In solitary walks James had found
his only consolation. He knew even in that populous
district unfrequented parts where he could wander without
fear of interruption. Among the trees and the
flowers, in the broad meadows, he forgot himself;
and, his senses sharpened by long absence, he learnt
for the first time the exquisite charm of English country.
He loved the spring, with its yellow, countless buttercups,
spread over the green fields like a cloth of gold,
whereon might fitly walk the angels of Messer Perugino.
The colours were so delicate that one could not believe
it possible for paints and paint-brush to reproduce
them; the atmosphere visibly surrounded things, softening
their outlines. Sometimes from a hill higher
than the rest James looked down at the plain, bathed
in golden sunlight. The fields of corn, the fields
of clover, the roads and the rivulets, formed themselves
in that flood of light into an harmonious pattern,
luminous and ethereal. A pleasant reverie filled
his mind, unanalysable, a waking dream of half-voluptuous
sensation.
On the other side of the common, James
knew a wood of tall fir trees, dark and ragged, their
sombre green veiled in a silvery mist, as though,
like a chill vapour, the hoar-frost of a hundred winters
still lingered among their branches. At the edge
of the hill, up which they climbed in serried hundreds,
stood here and there an oak tree, just bursting into
leaf, clothed with its new-born verdure, like the bride
of the young god, Spring. And the ever-lasting
youth of the oak trees contrasted wonderfully with
the undying age of the firs. Then later, in the
height of the summer, James found the pine wood cool
and silent, fitting his humour. It was like the
forest of life, the grey and sombre labyrinth where
wandered the poet of Hell and Death. The tall
trees rose straight and slender, like the barren masts
of sailing ships; the gentle aromatic odour, the light
subdued; the purple mist, so faint as to be scarcely
discernible, a mere tinge of warmth in the day-all
gave him an exquisite sense of rest. Here he
could forget his trouble, and give himself over to
the love which seemed his real life; here the recollection
of Mrs. Wallace gained flesh and blood, seeming so
real that he almost stretched out his arms to seize
her.... His footfall on the brown needles was
noiseless, and the tread was soft and easy; the odours
filled him like an Eastern drug with drowsy intoxication.
But all that now was gone. When,
unbidden, the well-known laugh rang again in his ears,
or he felt on his hands the touch of the slender fingers,
James turned away with a gesture of distaste.
Now Mrs. Wallace brought him only bitterness, and
he tortured himself insanely trying to forget her....
With tenfold force the sensation returned which had
so terribly oppressed him before his illness; he felt
that Nature had become intolerably monotonous; the
circumscribed, prim country was horrible. On
every inch of it the hand of man was apparent.
It was a prison, and his hands and feet were chained
with heavy iron.... The dark, immovable clouds
were piled upon one another in giant masses-so
distinct and sharply cut, so rounded, that one almost
saw the impressure of the fingers of some Titanic
sculptor; and they hung low down, overwhelming, so
that James could scarcely breathe. The sombre
elms were too well-ordered, the meadows too carefully
tended. All round, the hills were dark and drear;
and that very fertility, that fat Kentish luxuriance,
added to the oppression. It was a task impossible
to escape from that iron circle. All power of
flight abandoned him. Oh! he loathed it!
The past centuries of people, living
in a certain way, with certain standards, influenced
by certain emotions, were too strong for him.
James was like a foolish bird-a bird born
in a cage, without power to attain its freedom.
His lust for a free life was futile; he acknowledged
with cruel self-contempt that he was weaker than a
woman-ineffectual. He could not lead
the life of his little circle, purposeless and untrue;
and yet he had not power to lead a life of his own.
Uncertain, vacillating, torn between the old and the
new, his reason led him; his conscience drew him back.
But the ties of his birth and ancestry were too strong;
he had not the energy even of the poor tramp, who carries
with him his whole fortune, and leaves in the lap of
the gods the uncertain future. James envied with
all his heart the beggar boy, wandering homeless and
penniless, but free. He, at least, had not these
inhuman fetters which it was death to suffer and death
to cast off; he, indeed, could make the world his
servant. Freedom, freedom! If one were only
unconscious of captivity, what would it matter?
It is the knowledge that kills. And James walked
again by the neat, iron railing which enclosed the
fields, his head aching with the rigidity and decorum,
wishing vainly for just one piece of barren, unkept
land to remind him that all the world was not a prison.
Already the autumn had come.
The rich, mouldering colours were like an air melancholy
with the approach of inevitable death; but in those
passionate tints, in the red and gold of the apples,
in the many tones of the first-fallen leaves, there
was still something which forbade one to forget that
in the death and decay of Nature there was always the
beginning of other life. Yet to James the autumn
heralded death, with no consoling afterthought.
He had nothing to live for since he knew that Mrs.
Wallace could never love him. His love for her
had borne him up and sustained him; but now it was
hateful and despicable. After all, his life was
his own to do what he liked with; the love of others
had no right to claim his self-respect. If he
had duties to them, he had duties to himself also;
and more vehemently than ever James felt that such
a union as was before him could only be a degradation.
