Niagara Falls is a most enjoyable place of resort.  The hotels are excellent, and the prices not at all exorbitant.  The opportunities for fishing are not surpassed in the country; in fact, they are not even equaled elsewhere.  Because, in other localities, certain places in the streams are much better than others; but at Niagara one place is just as good as another, for the reason that the fish do not bite anywhere, and so there is no use in your walking five miles to fish, when you can depend on being just as unsuccessful nearer home.  The advantages of this state of things have never heretofore been properly placed before the public.

The weather is cool in summer, and the walks and drives are all pleasant and none of them fatiguing.  When you start out to “do” the Falls you first drive down about a mile, and pay a small sum for the privilege of looking down from a precipice into the narrowest part of the Niagara River.  A railway “cut” through a hill would be as comely if it had the angry river tumbling and foaming through its bottom.  You can descend a staircase here a hundred and fifty feet down, and stand at the edge of the water.  After you have done it, you will wonder why you did it; but you will then be too late.

The guide will explain to you, in his blood-curdling way, how he saw the little steamer, Maid of the Mist, descend the fearful rapids ­how first one paddle-box was out of sight behind the raging billows and then the other, and at what point it was that her smokestack toppled overboard, and where her planking began to break and part asunder ­and how she did finally live through the trip, after accomplishing the incredible feat of traveling seventeen miles in six minutes, or six miles in seventeen minutes, I have really forgotten which.  But it was very extraordinary, anyhow.  It is worth the price of admission to hear the guide tell the story nine times in succession to different parties, and never miss a word or alter a sentence or a gesture.

Then you drive over to Suspension Bridge, and divide your misery between the chances of smashing down two hundred feet into the river below, and the chances of having the railway-train overhead smashing down onto you.  Either possibility is discomforting taken by itself, but, mixed together, they amount in the aggregate to positive unhappiness.

On the Canada side you drive along the chasm between long ranks of photographers standing guard behind their cameras, ready to make an ostentatious frontispiece of you and your decaying ambulance, and your solemn crate with a hide on it, which you are expected to regard in the light of a horse, and a diminished and unimportant background of sublime Niagara; and a great many people have the incredible effrontery or the native depravity to aid and abet this sort of crime.

Any day, in the hands of these photographers, you may see stately pictures of papa and mamma, Johnny and Bub and Sis or a couple of country cousins, all smiling vacantly, and all disposed in studied and uncomfortable attitudes in their carriage, and all looming up in their awe-inspiring imbecility before the snubbed and diminished presentment of that majestic presence whose ministering spirits are the rainbows, whose voice is the thunder, whose awful front is veiled in clouds, who was monarch here dead and forgotten ages before this sackful of small reptiles was deemed temporarily necessary to fill a crack in the world’s unnoted myriads, and will still be monarch here ages and decades of ages after they shall have gathered themselves to their blood-relations, the other worms, and been mingled with the unremembering dust.

There is no actual harm in making Niagara a background whereon to display one’s marvelous insignificance in a good strong light, but it requires a sort of superhuman self-complacency to enable one to do it.

When you have examined the stupendous Horseshoe Fall till you are satisfied you cannot improve on it, you return to America by the new Suspension Bridge, and follow up the bank to where they exhibit the Cave of the Winds.

Here I followed instructions, and divested myself of all my clothing, and put on a waterproof jacket and overalls.  This costume is picturesque, but not beautiful.  A guide, similarly dressed, led the way down a flight of winding stairs, which wound and wound, and still kept on winding long after the thing ceased to be a novelty, and then terminated long before it had begun to be a pleasure.  We were then well down under the precipice, but still considerably above the level of the river.

We now began to creep along flimsy bridges of a single plank, our persons shielded from destruction by a crazy wooden railing, to which I clung with both hands ­not because I was afraid, but because I wanted to.  Presently the descent became steeper and the bridge flimsier, and sprays from the American Fall began to rain down on us in fast increasing sheets that soon became blinding, and after that our progress was mostly in the nature of groping.  Nova a furious wind began to rush out from behind the waterfall, which seemed determined to sweep us from the bridge, and scatter us on the rocks and among the torrents below.  I remarked that I wanted to go home; but it was too late.  We were almost under the monstrous wall of water thundering down from above, and speech was in vain in the midst of such a pitiless crash of sound.

