Se

I did not see Lady Mary Justin for nearly seven months after my return to England.  Of course I had known that a meeting was inevitable, and I had taken that very carefully into consideration before I decided to leave South Africa.  But many things had happened to me during those crowded years, so that it seemed possible that that former magic would no longer sway and distress me.  Not only had new imaginative interests taken hold of me but-I had parted from adolescence.  I was a man.  I had been through a great war, seen death abundantly, seen hardship and passion, and known hunger and shame and desire.  A hundred disillusioning revelations of the quality of life had come to me; once for example when we were taking some people to the concentration camps it had been necessary to assist at the premature birth of a child by the wayside, a startlingly gory and agonizing business for a young man to deal with.  Heavens! how it shocked me!  I could give a score of such grim pictures-and queer pictures....

And it wasn’t only the earthlier aspects of the life about me but also of the life within me that I had been discovering.  The first wonder and innocence, the worshipping, dawn-clear passion of youth, had gone out of me for ever....

Se

We met at a dinner.  It was at a house the Tarvrilles had taken for the season in Mayfair.  The drawing-room was a big white square apartment with several big pictures and a pane of plate glass above the fireplace in the position in which one usually finds a mirror; this showed another room beyond, containing an exceptionally large, gloriously colored portrait in pastel-larger than I had ever thought pastels could be.  Except for the pictures both rooms were almost colorless.  It was a brilliant dinner, with a predominating note of ruby; three of the women wore ruby velvet; and Ellersley was present just back from Arabia, and Ethel Manton, Lady Hendon and the Duchess of Clynes.  I was greeted by Lady Tarvrille, spoke to Ellersley and Lady Hendon, and then discovered a lady in a dress of blue and pearls standing quite still under a picture in the opposite corner of the room and regarding me attentively.  It was Mary.  Some man was beside her, a tall grey man with a broad crimson ribbon, and I think he must have spoken of me to her.  It was as if she had just turned to look at me.

Constantly during those intervening months I had been thinking of meeting her.  None the less there was a shock, not so much of surprise as of deferred anticipation.  There she stood like something amazingly forgotten that was now amazingly recalled.  She struck me in that brief crowded instant of recognition as being exactly the person she had been when we had made love in Burnmore Park; there were her eyes, at once frank and sidelong, the old familiar sweep of her hair, the old familiar tilt of the chin, the faint humor of her lip, and at the same time she seemed to be something altogether different from the memories I had cherished, she was something graver, something inherently more splendid than they had recorded.  Her face lit now with recognition.

I went across to her at once, with some dull obviousness upon my lips.

“And so you are back from Africa at last,” she said, still unsmiling.  “I saw about you in the papers....  You had a good time.”

“I had great good luck,” I replied.

“I never dreamt when we were boy and girl together that you would make a soldier.”

I think I said that luck made soldiers.

Then I think we found a difficulty in going on with our talk, and began a dull little argument that would have been stupidly egotistical on my part if it hadn’t been so obviously merely clumsy, about luck making soldiers or only finding them out.  I saw that she had not intended to convey any doubt of my military capacity but only of that natural insensitiveness which is supposed to be needed in a soldier.  But our minds were remote from the words upon our lips.  We were like aphasiacs who say one thing while they intend something altogether different.  The impulse that had brought me across to her had brought me up to a wall of impossible utterances.  It was with a real quality of rescue that our hostess came between us to tell us our partners at the dinner-table, and to introduce me to mine.  “You shall have him again on your other side,” she said to Lady Mary with a charming smile for me, treating me as if I was a lion in request instead of the mere outsider I was.

We talked very little at dinner.  Both of us I think were quite unequal to the occasion.  Whatever meetings we had imagined, certainly neither of us had thought of this very possible encounter, a long disconcerting hour side by side.  I began to remember old happenings with an astonishing vividness; there within six inches of me was the hand I had kissed; her voice was the same to its lightest shade, her hair flowed off her forehead with the same amazingly familiar wave.  Was she too remembering?  But I perhaps had changed altogether....

“Why did you go away as you did?” she asked abruptly, when for a moment we were isolated conversationally.  “Why did you never write?”

She had still that phantom lisp.

“What else could I do?”

She turned away from me and answered the man on her left, who had just addressed her....

When the mid-dinner change came we talked a little about indifferent things, making a stiff conversation like a bridge over a torrent of unspoken intimacies.  We discussed something; I think Lady Tarvrille’s flowers and the Cape Flora and gardens.  She told me she had a Japanese garden with three Japanese gardeners.  They were wonderful little men to watch.  “Humming-bird gardeners,” she called them.  “They wear their native costume.”

“We are your neighbors in Surrey,” she said, going off abruptly from that.  “We are quite near to your father.”

She paused with that characteristic effect of deliberation in her closed lips.  Then she added:  “I can see the trees behind your father’s house from the window of my room.”

“Yes,” I said.  “You take all our southward skyline.”

She turned her face to me with the manner of a great lady adding a new acquaintance to her collection.  But her eyes met mine very steadily and intimately.  “Mr. Stratton,” she said-it was the first time in her life she had called me that-“when we come back to Surrey I want you to come and see me and tell me of all the things you are going to do.  Will you?”

Se

That meeting, that revival, must have been late in November or early in December.  Already by that time I had met your mother.  I write to you, little son, not to you as you are now, but to the man you are someday to be.  I write to understand myself, and, so far as I can understand, to make you understand.  So that I want you to go back with me for a time into the days before your birth, to think not of that dear spirit of love who broods over you three children, that wise, sure mother who rules your life, but of a young and slender girl, Rachel More, younger then than you will be when at last this story comes into your hands.  For unless you think of her as being a girl, if you let your present knowledge of her fill out this part in our story, you will fail to understand the proportions of these two in my life.  So I shall write of her here as Rachel More, as if she were someone as completely dissociated from yourself as Lady Mary; as if she were someone in the story of my life who had as little to do with yours.

I had met her in September.  The house my father lived in is about twelve miles away from your mother’s home at Ridinghanger, and I was taken over by Percy Restall in his motor-car.  Restall had just become a convert to this new mode of locomotion, and he was very active with a huge, malignant-looking French car that opened behind, and had a kind of poke bonnet and all sorts of features that have since disappeared from the automobile world.  He took everyone that he could lay hands upon for rides,-he called it extending their range, and he called upon everyone else to show off the car; he was responsible for more introduction and social admixture in that part of Surrey than had occurred during the previous century.  We punctured in the Ridinghanger drive, Restall did his own repairs, and so it was we stayed for nearly four hours and instead of a mere caller I became a familiar friend of the family.

Your mother then was still not eighteen, a soft white slip of being, tall, slender, brown-haired and silent, with very still deep dark eyes.  She and your three aunts formed a very gracious group of young women indeed; Alice then as now the most assertive, with a gay initiative and a fluent tongue; Molly already a sun-brown gipsy, and Norah still a pig-tailed thing of lank legs and wild embraces and the pinkest of swift pink blushes; your uncle Sidney, with his shy lank moodiness, acted the brotherly part of a foil.  There were several stray visitors, young men and maidens, there were always stray visitors in those days at Ridinghanger, and your grandmother, rosy and bright-eyed, maintained a gentle flow of creature comforts and kindly but humorous observations.  I do not remember your grandfather on this occasion; probably he wasn’t there.

There was tea, and we played tennis and walked about and occasionally visited Restall, who was getting dirtier and dirtier, and crosser and crosser at his repairs, and spreading a continually more remarkable assemblage of parts and instruments over the grass about him.  He looked at last more like a pitch in the Caledonian market than a decent country gentleman paying an afternoon call.  And then back to more tennis and more talk.  We fell into a discussion of Tariff Reform as we sat taking tea.  Two of the visitor youths were strongly infected by the new teachings which were overshadowing the outlook of British Imperialism.  Some mean phrase about not conquering Africa for the German bagman, some ugly turn of thought that at a touch brought down Empire to the level of a tradesman’s advantage, fell from one of them, and stirred me to sudden indignation.  I began to talk of things that had been gathering in my mind for some time.

I do not know what I said.  It was in the vein of my father’s talk no doubt.  But I think that for once I may have been eloquent.  And in the midst of my demand for ideals in politics that were wider and deeper than artful buying and selling, that looked beyond a vulgar aggression and a churl’s dread and hatred of foreign things, while I struggled to say how great and noble a thing empire might be, I saw Rachel’s face.  This, it was manifest, was a new kind of talk to her.  Her dark eyes were alight with a beautiful enthusiasm for what I was trying to say, and for what in the light of that glowing reception I seemed to be.

I felt that queer shame one feels when one is taken suddenly at the full value of one’s utmost expressions.  I felt as though I had cheated her, was passing myself off for something as great and splendid as the Empire of my dreams.  It is hard to dissociate oneself from the fine things to which one aspires.  I stopped almost abruptly.  Dumbly her eyes bade me go on, but when I spoke again it was at a lower level....

That look in Rachel’s eyes remained with me.  My mind had flashed very rapidly from the realization of its significance to the thought that if one could be sure of that, then indeed one could pitch oneself high.  Rachel, I felt, had something for me that I needed profoundly, without ever having known before that I needed it.  She had the supreme gifts of belief and devotion; in that instant’s gleam it seemed she held them out to me.

Never before in my life had it seemed credible to me that anyone could give me that, or that I could hope for such a gift of support and sacrifice.  Love as I had known it had been a community and an alliance, a frank abundant meeting; but this was another kind of love that shone for an instant and promised, and vanished shyly out of sight as I and Rachel looked at one another.

Some interruption occurred.  Restall came, I think, blackened by progress, to drink a cup of tea and negotiate the loan of a kitchen skewer.  A kitchen skewer it appeared was all that was needed to complete his reconstruction in the avenue.  Norah darted off for a kitchen skewer, while Restall drank.  And then there was a drift to tennis, and Rachel and I were partners.  All this time I was in a state of startled attention towards her, full of this astounding impression that something wonderful and unprecedented had flowed out from her towards my life, full too of doubts now whether that shining response had ever occurred, whether some trick of light and my brain had not deceived me.  I wanted tremendously to talk to her, and did not know how to begin in any serious fashion.  Beyond everything I wanted to see again that deep onset of belief....

“Come again,” said your grandmother to me, “come again!” after she had tried in vain to make Restall stay for an informal supper.  I was all for staying, but Restall said darkly, “There are the Lamps.”

“But they will be all right,” said Mrs. More.

