SECTION I. Of Female Society, in general.

No young man is fully aware how much he is indebted to female influence in forming his character. Happy for him if his mother and sisters were his principal companions in infancy. I do not mean to exclude the society of the father, of course; but the father’s avocations usually call him away from home, or at least from the immediate presence of his children, for a very considerable proportion of his time.

It would be easy to show, without the possibility of mistake, that it is those young men who are shut out either by accident or design, from female society, that most despise it. And on this account, I cannot but regret the supposed necessity which prevails of having separate schools for the two sexes; unless it were professional ones I mean for the study of law, medicine, &c. There is yet too much practical Mohammedanism and Paganism in our manner of educating the young.

If we examine the character and conduct of woman as it now is, and as history shows it to have been in other periods of the world, we shall see that much of the good and evil which has fallen upon mankind has been through her influence. We may see that man has often been influenced directly by the soft warning words, or the still more powerful weapons tears of woman, to do that to which whole legions of soldiers never could have driven him.

Now the same influence which is exerted by mothers and wives is also exerted, in a smaller degree, by sisters; and indeed by the female sex generally. When, therefore, I find a young man professing a disregard for their society, or frequenting only the worst part of it, I always expect to find in him a soul which would not hesitate long, in the day of temptation, to stoop to vicious if not base actions. Who would despise the fountain at which he is refreshed daily? Above all, who would willingly contaminate it? But how much better than this is it to show by our language, as well as deeds, that we hold this portion of the world in disdain; and only meet with them, if we meet them at all, to comply with custom, or for purposes still more unworthy; instead of seeking their society as a means of elevating and ennobling the character?

When, therefore, a young man begins to affect the wit, and to utter sarcasms against the female character, it may be set down as a mark, either of a weak head, or a base heart; for it cannot be good sense or gratitude, or justice, or honorable feeling of any kind. There are indeed nations, it is said, where a boy, as soon as he puts off the dress of a child, beats his mother, to show his manhood. These people live in the interior of Africa, and there let them remain. Let us be careful that we do not degrade the sex, in the same manner, by disrespectful language, or actions, or thoughts. We should ’think no evil,’ on this subject; for let it never be forgotten, that our own happiness and elevation of character must ever be in exact proportion to that of females. Degrade them, and we degrade ourselves; neglect to raise their moral and intellectual condition as much as possible, and you neglect the readiest and most certain means of promoting, in the end, your own comfort and happiness.

If any of your elder associates defame the sex, you can hardly be mistaken when you suspect them of having vitiated their taste for what is excellent in human character by improper intimacies, or still more abominable vices. The man who says he has never found a virtuous female character, you may rely upon it, cannot himself be virtuous.

In civilized society much of our time must necessarily be spent among females. These associations will have influence upon us. Either they are perpetually improving our character, or, on the other hand, by increasing our disregard or disgust, debasing it. Is it not wisdom, then, to make what we can of the advantages and opportunities which their society affords us?

The very presence of a respectable female will often restrain those from evil whose hearts are full of it. It is not easy to talk or to look obscenely, or even to behave with rudeness and ill manners under such restraint. Who has not seen the jarring and discordant tones of a company of rude men and boys hushed at once by the sudden arrival of a lady of dignified manners and appearance?

The frequent, the habitual society of one whom a youth respects, must have a happy tendency to make him love honorable conduct; and restrain his less honorable feelings. Frequent restraint tends to give the actual mastery; therefore every approach towards this must be of great value. There is a delicacy, too, in female society, which serves well to check the boisterous, to tame the brutal, and to embolden the timid. Whatever be the innate character of a youth, it may be polished, and exalted, by their approbation. He must be unusually hardened that can come from some shameful excess, or in a state of inebriety, into the company of the ladies.

Sometimes a diffident youth has been taken under the protection, if it may be so called, of a considerate and respectable woman. A woman of proper dignity of manners and character, especially with a few years’ advantage, can do this without the least injury to herself, and without stepping a hair’s breadth beyond the bounds which should surround her sex. Happy is the young man who enjoys a fostering care so important; he may learn the value of the sex; learn to discriminate among them, to esteem many of them, and prize their approbation; and in time, deserve it. It is obvious that the favor of silly, flirting girls, (and there are some such) is not what I am here recommending.

