Mr. Lovelace, to John Belford,
Esq
I thought it was now high time to
turn my whole mind to my beloved; who had had full
leisure to weigh the contents of the letters I had
left with her.
I therefore requested Mrs. Moore to
step in, and desire to know whether she would be pleased
to admit me to attend her in her apartment, on occasion
of the letters I had left with her; or whether she
would favour me with her company in the dining-room?
Mrs. Moore desired Miss Rawlins to
accompany her in to the lady. They tapped at
the door, and were both admitted.
I cannot but stop here for one minute
to remark, though against myself, upon that security
which innocence gives, that nevertheless had better
have in it a greater mixture of the serpent with the
dove. For here, heedless of all I could say
behind her back, because she was satisfied with her
own worthiness, she permitted me to go on with my own
story, without interruption, to persons as great strangers
to her as me; and who, as strangers to both, might
be supposed to lean to the side most injured; and
that, as I managed it, was to mine. A dear, silly
soul, thought I, at the time, to depend upon the goodness
of her own heart, when the heart cannot be seen into
but by its actions; and she, to appearance, a runaway,
an eloper, from a tender, a most indulgent husband! To
neglect to cultivate the opinion of individuals, when
the whole world is governed by appearance!
Yet what can be expected of an angel
under twenty? She has a world of knowledge: knowledge
speculative, as I may say, but no experience. How
should she? Knowledge by theory only is
a vague, uncertain light: a Will o’ the
Wisp, which as often misleads the doubting mind, as
puts it right.
There are many things in the world,
could a moralizer say, that would afford inexpressible
pleasure to a reflecting mind, were it not for the
mixture they come to us with. To be graver still,
I have seen parents, [perhaps my own did so,] who
delighted in those very qualities in their children
while young, the natural consequences of which, (too
much indulged and encouraged,) made them, as they
grew up, the plague of their hearts. To
bring this home to my present purpose, I must tell
thee, that I adore this charming creature for her
vigilant prudence; but yet I would not, methinks,
wish her, by virtue of that prudence, which is, however,
necessary to carry her above the devices of all the
rest of the world, to be too wise for mine.
My revenge, my sworn revenge, is,
nevertheless, (adore her as I will,) uppermost in
my heart. Miss Howe says that my love is
a Herodian love. By my soul, that girl’s a
witch! I am half sorry to say, that I find a
pleasure in playing the tyrant over what I love.
Call it an ungenerous pleasure, if thou wilt:
softer hearts than mine know it. The women, to
a woman, know it, and show it too, whenever they are
trusted with power. And why should it be thought
strange, that I, who love them so dearly, and study
them so much, should catch the infection of them?