In another moment the guide disappeared behind the deluge, and bewildered by the thunder, driven helplessly by the wind, and smitten by the arrowy tempest of rain, I followed.  All was darkness.  Such a mad storming, roaring, and bellowing of warring wind and water never crazed my ears before.  I bent my head, and seemed to receive the Atlantic on my back.  The world seemed going to destruction.  I could not see anything, the flood poured down savagely.  I raised my head, with open mouth, and the most of the American cataract went down my throat.  If I had sprung a leak now I had been lost.  And at this moment I discovered that the bridge had ceased, and we must trust for a foothold to the slippery and precipitous rocks.  I never was so scared before and survived it.  But we got through at last, and emerged into the open day, where we could stand in front of the laced and frothy and seething world of descending water, and look at it.  When I saw how much of it there was, and how fearfully in earnest it was, I was sorry I had gone behind it.

The noble Red Man has always been a friend and darling of mine.  I love to read about him in tales and legends and romances.  I love to read of his inspired sagacity, and his love of the wild free life of mountain and forest, and his general nobility of character, and his stately metaphorical manner of speech, and his chivalrous love for the dusky maiden, and the picturesque pomp of his dress and accoutrements.  Especially the picturesque pomp of his dress and accoutrements.  When I found the shops at Niagara Falls full of dainty Indian beadwork, and stunning moccasins, and equally stunning toy figures representing human beings who carried their weapons in holes bored through their arms and bodies, and had feet shaped like a pie, I was filled with emotion.  I knew that now, at last, I was going to come face to face with the noble Red Man.

A lady clerk in a shop told me, indeed, that all her grand array of curiosities were made by the Indians, and that they were plenty about the Falls, and that they were friendly, and it would not be dangerous to speak to them.  And sure enough, as I approached the bridge leading over to Luna Island, I came upon a noble Son of the Forest sitting under a tree, diligently at work on a bead reticule.  He wore a slouch hat and brogans, and had a short black pipe in his mouth.  Thus does the baneful contact with our effeminate civilization dilute the picturesque pomp which is so natural to the Indian when far removed from us in his native haunts.  I addressed the relic as follows: 

“Is the Wawhoo-Wang-Wang of the Whack-a-Whack happy?  Does the great Speckled Thunder sigh for the war-path, or is his heart contented with dreaming of the dusky maiden, the Pride of the Forest?  Does the mighty Sachem yearn to drink the blood of his enemies, or is he satisfied to make bead réticules for the pappooses of the paleface?  Speak, sublime relic of bygone grandeur ­venerable ruin, speak!”

The relic said: 

“An’ is it mesilf, Dennis Hooligan, that ye’d be takon’ for a dirty Injin, ye drawlin’, lantern-jawed, spider-legged divil!  By the piper that played before Moses, I’ll ate ye!”

I went away from there.

By and by, in the neighborhood of the Terrapin Tower, I came upon a gentle daughter of the aborigines in fringed and beaded buckskin moccasins and leggins, seated on a bench with her pretty wares about her.  She had just carved out a wooden chief that had a strong family resemblance to a clothes-pin, and was now boring a hole through his abdomen to put his bow through.  I hesitated a moment, and then addressed her: 

“Is the heart of the forest maiden heavy?  Is the Laughing Tadpole lonely?  Does she mourn over the extinguished council-fires of her race, and the vanished glory of her ancestors?  Or does her sad spirit wander afar toward the hunting-grounds whither her brave Gobbler-of-the-Lightnings is gone?  Why is my daughter silent?  Has she ought against the paleface stranger?”

The maiden said: 

“Faix, an’ is it Biddy Malone ye dare to be callin’ names?  Lave this, or I’ll shy your lean carcass over the cataract, ye sniveling blaggard!”

I adjourned from there also.

“Confound these Indians!” I said.  “They told me they were tame; but, if appearances go for anything, I should say they were all on the warpath.”

