“What’s an expert witness?” asked Mr. Hennessy.

“An expert witness,” said Mr. Dooley, “is a doctor that thinks a man must be crazy to be rich. That’s thrue iv most iv us, but these doctors don’t mean it th’ way I do. Their theery is that annything th’ rich do that ye want to do an’ don’t do is looney. As between two men with money, th’ wan with most money is craziest. If ye want a diploma f’r sanity, Hinnissy, th’ on’y chance ye have iv gettin’ it is to commit a crime an’ file an invintory iv ye’er estate with th’ coort. Ye’ll get a certy-ficate iv sanity that ye’ll be able to show with pride whin ye’re let out iv Joliet.

“In th’ old days if a man kilt another man he took three jumps fr’m th’ scene iv th’ disaster to th’ north corrydor iv th’ County Jail. That still goes f’r th’ poor man. No wan has thried to rob him iv th’ privilege won f’r him be his ancestors iv bein’ quickly an’ completely hanged. A photygraph iv him is took without a collar, he’s yanked befure an awful coort iv justice, a deef-mute lawyer is appinted to look afther his inthrests an’ see that they don’t suffer be bein’ kept in th’ stuffy atmosphere iv th’ coortroom, th’ State’s attorney presints a handsome pitcher iv him as a fiend in human form, th’ judge insthructs th’ jury iv onprejudiced jurors in a hurry to get home that they ar-re th’ sole judges iv th’ law an’ th’ fact, th’ law bein’ that he ought to be hanged an’ th’ fact bein’ that he will be hanged, an’ befure our proletory frind comes out iv his thrance he’s havin’ his first thorough fill-up iv ham an’ eggs, an’ th’ clargy ar-re showin’ an amount iv inthrest in him that must be surprisin’ to a man iv his humble station.

“A few days later I r-read in th’ pa-apers in a column called ’Brief News Jottings,’ just below a paragraph about th’ meetin’ iv th’ Dairyman’s Assocyation, an account iv how justice has pursooed her grim coorse in th’ case iv John Adamowski. An’ I’m thankful to know that th’ law has been avinged, that life an’ property again ar-re safe in our fair land iv freedom, an’ that th’ wretched criminal lived long enough to get all he wanted to eat.

“Justice is all a poor criminal asks f’r, an’ that’s what he gets. He don’t desarve a anny betther. ‘Tis like askin’ on’y f’r a pair iv dooces in a car-d game an’ havin to bet thim. If I done wrong I’d say: ’Don’t deal me anny justice. Keep it f’r thim that wants it. Undher th’ circumstances all I ask is a gr-reat deal iv injustice an’ much mercy. I do not ask to be acquitted be a jury iv me peers. I am a modest man an’ I’ll accipt me freedom fr’m th’ humblest bailiff in th’ land. I do not care to come triumphant out iv this ordeel an’ repoort other cases f’r th’ newspa-apers. All I ask is a block’s start an’ some wan holdin’ th’ polisman’s coattails. I waive me right to be thried be an incorruptible, fair, an’ onprejudiced Judge. Give me wan that’s onfair an’ prejudiced an’ that ye can slip somethin’ to.

“No, sir, whin a man’s broke an’ does something wrong, th’ on’y temple iv justice he ought to get into is a freight car goin’ West. Don’t niver thrust that there tough-lookin’ lady with th’ soord in her hand an’ th’ handkerchief over her eyes. She may be blind, though I’ve seen thriles where she raised th’ bandage an’ winked at th’ aujence she may be blind, but ‘tis th’ fine sinse iv touch she has, an’ if ye vinture into her lodgins an’ she goes through ye’er pockets an’ finds on’y th’ pawnticket f’r th’ watch ye stole off Hogan, she locks th’ dure, takes off th’ handkerchief, an’ goes at ye with th’ soord.