Where the character of such society is pure, where good sense, cultivation, intellect, modesty, and superior age, distinguish the parties, it is no small honor to a young man to enjoy it. Should he be conscious that epithets of a different and of a contrary quality belong to them, it is no honor to him to be their favorite. He must be like them, in some degree, or they would not approve him.

SECTION II. Advice and Friendship of Mothers.

When you seek female society for the sake of improvement, it is proper you should begin where nature begun with you. You have already been encouraged to respect your mother; I go a step farther; and say, Make her your friend. Unless your own misconduct has already been very great, she will not be so far estranged from you, as not to rejoice at the opportunity of bestowing that attention to you which the warmest wishes for your welfare would dictate. If your errors have, on the contrary, created a wide distance between you, endeavor to restore the connection as soon as possible. I do not undervalue a father’s counsel and guidance; yet however excellent his judgment may be, your mother’s opinion is not only a help to your own; but as a woman’s, it has its peculiar character, and may have its appropriate value. Women sometimes see at a glance, what a man must go round through a train of argument to discover. Their tact is delicate, and therefore quicker in operation. Sometimes, it is true, their judgment will not only be prompt, but premature. Your own judgment must assist you here. Do not, however, proudly despise your mother’s; but examine it. It will generally well repay the trouble; and the habit of consulting her will increase habits of consideration, and self command; and promote propriety of conduct.

If a mother be a woman of sense, why should you not profit by her long exercised intelligence? Nay, should she even be deficient in cultivation, or in native talent, yet her experience is something, and her love for you will, in part, make up for such deficiency. It cannot be worthiness to despise, or wisdom to neglect your mother’s opinion.

SECTION III. Society of Sisters.

Have you a sister? Have you several of them? Then you are favorably situated; especially if one of them is older than yourself. She has done playing with dolls, and you with bats and balls. She is more womanly; her carriage becomes dignified. Do not oblige her, by your boyish behavior, to keep you at a distance. Try to deserve the character of her friend. She will sometimes look to you for little services, which require strength and agility; let her look up to you for judgment, steadiness, and counsel too. You may be mutually beneficial. Your affection, and your intertwining interest in each other’s welfare, will hereby be much increased.

A sister usually present, is that sort of second conscience, which, like the fairy ring, in an old story, pinches the wearer whenever he is doing any thing amiss. Without occasioning so much awe as a mother, or so much reserve as a stranger, her sex, her affection, and the familiarity between you will form a compound of no small value in itself, and of no small influence, if you duly regard it, upon your growing character. Never for one moment suppose that a good joke at which a sister blushes, or turns pale, or even looks anxious. If you should not at first perceive what there is in it which is amiss, it will be well worth your while to examine all over again. Perhaps a single glance of her eye will explain your inconsiderateness; and as you value consistency and propriety of conduct, let it put you on your guard.

There is a sort of attention due to the sex which is best attained by practising at home. Your mother may sometimes require this attention, your sisters still oftener. Do not require calling, or teasing, or even persuading to go abroad with them when their safety, their comfort, or their respectability require it. It is their due; and stupid or unkind is he who does not esteem it so. In performing this service, you are only paying a respect to yourself. Your sister could, indeed, come home alone, but it would be a sad reflection on you were she obliged to do so. Accustom yourself, then, to wait upon her; it will teach you to wait upon others by and by; and in the meantime, it will give a graceful polish to your character.

It will be well for you, if your sisters have young friends whose acquaintance with them may bring you sometimes into their society. The familiarity allowable with your sisters, though it may well prepare you to show suitable attention to other ladies, yet has its disadvantages. You need sometimes to have those present who may keep you still more upon your guard; and render your manners and attention to them still more respectful.

SECTION IV. General Remarks and Advice.

Never seek, then, to avoid respectable female society. Total privation has its dangers, as well as too great intimacy. One of the bad results of such a privation, is, that you run the risk of becoming attached to unworthy objects because they first fall in your way. Human nature is ever in danger of perversion. Those passions which God has given you for the wisest and noblest purposes may goad you onward, and, if they do not prove the occasion of your destruction in one way, they may in another. If you should be preserved in solitude, you will not be quite safe abroad. Having but a very imperfect conception of the different shades of character among the sex, you will be ready to suppose all are excellent who appear fair and all good who appear gentle.