I made one more attempt to fraternize with them, and only one.  I came upon a camp of them gathered in the shade of a great tree, making wampum and moccasins, and addressed them in the language of friendship: 

“Noble Red Men, Braves, Grand Sachems, War Chiefs, Squaws, and High Muck-a-Mucks, the paleface from the land of the setting sun greets you!  You, Beneficent Polecat ­you, Devourer of Mountains ­you, Roaring Thundergust ­you, Bully Boy with a Glass eye ­the paleface from beyond the great waters greets you all!  War and pestilence have thinned your ranks and destroyed your once proud nation.  Poker and seven-up, and a vain modern expense for soap, unknown to your glorious ancestors, have depleted your purses.  Appropriating, in your simplicity, the property of others has gotten you into trouble.  Misrepresenting facts, in your simple innocence, has damaged your reputation with the soulless usurper.  Trading for forty-rod whisky, to enable you to get drunk and happy and tomahawk your families, has played the everlasting mischief with the picturesque pomp of your dress, and here you are, in the broad light of the nineteenth century, gotten up like the ragtag and bobtail of the purlieus of New York.  For shame!  Remember your ancestors!  Recall their mighty deeds!  Remember Uncas! ­and Red jacket! and Hole in the Day! ­and Whoopdedoodledo!  Emulate their achievements!  Unfurl yourselves under my banner, noble savages, illustrious guttersnipes ­”

“Down wid him!” “Scoop the blaggard!” “Burn him!” “Bang him!” “Dhround him!”

It was the quickest operation that ever was.  I simply saw a sudden flash in the air of clubs, brickbats, fists, bead-baskets, and moccasins ­a single flash, and they all appeared to hit me at once, and no two of them in the same place.  In the next instant the entire tribe was upon me.  They tore half the clothes off me; they broke my arms and legs; they gave me a thump that dented the top of my head till it would hold coffee like a saucer; and, to crown their disgraceful proceedings and add insult to injury, they threw me over the Niagara Falls, and I got wet.

About ninety or a hundred feet from the top, the remains of my vest caught on a projecting rock, and I was almost drowned before I could get loose.  I finally fell, and brought up in a world of white foam at the foot of the Fall, whose celled and bubbly masses towered up several inches above my head.  Of course I got into the eddy.  I sailed round and round in it forty-four times ­chasing a chip and gaining on it ­each round trip a half-mile ­reaching for the same bush on the bank forty-four times, and just exactly missing it by a hair’s-breadth every time.

At last a man walked down and sat down close to that bush, and put a pipe in his mouth, and lit a match, and followed me with one eye and kept the other on the match, while he sheltered it in his hands from the wind.  Presently a puff of wind blew it out.  The next time I swept around he said: 

“Got a match?”

“Yes; in my other vest.  Help me out, please.”

“Not for Joe.”

When I came round again, I said: 

“Excuse the seemingly impertinent curiosity of a drowning man, but will you explain this singular conduct of yours?”

“With pleasure.  I am the coroner.  Don’t hurry on my account.  I can wait for you.  But I wish I had a match.”

I said:  “Take my place, and I’ll go and get you one.”

He declined.  This lack of confidence on his part created a coldness between us, and from that time forward I avoided him.  It was my idea, in case anything happened to me, to so time the occurrence as to throw my custom into the hands of the opposition coroner on the American side.

At last a policeman came along, and arrested me for disturbing the peace by yelling at people on shore for help.  The judge fined me, but had the advantage of him.  My money was with my pantaloons, and my pantaloons were with the Indians.

Thus I escaped.  I am now lying in a very critical condition.  At least I am lying anyway –­critical or not critical.  I am hurt all over, but I cannot tell the full extent yet, because the doctor is not done taking inventory.  He will make out my manifest this evening.  However, thus far he thinks only sixteen of my wounds are fatal.  I don’t mind the others.

Upon regaining my right mind, I said: 

“It is an awful savage tribe of Indians that do the beadwork and moccasins for Niagara Falls, doctor.  Where are they from?”

“Limerick, my son.”