“But suppose ye have a little iv th’ useful with ye. Ye br-reak into Hogan’s house some night sufferin’ fr’m an incontrollable impulse to take his watch. Don’t get mad, now. I’m on’y supposin’ all this. Ye wudden’t take his watch. He has no watch. Well, he’s sound asleep. Ye give him a good crack on th’ head so he won’t be disturbed, an’ hook th’ clock fr’m undher th’ pillow. Th’ next day ye’re arristed. Th’ pa-apers comes out with th’ news: ’Haughty sign iv wealthy fam’ly steals watch fr’m awful Hogan. Full account iv dhreadful career iv th’ victim. Unwritten law to be invoked,’ an’ there’s an article to show that anny wan has a right to take Hogan’s watch, that he was not a proper man to have th’ care iv a watch, annyhow, an’ that ye done well to hook it. This is always th’ first step to’rd securin’ cold justice f’r th’ rich. Ye’re next ilicted a mimber iv nearly all th’ ministers’ assocyations, an’ finally, in ordher that th’ law may be enfoorced without regard to persons, an expert witness is hired f’r ye.

“Th’ thrile begins. Ye walk in with a quick, nervous sthride an’ set th’ watch be th’ coort clock. ‘Ar-re ye guilty or not guilty?’ says th’ clerk. ‘Guilty an’ glad iv it,’ says ye’er lawyer amid cheers an’ hisses. ‘Have ye th’ watch with ye?’ says th’ coort. ‘I have,’ says th’ pris’ner, smilin’ in his peculiar way. ‘Lave me look at it,’ says th’ coort. ‘I will not,’ says the pris’ner, puttin’ it back into his pocket. ‘How ar-re ye goin’ to defind this crook?’ says th’ Judge. ’We ar-re goin’ to prove that at th’ time he committed this crime he was insane,’ says th’ lawyer. ‘I object,’ says th’ State’s attorney. ’It is not legal to inthrajooce evidence iv insanity till th’ proper foundations is established. Th’ defince must prove that th’ pris’ner has money. How do we know he isn’t broke like th’ rest iv us?’ Th’ coort: ’How much money have ye got?’ The pris’ner: ‘Two millyon dollars, but I expect more.’ Th’ coort: ‘Objection overruled.’

“Th’ expert is called. ‘Doctor, what expeeryence have ye had among th’ head cures?’ ‘I have been f’r forty years in an asylum.’ ’As guest or landlord?’ ‘As both.’ ’Now, doctor, I will ask you a question. Supposin’ this pris’ner to be a man with a whole lot iv money, an’ supposin’ he wint to this house on th’ night in question, an’ suppose it was snowin’, an’ suppose it wasn’t, an’ suppose he turned fr’m th’ right hand corner to th’ left goin’ upstairs, an’ supposin’ he wore a plug hat an’ a pair iv skates, an’ supposin’ th’ next day was Winsday ’ ’I objict,’ says th’ State’s attorney. ‘Th’ statues, with which me larned frind is no doubt familiar, though I be darned if he shows it, f’rbids th’ mention iv th’ days iv th’ week.’ ‘Scratch out Winsday an’ substichoot four o’clock in Janooary,’ says th’ coort. ’Now, how does th’ sentence r-read?’ ‘Th’ next day was four o’clock in Janooary an’ supposin’ th’ amount iv money, an’ supposin’ ye haven’t got a very large salary holdin’ th’ chair iv conniption fits at th’ college, an’ supposin’ ye don’t get a cent onless ye answer r-right, I ask ye, on th’ night in question whin th’ pris’ner grabbed th’ clock, was he or was he not funny at th’ roof?’ ‘I objict to th’ form iv question,’ says th’ State’s attorney. ‘In th’ eighth sintince I move to sthrike out th’ wurrud and as unconstitutional, unprofissyonal, an’ conthry to th’ laws iv evidence.’ ‘My Gawd, has my clint no rights in this coort?’ says th’ other lawyer. ‘Ye bet he has,’ says th’ coort. ’We’ll sthrike out th’ wurrud and but well substichoot th’ more proper wurrud “aloofness.”