He repeated with new emotion that marriage without
love was prostitution. If death was the only
way in which he could keep clean that body ignorantly
despised, why, he was not afraid of death! He
had seen it too often for the thought to excite alarm.
It was but a common, mechanical process, quickly finished,
and not more painful than could be borne. The
flesh is all which is certainly immortal; the dissolution
of consciousness is the signal of new birth.
Out of corruption springs fresh life, like the roses
from a Roman tomb; and the body, one with the earth,
pursues the eternal round.
But one day James told himself impatiently
that all these thoughts were mad and foolish; he could
only have them because he was still out of health.
Life, after all, was the most precious thing in the
world. It was absurd to throw it away like a
broken toy. He rebelled against the fate which
seemed forcing itself upon him. He determined
to make the effort and, come what might, break the
hateful bonds. It only required a little courage,
a little strength of mind. If others suffered,
he had suffered too. The sacrifice they demanded
was too great.... But when he returned to Primpton
House, the inevitability of it all forced itself once
again upon him. He shrugged his shoulders despairingly;
it was no good.
The whole atmosphere oppressed him
so that he felt powerless; some hidden influence surrounded
James, sucking from his blood, as it were, all manliness,
dulling his brain. He became a mere puppet, acting
in accordance to principles that were not his own,
automatic, will-less. His father sat, as ever,
in the dining-room by the fire, for only in the warmest
weather could he do without artificial heat, and he
read the paper, sometimes aloud, making little comments.
His mother, at the table, on a stiff-backed chair,
was knitting-everlastingly knitting.
Outwardly there was in them a placid content, and a
gentleness which made them seem pliant as wax; but
really they were iron. James knew at last how
pitiless was their love, how inhumanly cruel their
intolerance; and of the two his father seemed more
implacable, more horribly relentless. His mother’s
anger was bearable, but the Colonel’s very weakness
was a deadly weapon. His despair, his dumb sorrow,
his entire dependence on the forbearance of others,
were more tyrannical than the most despotic power.
James was indeed a bird beating himself against the
imprisoning cage; and its bars were loving-kindness
and trust, tears, silent distress, bitter disillusion,
and old age.
“Where’s Mary?” asked James.
“She’s in the garden, walking with Uncle
William.”
“How well they get on together,” said
the Colonel, smiling.
James looked at his father, and thought
he had never seen him so old and feeble. His
hands were almost transparent; his thin white hair,
his bowed shoulders, gave an impression of utter weakness.
“Are you very glad the wedding
is so near, father?” asked James, placing his
hand gently on the old man’s shoulder.
“I should think I was.”
“You want to get rid of me so badly?”
“’A man shall leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife;
and they shall be one flesh.’ We shall have
to do without you.”
“I wonder whether you are fonder of Mary than
of me?”
The Colonel did not answer, but Mrs. Parsons laughed.
“My impression is that your
father has grown so devoted to Mary that he hardly
thinks you worthy of her.”
“Really? And yet you want me to marry her,
don’t you, daddy?”
“It’s the wish of my heart.”
“Were you very wretched when our engagement
was broken off?”
“Don’t talk of it!
Now it’s all settled, Jamie, I can tell you that
I’d sooner see you dead at my feet than that
you should break your word to Mary.”
James laughed.
“And you, mother?” he asked, lightly.
She did not answer, but looked at him earnestly.
“What, you too? Would you
rather see me dead than not married to Mary?
What a bloodthirsty pair you are!”
James, laughing, spoke so gaily, it
never dawned on them that his words meant more than
was obvious; and yet he felt that they, loving but
implacable, had signed his death-warrant. With
smiling faces they had thrown open the portals of
that House, and he, smiling, was ready to enter.
Mary at that moment came in, followed by Uncle William.
“Well, Jamie, there you are!”
she cried, in that hard, metallic voice which to James
betrayed so obviously the meanness of her spirit and
her self-complacency. “Where on earth have
you been?”
She stood by the table, straight,
uncompromising, self-reliant; by her immaculate virtue,
by the strength of her narrow will, she completely
domineered the others. She felt herself capable
of managing them all, and, in fact, had been giving
Uncle William a friendly little lecture upon some
action of which she disapproved. Mary had left
off her summer things and wore again the plain serge
skirt, and because it was rainy, the battered straw
hat of the preceding winter. She was using up
her old things, and having got all possible wear out
of them, intended on the day before her marriage generously
to distribute them among the poor.
“Is my face very red?”
she asked. “There’s a lot of wind
to-day.”
To James she had never seemed more
unfeminine; that physical repulsion which at first
had terrified him now was grown into an ungovernable
hate. Everything Mary did irritated and exasperated
him; he wondered she did not see the hatred in his
eyes as he looked at her, answering her question.
