Train journeys have too often been sorrowful for me, so much so that the conception itself of a train, crawling over the country like a snake, or flying across it like a winged monster, fills me with melancholy.  Trains loaded with human parcels of sadness and illusion and brief joy, wandering about, crossing, and occasionally colliding in the murk of existence; trains warmed and lighted in winter; trains open to catch the air of your own passage in summer; night-trains that pierce the night with your yellow, glaring eyes, and waken mysterious villages, and leave the night behind and run into the dawn as into a station; trains that carry bread and meats for the human parcels, and pillows and fountains of fresh water; trains that sweep haughtily and wearily indifferent through the landscapes and the towns, sufficient unto yourselves, hasty, panting, formidable, and yet mournful entities:  I have understood you in your arrogance and your pathos.

That little journey from Knype to Shawport had implanted itself painfully in my memory, as though during it I had peered too close into the face of life.  And now I had undertaken another, and a longer one.  Three months had elapsed-three months of growing misery and despair; three months of tedious familiarity with lawyers and distant relatives, and all the exasperating camp-followers of death; three months of secret and strange fear, waxing daily.  And at last, amid the expostulations and the shrugs of wisdom and age, I had decided to go to London.  I had little energy, and no interest, but I saw that I must go to London; I was driven there by my secret fear; I dared not delay.  And not a soul in the wide waste of the Five Towns comprehended me, or could have comprehended me had it been so minded.  I might have shut up the house for a time.  But no; I would not.  Always I have been sudden, violent, and arbitrary; I have never been able to tolerate half-measures, or to wait upon occasion.  I sold the house; I sold the furniture.  Yes; and I dismissed my faithful Rebecca and the clinging Lucy, and they departed, God knows where; it was as though I had sold them into slavery.  Again and again, in the final week, I cut myself to the quick, recklessly, perhaps purposely; I moved in a sort of terrible languor, deaf to every appeal, pretending to be stony, and yet tortured by my secret fear, and by a hemorrhage of the heart that no philosophy could stanch.  And I swear that nothing desolated me more than the strapping and the labelling of my trunks that morning after I had slept, dreamfully, in the bed that I should never use again-the bed that, indeed, was even then the property of a furniture dealer.  Had I wept at all, I should have wept as I wrote out the labels for my trunks:  ‘Miss Peel, passenger to Golden Cross Hotel, London.  Euston via Rugby,’ with two thick lines drawn under the ‘Euston.’  That writing of labels was the climax.  With a desperate effort I tore myself up by the roots, and all bleeding I left the Five Towns.  I have never seen them since.  Some day, when I shall have attained serenity and peace, when the battle has been fought and lost, I will revisit my youth.  I have always loved passionately the disfigured hills and valleys of the Five Towns.  And as I think of Oldcastle Street, dropping away sleepily and respectably from the Town Hall of Bursley, with the gold angel holding a gold crown on its spire, I vibrate with an inexplicable emotion.  What is there in Oldcastle Street to disturb the dust of the soul?

I must tell you here that Diaz had gone to South America on a triumphal tour of concerts, lest I forget!  I read it in the paper.

So I arrived in London on a February day, about one o’clock.  And the hall-porter at the Golden Cross Hotel, and the two pale girls in the bureau of the hotel, were sympathetic and sweet to me, because I was young and alone, and in mourning, and because I had great rings round my eyes.  It was a fine day, blue and mild.  At half-past three I had nothing in the world to do.  I had come to London without a plan, without a purpose, with scarcely an introduction; I wished simply to plunge myself into its solitude, and to be alone with my secret fear.  I walked out into the street, slowly, like one whom ennui has taught to lose no chance of dissipating time.  I neither liked nor disliked London.  I had no feelings towards it save one of perplexity.  I thought it noisy, dirty, and hurried.  Its great name roused no thrill in my bosom.  On the morrow, I said, I would seek a lodging, and perhaps write to Ethel Ryley.  Meanwhile I strolled up into Trafalgar Square, and so into Charing Cross Road.  And in Charing Cross Road-it was the curst accident of fate-I saw the signboard of the celebrated old firm of publishers, Oakley and Dalbiac.  It is my intention to speak of my books as little as possible in this history.  I must, however, explain that six months before my aunt’s death I had already written my first novel, The Jest, and sent it to precisely Oakley and Dalbiac.  It was a wild welter of youthful extravagances, and it aimed to depict London society, of which I knew nothing whatever, with a flippant and cynical pen.  Oakley and Dalbiac had kept silence for several months, and had then stated, in an extremely formal epistle, that they thought the book might have some chance of success, and that they would be prepared to publish it on certain terms, but that I must not expect, etc.  By that time I had lost my original sublime faith in the exceeding excellence of my story, and I replied that I preferred to withdraw the book.  To this letter I had received no answer.  When I saw the famous sign over a doorway the impulse seized me to enter and get the manuscript, with the object of rewriting it.  Soon, I reflected, I might not be able to enter; the portals of mankind might be barred to me for a space....  I saw in a flash of insight that my salvation lay in work, and in nothing else.  I entered, resolutely.  A brougham was waiting at the doors.