“I can’t trust ’em,” said Restall, with a deepening gloom.  “Not after that.”  The motor-car looked self-conscious and uncomfortable, but said nothing by way of excuse, and Restall took me off in it like one whose sun has set for ever.  “I wouldn’t be surprised,” said Restall as we went down the drive, “if the damned thing turned a somersault.  It might do-anything.”  Those were the brighter days of motoring.

The next time I went over released from Restall’s limitations, and stayed to a jolly family supper.  I found remarkably few obstacles in my way to a better acquaintance with Rachel.  You see I was an entirely eligible and desirable young man in Mrs. More’s eyes....

Se

When I recall these long past emotions again, I am struck by the profound essential difference between my feelings for your mother and for Mary.  They were so different that it seems scarcely rational to me that they should be called by the same name.  Yet each was love, profoundly deep and sincere.  The contrast lies, I think, in our relative ages, and our relative maturity; that altered the quality of all our emotions.  The one was the love of a man of six-and-twenty, exceptionally seasoned and experienced and responsible for his years, for a girl still at school, a girl attractively beautiful, mysterious and unknown to him; the other was the love of coevals, who had been playmates and intimate companions, and of whom the woman was certainly as capable and wilful as the man.

Now it is exceptional for men to love women of their own age, it is the commoner thing that they should love maidens younger and often much younger than themselves.  This is true more particularly of our own class; the masculine thirties and forties marry the feminine twenties, all the prevailing sentiment and usage between the sexes rises naturally out of that.  We treat this seniority as though it were a virile characteristic; we treat the man as though he were a natural senior, we expect a weakness, a timid deference, in the girl.  I and Mary had loved one another as two rivers run together on the way to the sea, we had grown up side by side to the moment when we kissed; but I sought your mother, I watched her and desired her and chose her, very tenderly and worshipfully indeed, to be mine.  I do not remember that there was any corresponding intention in my mind to be hers.  I do not think that that idea came in at all.  She was something to be won, something playing an inferior and retreating part.  And I was artificial in all my attitudes to her, I thought of what would interest her, what would please her, I knew from the outset that what she saw in me to rouse that deep, shy glow of exaltation in her face was illusion, illusion it was my business to sustain.  And so I won her, and long years had to pass, years of secret loneliness and hidden feelings, of preposterous pretences and covert perplexities, before we escaped from that crippling tradition of inequality and looked into one another’s eyes with understanding and forgiveness, a woman and a man.

I made no great secret of the interest and attraction I found in Rachel, and the Mores made none of their entire approval of me.  I walked over on the second occasion, and Ridinghanger opened out, a great flower of genial appreciation that I came alone, hiding nothing of its dawning perception that it was Rachel in particular I came to see.

Your grandmother’s match-making was as honest as the day.  There was the same salad of family and visitors as on the former afternoon, and this time I met Freshman, who was destined to marry Alice; there was tea, tennis, and, by your grandmother’s suggestion, a walk to see the sunset from the crest of the hill.  Rachel and I walked across the breezy moorland together, while I talked and tempted her to talk.

What, I wonder, did we talk about?  English scenery, I think, and African scenery and the Weald about us, and the long history of the Weald and its present and future, and at last even a little of politics.  I had never explored the mind of a girl of seventeen before; there was a surprise in all she knew and a delight in all she didn’t know, and about herself a candor, a fresh simplicity of outlook that was sweeter than the clear air about us, sweeter than sunshine or the rising song of a lark.  She believed so gallantly and beautifully, she was so perfectly, unaffectedly and certainly prepared to be a brave and noble person-if only life would let her.  And she hadn’t as yet any suspicion that life might make that difficult....

I went to Ridinghanger a number of times in the spring and early summer.  I talked a great deal with Rachel, and still I did not make love to her.  It was always in my mind that I would make love to her, the heavens and earth and all her family were propitious, glowing golden with consent and approval, I thought she was the most wonderful and beautiful thing in life, and her eyes, the intonation of her voice, her hurrying color and a hundred little involuntary signs told me how she quickened at my coming.  But there was a shyness.  I loved her as one loves and admires a white flower or a beautiful child-some stranger’s child.  I felt that I might make her afraid of me.  I had never before thought that to make love is a coarse thing.  But still at high summer when I met Mary again no definite thing had been said between myself and Rachel.  But we knew, each of us knew, that somewhere in a world less palpable, in fairyland, in dreamland, we had met and made our vows.

Se

You see how far my imagination had gone towards readjustment when Mary returned into my life.  You see how strange and distant it was to meet her again, changed completely into the great lady she had intended to be, speaking to me with the restrained and practised charm of a woman who is young and beautiful and prominent and powerful and secure.  There was no immediate sense of shock in that resumption of our broken intercourse, it seemed to me that night simply that something odd and curious had occurred.  I do not remember how we parted that evening or whether we even saw each other after dinner was over, but from that hour forth Mary by insensible degrees resumed her old predominance in my mind.  I woke up in the night and thought about her, and next day I found myself thinking of her, remembering things out of the past and recalling and examining every detail of the overnight encounter.  How cold and ineffective we had been, both of us!  We had been like people resuming a disused and partially forgotten language.  Had she changed towards me?  Did she indeed want to see me again or was that invitation a mere demonstration of how entirely unimportant seeing me or not seeing me had become?

Then I would find myself thinking with the utmost particularity of her face.  Had it changed at all?  Was it altogether changed?  I seemed to have forgotten everything and remembered everything; that peculiar slight thickness of her eyelids that gave her eyes their tenderness, that light firmness of her lips.  Of course she would want to talk to me, as now I perceived I wanted to talk to her.

Was I in love with her still?  It seemed to me then that I was not.  It had not been that hesitating fierceness, that pride and demand and doubt, which is passionate love, that had made all my sensations strange to me as I sat beside her.  It had been something larger and finer, something great and embracing, a return to fellowship.  Here beside me, veiled from me only by our transient embarrassment and the tarnish of separation and silences, was the one person who had ever broken down the crust of shy insincerity which is so incurably my characteristic and talked intimately of the inmost things of life to me.  I discovered now for the first time how intense had been my loneliness for the past five years.  I discovered now that through all those years I had been hungry for such talk as Mary alone could give me.  My mind was filled with talk, filled with things I desired to say to her; that chaos began to take on a multitudinous expression at the touch of her spirit.  I began to imagine conversations with her, to prepare reports for her of those new worlds of sensation and activity I had discovered since that boyish parting.

But when at last that talk came it was altogether different from any of those I had invented.

She wrote to me when she came down into Surrey and I walked over to Martens the next afternoon.  I found her in her own sitting-room, a beautiful characteristic apartment with tall French windows hung with blue curtains, a large writing-desk and a great litter of books.  The room gave upon a broad sunlit terrace with a balustrading of yellowish stone, on which there stood great oleanders.  Beyond was a flower garden and then the dark shadows of cypresses.  She was standing as I came in to her, as though she had seen me coming across the lawns and had been awaiting my entrance.  “I thought you might come to-day,” she said, and told the manservant to deny her to other callers.  Again she produced that queer effect of being at once altogether the same and altogether different from the Mary I had known.  “Justin,” she said, “is in Paris.  He comes back on Friday.”  I saw then that the change lay in her bearing, that for the easy confidence of the girl she had now the deliberate dignity and control of a married woman-a very splendidly and spaciously married woman.  Her manner had been purged of impulse.  Since we had met she had stood, the mistress of great houses, and had dealt with thousands of people.

“You walked over to me?”

“I walked,” I said.  “It is nearly a straight path.  You know it?”

“You came over the heather beyond our pine wood,” she confirmed.  And then I think we talked some polite unrealities about Surrey scenery and the weather.  It was so formal that by a common impulse we let the topic suddenly die.  We stood through a pause, a hesitation.  Were we indeed to go on at that altitude of cold civility?  She turned to the window as if the view was to serve again.

“Sit down,” she said and dropped into a chair against the light, looking away from me across the wide green space of afternoon sunshine.  I sat down on a little sofa, at a loss also.

“And so,” she said, turning her face to me suddenly, “you come back into my life.”  And I was amazed to see that the brightness of her eyes was tears.  “We’ve lived-five years.”

“You,” I said clumsily, “have done all sorts of things.  I hear of you-patronizing young artists-organizing experiments in village education.”

“Yes,” she said, “I’ve done all sorts of things.  One has to.  Forced, unreal things for the most part.  You I expect have done-all sorts of things also....  But yours have been real things....”

“All things,” I remarked sententiously, “are real.  And all of them a little unreal.  South Africa has been wonderful.  And now it is all over one doubts if it really happened.  Like that incredulous mood after a storm of passion.”

“You’ve come back for good?”

“For good.  I want to do things in England.”

“Politics?”

“If I can get into that.”

Again a pause.  There came the characteristic moment of deliberation that
I remembered so well.

“I never meant you,” she said, “to go away....  You could have written. 
You never answered the notes I sent.”

“I was frantic,” I said, “with loss and jealousy.  I wanted to forget.”

“And you forgot?”

“I did my best.”

“I did my best,” said Mary.  “And now - Have you forgotten?”

“Nothing.”

“Nor I. I thought I had.  Until I saw you again.  I’ve thought of you endlessly.  I’ve wanted to talk to you.  We had a way of talking together.  But you went away.  You turned your back as though all that was nothing-not worth having.  You-you drove home my marriage, Stephen.  You made me know what a thing of sex a woman is to a man-and how little else....”

She paused.

“You see,” I said slowly.  “You had made me, as people say, in love with you....  I don’t know-if you remember everything....”

She looked me in the eyes for a moment.

“I hadn’t been fair,” she said with an abrupt abandonment of accusation.  “But you know, Stephen, that night - I meant to explain.  And afterwards....  Things sometimes go as one hasn’t expected them to go, even the things one has planned to say.  I suppose-I treated you-disgustingly.”

I protested.

“Yes,” she said.  “I treated you as I did-and I thought you would stand it.  I knew, I knew then as well as you do now that male to my female you wouldn’t stand it, but somehow-I thought there were other things.  Things that could override that....”

“Not,” I said, “for a boy of one-and-twenty.”

“But in a man of twenty-six?”

I weighed the question.  “Things are different,” I said, and then, “Yes.  Anyhow now-if I may come back penitent,-to a friendship.”

We looked at one another gravely.  Faintly in our ears sounded the music of past and distant things.  We pretended to hear nothing of that, tried honestly to hear nothing of it.  I had not remembered how steadfast and quiet her face could be.  “Yes,” she said, “a friendship.”

