CHAPTER LXXIII - AFTER-THOUGHTS
Barthrop and I decided that we could
not hope to continue the scheme. We had neither
the force nor the experience. The whole society
was, we felt, just the expression of Father Payne’s
personality, and without it, it had neither stability
nor significance. Barthrop and the Vicar were
left money legacies: the servants all received
little pensions: there was a sum for distribution
in the village, and a fund endowed to meet certain
practical needs of the place. We handed over
the estate to Father Payne’s old College, the
furniture and pictures to go with the house, which
was to be let, if possible, to a tenant who would
be inclined to settle there and make it his home:
the income of the estate was to provide travelling
scholarships. All had been carefully thought out
with much practical sense and insight.
Our other two companions went away.
Barthrop and I stayed on at the Hall together for
some weeks to settle the final arrangements. We
had some wonderfully touching letters from old pupils
and friends of Father Payne’s. One in particular,
saying that the writer owed an infinite debt of gratitude
to Father Payne, for having saved him from himself
and given him a new life.
We talked much of Father Payne in
those days; and I went alone to all the places where
I had walked with him, recalling more gratefully than
sadly how he had looked and moved and talked and smiled.
It came to the last night that we
were to spend at the Hall together. Everything
had been gone through and arranged, and we were glad,
I think, to be departing.
“I don’t know what to
say and think about it all,” said Barthrop; “I
feel at present quite lost and stranded, as if my
motive for living were gone, and as if I could hardly
take up my work again. I know it is wrong, and
I am ashamed of it. Father Payne always said
that we must not depend helplessly upon persons or
institutions, but must find our own real life and
live it - you remember?”
“Yes,” I said, “indeed
I do remember! But I do not think he ever realised
quite how strong he was, and how he affected those
about him. He did not need us - I sometimes
think he did not need anyone - and he credited
everyone with living the same intent life that he
lived. But I shall always be infinitely grateful
to him for showing me just that - that one
must live one’s own life, through and in spite
of everything grievous that happens. The temptation
is to indulge grief, and to feel that collapse in such
a case is a sign of loyalty. It isn’t so - if
one collapses, it only means that one has been living
an artificial and parasitical life. Father Payne
would have hated that - and I don’t
mean to do it. He has given me not only an example,
but an inspiration - a real current of life
has flowed into my life from his - or perhaps
rather through his from some deeper origin.”
“That is so,” said Barthrop,
“that is perfectly true! and don’t you
remember too how he always said life must be a real
fight - a joining in the fight that was going
forwards? It need not be wrangling or disputing,
or finding fault with other people, or maintaining
and confuting. He used to say that people fought
in a hundred ways - with their humour, their
companionableness, their kindness, their friendliness - it
need not be violent, and indeed if it was violent,
that was fighting on the wrong side - it
had only to be calm and sincere and dutiful.”
“Did he say that?” I said.
“Yes, I am sure he did - no one else
could say it or think of it. Of course, we have
to fight, but not by dealing injury and harm, but
by seeking and following peace and goodwill. Well,
we must try - and it may be that we shall
find him again, though he is hidden for a little while
with God.”
“Yes,” said Barthrop,
“we shall find him, or he will find us - it
makes little difference: and he will always be
the same, though I hope we may be different!”