After passing along counters furnished with ledgers and clerks, through a long, lofty room lined with great pigeon-holes containing thousands of books each wrapped separately in white paper, I was shown into what the clerk who acted as chamberlain called the office of the principal.  This room, too, was spacious, but so sombre that the electric light was already burning.  The first thing I noticed was that the window gave on a wall of white tiles.  In the middle of the somewhat dingy apartment was a vast, square table, and at this table sat a pale, tall man, whose youth astonished me-for the firm of Oakley and Dalbiac was historic.

He did not look up exactly at the instant of my entering, but when he did look up, when he saw me, he stared for an instant, and then sprang from his chair as though magically startled into activity.  His age was about thirty, and he had large, dark eyes, and a slight, dark moustache, and his face generally was interesting; he wore a dark gray suit.  I was nervous, but he was even more nervous; yet in the moment of looking up he had not seemed nervous.  He could not do enough, apparently, to make me feel at ease, and to show his appreciation of me and my work.  He spoke enthusiastically of The Jest, begging me neither to suppress it nor to alter it.  And, without the least suggestion from me, he offered me a considerable sum of money in advance of royalties.  At that time I scarcely knew what royalties were.  But although my ignorance of business was complete, I guessed that this man was behaving in a manner highly unusual among publishers.  He was also patently contradicting the tenor of his firm’s letter to me.  I thanked him, and said I should like, at any rate, to glance through the manuscript.

‘Don’t alter it, Miss Peel, I beg,’ he said.  ’It is “young,” I know; but it ought to be.  I remember my wife said-my wife reads many of our manuscripts-by the way-’ He went to a door, opened it, and called out, ‘Mary!’

A tall and slim woman, extremely elegant, appeared in reply to this appeal.  Her hair was gray above the ears, and I judged that she was four or five years older than the man.  She had a kind, thin face, with shining gray eyes, and she was wearing a hat.

’Mary, this is Miss Peel, the author of The Jest-you remember.  Miss Peel, my wife.’

The woman welcomed me with quick, sincere gestures.  Her smile was very pleasant, and yet a sad smile.  The husband also had an air of quiet, restrained, cheerful sadness.

‘My wife is frequently here in the afternoon like this,’ said the principal.

‘Yes,’ she laughed; ’it’s quite a family affair, and I’m almost on the staff.  I distinctly remember your manuscript, Miss Peel, and how very clever and amusing it was.’

Her praise was spontaneous and cordial, but it was a different thing from the praise of her husband.  He obviously noticed the difference.

‘I was just saying to Miss Peel-’ he began, with increased nervousness.

‘Pardon me,’ I interrupted.  ’But am I speaking to Mr. Oakley or Mr. Dalbiac?’

‘To neither,’ said he.  ’My name is Ispenlove, and I am the nephew of the late Mr. Dalbiac.  Mr. Oakley died thirty years ago.  I have no partner.’

‘You expected to see a very old gentleman, no doubt,’ Mrs. Ispenlove remarked.

‘Yes,’ I smiled.

‘People often do.  And Frank is so very young.  You live in London?’

‘No,’ I said; ‘I have just come up.’

‘To stay?’

‘To stay.’

‘Alone?’

’Yes.  My aunt died a few months ago.  I am all that is left of my family.’

Mrs. Ispenlove’s eyes filled with tears, and she fingered a gold chain that hung from her neck.

‘But have you got rooms-a house?’

‘I am at a hotel for the moment.’

‘But you have friends?’

I shook my head.  Mr. Ispenlove was glancing rapidly from one to the other of us.

‘My dear young lady!’ exclaimed his wife.  Then she hesitated, and said:  ’Excuse my abruptness, but do let me beg you to come and have tea with us this afternoon.  We live quite near-in Bloomsbury Square.  The carriage is waiting.  Frank, you can come?’

‘I can come for an hour,’ said Mr. Ispenlove.