I have alluded to the dangers of too great intimacy. Nothing here advanced is intended to make you a mere trifler, or to sink the dignity of your own sex. Although you are to respect females because of their sex, yet there are some who bestow upon them a species of attention extremely injurious to themselves, and unpleasant and degrading to all sensible ladies.

There is still another evil sometimes resulting from too great intimacy. It is that you lead the other party to mistake your object. This mistake is easily made. It is not necessary, to this end, that you should make any professions of attachment, in word or deed. Looks, nay even something less than this, though it may be difficult to define it, may indicate that sort of preference for the society of a lady, that has sometimes awakened an attachment in her which you never suspected or intended. Or what is a far less evil, since it falls chiefly on yourself, it may lead her and others to ridicule you for what they suppose to be the result, on your part, of intention.

Let me caution you, then, if you would obey the golden rule of doing to others as you would wish others should do to you, in the same circumstances, and if you value, besides this, your own peace, to beware of injuring those whom you highly esteem, by leading them by words, looks, or actions, to that misapprehension of your meaning which may be the means of planting thorns in their bosoms, if not in your own.

There is another error to which I wish to call your attention, in this place, although it might more properly be placed under the head, Seduction. I allude to the error of too great familiarity with others, after your heart is already pledged to a particular favorite. Here, more, if possible, than in the former case, do you need to set a guard over all your ways, words, and actions; and to resolve, in the strength, and with the aid of Divine grace, that you will never deviate from that rule of conduct toward others, which Divine Goodness has given, as the grand text to the book of human duty.

The general idea presented in the foregoing sections, of what a woman ought to be, is sufficient to guide you, with a little care in the application. Such as are forward, soon become tedious. Their character is what no man of taste will bear. Some are even anglers, aiming to catch gudgeons by every look; placing themselves in attitudes to allure the vagrant eye. Against such it is quite unnecessary that I should warn you; they usually give you sufficient notice themselves. The trifler can scarcely amuse you for an evening. The company of a lady who has nothing to say but what is commonplace, whose inactive mind never for once stumbles upon an idea of its own, must be dull, as a matter of course. You can learn nothing from her, unless it be the folly of a vacant mind. Come away, lest you catch the same disorder.

The artful and manoeuvring, on the contrary, will, at a glance, penetrate your inmost mind, and become any thing which they perceive will be agreeable to you.

Should your lot be cast where you can enjoy the society of a few intelligent, agreeable, and respectable females, remember to prize the acquisition. If you do not derive immense advantage from it, the fault must be your own. If, in addition to the foregoing qualifications, these female friends happen to have had a judicious and useful, rather than a merely polite education, your advantages are doubly valuable.

The genial influence of such companions must unavoidably be on the side of goodness and propriety. Loveliness of mind will impart that agreeableness of person which recommends to the heart every sentiment, gives weight to every argument, justifies every opinion, and soothes to recollection and recovery those who, were they reproved by any other voice, might have risen to resistance, or sunk into despair. The only necessary caution in the case is, ‘Beware of idolatry.’ Keep yourself clear from fascination, and call in the aid of your severest judgment to keep your mind true to yourself, and to principle.

SECTION V. Lyceums and other Social Meetings.

The course of my remarks has given occasion, in several instances, to speak of the importance of lyceums as a means of mental and social improvement. It will not be necessary therefore, in this place, to dwell, at length, on their importance. My principal object will be to call your attention to the subject in general, and urge it upon your consideration. I hope no young person who reads these pages, will neglect to avail himself of the advantages which a good lyceum affords; or if there are none of that character within his reach, let him make unremitting efforts till one exists.

Although these institutions are yet in their infancy, and could hardly have been expected to accomplish more within the same period than they have, it is hoped they will not hereafter confine their inquiries so exclusively to matters of mere intellect, as has often been done. There are other subjects nearer home, if I may so say, than these. How strangely do mankind, generally, stretch their thoughts and inquiries abroad to the concerns of other individuals, states and nations, and forget themselves, and the objects and beings near by them, and their mutual relations, connections, and dependencies!