“I’ve always had you in my mind, Stephen,” she said.  “When I saw I couldn’t marry you, it seemed to me I had better marry and be free of any further hope.  I thought we could get over that.  ‘Let’s get it over,’ I thought.  Now-at any rate-we have got over that.”  Her eyes verified her words a little doubtfully.  “And we can talk and you can tell me of your life, and the things you want to do that make life worth living.  Oh! life has been stupid without you, Stephen, large and expensive and aimless....Tell me of your politics.  They say-Justin told me-you think of parliament?”

“I want to do that.  I have been thinking - In fact I am going to stand.”  I found myself hesitating on the verge of phrases in the quality of a review article.  It was too unreal for her presence.  And yet it was this she seemed to want from me.  “This,” I said, “is a phase of great opportunities.  The war has stirred the Empire to a sense of itself, to a sense of what it might be.  Of course this Tariff Reform row is a squalid nuisance; it may kill out all the fine spirit again before anything is done.  Everything will become a haggle, a chaffering of figures....  All the more reason why we should try and save things from the commercial traveller.  If the Empire is anything at all, it is something infinitely more than a combination in restraint of trade....”

“Yes,” she said.  “And you want to take that line.  The high line.”

“If one does not take the high line,” I said, “what does one go into politics for?”

“Stephen,” she smiled, “you haven’t lost a sort of simplicity - People go into politics because it looks important, because other people go into politics, because they can get titles and a sense of influence and-other things.  And then there are quarrels, old grudges to serve.”

“These are roughnesses of the surface.”

“Old Stephen!” she cried with the note of a mother.  “They will worry you in politics.”

I laughed.  “Perhaps I’m not altogether so simple.”

“Oh! you’ll get through.  You have a way of going on.  But I shall have to watch over you.  I see I shall have to watch over you.  Tell me of the things you mean to do.  Where are you standing?”

I began to tell her a little disjointedly of the probabilities of my Yorkshire constituency....

Se

I have a vivid vignette in my memory of my return to my father’s house, down through the pine woods and by the winding path across the deep valley that separated our two ridges.  I was thinking of Mary and nothing but Mary in all the world and of the friendly sweetness of her eyes and the clean strong sharpness of her voice.  That sweet white figure of Rachel that had been creeping to an ascendancy in my imagination was moonlight to her sunrise.  I knew it was Mary I loved and had always loved.  I wanted passionately to be as she desired, the friend she demanded, that intimate brother and confederate, but all my heart cried out for her, cried out for her altogether.

I would be her friend, I repeated to myself, I would be her friend.  I would talk to her often, plan with her, work with her.  I could put my meanings into her life and she should throw her beauty over mine.  I began already to dream of the talk of to-morrow’s meeting....

Se

And now let me go on to tell at once the thing that changed life for both of us altogether, that turned us out of the courses that seemed set for us, our spacious, successful and divergent ways, she to the tragedy of her death and I from all the prospects of the public career that lay before me to the work that now, toilsomely, inadequately and blunderingly enough, I do.  It was to pierce and slash away the appearances of life for me, it was to open my way to infinite disillusionment, and unsuspected truths.  Within a few weeks of our second meeting Mary and I were passionately in love with one another; we had indeed become lovers.  The arrested attractions of our former love released again, drew us inevitably to that.  We tried to seem outwardly only friends, with this hot glow between us.  Our tormented secret was half discovered and half betrayed itself.  There followed a tragi-comedy of hesitations and disunited struggle.  Within four months the crisis of our two lives was past....

It is not within my purpose to tell you, my son, of the particular events, the particular comings and goings, the chance words, the chance meetings, the fatal momentary misunderstandings that occurred between us.  I want to tell of something more general than that.  This misadventure is in our strain.  It is our inheritance.  It is a possibility in the inheritance of all honest and emotional men and women.  There are no doubt people altogether cynical and adventurous to whom these passions and desires are at once controllable and permissible indulgences without any radiation of consequences, a secret and detachable part of life, and there may be people of convictions so strong and simple that these disturbances are eliminated, but we Strattons are of a quality neither so low nor so high, we stoop and rise, we are not convinced about our standards, and for many generations to come, with us and with such people as the Christians, and indeed with most of our sort of people, we shall be equally desirous of free and intimate friendship and prone to blaze into passion and disaster at that proximity.

This is one of the essential riddles in the adaptation of such human beings as ourselves to that greater civilized state of which I dream.  It is the gist of my story.  It is one of the two essential riddles that confront our kind.  The servitude of sex and the servitude of labor are the twin conditions upon which human society rests to-day, the two limitations upon its progress towards a greater social order, to that greater community, those uplands of light and happy freedom, towards which that Being who was my father yesterday, who thinks in myself to-day, and who will be you to-morrow and your sons after you, by his very nature urges and must continue to urge the life of mankind.  The story of myself and Mary is a mere incident in that gigantic, scarce conscious effort to get clear of toils and confusions and encumbrances, and have our way with life.  We are like little figures, dots ascendant upon a vast hillside; I take up our intimacy for an instant and hold it under a lens for you.  I become more than myself then, and Mary stands for innumerable women.  It happened yesterday, and it is just a part of that same history that made Edmond Stratton of the Hays elope with Charlotte Anstruther and get himself run through the body at Haddington two hundred years ago, which drove the Laidlaw-Christians to Virginia in ’45, gave Stratton Street to the moneylenders when George IV. was Regent, and broke the heart of Margaret Stratton in the days when Charles the First was king.  With our individual variations and under changed conditions the old desires and impulses stirred us, the old antagonisms confronted us, the old difficulties and sloughs and impassable places baffled us.  There are times when I think of my history among all those widespread repeated histories, until it seems to me that the human Lover is like a creature who struggles for ever through a thicket without an end....

There are no universal laws of affection and desire, but it is manifestly true that for the most of us free talk, intimate association, and any real fellowship between men and women turns with an extreme readiness to love.  And that being so it follows that under existing conditions the unrestricted meeting and companionship of men and women in society is a monstrous sham, a merely dangerous pretence of encounters.  The safe reality beneath those liberal appearances is that a woman must be content with the easy friendship of other women and of one man only, letting a superficial friendship towards all other men veil impassable abysses of separation, and a man must in the same way have one sole woman intimate.  To all other women he must be a little blind, a little deaf, politely inattentive.  He must respect the transparent, intangible, tacit purdah about them, respect it but never allude to it.  To me that is an intolerable state of affairs, but it is reality.  If you live in the spirit of any other understanding you will court social disaster.  I suppose it is a particularly intolerable state of affairs to us Strattons because it is in our nature to want things to seem what they are.  That translucent yet impassible purdah outrages our veracity.  And it is plain to me that our social order cannot stand and is not standing the tensions it creates.  The convention that passions and emotions are absent when they are palpably present broke down between Mary and myself, as it breaks down in a thousand other cases, as it breaks down everywhere.  Our social life is honeycombed and rotten with secret hidden relationships.  The rigid, the obtuse and the unscrupulously cunning escape; the honest passion sooner or later flares out and destroys....  Here is a difficulty that no bullying imposition of arbitrary rules on the one hand nor any reckless abandonment of law on the other, can solve.  Humanity has yet to find its method in sexual things; it has to discover the use and the limitation of jealousy.  And before it can even begin to attempt to find, it has to cease its present timid secret groping in shame and darkness and turn on the light of knowledge.  None of us knows much and most of us do not even know what is known.

Se

The house is very quiet to-day.  It is your mother’s birthday, and you three children have gone with her and Mademoiselle Potin into the forest to celebrate the occasion.  Presently I shall join you.  The sunlit garden, with its tall dreaming lilies against the trellised vines upon the wall, the cedars and the grassy space about the sundial, have that distinguished stillness, that definite, palpable and almost outlined emptiness which is so to speak your negative presence.  It is like a sheet of sunlit colored paper out of which your figures have been cut.  There is a commotion of birds in the jasmine, and your Barker reclines with an infinite tranquillity, a masterless dog, upon the lawn.  I take up this writing again after an interval of some weeks.  I have been in Paris, attending the Sabotage Conference, and dealing with those intricate puzzles of justice and discipline and the secret sources of contentment that have to be solved if sabotage is ever to vanish from labor struggles again.  I think a few points have been made clearer in that curious riddle of reconciliations....

Now I resume this story.  I turn over the sheets that were written and finished before my departure, and come to the notes for what is to follow.

Perhaps my days of work in Paris have carried my mind on beyond the point at which I left the narrative.  I sit as it were among a pile of memories that are now all disordered and mixed up together, their proper sequences and connexions lost.  I cannot trace the phases through which our mutual passion rode up through the restrained and dignified intentions of our friendship.  But I know that presently we were in a white heat of desire.  There must have been passages that I now altogether forget, moments of tense transition.  I am more and more convinced that our swiftest, intensest, mental changes leave far less vivid memories than impressions one receives when one is comparatively passive.  And of this phase in my life of which I am now telling I have clear memories of a time when we talked like brother and sister, or like angels if you will, and hard upon that came a time when we were planning in all our moments together how and when and where we might meet in secret and meet again.

Things drift with a phantom-like uncertainty into my mind and pass again; those fierce motives of our transition have lost now all stable form and feature, but I believe there was a curious tormenting urgency in our jealousy of those others, of Justin on my part and of Rachel on hers.  At first we had talked quite freely about Rachel, had discussed my conceivable marriage with her.  We had indeed a little forced that topic, as if to reassure ourselves of the honesty of our new footing.  But the force that urged us nearer pervaded all our being.  It was hard enough to be barred apart, to snatch back our hands from touching, to avoid each other’s eyes, to hurry a little out of the dusk towards the lit house and its protecting servants, but the constant presence and suggestion of those others from whom there were no bars, or towards whom bars could be abolished at a look, at an impulse, exacerbated that hardship, roused a fierce insatiable spirit of revolt within us.  At times we grew angry with each other’s formalism, came near to quarrelling....

I associate these moods with the golden stillnesses of a prolonged and sultry autumn, and with slowly falling leaves....

I will not tell you how that step was taken, it matters very little to my story, nor will I tell which one of us it was first broke the barriers down.