“Oh, no,” he said to himself,
“I would rather shoot myself than marry you!”
His dislike was unreasonable, but
he could not help it; and the devotion of his parents
made him detest her all the more; he could not imagine
what they saw in her. With hostile glance he watched
her movements as she took off her hat and arranged
her hair, grimly drawn back and excessively neat;
she fetched her knitting from Mrs. Parsons’s
work-basket and sat down. All her actions had
in them an insufferable air of patronage, and she
seemed more than usually pleased with herself.
James had an insane desire to hurt her, to ruffle that
self-satisfaction; and he wanted to say something that
should wound her to the quick. And all the time
he laughed and jested as though he were in the highest
spirits.
“And what were you doing this
morning, Mary?” asked Colonel Parsons.
“Oh, I biked in to Tunbridge
Wells with Mr. Dryland to play golf. He plays
a rattling good game.”
“Did he beat you?”
“Well, no,” she answered,
modestly. “It so happened that I beat him.
But he took his thrashing remarkably well-some
men get so angry when they’re beaten by a girl.”
“The curate has many virtues,” said James.
“He was talking about you, Jamie.
He said he thought you disliked him; but I told him
I was certain you didn’t. He’s really
such a good man, one can’t help liking him.
He said he’d like to teach you golf.”
“And is he going to?”
“Certainly not. I mean to do that myself.”
“There are many things you want
to teach me, Mary. You’ll have your hands
full.”
“Oh, by the way, father told
me to remind you and Uncle William that you were shooting
with him the day after to-morrow. You’re
to fetch him at ten.”
“I hadn’t forgotten,”
replied James. “Uncle William, we shall
have to clean our guns to-morrow.”
James had come to a decision at last,
and meant to waste no time; indeed, there was none
to waste. And to remind him how near was the date
fixed for the wedding were the preparations almost
complete. One or two presents had already arrived.
With all his heart he thanked his father and mother
for having made the way easier for him. He thought
what he was about to do the kindest thing both to
them and to Mary. Under no circumstances could
he marry her; that would be adding a greater lie to
those which he had already been forced into, and the
misery was more than he could bear. But his death
was the only other way of satisfying her undoubted
claims. He had little doubt that in six months
he would be as well forgotten as poor Reggie Larcher,
and he did not care; he was sick of the whole business,
and wanted the quiet of death. His love for Mrs.
Wallace would never give him peace upon earth; it was
utterly futile, and yet unconquerable.
James saw his opportunity in Colonel
Clibborn’s invitation to shoot; he was most
anxious to make the affair seem accidental, and that,
in cleaning his gun, was easy. He had been wounded
before and knew that the pain was not very great.
He had, therefore, nothing to fear.
Now at last he regained his spirits.
He did not read or walk, but spent the day talking
with his father; he wished the last impression he would
leave to be as charming as possible, and took great
pains to appear at his best.
He slept well that night, and in the
morning dressed himself with unusual care. At
Primpton House they breakfasted at eight, and afterwards
James smoked his pipe, reading the newspaper.
He was a little astonished at his calm, for doubt
no longer assailed him, and the indecision which paralysed
all his faculties had disappeared.
“It is the beginning of my freedom,”
he thought. All human interests had abandoned
him, except a vague sensation of amusement. He
saw the humour of the comedy he was acting, and dispassionately
approved himself, because he did not give way to histrionics.
“Well, Uncle William,”
he said, at last, “what d’you say to setting
to work on our guns?”
“I’m always ready for everything,”
said Major Forsyth.
“Come on, then.”
They went into what they called the
harness-room, and James began carefully to clean his
gun.
“I think I’ll take my coat off,”
he said; “I can work better without.”
The gun had not been used for several
months, and James had a good deal to do. He leant
over and rubbed a little rust off the lock.
“Upon my word,” said Uncle
William, “I’ve never seen anyone handle
a gun so carelessly as you. D’you call
yourself a soldier?”
“I am a bit slack,” replied
James, laughing. “People are always telling
me that.”
“Well, take care, for goodness’ sake!
It may be loaded.”
“Oh, no, there’s no danger. It’s
not loaded, and besides, it’s locked.”
“Still, you oughtn’t to hold it like that.”
“It would be rather comic if
I killed myself accidentally. I wonder what Mary
would say?”
“Well, you’ve escaped
death so often by the skin of your teeth, I think
you’re pretty safe from everything but old age.”
Presently James turned to his uncle.
“I say, this is rotten oil. I wish we could
get some fresh.”
“I was just thinking that.”
“Well, you’re a pal of
the cook. Go and ask her for some, there’s
a good chap.”
“She’ll do anything for
me,” said Major Forsyth, with a self-satisfied
smile. It was his opinion that no woman, countess
or scullery-maid, could resist his fascinations; and
taking the cup, he trotted off.
James immediately went to the cupboard
and took out a cartridge. He slipped it in, rested
the butt on the ground, pointed the barrel to his
heart, and-fired!