Lyceums, when they shall have obtained a firmer footing among us, may become a most valuable means of enlightening the mass of the community, in regard to the structure and laws of the human body, and its relation to surrounding objects; of discussing the philosophy of dress, and its different materials for different seasons; of food, and drink, and sleep and exercise; of dwellings and other buildings; of amusements and employments; in short, of the ten thousand little things, as many call them, which go to make up human life, with its enjoyments or miseries. These things have been surprisingly overlooked by most men, for the sake of attending to others, whose bearing on human happiness, if not often questionable, is at least more remote.

In some of our larger cities there are respectable courses of useful lectures established during the months of winter, and sometimes throughout the year. Added to this are reading-rooms, and various sorts of libraries, which are accessible for a small sum, and sometimes for almost nothing. There have been three valuable courses of Franklin Lectures delivered in Boston, during the three last winters, of twenty lectures each, for only fifty cents a course. In most large towns, benevolent and spirited individuals might establish something of the same kind, at least every winter.

SECTION VI. Moral Instruction.

It was not my intention, at first, to say a single word, directly, on the subject of religion, but I should leave this chapter very incomplete indeed, as well as do violence to my own feelings, should I say nothing at all of Bible classes, and other means of religious instruction, with which the age, and especially this part of the country abounds, not only on Sundays, but during the long evenings of leisure which, for a part of the year, many young men enjoy.

Viewed merely as a means of improving the mind, and acquiring much authentic historical information to be found nowhere else, the study of the Bible is a most valuable exercise, and ought to be encouraged. To adults who labor, a walk to church, and prompt attention to the Bible lesson, is happily adapted to the health of the body, no less than to intellectual improvement; and whatever objections might be urged against subjecting infants and young children who attend other schools during the week, to the present routine of Sabbath instruction, I am quite sure that the class of young persons for whom I am writing, would derive the most lasting benefit from studying the Bible.

I have made these remarks on the presumption that they were to derive no moral improvement from Bible instruction. However, I see not how these schools can be long attended by ingenuous minds without inspiring a respect, at the least, for that book which is superior to all other books, and for that religion which it inculcates; which is above all sect, and beyond all price.

SECTION VII. Of Female Society in reference to Marriage.

It is now time to consider the subject of female society in reference to matrimony. I shall find it necessary, however, to make a division of my subject, reserving a more complete view of female qualifications for a succeeding chapter.

Whatever advice may be given to the contrary by friends or foes, it is my opinion that you ought to keep matrimony steadily in view. For this end, were it for no other, you ought to mingle much in society. Never consider yourself complete without this other half of yourself. It is too much the fashion among young men at the present day to make up their minds to dispense with marriage; an unnatural, and therefore an unwise plan. Much of our character, and most of our comfort and happiness depend upon it. Many have found this out too late; that is, after age and fixed habits had partly disqualified them for this important duty.

All that has been hitherto said of female influence bears upon this point. According to the character of the person you select, in a considerable degree, will be your own. Should a mere face fascinate you to a doll, you will not need much mental energy to please her; and the necessity of exertion on this account being small, your own self will sink, or at least not rise, as it otherwise might do.

But were I personally acquainted with you, and should I perceive an honorable attachment taking possession of your heart, I should regard it as a happy circumstance. Life then has an object. The only thing to be observed is that it be managed with prudence, honor, and good sense.

The case of John Newton is precisely in point. In very early life this man formed a strong attachment to a lady, under circumstances which did not permit him to make it known; which was probably well for both parties. It did not diminish her happiness, so long as she remained in ignorance on the subject; and in scenes of sorrow, suffering, and temptation, the hope of one day obtaining her soothed him, and kept him from performing many dishonorable actions. ‘The bare possibility,’ he says, ’of seeing her again, was the only obvious means of restraining me from the most horrid designs, against myself and others.’

The wish to marry, if prudently indulged, will lead to honest and persevering exertions to obtain a reasonable income one which will be satisfactory to the object of your hopes, as well as to her friends. He who is determined on living a single life, very naturally contracts his endeavors to his own narrow personal wants, or else squanders freely, in the belief that he can always procure enough to support himself. Indeed it cannot have escaped even the careless observer that in proportion as an individual relinquishes the idea of matrimony, just in the same proportion do his mind and feelings contract. On the contrary, that hope which aims at a beloved partner a family a fireside, will lead its possessor to activity in all his conduct. It will elicit his talents, and urge them to their full energy, and probably call in the aid of economy; a quality so indispensable to every condition of life. The single consideration, ’What would she think were she now to see me?’ called up by the obtrusion of a favorite image, how often has it stimulated a noble mind and heart to deeds which otherwise had never been performed!