Se

But I do want to tell you certain things.  I want to tell you them because they are things that affect you closely.  There was almost from the first a difference between Mary and myself in this, that I wanted to be public about our love, I wanted to be open and defiant, and she-hesitated.  She wanted to be secret.  She wanted to keep me; I sometimes think that she was moved to become my mistress because she wanted to keep me.  But she also wanted to keep everything else in her life,-her position, her ample freedoms and wealth and dignity.  Our love was to be a secret cavern, Endymion’s cave.  I was ready enough to do what I could to please her, and for a time I served that secrecy, lied, pretended, agreed to false addresses, assumed names, and tangled myself in a net-work of furtive proceedings.  These are things that poison and consume honest love.

You will learn soon enough as you grow to be a man that beneath the respectable assumptions of our social life there is an endless intricate world of subterfuge and hidden and perverted passion,-for all passion that wears a mask is perversion-and that thousands of people of our sort are hiding and shamming about their desires, their gratifications, their true relationships.  I do not mean the open offenders, for they are mostly honest and gallant people, but the men and women who sin in the shadows, the people who are not clean and scandalous, but immoral and respectable.  This underworld is not for us.  I wish that I who have looked into it could in some way inoculate you now against the repetition of my misadventure.  We Strattons are daylight men, and if I work now for widened facilities of divorce, for an organized freedom and independence of women, and greater breadth of toleration, it is because I know in my own person the degradations, the falsity, the bitterness, that can lurk beneath the inflexible prétentions of the established code to-day.

And I want to tell you too of something altogether unforeseen that happened to us, and that was this, that from the day that passion carried us and we became in the narrower sense of the word lovers, all the wider interests we had in common, our political intentions, our impersonal schemes, began to pass out of our intercourse.  Our situation closed upon us like a trap and hid the sky.  Something more intense had our attention by the feet, and we used our wings no more.  I do not think that we even had the real happiness and beauty and delight of one another.  Because, I tell you, there is no light upon kiss or embrace that is not done with pride.  I do not know why it should be so, but people of our race and quality are a little ashamed of mere gratification in love.  Always we seem in my memory to have been whispering with flushed cheeks, and discussing interminably-situation.  Had something betrayed us, might something betray, was this or that sufficiently cunning?  Had we perhaps left a footmark or failed to burn a note, was the second footman who was detailed as my valet even now pausing astonished in the brushing of my clothes with our crumpled secret in his hand?  Between myself and the clear vision of this world about me this infernal net-work of precautions spread like a veil.

And it was not only a matter of concealments but of positive deceptions.  The figure of Justin comes back to me.  It is a curious thing that in spite of our bitter antagonism and the savage jealousy we were to feel for one another, there has always been, and there remains now in my thought of him, a certain liking, a regret at our opposition, a quality of friendliness.  His broad face, which the common impression and the caricaturist make so powerful and eagle-like, is really not a brutal or heavy face at all.  It is no doubt aquiline, after the fashion of an eagle-owl, the mouth and chin broad and the eyes very far apart, but there is a minute puckering of the brows which combines with that queer streak of brown discoloration that runs across his cheek and into the white of his eyes, to give something faintly plaintive and pitiful to his expression, an effect enhanced by the dark softness of his eyes.  They are gentle eyes; it is absurd to suppose them the eyes of a violently forceful man.  And indeed they do not belie Justin.  It is not by vehemence or pressure that his wealth and power have been attained; it is by the sheer detailed abundance of his mind.  In that queer big brain of his there is something of the calculating boy and not a little of the chess champion; he has a kind of financial gift, he must be rich, and grows richer.  What else is there for him to do?  How many times have I not tried to glance carelessly at his face and scrutinize that look in his eyes, and ask myself was that his usual look, or was it lit by an instinctive jealousy?  Did he perhaps begin to suspect?  I had become a persistent visitor in the house, he might well be jealous of such minor favors as she showed me, for with him she talked but little and shared no thoughts.  His manner with her was tinctured by an habituated despair.  They were extraordinarily polite and friendly with one another....

I tried a hundred sophistications of my treachery to him.  I assured myself that a modern woman is mistress and owner of herself; no chattel, and so forth.  But he did not think so, and neither she nor I were behaving as though we thought so.  In innumerable little things we were doing our best tacitly to reassure him.  And so you see me shaking hands with this man, affecting an interest in his topics and affairs, staying in his house, eating his food and drinking his wine, that I might be the nearer to his wife.  It is not the first time that has been done in the world, there are esoteric codes to justify all I did; I perceive there are types of men to whom such relationships are attractive by the very reason of their illicit excitement.  But we Strattons are honest people, there is no secretive passion in our blood; this is no game for us; never you risk the playing of it, little son, big son as you will be when you read this story.  Perhaps, but I hope indeed not, this may reach you too late to be a warning, come to you in mid-situation.  Go through with it then, inheritor of mine, and keep as clean as you can, follow the warped honor that is still left to you-and if you can, come out of the tangle....

It is not only Justin haunts the memories of that furtive time, but Rachel More.  I see her still as she was then, a straight, white-dressed girl with big brown eyes that regarded me now with perplexity, now with a faint dismay.  I still went over to see her, and my manner had changed.  I had nothing to say to her now and everything to hide.  Everything between us hung arrested, and nothing could occur to make an end.

I told Mary I must cease my visits to the Mores.  I tried to make her feel my own sense of an accumulating cruelty to Rachel.  “But it explains away so much,” she said.  “If you stop going there-everyone will talk.  Everything will swing round-and point here.”

“Rachel!” I protested.

“No,” she said, overbearing me, “you must keep on going to Ridinghanger.  You must.  You must.” ...

For a long time I had said nothing to Mary of the burthen these pretences were to me; it had seemed a monstrous ingratitude to find the slightest flaw in the passionate love and intimacy she had given me.  But at last the divergence of our purposes became manifest to us both.  A time came when we perceived it clearly and discussed it openly.  I have still a vivid recollection of a golden October day when we had met at the edge of the plantation that overlooks Bearshill.  She had come through the gardens into the pine-wood, and I had jumped the rusty banked stream that runs down the Bearshill valley, and clambered the barbed wire fence.  I came up the steep bank and through a fringe of furze to where she stood in the shade; I kissed her hand, and discovered mine had been torn open by one of the thorns of the wire and was dripping blood.  “Mind my dress,” she said, and we laughed as we kissed with my arm held aloof.

We sat down side by side upon the warm pine needles that carpeted the sand, and she made a mothering fuss about my petty wound, and bound it in my handkerchief.  We looked together across the steep gorge at the blue ridge of trees beyond.  “Anyone,” she said, “might have seen us this minute.”

“I never thought,” I said, and moved a foot away from her.

“It’s too late if they have,” said she, pulling me back to her.  “Over beyond there, that must be Hindhead.  Someone with a telescope !”

“That’s less credible,” I said.  And it occurred to me that the grey stretch of downland beyond must be the ridge to the west of Ridinghanger.

“I wish,” I said, “it didn’t matter.  I wish I could come and go and fear nobody-and spend long hours with you-oh! at our ease.”

“Now,” she said, “we spend short hours.  I wonder if I would like - It’s no good, Stephen, letting ourselves think of things that can’t be.  Here we are.  Kiss that hand, my lover, there, just between wrist and thumb-the little hollow.  Yes, exactly there.”

But thoughts had been set going in my mind.  “Why,” I said presently, “should you always speak of things that can’t be?  Why should we take all this as if it were all that there could be?  I want long hours.  I want you to shine all the day through on my life.  Now, dear, it’s as if the sun was shown ever and again, and then put back behind an eclipse.  I come to you half-blinded, I go away unsatisfied.  All the world is dark in between, and little phantom yous float over it.”

She rested her cheek on her hand and looked at me gravely.

“You are hard to satisfy, brother heart,” she said.

“I live in snatches of brightness and all the rest of life is waiting and thinking and waiting.”

“What else is there?  Haven’t we the brightness?”

“I want you,” I said.  “I want you altogether.”

“After so much?”

“I want the more.  Mary, I want you to come away with me.  No, listen! this life-don’t think I’m not full of the beauty, the happiness, the wonder - But it’s a suspense.  It doesn’t go on.  It’s just a dawn, dear, a splendid dawn, a glory of color and brightness and freshness and hope, and-no sun rises.  I want the day.  Everything else has stopped with me and stopped with you.  I do nothing with my politics now,-I pretend.  I have no plans in life except plans for meeting you and again meeting you.  I want to go on, I want to go on with you and take up work and the world again-you beside me.  I want you to come out of all this life-out of all this immense wealthy emptiness of yours -”

“Stop,” she said, “and listen to me, Stephen.”

She paused with her lips pressed together, her brows a little knit.

“I won’t,” she said slowly.  “I am going on like this.  I and you are going to be lovers-just as we are lovers now-secret lovers.  And I am going to help you in all your projects, hold your party together-for you will have a party-my house shall be its centre -”

“But Justin -”

“He takes no interest in politics.  He will do what pleases me.”

I took some time before I answered.  “You don’t understand how men feel,” I said.

She waited for what else I had to say.  I lay prone, and gathered together and shaped and reshaped a little heap of pine needles.  “You see - I can’t do it.  I want you.”

She gripped a handful of my hair, and tugged hard between each word.  “Haven’t you got me?” she asked between her teeth.  “What more could you have?”

“I want you openly.”

She folded her arms beneath her. “No,” she said.

For a little while neither of us spoke.

“It’s the trouble of the deceit?” she asked.

“It’s-the deceit.”

“We can stop all that,” she said.

I looked up at her face enquiringly.

“By having no more to hide,” she said, with her eyes full of tears.  “If it’s nothing to you -”

“It’s everything to me,” I said.  “It’s overwhelming me.  Oh Mary, heart of my life, my dear, come out of this!  Come with me, come and be my wife, make a clean thing of it!  Let me take you away, and then let me marry you.  I know it’s asking you-to come to a sort of poverty -”

But Mary’s blue eyes were alight with anger.  “Isn’t it a clean thing now, Stephen?” she was crying.  “Do you mean that you and I aren’t clean now?  Will you never understand?”

“Oh clean,” I answered, “clean as Eve in the garden.  But can we keep clean?  Won’t the shadow of our falsehoods darken at all?  Come out of it while we are still clean.  Come with me.  Justin will divorce you.  We can stay abroad and marry and come back.”

Mary was kneeling up now with her hands upon her knees.

“Come back to what?” she cried.  “Parliament?-after that?  You boy! you sentimentalist! you-you duffer!  Do you think I’d let you do it for your own sake even?  Do you think I want you-spoilt?  We should come back to mope outside of things, we should come back to fret our lives out.  I won’t do it, Stephen, I won’t do it.  End this if you like, break our hearts and throw them away and go on without them, but to turn all our lives into a scandal, to give ourselves over to the mean and the malicious, a prey to old women-and you damned out of everything!  A man partly forgiven!  A man who went wrong for a woman! No!”

