acquiescence in the world as it is.  And there could be no true Theodice in that; no real accommodation of the world as it is, to the divine pattern of the Logos, the eternal reason, over against it.  It amounted to a tolerance of evil.

     The soul of good, though it moveth upon a way thou canst but little
     understand, yet prospereth on the journey: 

     If thou hast done aught in harmony with that reason in which men are
     communicant with the gods, there also can be nothing of evil with
     thee — nothing to be afraid of: 

     Whatever is, is right; as from the hand of one dispensing to every
     man according to his desert: 

     If reason fulfil its part in things, what more dost thou require?

     Dost thou take it ill that thy stature is but of four cubits?

     That which happeneth to each of us is for the profit of the whole.

     The profit of the whole, — that was sufficient!+

— Links, in a train of thought really generous! of which, nevertheless, the forced and yet facile optimism, refusing to see evil anywhere, might lack, after all, the secret of genuine cheerfulness.  It left in truth a weight upon the spirits; and with that weight unlifted, there could be no real justification of the ways of Heaven to man.  “Let thine air be cheerful,” he had said; and, with an effort, did himself at times attain to that serenity of aspect, which surely ought to accompany, as their outward flower and favour, hopeful assumptions like those.  Still, what in Aurelius was but a passing expression, was with Cornelius (Marius could but note the contrast) nature, and a veritable physiognomy.  With Cornelius, in fact, it was nothing less than the joy which Dante apprehended in the blessed spirits of the perfect, the outward semblance of which, like a reflex of physical light upon human faces from “the land which is very far off,” we may trace from Giotto onward to its consummation in the work of Raphael — the serenity, the durable cheerfulness, of those who have been indeed delivered from death, and of which the utmost degree of that famed “blitheness “of the Greeks had been but a transitory gleam, as in careless and wholly superficial youth.  And yet, in Cornelius, it was certainly united with the bold recognition of evil as a fact in the world; real as an aching in the head or heart, which one instinctively desires to have cured; an enemy with whom no terms could be made, visible, hatefully visible, in a thousand forms — the apparent waste of men’s gifts in an early, or even in a late grave; the death, as such, of men, and even of animals; the disease and pain of the body.

And there was another point of dissidence between Aurelius and his reader. — The philosophic emperor was a despiser of the body.  Since it is “the peculiar privilege of reason to move within herself, and to be proof against corporeal impressions, suffering neither sensation nor passion to break in upon her,” it follows that the true interest of the spirit must ever be to treat the body — Well! as a corpse attached thereto, rather than as a living companion — nay, actually to promote its dissolution.  In counterpoise to the inhumanity of this, presenting itself to the young reader as nothing less than a sin against nature, the very person of Cornelius was nothing less than a sanction of that reverent delight Marius had always had in the visible body of man.  Such delight indeed had been but a natural consequence of the sensuous or materialistic character of the philosophy of his choice.  Now to Cornelius the body of man was unmistakeably, as a later seer terms it, the one true temple in the world; or rather itself the proper object of worship, of a sacred service, in which the very finest gold might have its seemliness and due symbolic use: — Ah! and of what awe-stricken pity also, in its dejection, in the perishing gray bones of a poor man’s grave!

Some flaw of vision, thought Marius, must be involved in the philosopher’s contempt for it — some diseased point of thought, or moral dulness, leading logically to what seemed to him the strangest of all the emperor’s inhumanities, the temper of the suicide; for which there was just then, indeed, a sort of mania in the world. “’Tis part of the business of life,” he read, “to lose it handsomely.”  On due occasion, “one might give life the slip.”  The moral or mental powers might fail one; and then it were a fair question, precisely, whether the time for taking leave was not come: — “Thou canst leave this prison when thou wilt.  Go forth boldly!” Just there, in the bare capacity to entertain such question at all, there was what Marius, with a soul which must always leap up in loyal gratitude for mere physical sunshine, touching him as it touched the flies in the air, could not away with.  There, surely, was a sign of some crookedness in the natural power of apprehension.  It was the attitude, the melancholy intellectual attitude, of one who might be greatly mistaken in things — who might make the greatest of mistakes.

A heart that could forget itself in the misfortune, or even in the weakness of others: — of this Marius had certainly found the trace, as a confidant of the emperor’s conversations with himself, in spite of those jarring inhumanities, of that pretension to a stoical indifference, and the many difficulties of his manner of writing.  He found it again not long afterwards, in still stronger evidence, in this way.  As he read one morning early, there slipped from the rolls of manuscript a sealed letter with the emperor’s superscription, which might well be of importance, and he felt bound to deliver it at once in person; Aurelius being then absent from Rome in one of his favourite retreats, at Praeneste, taking a few days of quiet with his young children, before his departure for the war.  A whole day passed as Marius crossed the Campagna on horseback, pleased by the random autumn lights bringing out in the distance the sheep at pasture, the shepherds in their picturesque dress, the golden elms, tower and villa; and it was after dark that he mounted the steep street of the little hill-town to the imperial residence.  He was struck by an odd mixture of stillness and excitement about the place.  Lights burned at the windows.  It seemed that numerous visitors were within, for the courtyard was crowded with litters and horses in waiting.  For the moment, indeed, all larger cares, even the cares of war, of late so heavy a pressure, had been forgotten in what was passing with the little Annius Verus; who for his part had forgotten his toys, lying all day across the knees of his mother, as a mere child’s ear-ache grew rapidly to alarming sickness with great and manifest agony, only suspended a little, from time to time, when from very weariness he passed into a few moments of unconsciousness.  The country surgeon called in, had removed the imposthume with the knife.  There had been a great effort to bear this operation, for the terrified child, hardly persuaded to submit himself, when his pain was at its worst, and even more for the parents.  At length, amid a company of pupils pressing in with him, as the custom was, to watch the proceedings in the sick-room, the eminent Galen had arrived, only to pronounce the thing done visibly useless, the patient falling now into longer intervals of delirium.  And thus, thrust on one side by the crowd of departing visitors, Marius was forced into the privacy of a grief, the desolate face of which went deep into his memory, as he saw the emperor carry the child away — quite conscious at last, but with a touching expression upon it of weakness and defeat — pressed close to his bosom, as if he yearned just then for one thing only, to be united, to be absolutely one with it, in its obscure distress.