I wanted very much to decline, but I could not.  I could not disappoint that honest and generous kindliness, with its touch of melancholy.  I could not refuse those shining gray eyes.  I saw that my situation and my youth had lacerated Mrs. Ispenlove’s sensitive heart, and that she wished to give it balm by being humane to me.

We seemed, so rapid was our passage, to be whisked on an Arabian carpet to a spacious drawing-room, richly furnished, with thick rugs and ample cushions and countless knicknacks and photographs and delicately-tinted lampshades.  There was a grand piano by Steinway, and on it Mendelssohn’s ‘Songs without Words.’  The fire slumbered in a curious grate that projected several feet into the room-such a contrivance I had never seen before.  Near it sat Mrs. Ispenlove, entrenched behind a vast copper disc on a low wicker stand, pouring out tea.  Mr. Ispenlove hovered about.  He and his wife called each other ‘dearest.’  ’Ring the bell for me, dearest.’  ‘Yes, dearest.’  I felt sure that they had no children.  They were very intimate, very kind, and always gently sad.  The atmosphere was charmingly domestic, even cosy, despite the size of the room-a most pleasing contrast to the offices which we had just left.  Mrs. Ispenlove told her husband to look after me well, and he devoted himself to me.

‘Do you know,’ said Mrs. Ispenlove, ’I am gradually recalling the details of your book, and you are not at all the sort of person that I should have expected to see.’

‘But that poor little book isn’t me,’ I answered.  ’I shall never write another like it.  I only-’

‘Shall you not?’ Mr. Ispenlove interjected.  ‘I hope you will, though.’

I smiled.

’I only did it to see what I could do.  I am going to begin something quite different.’

‘It appears to me,’ said Mrs. Ispenlove-’and I must again ask you to excuse my freedom, but I feel as if I had known you a long time-it appears to me that what you want immediately is a complete rest.’

‘Why do you say that?’ I demanded.

‘You do not look well.  You look exhausted and worn out.’

I blushed as she gazed at me.  Could she ?  No.  Those simple gray eyes could not imagine evil.  Nevertheless, I saw too plainly how foolish I had been.  I, with my secret fear, that was becoming less a fear than a dreadful certainty, to permit myself to venture into that house!  I might have to fly ignominiously before long, to practise elaborate falsehood, to disappear.

‘Perhaps you are right,’ I agreed.

The conversation grew fragmentary, and less and less formal.  Mrs. Ispenlove was the chief talker.  I remember she said that she was always being thrown among clever people, people who could do things, and that her own inability to do anything at all was getting to be an obsession with her; and that people like me could have no idea of the tortures of self-depreciation which she suffered.  Her voice was strangely wistful during this confession.  She also spoke-once only, and quite shortly, but with what naïve enthusiasm!-of the high mission and influence of the novelist who wrote purely and conscientiously.  After this, though my liking for her was undiminished, I had summed her up.  Mr. Ispenlove offered no commentary on his wife’s sentiments.  He struck me as being a reserved man, whose inner life was intense and sufficient to him.

‘Ah!’ I reflected, as Mrs. Ispenlove, with an almost motherly accent, urged me to have another cup of tea, ’if you knew me, if you knew me, what would you say to me?  Would your charity be strong enough to overcome your instincts?’ And as I had felt older than my aunt, so I felt older than Mrs. Ispenlove.

I left, but I had to promise to come again on the morrow, after I had seen Mr. Ispenlove on business.  The publisher took me down to my hotel in the brougham (and I thought of the drive with Diaz, but the water was not streaming down the windows), and then he returned to his office.

Without troubling to turn on the light in my bedroom, I sank sighing on to the bed.  The events of the afternoon had roused me from my terrible lethargy, but now it overcame me again.  I tried to think clearly about the Ispenloves and what the new acquaintance meant for me; but I could not think clearly.  I had not been able to think clearly for two months.  I wished only to die.  For a moment I meditated vaguely on suicide, but suicide seemed to involve an amount of complicated enterprise far beyond my capacity.  It amazed me how I had managed to reach London.  I must have come mechanically, in a heavy dream; for I had no hope, no energy, no vivacity, no interest.  For many weeks my mind had revolved round an awful possibility, as if hypnotized by it, and that monotonous revolution seemed alone to constitute my real life.  Moreover, I was subject to recurring nausea, and to disconcerting bodily pains and another symptom.

‘This must end!’ I said, struggling to my feet.

I summoned the courage of an absolute disgust.  I felt that the power which had triumphed over my dejection and my irresolution and brought me to London might carry me a little further.