She sprang lightly to her feet and stood over me as I knelt before her.  “And I came here to be made love to, Stephen!  I came here to be loved!  And you talk that nonsense!  You remind me of everything-wretched!”

She lifted up her hands and then struck down with them, a gesture of infinite impatience.  Her face as she bent to me was alive with a friendly anger, her eyes suddenly dark.  “You duffer!” she repeated....

Se

Discovery followed hard upon that meeting.  I had come over to Martens with some book as a pretext; the man had told me that Lady Mary awaited me in her blue parlor, and I went unannounced through the long gallery to find her.  The door stood a little ajar, I opened it softly so that she did not hear me, and saw her seated at her writing-desk with her back to me, and her cheek and eyebrow just touched by the sunlight from the open terrace window.  She was writing a note.  I put my hand about her shoulder, and bent to kiss her as she turned.  Then as she came round to me she started, was for a moment rigid, then thrust me from her and rose very slowly to her feet.

I turned to the window and became as rigid, facing Justin.  He was standing on the terrace, staring at us, with a face that looked stupid and inexpressive and-very white.  The sky behind him, appropriately enough, was full of the tattered inky onset of a thunderstorm.  So we remained for a lengthy second perhaps, a trite tableau vivant.  We two seemed to hang helplessly upon Justin, and he was the first of us to move.

He made a queer, incomplete gesture with one hand, as if he wanted to undo the top button of his waistcoat and then thought better of it.  He came very slowly into the room.  When he spoke his voice had neither rage nor denunciation in it.  It was simply conversational.  “I felt this was going on,” he said.  And then to his wife with the note of one who remarks dispassionately on a peculiar situation.  “Yet somehow it seemed wrong and unnatural to think such a thing of you.”

His face took on something of the vexed look of a child who struggles with a difficult task.  “Do you mind,” he said to me, “will you go?”

I took a moment for my reply.  “No,” I said.  “Since you know at last - There are things to be said.”

“No,” said Mary, suddenly.  “Go!  Let me talk to him.”

“No,” I said, “my place is here beside you.”

He seemed not to hear me.  His eyes were fixed on Mary.  He seemed to think he had dismissed me, and that I was no longer there.  His mind was not concerned about me, but about her.  He spoke as though what he said had been in his mind, and no doubt it had been in his mind, for many days.  “I didn’t deserve this,” he said to her.  “I’ve tried to make your life as you wanted your life.  It’s astonishing to find-I haven’t.  You gave no sign.  I suppose I ought to have felt all this happening, but it comes upon me surprisingly.  I don’t know what I’m to do.”  He became aware of me again.  “And you!” he said.  “What am I to do?  To think that you-while I have been treating her like some sacred thing....”

The color was creeping back into his face.  Indignation had come into his voice, the first yellow lights of rising jealousy showed in his eyes.

“Stephen,” I heard Mary say, “will you leave me to talk to my husband?”

“There is only one thing to do,” I said.  “What is the need of talking?  We two are lovers, Justin.”  I spoke to both of them.  “We two must go out into the world, go out now together.  This marriage of yours-it’s no marriage, no real marriage....”

I think I said that.  I seem to remember saying that; perhaps with other phrases that I have forgotten.  But my memory of what we said and did, which is so photographically clear of these earlier passages that I believe I can answer for every gesture and nearly every word that I have set down, becomes suddenly turbid.  The high tension of our first confrontation was giving place to a flood of emotional impulse.  We all became eager to talk, to impose interpretations and justifications upon our situation.  We all three became divided between our partial attention to one another and our urgent necessity to keep hold of our points of view.  That I think is the common tragedy of almost all human conflicts, that rapid breakdown from the first cool apprehension of an issue to heat, confusion, and insistence.  I do not know if indeed we raised our voices, but my memory has an effect of raised voices, and when at last I went out of the house it seemed to me that the men-servants in the hall were as hushed as beasts before a thunderstorm, and all of them quite fully aware of the tremendous catastrophe that had come to Martens.  And moreover, as I recalled afterwards with astonishment, I went past them and out into the driving rain unprotected, and not one of them stirred a serviceable hand....

What was it we said?  I have a vivid sense of declaring not once only but several times that Mary and I were husband and wife “in the sight of God.”  I was full of the idea that now she must inevitably be mine.  I must have spoken to Justin at times as if he had come merely to confirm my view of the long dispute there had been between us.  For a while my mind resisted his extraordinary attitude that the matter lay between him and Mary, that I was in some way an interloper.  It seemed to me there was nothing for it now but that Mary should stand by my side and face Justin with the world behind him.  I remember my confused sense that presently she and I would have to go straight out of Martens.  And she was wearing a tea-gown, easy and open, and the flimsiest of slippers.  Any packing, any change of clothing, struck me as an incredible anti-climax.  I had visions of our going forth, hand in hand.  Outside was the soughing of a coming storm, a chill wind drove a tumult of leaves along the terrace, the door slammed and yawned open again, and then came the rain.  Justin, I remember, still talking, closed the door.  I tried to think how I could get to the station five miles away, and then what we could do in London.  We should seem rather odd visitors to an hotel-without luggage.  All this was behind my valiant demand that she should come with me, and come now.

And then my mind was lanced by the thin edge of realization that she did not intend to come now, and that Justin was resolved she should not do so.  After the first shock of finding herself discovered she had stood pale but uncowed before her bureau, with her eyes rather on him than on me.  Her hands, I think, were behind her upon the edge of the writing flap, and she was a little leaning upon them.  She had the watchful alert expression of one who faces an unanticipated but by no means overwhelming situation.  She cast a remark to me.  “But I do not want to come with you,” she said.  “I have told you I do not want to come with you.”  All her mind seemed concentrated upon what she should do with Justin.  “You must send him away,” he was saying.  “It’s an abominable thing.  It must stop.  How can you dream it should go on?”

“But you said when you married me I should be free, I should own myself!  You gave me this house -”

“What!  To disgrace myself!”

I was moved to intervene.

“You must choose between us, Mary,” I cried.  “It is impossible you should stay here!  You cannot stay here.”

She turned upon me, a creature at bay.  “Why shouldn’t I stay here?  Why must I choose between two men?  I want neither of you.  I want myself.  I’m not a thing.  I’m a human being.  I’m not your thing, Justin-nor yours, Stephen.  Yet you want to quarrel over me-like two dogs over a bone.  I am going to stay here-in my house!  It’s my house.  I made it.  Every room of it is full of me.  Here I am!”

She stood there making this magnificently extravagant claim; her eyes blazing blue, her hair a little dishevelled with a strand across her cheek.

Both I and Justin spoke together, and then turned in helpless anger upon one another.  I remember that with the clumsiest of weak gestures he bade me begone from the house, and that I with a now rather deflated rhetoric answered I would go only with Mary at my side.  And there she stood, less like a desperate rebel against the most fundamental social relations than an indignant princess, and demanded of us and high heaven, “Why should I be fought for?  Why should I be fought for?”

And then abruptly she gathered her skirts in her hand and advanced.  “Open that door, Stephen,” she said, and was gone with a silken whirl and rustle from our presence.

We were left regarding one another with blank expressions.

Her departure had torn the substance out of our dispute.  For the moment we found ourselves left with a new situation for which there is as yet no tradition of behavior.  We had become actors in that new human comedy that is just beginning in the world, that comedy in which men still dispute the possession and the manner of the possession of woman according to the ancient rules, while they on their side are determining ever more definitely that they will not be possessed....

We had little to say to one another,-mere echoes and endorsements of our recent declarations.  “She must come to me,” said I. And he, “I will save her from that at any cost.”

That was the gist of our confrontation, and then I turned about and walked along the gallery towards the entrance, with Justin following me slowly.  I was full of the wrath of baffled heroics; I turned towards him with something of a gesture.  Down the perspective of the white and empty gallery he appeared small and perplexed.  The panes of the tall French windows were slashed with rain....

Se

I forget now absolutely what I may have expected to happen next.  I cannot remember my return to my father’s house that day.  But I know that what did happen was the most unanticipated and incredible experience of my life.  It was as if the whole world of mankind were suddenly to turn upside down and people go about calmly in positions of complete inversion.  I had a note from Mary on the morning after this discovery that indeed dealt with that but was otherwise not very different from endless notes I had received before our crisis.  It was destroyed, so that I do not know its exact text now, but it did not add anything material to the situation, or give me the faintest shadow to intimate what crept close upon us both.  She repeated her strangely thwarting refusal to come away and live with me.  She seemed indignant that we had been discovered-as though Justin had indulged in an excess of existence by discovering us.  I completed and despatched to her a long letter I had already been writing overnight in which I made clear the hopeless impossibility of her attitude, vowed all my life and strength to her, tried to make some picture of the happiness that was possible for us together, sketched as definitely as I could when and where we might meet and whither we might go.  It must have made an extraordinary jumble of protest, persuasion and practicality.  It never reached her; it was intercepted by Justin.

I have gathered since that after I left Martens he sent telegrams to Guy and Philip and her cousin Lord Tarvrille.  He was I think amazed beyond measure at this revelation of the possibilities of his cold and distant wife, with a vast passion of jealousy awaking in him, and absolutely incapable of forming any plan to meet the demands of his extraordinary situation.  Guy and Philip got to him that night, Tarvrille came down next morning, and Martens became a debate.  Justin did not so much express views and intentions as have them extracted from him; it was manifest he was prepared for the amplest forgiveness of his wife if only I could be obliterated from their world.  Confronted with her brothers, the two men in the world who could be frankly brutal to her, Mary’s dignity suffered; she persisted she meant to go on seeing me, but she was reduced to passionate tears.

Into some such state of affairs I came that morning on the heels of my letter, demanding Lady Mary of a scared evasive butler.

Maxton and Tarvrille appeared:  “Hullo, Stratton!” said Tarvrille, with a fine flavor of an agreeable chance meeting.  Philip had doubts about his greeting me, and then extended his reluctant hand with a nervous grin to excuse the delay.

“I want to see Lady Mary,” said I, stiffly.

“She’s not up yet,” said Tarvrille, with a hand on my shoulder.  “Come and have a talk in the garden.”

We went out with Tarvrille expanding the topic of the seasons.  “It’s a damned good month, November, say what you like about it.”  Philip walked grimly silent on my other hand.