I repeat it, I am aware that this advice is liable to abuse. But what shall be done? Images of some sort will haunt the mind more or less female influence in some shape or other will operate. Is it not better to give the imagination a virtuous direction than to leave it to range without control, and without end?

I repeat it, nothing is better calculated to preserve a young man from the contamination of low pleasures and pursuits, than frequent intercourse with the more refined and virtuous of the other sex. Besides, without such society his manners can never acquire the true polish of a gentleman, general character, dignity, and refinement; nor his mind and heart the truest and noblest sentiments of a man. Make it an object then, I again say, to spend some portion of every week of your life in the company of intelligent and virtuous ladies. At all events, flee solitude, and especially the exclusive society of your own sex. The doctrines even of Zimmerman, the great apostle of solitude, would put to shame many young men, who seldom or never mix in female society.

If you should be so unfortunate as not to have among your acquaintance any ladies whose society would, in these points of view, be profitable to you, do not be in haste to mix with the ignorant and vulgar; but wait patiently till your own industry and good conduct shall give you admission to better circles; and in the meantime cultivate your mind by reading and thinking, so that when you actually gain admission to good society, you may know how to prize and enjoy it. Remember, too, that you are not to be so selfish as to think nothing of contributing to the happiness of others. It is blessed to give as well as to receive.

When you are in the company of ladies, beware of silliness. It is true that they will sooner forgive foolishness than ill manners, but you will, of course, avoid both. I know one young gentleman of great promise, who adopted the opinion that in order to qualify himself for female society, he had only to become as foolish as possible, while in their presence. That young man soon lost the favor of all whose friendship might have operated as a restraint; but unwilling to associate with the despicable, and unable to live in absolute solitude, he chose the bottle for his companion; and made himself, and the few friends he had, miserable.

Nothing, unless it be the coarsest flattery, will give more offence, in the end, than to treat ladies as mere playthings or children. On the other hand, do not become pedantic, and lecture them on difficult subjects. They readily see through all this. Neither is it good manners or policy to talk much of yourself. They can penetrate this also; and they despise the vanity which produces it. In detecting deception, they are often much quicker than we apprehend.

A young gentleman, in one of the New England States, who had assumed the chair of the pedagogue, paid his addresses to the beautiful and sensible daughter of a respectable farmer. One day, as she was present in his school, he read to her a hymn, which he said was from his own pen. Now it was obvious to this lady, and even to some of the pupils, that the hymn was none other than that usually known by the name of the ‘Harvest Hymn,’ modified by the change of a few words only. How much effect this circumstance might have had I cannot say with certainty; but I know it disgusted one, at least, of the pupils; and I know, too, that his addresses to the lady were soon afterwards discontinued.

A young man who would profit from the society of young ladies, or indeed from any society, must preserve a modest and respectful spirit; must seek to conciliate their good will by quiet and unostentatious attentions, and discover more willingness to avail himself of their stock of information, than to display his own knowledge or abilities.

He should observe, and learn to admire, that purity and ignorance of evil, which is the characteristic of well-educated young ladies, and which, while we are near them, raises us above those sordid and sensual considerations which hold such sway over men, in their intercourse with each other. He should treat them as spirits of a purer sphere, and try to be as innocent, if not as ignorant of evil as they are; remembering that there is no better way of raising himself in the scale of intellectual and moral being. But to whatever degree of intimacy he may arrive, he should never forget those little acts of courtesy and kindness, as well as that respect, and self-denial, which lend a charm to every kind of polite intercourse, and especially to that of which I am now speaking.

Whenever an opportunity occurs, however, it is the duty of a young man to introduce topics of conversation which are decidedly favorable to mental and moral improvement. Should he happen to be attending to the same study, or reading the same book with a female acquaintance, an excellent opportunity will be afforded for putting this rule in practice.