Leaving the hotel, I crossed the Strand.  Innumerable omnibuses were crawling past.  I jumped into one at hazard, and the conductor put his arm behind my back to support me.  He was shouting, ‘Putney, Putney, Putney!’ in an absent-minded manner:  he had assisted me to mount without even looking at me.  I climbed to the top of the omnibus and sat down, and the omnibus moved off.  I knew not where I was going; Putney was nothing but a name to me.

‘Where to, lady?’ snapped the conductor, coming upstairs.

‘Oh, Putney,’ I answered.

A little bell rang and he gave me a ticket.  The omnibus was soon full.  A woman with a young child shared my seat.  But the population of the roof was always changing.  I alone remained-so it appeared to me.  And we moved interminably forward through the gas-lit and crowded streets, under the mild night.  Occasionally, when we came within the circle of an arc-lamp, I could see all my fellow-passengers very clearly; then they were nothing but dark, featureless masses.  The horses of the omnibus were changed.  A score of times the conductor came briskly upstairs, but he never looked at me again.  ‘I’ve done with you,’ his back seemed to say.

The houses stood up straight and sinister, thousands of houses unendingly succeeding each other.  Some were brilliantly illuminated; some were dark; and some had one or two windows lighted.  The phenomenon of a solitary window lighted, high up in a house, filled me with the sense of the tragic romance of London.  Why, I cannot tell.  But it did.  London grew to be almost unbearably mournful.  There were too many people in London.  Suffering was packed too close.  One can contemplate a single affliction with some equanimity, but a million griefs, calamities, frustrations, elbowing each other-No, no!  And in all that multitude of sadnesses I felt that mine was the worst.  My loneliness, my fear, my foolish youth, my inability to cope with circumstance, my appalling ignorance of the very things which I ought to know!  It was awful.  And yet even then, in that despairing certainty of disaster, I was conscious of the beauty of life, the beauty of life’s exceeding sorrow, and I hugged it to me, like a red-hot iron.

We crossed a great river by a great bridge-a mysterious and mighty stream; and then the streets closed in on us again.  And at last, after hours and hours, the omnibus swerved into a dark road and stopped-stopped finally.

‘Putney!’ cried the conductor, like fate.

I descended.  Far off, at the end of the vista of the dark road, I saw a red lamp.  I knew that in large cities a red lamp indicated a doctor:  it was the one useful thing that I did know.

I approached the red lamp, cautiously, on the other side of the street.  Then some power forced me to cross the street and open a wicket.  And in the red glow of the lamp I saw an ivory button which I pushed.  I could plainly hear the result; it made me tremble.  I had a narrow escape of running away.  The door was flung wide, and a middle-aged woman appeared in the bright light of the interior of the house.  She had a kind face.  It is astounding, the number of kind faces one meets.

‘Is the doctor in?’ I asked.

I would have given a year of my life to hear her say ‘No.’

‘Yes, miss,’ she said.  ‘Will you step in?’

Events seemed to be moving all too rapidly.

I passed into a narrow hall, with an empty hat-rack, and so into the surgery.  From the back of the house came the sound of a piano-scales, played very slowly.  The surgery was empty.  I noticed a card with letters of the alphabet printed on it in different sizes; and then the piano ceased, and there was the humming of an air in the passage, and a tall man in a frock-coat, slippered and spectacled, came into the surgery.

‘Good-evening, madam,’ he said gruffly.  ‘Won’t you sit down?’

‘I-I-I want to ask you-’

He put a chair for me, and I dropped into it.

‘There!’ he said, after a moment.  ’You felt as if you might faint, didn’t you?’

I nodded.  The tears came into my eyes.

‘I thought so,’ he said.  ’I’ll just give you a draught, if you don’t mind.’

He busied himself behind me, and presently I was drinking something out of a conical-shaped glass.

My heart beat furiously, but I felt strong.

‘I want you to tell me, doctor,’ I spoke firmly, ’whether I am about to become a mother.’

‘Ah?’ he answered interrogatively, and then he hummed a fragment of an air.

‘I have lost my husband,’ I was about to add; but suddenly I scorned such a weakness and shut my lips.

‘Since when-’ the doctor began.

‘No,’ I heard him saying.  ’You have been quite mistaken.  But I am not surprised.  Such mistakes are frequently made-a kind of auto-suggestion.’

‘Mistaken!’ I murmured.

I could not prevent the room running round me as I reclined on the sofa; and I fainted.

But in the night, safely in my room again at the hotel, I wondered whether that secret fear, now exorcised, had not also been a hope.  I wondered....