“And it’s a damned awkward situation you’ve got us into, Stratton,” said Tarvrille, “say what you like about it.”

“It isn’t as though old Justin was any sort of beast,” he reflected, “or anything like that, you know.  He’s a most astonishing decent chap, clean as they make them.”

“This isn’t a beastly intrigue,” I said.

“It never is,” said Tarvrille genially.

“We’ve loved each other a long time.  It’s just flared out here.”

“No doubt of that,” said Tarvrille.  “It’s been like a beacon to all Surrey.”

“It’s one of those cases where things have to be readjusted.  The best thing to do is for Mary and me to go abroad -”

“Yes, but does Mary think so?”

“Look here!” said Philip in a voice thick with rage.  “I won’t have Mary divorced.  I won’t.  See?  I won’t.”

“What the devil’s it got to do with you?” I asked with an answering flash of fury.

Tarvrille’s arm ran through mine.  “Nobody’s going to divorce Mary,” he said reassuringly.  “Not even Justin.  He doesn’t want to, and nobody else can, and there you are!”

“But we two -”

“You two have had a tremendously good time.  You’ve got found out-and there you are!”

“This thing has got to stop absolutely now,” said Philip and echoed with a note of satisfaction in his own phrasing, “absolutely now.”

“You see, Stratton,” said Tarvrille as if he were expanding Philip’s assertion, “there’s been too many divorces in society.  It’s demoralizing people.  It’s discrediting us.  It’s setting class against class.  Everybody is saying why don’t these big people either set about respecting the law or altering it.  Common people are getting too infernally clear-headed.  Hitherto it’s mattered so little....  But we can’t stand any more of it, Stratton, now.  It’s something more than a private issue; it’s a question of public policy.  We can’t stand any more divorces.”

He reflected.  “We have to consider something more than our own personal inclinations.  We’ve got no business to be here at all if we’re not a responsible class.  We owe something-to ourselves.”

It was as if Tarvrille was as concerned as I was for this particular divorce, as if he struggled with a lively desire to see me and Mary happily married after the shortest possible interval.  And indeed he manifestly wasn’t unsympathetic; he had the strongest proclivity for the romantic and picturesque, and it was largely the romantic picturesqueness of renunciation that he urged upon me.  Philip for the most part maintained a resentful silence; he was a clenched anger against me, against Mary, against the flaming possibilities that threatened the sister of Lord Maxton, that most promising and distinguished young man.

Of course their plans must have been definitely made before this talk, probably they had made them overnight, and probably it was Tarvrille had given them a practicable shape, but he threw over the whole of our talk so satisfying a suggestion of arrest and prolonged discussion that it never occurred to me that I should not be able to come again on the morrow and renew my demand to see Mary.  Even when next day I turned my face to Martens and saw the flag had vanished from the flagstaff, it seemed merely a token of that household’s perturbation.  I thought the house looked oddly blank and sleepy as I drew near, but I did not perceive that this was because all the blinds were drawn.  The door upon the lawn was closed, and presently the butler came to open it.  He was in an old white jacket, and collarless.  “Lady Mary!” he said.  “Lady Mary has gone, sir.  She and Mr. Justin went yesterday after you called.”

“Gone!” said I.  “But where?”

“I think abroad, sir.”

“Abroad!”

“I think abroad.”

“But - They’ve left an address?”

“Only to Mr. Justin’s office,” said the man.  “Any letters will be forwarded from there.”

I paused upon the step.  He remained stiffly deferential, but with an air of having disposed of me.  He reproved me tacitly for forgetting that I ought to conceal my astonishment at this disappearance.  He was indeed an admirable man-servant.  “Thank you,” said I, and dropped away defeated from the door.

I went down the broad steps, walked out up the lawn, and surveyed house and trees and garden and sky.  To the heights and the depths and the uttermost, I knew now what it was to be amazed....

Se

I had felt myself an actor in a drama, and now I had very much the feeling an actor would have who answers to a cue and finds himself in mid-stage with the scenery and the rest of the cast suddenly vanished behind him.  By that mixture of force and persuasion which avails itself of a woman’s instinctive and cultivated dread of disputes and raised voices and the betrayal of contention to strangers, by the sheer tiring down of nerves and of sleepless body and by threats of an immediate divorce and a campaign of ruin against me, these three men had obliged Mary to leave Martens and go with them to Southampton, and thence they took her in Justin’s yacht, the Water-Witch, to Waterford, and thence by train to a hired house, an adapted old castle at Mirk near Crogham in Mayo.  There for all practical purposes she was a prisoner.  They took away her purse, and she was four miles from a pillar-box and ten from a telegraph office.  This house they had taken furnished without seeing it on the recommendation of a London agent, and in the name of Justin’s solicitor.  Thither presently went Lady Ladislaw, and an announcement appeared in the Times that Justin and Lady Mary had gone abroad for a time and that no letters would be forwarded.

I have never learnt the particulars of that abduction, but I imagine Mary astonished, her pride outraged, humiliated, helpless, perplexed and maintaining a certain outward dignity.  Moreover, as I was presently to be told, she was ill.  Guy and Philip were, I believe, the moving spirits in the affair; Tarvrille was their apologetic accomplice, Justin took the responsibility for what they did and bore the cost, he was bitterly ashamed to have these compulsions applied to his wife, but full now of a gusty fury against myself.  He loved Mary still with a love that was shamed and torn and bleeding, but his ruling passion was that infinitely stronger passion than love in our poor human hearts, jealousy.  He was prepared to fight for her now as men fight for a flag, tearing it to pieces in the struggle.  He meant now to keep Mary.  That settled, he was prepared to consider whether he still loved her or she him....

Now here it may seem to you that we are on the very verge of romance.  Here is a beautiful lady carried off and held prisoner in a wild old place, standing out half cut off from the mainland among the wintry breakers of the west coast of Ireland.  Here is the lover, baffled but insistent.  Here are the fierce brothers and the stern dragon husband, and you have but to make out that the marriage was compulsory, irregular and, on the ground of that irregularity, finally dissoluble, to furnish forth a theme for Marriott Watson in his most admirable and adventurous vein.  You can imagine the happy chances that would have guided me to the hiding-place, the trusty friend who would have come with me and told the story, the grim siege of the place-all as it were sotto voce for fear of scandal-the fight with Guy in the little cave, my attempted assassination, the secret passage.  Would to heaven life had those rich simplicities, and one could meet one’s man at the end of a sword!  My siege of Mirk makes a very different story from that.

In the first place I had no trusted friend of so extravagant a friendship as such aid would demand.  I had no one whom it seemed permissible to tell of our relations.  I was not one man against three or four men in a romantic struggle for a woman.  I was one man against something infinitely greater than that, I was one man against nearly all men, one man against laws, traditions, instincts, institutions, social order.  Whatever my position had been before, my continuing pursuit of Mary was open social rebellion.  And I was in a state of extreme uncertainty how far Mary was a willing agent in this abrupt disappearance.  I was disposed to think she had consented far more than she had done to this astonishing step.  Carrying off an unwilling woman was outside my imaginative range.  It was luminously clear in my mind that so far she had never countenanced the idea of flight with me, and until she did I was absolutely bound to silence about her.  I felt that until I saw her face to face again, and was sure she wanted me to release her, that prohibition held.  Yet how was I to get at her and hear what she had to say?  Clearly it was possible that she was under restraint, but I did not know; I was not certain, I could not prove it.  At Guildford station I gathered, after ignominious enquiries, that the Justins had booked to London.  I had two days of nearly frantic inactivity at home, and then pretended business that took me to London, for fear that I should break out to my father.  I came up revolving a dozen impossible projects of action in my mind.  I had to get into touch with Mary, at that my mind hung and stopped.  All through the twenty-four hours my nerves jumped at every knock upon my door; this might be the letter, this might be the telegram, this might be herself escaped and come to me.  The days passed like days upon a painful sick-bed, grey or foggy London days of an appalling length and emptiness.  If I sat at home my imagination tortured me; if I went out I wanted to be back and see if any communication had come.  I tried repeatedly to see Tarvrille.  I had an idea of obtaining a complete outfit for an elopement, but I was restrained by my entire ignorance of what a woman may need.  I tried to equip myself for a sudden crisis by the completest preparation of every possible aspect.  I did some absurd and ill-advised things.  I astonished a respectable solicitor in a grimy little office behind a queer little court with trees near Cornhill, by asking him to give advice to an anonymous client and then putting my anonymous case before him.  “Suppose,” said I, “it was for the plot of a play.”  He nodded gravely.

My case as I stated it struck me as an unattractive one.

“Application for a Writ of Habeas Corpus,” he considered with eyes that tried to remain severely impartial, “by a Wife’s Lover, who wants to find out where she is....  It’s unusual.  You will be requiring the husband to produce her Corpus....  I don’t think-speaking in the same general terms as those in which you put the circumstances, it would be likely to succeed....  No.”

Then I overcame a profound repugnance and went to a firm of private detectives.  It had occurred to me that if I could have Justin, Tarvrille, Guy or Philip traced I might get a clue to Mary’s hiding-place.  I remember a queer little office, a blusterous, frock-coated creature with a pock-marked face, iron-grey hair, an eyeglass and a strained tenor voice, who told me twice that he was a gentleman and several times that he would prefer not to do business than to do it in an ungentlemanly manner, and who was quite obviously ready and eager to blackmail either side in any scandal into which spite or weakness admitted his gesticulating fingers.  He alluded vaguely to his staff, to his woman helpers, “some personally attached to me,” to his remarkable underground knowledge of social life-“the illicit side.”  What could he do for me?  There was nothing, I said, illicit about me.  His interest waned a little.  I told him that I was interested in certain financial matters, no matter what they were, and that I wanted to have a report of the movements of Justin and his brothers-in-law for the past few weeks and for a little time to come.  “You want them watched?” said my private enquiry agent, leaning over the desk towards me and betraying a slight squint.  “Exactly,” said I.  “I want to know what sort of things they are looking at just at present.”

“Have you any inkling ?”

“None.”

“If our agents have to travel -”

I expressed a reasonable generosity in the matter of expenses, and left him at last with a vague discomfort in my mind.  How far mightn’t this undesirable unearth the whole business in the course of his investigations?  And then what could he do?  Suppose I went back forthwith and stopped his enquiries before they began!  I had a disagreeable feeling of meanness that I couldn’t shake off; I felt I was taking up a weapon that Justin didn’t deserve.  Yet I argued with myself that the abduction of Mary justified any such course.