“‘Did ye see th’ pris’ner afther his arrest?’ ‘I did.’ ‘Where?’ ‘In th’ pa-apers.’ ‘What was he doin’?’ ‘His back was tur-rned.’ ’What did that indicate to ye?’ ‘That he had been sufferin’ fr’m a variety iv tomaine excelsis ’ ‘Greek wurruds,’ says th’ coort. ‘Latin an’ Greek,’ says th’ expert. ‘Pro-ceed,’ says th’ coort. ‘I come to th’ conclusion,’ says th’ expert, ‘that th’ man, when he hooked th’ watch, was sufferin’ fr’m a sudden tempest in his head, a sudden explosion as it were, a sudden I don’t know-what-th’-divvle-it-was, that kind iv wint off in his chimbley, like a storm at sea.’ ‘Was he in anny way bug befure th’ crime?’ ’Not a bit. He suffered fr’m warts whin a boy, which sometimes leads to bozimbral hoptocollographophiloplutomania, or what th’ Germans call tantrums, but me gin’ral con-clusion was that he was perfectly sane all his life till this minnyit, an’ that so much sanity wint to his head an’ blew th’ cover off.’

“‘Has he been sane iver since?’ says the lawyer. ’Ye’d betther have a care how ye answer that question, me boy,’ says th’ pris’ner, carelessly jingling th’ loose change in his pocket. ‘Sane?’ says th’ expert. ’Well, I shud think he was. Why, I can hardly imagine how he stayed feather-headed long enough to take th’ villan’s joolry. Sane, says ye? I don’t mean anny disrespect to th’ coort or th’ bar, but if ye gintlemen had half as much good brains in ye’er head as he has, ye’d not be wastin’ ye’er time here. There ain’t a man in this counthry th’ akel iv this gr-reat man. Talk about Dan’l Webster, he was an idyut compared with this joynt intelleck. No, sir, he’s a fine, thoughtful, able, magnificent specimen iv man an’ has been iver since between twelve four an’ twelve four-an’-a-half on that fatal night. An’ a good fellow at that.’

“‘What d’ye propose to do to stand this here testymony off?’ says th’ Judge. ‘I propose,’ says th’ State’s attorney, ’to prove be some rale experts, men who have earned their repytations be testifyin’ eight ways fr’m th’ jack in a dozen criminal cases, that so far fr’m bein’ insane on this particklar night, this was th’ on’y time that he was perfeckly sane.’ ‘Oh, look here, Judge,’ says Bedalia Sassyfrass iv Th’ Daily Fluff, ‘this here has gone far enough. Th’ man’s not guilty, an’ if ye don’t want a few remarks printed about ye, that’ll do ye no good, ye’ll let him off.’ ‘Don’t pay anny attintion to what she says, Fitzy,’ says another lady. ’Her decayed newspa-aper has no more circulation thin a cucumber. We expict ye to follow th’ insthructions printed in our vallyable journal this mornin’.’

“‘Sir,’ says a tall man, risin’ in his place, ‘I am th’ Riv’rend Thompson Jubb.’ ‘Not th’ notoryous shepherd iv that name?’ ‘Th’ same,’ says th’ Riv’rend Jubb. ‘That lowly worker in th’ vineyard iv th’ Lord who astonished th’ wurruld be atin’ glass in th’ pulpit an’ havin’ th’ Bible tattooed on him. I wish th’ privilege iv standin’ on me head an’ playin’ “A charge to keep I have” on the accorjeen with me feet. ‘Granted,’ says th’ coort. ‘I will now charge th’ jury as to th’ law an’ th’ fact: I am all mixed up on th’ law; th’ fact is there’s a mob outside waitin’ to lynch ye if ye don’t do what it wants. Th’ coort will now adjourn be th’ back dure.’ ‘Where’s th’ pris’ner?’ says th’ expert. ‘He has gone to addhress a mothers’ meetin’,’ says th’ clerk. ’Thin I must be goin’ too,’ says th’ expert. An’ there ye ar-re.”

“I’m glad that fellow got me off”, said Mr. Hennessy, “but thim experts ar-re a bad lot. What’s th’ difference between that kind iv tistymony an’ perjury?”

“Ye pay ye’er money an’ take ye’er choice”, said Mr. Dooley.