As I was still debating this I saw Philip.  He was perhaps twenty yards ahead of me, he was paying off a hansom which had just put him down outside Blake’s.  “Philip,” I cried, following him up the steps and overtaking him and seizing his arm as the commissionaire opened the door for him.  “Philip!  What have you people done with Mary?  Where is Mary?”

He turned a white face to me.  “How dare you,” he said with a catch of the breath, “mention my sister?”

I spoke in an undertone, and stepped a little between him and the man at the door in order that the latter might not hear what I said.  “I want to see her,” I expostulated.  “I must see her.  What you are doing is not playing the game.  I’ve got to see her.”

“Let go of my arm, sir!” cried he, and suddenly I felt a whirlwind of rage answering the rage in his eyes.  The pent-up exasperation of three weeks rushed to its violent release.  He struck me in the face with the hand that was gripped about his umbrella.  He meant to strike me in the face and then escape into his club, but before he could get away from me after his blow I had flung out at him, and had hit him under the jawbone.  My blow followed his before guard or counter was possible.  I hit with all my being.  It was an amazing flare up of animal passion; from the moment that I perceived he was striking at me to the moment when both of us came staggering across the door-mat into the dignified and spacious hall-way of Blake’s, we were back at the ancestral ape, and we did exactly what the ancestral ape would have done.  The arms of the commissionaire about my waist, the rush of the astonished porter from his little glass box, two incredibly startled and delighted pages, and an intervening member bawling out “Sir!  Sir!” converged to remind us that we were a million years or so beyond those purely arboreal days....

We seemed for a time to be confronted before an audience that hesitated to interfere.  “How dare you name my sister to me?” he shouted at me, and brought to my mind the amazing folly of which he was capable.  I perceived Mary’s name flung to the four winds of heaven.

“You idiot, Philip!” I cried.  “I don’t know your sister.  I’ve not seen her-scarcely seen her for years.  I ask you-I ask you for a match-box or something and you hit me.”

“If you dare to speak to her !”

“You fool!” I cried, going nearer to him and trying to make him understand.  But he winced and recoiled defensively.  “I’m sorry,” I said to the commissionaire who was intervening.  “Lord Maxton has made a mistake.”

“Is he a member?” said someone in the background, and somebody else suggested calling a policeman.  I perceived that only a prompt retreat would save the whole story of our quarrel from the newspapers.  So far as I could see nobody knew me there except Philip.  I had to take the risks of his behavior; manifestly I couldn’t control it.  I made no further attempt to explain anything to anybody.  Everyone was a little too perplexed for prompt action, and so the advantage in that matter lay with me.  I walked through the door, and with what I imagined to be an appearance of the utmost serenity down the steps.  I noted an ascending member glance at me with an expression of exceptional interest, but it was only after I had traversed the length of Pall Mall that I realized that my lip and the corner of my nostril were both bleeding profusely.  I called a cab when I discovered my handkerchief scarlet, and retreated to my flat and cold ablutions.  Then I sat down to write a letter to Tarvrille, with a clamorous “Urgent, Please forward if away” above the address, and tell him at least to suppress Philip.  But within the club that blockhead, thinking of nothing but the appearances of our fight and his own credit, was varying his assertion that he had thrashed me, with denunciations of me as a “blackguard,” and giving half a dozen men a highly colored, improvised, and altogether improbable account of my relentless pursuit and persecution of Lady Mary Justin, and how she had left London to avoid me.  They listened, no doubt, with extreme avidity.  The matrimonial relations of the Justins had long been a matter for speculative minds.

And while Philip was doing this, Guy, away in Mayo still, was writing a tender, trusting, and all too explicit letter to a well-known and extremely impatient lady in London to account for his continued absence from her house.  “So that is it!” said the lady, reading, and was at least in the enviable position of one who had confirmatory facts to impart....

And so quite suddenly the masks were off our situation and we were open to an impertinent world.  For some days I did not realize what had happened, and lived in hope that Philip had been willing and able to cover his lapse.  I went about with my preoccupation still, as I imagined, concealed, and with an increasing number of typed letters from my private enquiry agent in my pocket containing inaccurate and worthless information about the movements of Justin, which appeared to have been culled for the most part from a communicative young policeman stationed at the corner nearest to the Justins’ house, or expanded from Who’s Who and other kindred works of reference.  The second letter, I remember, gave some particulars about the financial position of the younger men, and added that Justin’s credit with the west-end tradesmen was “limitless,” points upon which I had no sort of curiosity whatever....

I suppose a couple of hundred people in London knew before I did that Lady Mary Justin had been carried off to Ireland and practically imprisoned there by her husband because I was her lover.  The thing reached me at last through little Fred Riddling, who came to my rooms in the morning while I was sitting over my breakfast.  “Stratton!” said he, “what is all this story of your shaking Justin by the collar, and threatening to kill him if he didn’t give up his wife to you?  And why do you want to fight a duel with Maxton?  What’s it all about?  Fire-eater you must be!  I stood up for you as well as I could, but I heard you abused for a solid hour last night, and there was a chap there simply squirting out facts and dates and names.  Got it all....  What have you been up to?”

He stood on my hearthrug with an air of having called for an explanation to which he was entitled, and he very nearly got one.  But I just had some scraps of reserve left, and they saved me.  “Tell me first,” I said, delaying myself with the lighting of a cigarette, “the particulars ... as you heard them.”

Riddling embarked upon a descriptive sketch, and I got a minute or so to think.

“Go on,” I said with a note of irony, when he paused.  “Go on.  Tell me some more.  Where did you say they have taken her; let us have it right.”

By the time his little store had run out I knew exactly what to do with him.  “Riddling,” said I, and stood up beside him suddenly and dropped my hand with a little added weight upon his shoulder, “Riddling, do you know the only right and proper thing to do when you hear scandal about a friend?”

“Come straight to him,” said Riddling virtuously, “as I have done.”

“No.  Say you don’t believe it.  Ask the scandal-monger how he knows and insist on his telling you-insist.  And if he won’t-be very, very rude to him.  Insist up to the quarrelling point.  Now who were those people?”

“Well-that’s a bit stiff....  One chap I didn’t know at all.”

“You should have pulled him up and insisted upon knowing who he was, and what right he had to lie about me.  For it’s lying, Riddling.  Listen!  It isn’t true that I’m besieging Lady Mary Justin.  So far from besieging her I didn’t even know where she was until you told me.  Justin is a neighbor of my father’s and a friend of mine.  I had tea with him and his wife not a month ago.  I had tea with them together.  I knew they were going away, but it was a matter of such slight importance to me, such slight importance”-I impressed this on his collarbone-“that I was left with the idea that they were going to the south of France.  I believe they are in the south of France.  And there you are.  I’m sorry to spoil sport, but that’s the bleak unromantic truth of the matter.”

“You mean to say that there is nothing in it all?”

“Nothing.”

He was atrociously disappointed.  “But everybody,” he said, “everybody has got something.”

“Somebody will get a slander case if this goes on.  I don’t care what they’ve got.”

“Good Lord!” he said, and stared at the rug.  “You’ll take your oath -” He glanced up and met my eye.  “Oh, of course it’s all right what you say.”  He was profoundly perplexed.  He reflected.  “But then, I say Stratton, why did you go for Maxton at Blake’s? That I had from an eye-witness.  You can’t deny a scrap like that-in broad daylight.  Why did you do that?”

“Oh that’s it,” said I.  “I begin to have glimmerings.  There’s a little matter between myself and Maxton....”  I found it a little difficult to improvise a plausible story.

“But he said it was his sister,” persisted Riddling.  “He said so afterwards, in the club.”

“Maxton,” said I, losing my temper, “is a fool and a knave and a liar.  His sister indeed!  Lady Mary!  If he can’t leave his sister out of this business I’ll break every bone of his body.” ...  I perceived my temper was undoing me.  I invented rapidly but thinly.  “As a matter of fact, Riddling, it’s quite another sort of lady has set us by the ears.”

Riddling stuck his chin out, tucked in the corners of his mouth, made round eyes at the breakfast things and, hands in pockets, rocked from heels to toes and from toes to heels.  “I see Stratton, yes, I see.  Yes, all this makes it very plain, of course.  Very plain....  Stupid thing, scandal is....  Thanks! no, I won’t have a cigarette.”

And he left me presently with an uncomfortable sense that he did see, and didn’t for one moment intend to restrain his considerable histrionic skill in handing on his vision to others.  For some moments I stood savoring this all too manifest possibility, and then my thoughts went swirling into another channel.  At last the curtain was pierced.  I was no longer helplessly in the dark.  I got out my Bradshaw, and sat with the map spread out over the breakfast things studying the routes to Mayo.  Then I rang for Williams, the man I shared with the two adjacent flat-holders, and told him to pack my kit-bag because I was suddenly called away.

Se

Many of the particulars of my journey to Ireland have faded out of my mind altogether.  I remember most distinctly my mood of grim elation that at last I had to deal with accessible persons again....

The weather was windy and violent, and I was sea-sick for most of the crossing, and very tired and exhausted when I landed.  Williams had thought of my thick over-coat and loaded me with wraps and rugs, and I sat in the corner of a compartment in that state of mental and bodily fatigue that presses on the brows like a painless headache.  I got to some little junction at last where I had to wait an hour for a branch-line train.  I tasted all the bitterness of Irish hospitality, and such coffee as Ireland alone can produce.  Then I went on to a station called Clumber or Clumboye, or some such name, and thence after some difficulty I got a car for my destination.  It was a wretched car in which hens had been roosting, and it was drawn by a steaming horse that had sores under its mended harness.

An immense wet wind was blowing as we came over the big hill that lies to the south of Mirk.  Everything was wet, the hillside above me was either intensely green sodden turf or great streaming slabs of limestone, seaward was a rocky headland, a ruin of a beehive shape, and beyond a vast waste of tumbling waters unlit by any sun.  Not a tree broke that melancholy wilderness, nor any living thing but ourselves.  The horse went stumblingly under the incessant stimulation of the driver’s lash and tongue....

“Yonder it is,” said my man, pointing with his whip, and I twisted round to see over his shoulder, not the Rhine-like castle I had expected, but a long low house of stone upon a headland, backed by a distant mountain that vanished in a wild driven storm of rain as I looked.  But at the sight of Mirk my lassitude passed, my nerves tightened, and my will began to march again.  Now, thought I, we bring things to an issue.  Now we come to something personal and definite.  The vagueness is at an end.  I kept my eyes upon the place, and thought it more and more like a prison as we drew nearer.  Perhaps from that window Mary was looking for me now.  Had she wondered why I did not come to her before?  Now at any rate I had found her.  I sprang off the car, found a bell-handle, and set the house jangling.

The door opened, and a little old man appeared with his fingers thrust inside his collar as though he were struggling against strangulation.  He regarded me for a second, and spoke before I could speak.

“What might you be wanting?” said he, as if he had an answer ready.

“I want to see Lady Mary Justin,” I said.

“You can’t,” he said.  “She’s gone.”

“Gone!”

“The day before yesterday she went to London.  You’ll have to be getting back there.”

“She’s gone to London.”

“No less.”

“Willingly?”

The little old man struggled with his collar.  “Anyone would go willingly,” he said, and seemed to await my further commands.  He eyed me obliquely with a shadow of malice in his eyes.

It was then my heart failed, and I knew that we lovers were beaten.  I turned from the door without another word to the janitor.  “Back,” said I to my driver, and got up behind him.

But it is one thing to decide to go back, and another to do it.  At the little station I studied time-tables, and I could not get to England again without a delay of half a day.  Somewhere I must wait.  I did not want to wait where there was any concourse of people.  I decided to stay in the inn by the station for the intervening six hours, and get some sleep before I started upon my return, but when I saw the bedroom I changed my plan and went down out of the village by a steep road towards the shore.  I wandered down through the rain and spindrift to the very edge of the sea, and there found a corner among the rocks a little sheltered from the wind, and sat, inert and wretched; my lips salt, my hair stiff with salt, and my body wet and cold; a miserable defeated man.  For I had now an irrational and entirely overwhelming conviction of defeat.  I saw as if I ought always to have seen that I had been pursuing a phantom of hopeless happiness, that my dream of ever possessing Mary again was fantastic and foolish, and that I had expended all my strength in vain.  Over me triumphed a law and tradition more towering than those cliffs and stronger than those waves.  I was overwhelmed by a sense of human weakness, of the infinite feebleness of the individual man against wind and wave and the stress of tradition and the ancient usages of mankind.  “We must submit,” I whispered, crouching close, “we must submit.” ...

Far as the eye could reach the waves followed one another in long unhurrying lines, an inexhaustible succession, rolling, hissing, breaking, and tossing white manes of foam, to gather at last for a crowning effort and break thunderously, squirting foam two hundred feet up the streaming faces of the cliffs.  The wind tore and tugged at me, and wind and water made together a clamor as though all the evil voices in the world, all the violent passions and all the hasty judgments were seeking a hearing above the more elemental uproar....

Se

And while I was in this phase of fatigue and despair in Mayo, the scene was laid and all the other actors were waiting for the last act of my defeat in London.  I came back to find two letters from Mary and a little accumulation of telegrams and notes, one written in my flat, from Tarvrille.

Mary’s letters were neither of them very long, and full of a new-born despair.  She had not realized how great were the forces against her and against us both.  She let fall a phrase that suggested she was ill.  She had given in, she said, to save herself and myself and others from the shame and ruin of a divorce, and I must give in too.  We had to agree not to meet or communicate for three years, and I was to go out of England.  She prayed me to accept this.  She knew, she said, she seemed to desert me, but I did not know everything,-I did not know everything,-I must agree; she could not come with me; it was impossible. Now certainly it was impossible.  She had been weak, but I did not know all.  If I knew all I should be the readier to understand and forgive her, but it was part of the conditions that I could not know all.  Justin had been generous, in his way....  Justin had everything in his hands, the whole world was behind him against us, and I must give in.  Those letters had a quality I had never before met in her, they were broken-spirited.  I could not understand them fully, and they left me perplexed, with a strong desire to see her, to question her, to learn more fully what this change in her might mean.

Tarvrille’s notes recorded his repeated attempts to see me, I felt that he alone was capable of clearing up things for me, and I went out again at once and telegraphed to him for an appointment.

He wired to me from that same house in Mayfair in which I had first met Mary after my return.  He asked me to come to him in the afternoon, and thither I went through a November fog, and found him in the drawing-room that had the plate glass above the fireplace.  But now he was vacating the house, and everything was already covered up, the pictures and their frames were under holland, the fine furniture all in covers of faded stuff, the chandeliers and statues wrapped up, the carpets rolled out of the way.  Even the window-curtains were tucked into wrappers, and the blinds, except one he had raised, drawn down.  He greeted me and apologized for the cold inhospitality of the house.  “It was convenient here,” he said.  “I came here to clear out my papers and boxes.  And there’s no chance of interruptions.”

He went and stood before the empty fireplace, and plunged into the middle of the matter.

“You know, my dear Stratton, in this confounded business my heart’s with you.  It has been all along.  If I could have seen a clear chance before you-for you and Mary to get away-and make any kind of life of it-though she’s my cousin-I’d have helped you.  Indeed I would.  But there’s no sort of chance-not the ghost of a chance....”

He began to explain very fully, quite incontrovertibly, that entire absence of any chance for Mary and myself together.  He argued to the converted.  “You know as well as I do what that romantic flight abroad, that Ouidaesque casa in some secluded valley, comes to in reality.  All round Florence there’s no end of such scandalous people, I’ve been among them, the nine circles of the repenting scandalous, all cutting one another.”

“I agree,” I said.  “And yet -”

“What?”

“We could have come back.”

Tarvrille paused, and then leant forward.  “No.”

“But people have done so.  It would have been a clean sort of divorce.”

“You don’t understand Justin.  Justin would ruin you.  If you were to take Mary away....  He’s a queer little man.  Everything is in his hands.  Everything always is in the husband’s hands in these affairs.  If he chooses.  And keeps himself in the right.  For an injured husband the law sanctifies revenge....

“And you see, you’ve got to take Justin’s terms.  He’s changed.  He didn’t at first fully realize.  He feels-cheated.  We’ve had to persuade him.  There’s a case for Justin, you know.  He’s had to stand-a lot.  I don’t wonder at his going stiff at last.  No doubt it’s hard for you to see that.  But you have to see it.  You’ve got to go away as he requires-three years out of England, you’ve got to promise not to correspond, not to meet afterwards -”

“It’s so extravagant a separation.”

“The alternative is-not for you to have Mary, but for you two to be flung into the ditch together-that’s what it comes to, Stratton.  Justin’s got his case.  He’s set like-steel.  You’re up against the law, up against social tradition, up against money-any one of those a man may fight, but not all three.  And she’s ill, Stratton.  You owe her consideration.  You of all people.  That’s no got-up story; she’s truly ill and broken.  She can no longer fly with you and fight with you, travel in uncomfortable trains, stay in horrible little inns.  You don’t understand.  The edge is off her pluck, Stratton.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, and questioned his face.

“Just exactly what I say.”

A gleam of understanding came to me....

“Why can’t I see her?” I broke in, with my voice full of misery and anger.  “Why can’t I see her?  As if seeing her once more could matter so very greatly now!”

He appeared to weigh something in his mind.  “You can’t,” he said.

“How do I know that she’s not being told some story of my abandonment of her?  How do I know she isn’t being led to believe I no longer want her to come to me?”

“She isn’t,” said Tarvrille, still with that arrested judicial note in his voice.  “You had her letters?” he said.

“Two.”

“Yes.  Didn’t they speak?”

“I want to see her.  Damn it, Tarvrille!” I cried with sudden tears in my smarting eyes.  “Let her send me away.  This isn’t - Not treating us like human beings.”

“Women,” said Tarvrille and looked at his boot toes, “are different from men.  You see, Stratton -”

He paused.  “You always strike me, Stratton, as not realizing that women are weak things.  We’ve got to take care of them.  You don’t seem to feel that as I do.  Their moods-fluctuate-more than ours do.  If you hold ’em to what they say in the same way you hold a man-it isn’t fair....”

He halted as though he awaited my assent to that proposition.

“If you were to meet Mary now, you see, and if you were to say to her, come-come and we’ll jump down Etna together, and you said it in the proper voice and with the proper force, she’d do it, Stratton.  You know that.  Any man knows a thing like that.  And she wouldn’t want to do it....”

“You mean that’s why I can’t see her.”

“That’s why you can’t see her.”

“Because we’d become-dramatic.”

“Because you’d become-romantic and uncivilized.”

“Well,” I said sullenly, realizing the bargain we were making, “I won’t.”

“You won’t make any appeal?”

“No.”

He made no answer, and I looked up to discover him glancing over his shoulder through the great glass window into the other room.  I stood up very quickly, and there in the further apartment were Guy and Mary, standing side by side.  Our eyes met, and she came forward towards the window impulsively, and paused, with that unpitying pane between us....

Then Guy was opening the door for her and she stood in the doorway.  She was in dark furs wrapped about her, but in the instant I could see how ill she was and how broken.  She came a step or so towards me and then stopped short, and so we stood, shyly and awkwardly under Guy and Tarvrille’s eyes, two yards apart.  “You see,” she said, and stopped lamely.

“You and I,” I said, “have to part, Mary.  We - We are beaten.  Is that so?”

“Stephen, there is nothing for us to do.  We’ve offended.  We broke the rules.  We have to pay.”

“By parting?”

“What else is there to do?”

“No,” I said.  “There’s nothing else.” ...

“I tried,” she said, “that you shouldn’t be sent from England.”

“That’s a detail,” I answered.

“But your politics-your work?”

“That does not matter.  The great thing is that you are ill and unhappy-that I can’t help you.  I can’t do anything....  I’d go anywhere ... to save you....  All I can do, I suppose, is to part like this and go.”

“I shan’t be-altogether unhappy.  And I shall think of you -”

She paused, and we stood facing one another, tongue-tied.  There was only one word more to say, and neither of us would say it for a moment.

“Good-bye,” she whispered at last, and then, “Don’t think I deserted you, Stephen my dear.  Don’t think ill of me.  I couldn’t come-I couldn’t come to you,” and suddenly her face changed slowly and she began to weep, my fearless playmate whom I had never seen weeping before; she began to weep as an unhappy child might weep.

“Oh my Mary!” I cried, weeping also, and held out my arms, and we clung together and kissed with tear-wet faces.

“No,” cried Guy belatedly, “we promised Justin!”

But Tarvrille restrained his forbidding arm, and then after a second’s interval put a hand on my shoulder.  “Come,” he said....

And so it was Mary and I parted from one another.